The Daughters of Strongbow, Part One: Chapter 6 A Self-MSTing by Alan (John Alan Riggs) -For disclaimers, please see the end of this document- (On the Satellite of Love's bridge, Mike sits behind a mock desk, talking into an imaginary microphone. Crow has been placed on his right, and Tom Servo on his left.) MIKE: Are you a person who likes the Internet? And are you tired of idiots and losers flaming you with insensitive and obscene messages? We have just what you need. SERVO: We are ICEHOLT: Interested in Chilling Every Hope Out of Lamer Types. We are on a mission from God. (He puts on some sunglasses.) CROW: What we're offering you is a *free* software package. It works with every e-mail program and web browser. With the "Flame Quencher," you can retaliate against any flamer! MIKE: Say that someone sends you a message that you don't like. Within an instant of receiving the message, our Flame Quencher will send them *triple* the amount of flames that they sent you! ICEHOLT's computer-generated messages strike accurately and clearly - guaranteed. SERVO: Let's say that a certain "doctor" hits you with a message telling you to get back to a fanfic. Here's the Flame Quencher's reply... (Crow reads the printed reply.) CROW: "Why don't you go back to Deep 13 and take an antacid? I've seen more creative flames generated by a three-year old Mac." MIKE: ...Well, we didn't say that it was quite finished yet. (Dr. Forrester's voice comes through their microphones.) DR. F.: If you're done selling your little products, I think you'll *enjoy* this episode! It proves once again that every great series eventually degenerates into total crap. SERVO: Oh, goody. Don't tell me... we'll have to endure seeing a joining scene? DR. F.: Not quite... but there's lots of fun stuff packed in this time! (The fanfic sign goes off.) MIKE: Looks like I'll have to get the Flame Quencher upgraded later... Oh, we got fanfic sign! (He carries the bots into the theater. After they are seated, the fanfic begins...) -- >6: The "Evil" Draws Near SERVO: Quotation marks like that mean implied sarcasm. MIKE: So... I guess we have an "evil" who's "mysteriously" behind the scenes of this "Elfquest" fic. SERVO: Uh-huh. You win a "prize." > >The wolves did not stop howling. Even though the trolls had been >driven off, all the Wolfriders could still sense a great evil about. >Their Sending began to be fuzzy and clouded, many elves could not >sleep, and the adults felt a strange temptation to Join. CROW: Looks like we just skipped over a few more lame joining scenes. This fic can bite me. SERVO: Pity that Strongbow's still wasted from his Forbidden little act. > >"OK, already. Tell us your name, and we'll be satisfied. We know you >know our names," complained Marcis. He was no longer wearing a heavy >coat, but almost looked like a Wolfrider with a skin around his >waist. MIKE: Marcis forgot his comma! SERVO: (Marcis) Should I keep my skin? Going around with just my skeleton would be so much cooler... CROW: I think we're on the verge of a buffalo shot. MIKE: And I thought they were slowly going the way of the b-- SERVO: No puns! Bad riff! >But he would not dispose of his weapon, a copper sword. > >Foxfur sighed deeply. "OK, already. SERVO: Will they *stop* saying that? It's totally out of place in the "Elfquest" universe! CROW: OK, already. SERVO: Et tu, Robot? MIKE: Knock it off, guys. >My name is Foxfur. Don't laugh, it's a trical name. Sheesh.. you three >think way too much about Joining." > >Dobil replied by Sending openly, **We all are. MIKE: (Dobil) And I'm strong enough to admit it! >There is something beyond us at work here. It's that evil force. We >must fight it!** He was gradually learning, even if his friends were >not. With his growing skill, he even sensed a strange act from deep >within the Holt. It involved a blond female elf. CROW: And a hell of a lot more, but I'm too sick of this to make another sex riff. MIKE: First time for everything... > >"Back at home, I had a lovemate," said Sezen, actually smiling, "I >wonder what she - Jieta - is doing now. Probably wounded from that >last troll attack..." Sezen looked again at the nearby river, the >only one that flowed through the Holt. He waved to the other three, >removed his loincloth, and jumped in. SERVO: We all admire Sezen. He's the only elf that can skinny dip even with a little weight problem. > >"I stay away from water," Foxfur said coldly, "Some time ago, a woman >died near this river - something about a falling log. Anyway, just >down the river is that place, called 'Rillfisher's Grave.'" > >Marcis didn't care. "I'm going in though. Wolves are interesting, but >I can only listen for so long, and.. Well, Sezen, you'd better get >out of my way! I still think you're a dip!" MIKE: And so he *takes* a dip! I get it. CROW: (Silas Volkmire) Now that's true humor! >Marcis followed after his friend/rival into the water. > >Meanwhile, Dobil shifted his small garment nervously, SERVO: Oh, man... I'm not feeling good at all... MIKE: Just hang on, Tom. >looking at Foxfur. She was beautiful in her tunic, and she must look >even better without it. CROW: She's in her tunic, but not of it. >**Foxfur,** he Sent to her, **I think that you have ...another name. >What is that?