--Alan -- It all starts (over again) here! ############################################## ElfQuiz: Death (The First Movie) A satire in script format By Alan (John Alan Riggs) Installment 1: The Escape to Victory? ############################################## Scene 0: The Obligatory Trailer (in prose) *** The midnight sky over primeval earth was burst-- in a flash of light, a mountain-sized palace dropped to the ground. All about the ground, the cowardly, naked, ape-like humans rushed about, frantically gesturing at the alien structure. Everything went silent, as a small humanoid shape emerged from the gold-framed crystal doorway. All the humans' eyes burned intently, struggling to get a glimpse of the mysterious intruder. Taking a bold step forward, the first of the elves glanced at the barren valley, held his right hand up on high, and-- Flipped them off. *** Scene 1: The Escape to Victory? *** [EXT. A campsite. A dozen or so humans are dancing about a fire. Meanwhile, an elf named Redlance is tied to a wooden pole.] REDLANCE Why must I suffer through this? TABAK (a human) Because we captured you, that's why. You're silly. REDLANCE No, that's not it at all. I want to know why you're after elves in the first place. TABAK Well... it all started when... [CUT to the Trailer again. The naughty elf has just done his dirty deed...] HUMANS Grraraarararg! ELF Woopsie... [The elf runs back inside. The humans follow.] HUMANS Gabagagagbabgagbaga! ELVES Oh, crap... [CUT back to the humans' campsite.] TABAK Now do you see, young demon? REDLANCE No, I'm afraid that I don't. TABAK A pity, really... [Suddenly, Eward the shaman enters the scene, followed by Jirian, Tabak's wife.] EWARD Behold, humans! Tonight's sacrifice will not only satiate Gotara, it will enhance my reputation as a thoroughly ruthless leader! [Assorted cheers echo from the crowd of humans.] REDLANCE Help me... EWARD SILENCE, evil demonspawn! Before long, the same fate will come to the entirety of your foul tribe. REDLANCE Ohhh... The pain... JIRIAN Really, Mr. Eward, I think you're overdoing it. [He glowers at her. Tabak stands nearby, whistling.] JIRIAN No, dearie, your screaming is definitely not a thing we care to hear. Please be quiet. EWARD As I was saying-- TABAK You really think he's too loud, Jiri-dear? JIRIAN I would have to say so. His attempts at being forceful and commanding have become silly. EWARD Humans! Before long, we shall be rid-- JIRIAN Oh, put a sock in it. REDLANCE Ah... the pain... TABAK Oh, right. Forgot about him. Shall I proceed with the execution? JIRIAN That'd be fine, honey. You go and do that, and I'll keep our dear, dear friend under control. EWARD Never! Gotara and I alone shall-- TABAK Forget you, Spirit-Man. I'm doing my job, and doing it well. REDLANCE Auuaaa... JIRIAN And you, little demon--keep it down. [With one swipe, Tabak plunges his bloody knife into the pole.] TABAK Heh heh. Oops. JIRIAN Try harder, honey. EWARD Gotara's purpose shall be achieved! JIRIAN Will someone get this guy a new line? *** [EXT. the Wolfriders' camp. They have just finished a meal, and they're busy howling.] NIGHTFALL I wonder where Redlance went? PIKE As do I, as do I. NIGHTFALL And why is that, Pike? PIKE Because we were going to pull this really neat trick involving a bra, a wolf's muzzle, and-- [Nightfall knocks him over the head.] NIGHTFALL Now I'm glad that he's not around, because you are a terrible influence on my lovemate. [Pause. The Wolfriders hear pounding in the distance.] STRONGBOW *What's this? Do I hear human drums?* CUTTER I think they're bongos. STRONGBOW *That's not important right now.