The ElfQuiz Parody: The Revisionist History Take-a-Look 1: Perspire and Blight Introduction: The One Scene You Never Thought You'd See... Shortly after the Wolfriders fled from Madcoil, the five "victims" stood up and began to laugh. Thanks to the theatrics of the beast, they had faked their own deaths in front of the tribe, and now they felt good about it. The only one with a look of concern on her face was Joyleaf, who commented, "I think that Bearclaw will be looking for me before long, if I know him at all. By the way, Longbranch, did you remember that Auto-Hang-Up Device of yours?" The elder replied in his usual egotistical tone, "Of course I did. I wouldn't make that thing for putting my cubs to sleep, you know. Now stand back, unless you know how to use it." He waited, holding the double-pronged stick in his right hand. "Well, I do - now stand back!" the chieftess retaliated. She hit the Device's trigger and immediately fell into a coma-like state. Convinced that Joyleaf looked dead, Longbranch picked her body off the ground, and walked toward the cave where he had designed Madcoil. As programmed, the fully mechanized and automated creature followed its creator, and even left a trail of artificial doo-doo. Upon watching her lifemate leave yet again, Brownberry muttered, "Harumph!" It was her favorite expression, and she could work it into any situation. Yet feeling a little sick of all the deception, she asked Foxfur, "This time I'm stuck. What do you think I should do?" Rain, the notorious healer, gave a sharp cough, scratched the fake blood off his head wound, and stated, "Naturally, no one asks me. Well, I'm gonna hang around here, should something serious happen. But even if you come looking for me, you sure as heck won't find me. That goes for you too, 'Fauxfur.'" He marched back into the woods, all the while scratching his head. As Rain wandered off to his own (evil) ways, Foxfur answered Brownberry's question, "You know how I bumped into the 'refugees'? I'm going to be with them for now, in secret, of course. You can come along, or go looking for Rillfisher, though I know how you two act. But in spite of that, and her being missing, she's probably your best bet..." "Thanks," replied Brownberry, "You're probably right. Enjoy your company - perhaps I'll run into Hoodbearer on the way. I should be going now..." -- Chapter One: In the Market for One New Holt -- "/No, Tabak,\" the human's wife said scornfully, "/None of the other spirits are out there. In fact, you can do the sacrifice RIGHT NOW, and no one will complain. I encourage you to. Well, that is as long as our good Spirit-Man says so.\" Her words somehow recalled for the humans the time when they ruled the planet - when they could wear their fur shorts low - before the coming of the elves. Naturally, the humans had greeted their new neighbors with clubs and spears, but things had been improving since then. These days, the two races were less concerned with annihilation than experimenting with each other. As for Tabak, a Class One Hunter of the Gotarian tribe, he was standing by, standing by, and waiting for orders. He wasn't terribly bright, but at least he could kill well. Feeling cold and impatient, Tabak stood over the catch of the day, who was tied to a pole. Waiting behind him were the hunter's family and friends: his wife Jirian, his drinking buddy Oarken, and Eward the Spirit-Man. Tabak glanced back at them for approval, but no sign came. The sun was also rising. "/May I just kill him now?\" he asked, trying to be polite. "YES!" they shouted in unison. Feeling evil, Tabak said, "/And now, young demon, you will die!\" He pulled a knife from a "pocket" on his g-string, juggled it for a minute, drew random shapes in the air, and was about to swallow it when a young human, named Jorg, called from off-camera, "/Hurry up already!\" So Tabak sighed, and dejectedly lifted the knife... *** Meanwhile, the elves, the mighty Wolfriders, were sitting around and getting dang high on dreamberries. This would have gone on for quite a while, if out of nowhere Nightfall had not asked, "By the way (hic), where's Redlance?" "Dunno (burp!)," replied Pike, who was suddenly becoming fascinated with the un-Recognized female. "He's not stupid or anything," he mentioned, feeling ready to put on the moves. *** Tabak stepped away from the torture pole and began to laugh maniacally. None of the humans were quite sure if he had killed the elf or not, but it certainly looked that way. Oarken nudged closer to his younger friend and commented quietly, "/You're sure that was a good idea? You may remember that I took care of a spirit child... And how sure are you that this won't come back to haunt us, or something?\" The newly fanatical hunter screamed to the crowd of humans, "/Nyah ha ha ha ha! More blood, MORE BLOOD!! Destroy, kill, savage, and even plunder!\" "/If Gotara wills it...\" the Spirit-Man started to say, but he was too late. The people, practically drunk, were fixated on Tabak. Suddenly, he was the MAN, the hippest dude in town. Reveling in his new coolness, Tabak shouted, "/Follow me - quickly! We shall destroy the demons! Ha ha ha he he ho ho hic!\" Prancing into the woods, the drugged-up pack of humans came right behind him. *** Sensing something worse than a smelly fart, Strongbow sent, **Aren't the humans a bit loud tonight?