** SERVO: Been there, done that. And any fanfic that tries to reprise "Book 1" is pretty much doomed. > >She Sent back, **It's something very private. I don't think you have >one, or you'd know it.** > >**I would really like to know you better, Foxfur. Shall we go for a >swim together? Let's take a break from this training.** > >Foxfur stopped to think. Dobil, like all males, had a natural urge to >Join. SERVO: Dobil gets hot! MIKE: (Foxfur) He wants me bad. Should I come on to him, or just slap him like the little shit that he is? >But what this right, or was he being stimulated CROW: Way too easy. >by the Evil being? If she swam with him, she would have to be >cautious. He did not have the sense for danger that she did. **No, >Dobil, I will not. Got it?** > >**I certainly do,** Dobil's disappointment was palpable. He faced the >grove of trees, head down. MIKE: Since when can trees put their heads down? CROW: Since they got heads. >Then a Sent signal floated by, and both Dobil and Foxfur caught it. >There would be another "hunt"... for Strongbow was coming for a >private meeting. SERVO: If you can make any sense of that last paragraph, call us in the next twenty minutes... > >The archer wandered as if asleep. Strongbow now knew even more about >hate, ambition, revenge, and this... Evil. He went about the tribe, >Sending little and saying less. Who could he speak with, and what >would he say? Strongbow went to his lifemate Moonshade... "Dart is >OK, Foxfur is up to the usual, why haven't you been at the hunt?..." SERVO: So... Strongbow said that to Moonshade? CROW: I *think* it was the other way around. MIKE: Oh, forget it. I saw more coherent dialogue in "Waiting for Godot." >He sought out Cutter... but the boy said nothing, he was too scared, >or something else... The wanderer then looked for Joyleaf... but that >was impossible. Bearclaw would not even let the archer near her, so >they already knew... He even went to Rain... "Take two puckernuts >and come back soon. I don't care how about how bad they taste!..." MIKE: And *how* about how! SERVO: Unbelievable. Rain actually said something non-sexual *and* intelligent. Looks like the end is near... > >And then Strongbow found Foxfur. His daughter had the sense to send >her friends away, because this was a private conversation. The two >of them did not waste *words*. They were alike, both Send unless there >was no choice. > >**Father, I know what you've done. We all know - there is not one that >does not feel the anger...** > >**I know! I know... But the worst part... I know, and Joyleaf knows, >that the cub must live. CROW: Better hide this fic from Planned Parenthood. MIKE: Why bother? They won't make any more sense out of it than we have. SERVO: Yeah. But the word "know" is used one more time... >The little one will probably be just a symbol of the evil... unless >some miracle can occur.** > >**But who will be the one? Who among us will raise the Forbidden >Join-Child, the un-Recognized cub of *Rael* and *Anya*? Will I be that >one?** MIKE: Is it just me, or can you follow who's saying what? BOTH BOTS: We're lost! > >**Wait... you know our soul names? I should have guessed.** > >**I can't keep a secret, you know...** CROW: Come on, Strongbow, slap her! Don't let your cub just give away your soul name. Please show some personality? > > >Joyleaf knew that she was pregnant. Worse yet, she had to deliver this >cub. It was beyond normal belief, but some powerful force... Join- >Sending?... SERVO: Life... what a terrible choice to make. >SOMETHING compelled the chief's mate. Whatever the force was, the >cursed bond between *Rael* and *Anya* could only be removed by this >child - this child known as "Stormbringer." MIKE: Looks like Joyleaf's a Moorcock fan. CROW: So if it's a girl, what will they call her? MIKE & SERVO: Crow! CROW: Anyway... the chapter's done. Ready to go, guys? SERVO: Well, yeah... MIKE: This time, we'll let you off the hook. (They exit the theater.) -- Obscure Stuff: Silas Volkmire was from the video game "Battletoads." This particular line was stolen from a comic strip based on the game that appeared all of once in "Nintendo Power." Also, Mike's "slowly going the way of the b--" line refers to the most recent MxPx CD, "Slowly Going the Way of the Buffalo." Since I've been struggling to get much of anything written, it'll be a little while until the next chapter. But it will get done! -Alan