* CUTTER You're right. I should get a war party together. TREESTUMP I've taught you well, boy. We must ready the munitions. CUTTER Listen, old man, I don't want a part in ANOTHER one of your crazy schemes! One-Eye? ONE-EYE Cutter! CUTTER We shall take on this most urgent mission together. Do you have the plowshares ready? ONE-EYE Yes, my chief. CUTTER Then let the beating commence. *** [EXT. the humans' camp. The POV is from some bushes a few meters away. Cutter and Skywise are right near the camera.] SKYWISE Yes. They definitely have him. CUTTER I wonder what they'll do with him? SKYWISE If you ask me, I'd say something kin-- CUTTER Shhh! That man just lifted his knife. SKYWISE So... is it time to _ATTACK_?! CUTTER [beat] Yes, it is. That was my line... [The Wolfriders rush in. Cutter leads the way.] CUTTER Ayooooah, Redlance! REDLANCE It's too late for me, Cutter... save yourself... CUTTER No can do, little buddy. I'm here to rescue you, and that's what I'm going to do. TABAK Pardon me. May I finish my work? CUTTER Can't let you do that. Ayooah, Strongbow! Finish this human off. STRONGBOW *I'm on it already.* CUTTER Well, then! Redlance and I will be off to the Holt again. REDLANCE ...Nightfall? Why d'ya need t' use the grapevine? CUTTER Hoo boy... *** [EXT. the Wolfriders' camp. Nightfall is smashing sticks of wood into small pieces. She sees Cutter and Redlance dashing back on a wolf.] NIGHTFALL Darling! REDLANCE Nightfall... I... AiYaYAAAAA!! [Redlance is struck by a burning stick.] NIGHTFALL That will teach you. Never hunt after nine A.M. again! REDLANCE Yes, mistress... CUTTER Since I hate to interrupt you, I'll be going-- [Nightfall catches Cutter by his long hair.] NIGHTFALL Not just yet, young chief. I've got a little lesson to teach *you*. CUTTER Someone help me! [Nightfall drags the two men into her tree.] STRONGBOW *There he goes again, Moonshade.* MOONSHADE Do you remember those days, dearheart? STRONGBOW *Remember? What is "remember"?* MOONSHADE Oh, that's right. Ha! *** [Meanwhile, back at the humans' camp...] JIRIAN Tabak? Honey? Are you dead? TABAK Not sure... just yet... EWARD It is my divinely appointed duty to-- JIRIAN You stay out of this! Oarken? Where's Oarken? TABAK Leave... the old freak... out of this. [cough] JIRIAN Yes, but he's the only one in the camp who knows how to administer last rites. Where could he be? TABAK Maybe it'd be better if... I just died now... JIRIAN Hush, dear. Oarken! Where are you? [Out of nowhere, the aged, 3-foot man called Oarken appears next to Tabak's wounded body.] OARKEN Oh, looks like we have a bit of trouble here. TABAK You're darn right! [cough] JIRIAN Mr. Oarken, I would like you to aid my husband in his struggle to live. OARKEN Certainly. Here goes nothing! [Oarken knocks Tabak over the head with a massive mallet.] JIRIAN Well, that seems to have made him quiet. OARKEN Precisely. He'll be out for a while. EWARD Now, humans! We shall avenge our brother in battle. OARKEN ...Let's leave without him. JIRIAN Good idea. [Oarken and Jirian lead the other humans toward the forest. The Spirit-Man stands there, orating.] *** [Cutter and Skywise are with their wolves. The former elf is slumped over his mount, while Skywise is watching for movement in the trees.] SKYWISE They'll be back soon. CUTTER Huh? SKYWISE The humans shall return, and they won't be happy. CUTTER Whatever. SKYWISE You haven't been very well lately. Is something wrong? CUTTER Ummmm... maybe. SKYWISE Oh, look--here come the humans. Let's be off. CUTTER Right-o. [The two dash off to meet the humans.] *** [A minute later, and not very far away...] OARKEN Greetings, little elves. We will now claim our part of the bargain. Bwa ha ha! SKYWISE Greetings, old freak! OARKEN What did you call me? JIRIAN Calm down, sir... CUTTER Ugh... SKYWISE What he said! I don't care for any one of you... because... because... CUTTER 'Cause? SKYWISE Because they stole my mother's smile! JIRIAN ... OARKEN ... CUTTER Don't get it. SKYWISE Oh, never mind. Let's fight. OARKEN Gladly. I always like a challenge. [Oarken throws down a burning torch.] SKYWISE Are you crazy, human? OARKEN I am whatever you make me to be. JIRIAN Sir, what does that mean? OARKEN Um... never mind. CUTTER Pretty fire... SKYWISE Yes, that's right, Chief. The humans have started a fire, and that's not a good thing. We'd better be going. CUTTER Bye-bye. [The elves flee the scene.] JIRIAN That really wasn't a good idea, sir. OARKEN You may be right. But that depends on one's point of view. JIRIAN Oh, does it? OARKEN At least I think so. *** [Back at the Wolfriders' camp, an evacuation is underway.] SCOUTER Dewy, we must be off. DEWSHINE I know, Scouter. Just a minute, though. First, I need to fit this hairbrush into my bags. Then... SCOUTER This could be a very long evacuation. ONE-EYE Kid, you've found one heck of a hot woman. But why did you have to choose such a stupid one? SCOUTER Dad?! Dewshine is not stupid. She's-- DEWSHINE Glad to hear that, lovemate! SCOUTER Yaaa! I knew she'd be listening... ONE-EYE ...And so, I asked myself, "Why do fools fall in love?" These days, the answer is becoming clear... *** NIGHTFALL Are you about ready, Redlance? REDLANCE Yes. I just need to make sure that everything is marked and noted for the next time we go here. NIGHTFALL That just figures. Why must I end up with a lovemate who's obsessed with bookkeeping? REDLANCE I'm not obsessed with bookkeeping, Nightfall. I just have a reason to be interested in property values. NIGHTFALL That's what I said. You know, I could tell you my opinions of your performance this-- REDLANCE No need. I already know it. [He walks into Nightfall's cavern, and hands her a slip of tree bark with a "zero" marked on it.] NIGHTFALL You're a funny man, Redlance. That's why I like you. REDLANCE So... you'll kill me last? NIGHTFALL Hardly. After all, the stuff above us is already on fire. We should be going. [She steps to the edge of the tree, but does not jump off.] REDLANCE Shall I go first, Soon-to-be-Chieftess Nightfall? NIGHTFALL Please. It'll cushion my fall. REDLANCE ...Wolf-leavings... *** [A few minutes later, the Wolfriders walk quickly away from the wall of flames.] TREESTUMP Cutter, are you prepared to make a decision? CUTTER Stop it, old man! I've had enough of your stupid-- TREESTUMP No, not that decision. Where should we run to? CUTTER Is the way to the underground lake cut off? SKYWISE It's been cut off for several turns. Ever since Dart was born-- STRONGBOW *I won't hear it!* SKYWISE ...Getting back to the point, no one's even seen the underground lake for quite a long time. So, we should-- STRONGBOW *Don't say anything bad about my cub.* SKYWISE Ha ha... don't worry, I wouldn't think of it! CUTTER Therefore, we should go to the trolls. Perhaps they will offer us shelter... [He is drowned out by a chorus of groans.] MOONSHADE I hate the trolls' dens! They never sweep the floors. CUTTER Well, I'm sorry, but we are currently being forced that direction by this fire. MOONSHADE Would anyone else rather die here? Hands up. [About five hands go up.] CUTTER Oh, good. You do that. PIKE Would anyone mind if I knocked on their door? CUTTER Most of us wouldn't. STRONGBOW *You'll have to excuse us, boy-chief. Not all of us share your love for trolls.* CUTTER I don't care much for them--but given our present circumstances... PIKE The door's open! CUTTER I'm tired of this. Anyone who wants to go and still survive, follow Pike. PIKE Thank you, I appreciate the compliments. MOONSHADE Don't get cocky, kid. [Moonshade brushes past Pike as she walks in.] CUTTER Surprise, surprise! Looks like someone wants to live after all. STRONGBOW *If you survive, you're going to eat those words.* [Strongbow follows Pike into the cavern.] CUTTER I need a break from all of this... NIGHTFALL May I be of assistance? CUTTER No. Go away. *** [EXT. the troll cave. The scene opens a few minutes later, before troll-king Greymung's throne...] GREYMUNG What's this? Wolfriders invading my domain? Unthinkable! PICKNOSE Actually, it was my idea, sir. GREYMUNG I didn't ask you, lackey. CUTTER Ah, King Greymung, highest and largest of all trolls. We come before you to-- GREYMUNG Spit it out, boy. I don't have the patience for one of your speeches. SKYWISE [sotto] I didn't know you made speeches. CUTTER [sotto] Never have, never will. [beat] Well, Greymung, our Holt is being reduced to a pile of ashes. We want more land. GREYMUNG You could have said that in the first place. SCOUTER Yeah, but it's not as much fun that way. DEWSHINE [sotto] Don't say anything... CUTTER So, do you have something to offer us? GREYMUNG I certainly do. Picknose, my dear lackey, can lead you to the Tunnel of Golden Light. PICKNOSE Tunnel of Golden Light? But that leads-- [Greymung hits his lackey right in the stomach.] GREYMUNG Ahem. I'm quite sure that you can trust us. Would we lie to you? STRONGBOW *Well, Bearclaw never trusted them. He'd get out his sword and start making shishkabobs.* CUTTER I am not Bearclaw. STRONGBOW *I noticed.* CUTTER I'll need a moment to think about this. Skywise, if you will-- huh? [Cutter notices that Skywise is looking at a round stone on the floor of the cavern.] SKYWISE Say, Greymung, this wouldn't be what I think it is, right? GREYMUNG Do not touch it! That is one of my most precious stones. [Skywise pulls out a hand-held magnet from a pocket in his breeches.] SKYWISE Yes, it certainly has magnetic properties. Why, this stone's probably invalidated my credit cards already. CUTTER What are you talking about? SKYWISE Never mind. King Greymung, would you mind if I took a piece along? GREYMUNG Rather. You, little elf, are not to look at it. SKYWISE Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. My good buddy Cutter and I will be moving along in a minute or two-- won't we, Cutter? CUTTER I'm busy thinking. Leave me be--HEY! [Skywise pushes Cutter toward the lodestone. As he falls, Cutter's sword chips a piece off the block.] GREYMUNG Grrr... That was a dirty trick, you know. TREESTUMP Even for him, that was dirty. SKYWISE Hey, I slipped. You can't prove anything. REDLANCE Nightfall, perhaps you should tell him to make the decision. NIGHTFALL Maybe I will and maybe I won't. REDLANCE [beat] Right. I'll tell him. Cutter, have you made the decision? CUTTER Indeed, I have. My choice is to follow the loyal lackey wherever he might lead us. PICKNOSE Why is everybody always picking on me? *** [Several minutes later, in the tunnel...] TREESTUMP Clearbrook, what do you make of all this? CLEARBROOK It seems fine to me. TREESTUMP Do you think young Cutter is growing up to become an elf among elves? CLEARBROOK His progress seems fine to me. TREESTUMP That's good to hear. CUTTER [sotto] Why must they do this to me? PICKNOSE Well, elves, this is the stop-off point. I'll leave you to explore the... region beyond this. STRONGBOW *My bow is trained on him.* CUTTER *That would be a good idea.* [In silence, the elves walk toward the exit. As they gaze into the light...] DEWSHINE So bright... SCOUTER So shiny... PICKNOSE [sotto] I see they are already suffering from the effects of the desert sun. Ha ha ha! PIKE So... so. MOONSHADE What do you mean by that, Pike? PIKE Well, it was my first reaction to... that THING. [The other elves turn to look at the "thing."] REDLANCE Oh, High Ones... NIGHTFALL It's a UFO! PICKNOSE [sotto] Greymung didn't tell me about this. ALL Aaaaaaghhhhh! [The elves dash right past the extraterrestrial vehicle, into the Burning Wastelands desert. Well... all but one.] STRONGBOW [thinking] Perhaps my arrows will not help. -- To be continued in... Installment 2: Here's Cutter Please send all comments and revenge-fanfics to . I appreciate your help. -Alan (September 8, 1999) Elfquest site: eq_addiction> "Elfquest" and everything related to it are copyright 1978-99 Warp Graphics. Feel free to distribute this fanfic, but don't remove my name from it.