** to his tribe. He was the only one among them who was a dreamberry teetotaler, and though they constantly made fun of him, he would not renege. The archer stood up and prepared his weapon for battle. Treestump also stood up, though he wobbled a bit on the way there. "I don't care about (groan) anyone else right now. Yup, it's probably trouble, and I'm going to go over there and find out (hic) just what's going on," he moaned. The elder [well, relative to the "socially active" Wolfriders] tottered off towards the human camp. "I still think something happened to Redlance," whined Nightfall, but no one listened. *** "/SO!\" hollered Tabak, gesturing wildly with his curiously dark torch, "/They have come out to meet us! Nyah ha ha!\" Confused by the multitude of spinning human images, Treestump felt ready to throw up, and he grunted, "Hang on, be quiet, and calm down. Can't you humans just shut up and leave us alone?" He didn't bother to count them - Wolfriders don't do that - but if he had, there would have been about four or five eights. The furious Tabak replied, "/NEVER!\" in his slightly insane manner, and threw his torch at the ground. To his dismay, nothing caught on fire. Tabak then realized two things: 1) he hadn't lit the torch, and 2) his failure to do this had caused him, and all the other humans, to constantly run into trees. Attempting to think on his feet, Tabak fired up a new torch and threw that one at the ground. It fell into a puddle and went out. "/Uh... I'll be right back...\" the human mentioned with a stutter. "Same here," Treestump said offhandedly, only half- understanding the human, "I shall return swiftly with my tribe." Well, before you [the reader, that is] knew it, there was a battle! Well, for TAL 1, the rule for combat scenes will be "ignore it and it'll go away." Since most of the fights in the real _Elfquest_ are actually interesting, that gives me additional reason to avoid such silly nonsense. For those who actually care about the battle's results, the Wolfriders won it but lost the war - or something like that. They had to flee from the humans, pathetic as the Gotarians were, and to complete their escape, they elected to march into the trolls' caverns. Needless to say, they weren't too strong in numbers, because... *** As the humans charged out of the Gotarian camp, a hooded elf of Wolfrider stature and scent approached the torture pole. Ripping through Redlance's ropes, he sent, **You are still alive, right?** **Well, yeah...** the tree-shaper replied, feeling rather uneasy about this new situation. The mysterious Wolfrider continued, **It looks like I actually got to the right place and at the right time! Well, the humans are a bit busy right now, so how 'bout we make a quick escape?** Redlance, now on his feet, sent, **By all means. But who are you?** He found himself two steps behind this odd character, and could therefore not make out a face. *** Picknose the troll lived up to his name. The young, ambitious cave-dweller would not have minded a title like "rude boy." He saw the Wolfriders coming through the unlocked door (Scurff had unwittingly lost his keys), and immediately barraged them with insults: "Haven't seen you pond excrement lately. Seems you brought in your pets with you. Mind if we keep them in our... ahem, kennels?" he taunted. "We ain't the wolves of peace," Cutter retorted, "Take us to your stupid leader, or we will unleash our own fury on your silly caverns. By the way, take a look at MY sword here. Still sharp, isn't it?" Taken slightly aback, Picknose grumbled, "Hey Scurff, take this extra set of keys. I think we will be dealing with these *&$% elves here and now." Throwing the keys to the doorkeeper, he began to plod toward Greymung's chamber. The *&$% elves followed. Finding himself in the hall of the troll king, Cutter pompously bowed and stated in a snotty accent, "We have come to make a real estate transaction with you, oh exalted Greymung. Having recently entered the market for one new holt, we will gleefully resign our previous place of dwelling to you, provided that you can guarantee the existence of another in this neighborhood. It must be about a few hundred eights--" Greymung interrupted the babbling elf with a raunchy belch. Staring curiously at the two eights of elves, he asked, "What the hey happened to the one ya just came from?" "Well, my friend," Cutter continued in a slightly less irritating tone of voice, "let us simply say that it has a slightly unbalanced ratio of humans to Elf-Width [a small unit of measurement, used by elves only]. But I doubt that your mighty troll subjects would have any difficulty in dealing with this pestilence," he noted with a wicked smile. The troll king replied, "I would have a plot of land for you. It's just on the other side of a tunnel called 'Perspiring is Trite.' All ya hafta do to get there is cross over a few pages, or somethin' like that." Picknose decided to butt in and ask, "But my lord, will they really be interested? I mean, don't you remember what Bearclaw taught us about elf psychology?" He recalled the Blood of Nine Chiefs, and how schizophrenic that elf had been. "Um... oh, yeah, that thing," Greymung muttered. He watched as the elves gathered together to discuss his proposition. Woodlock began the private chat, **I don't like it! The troll is a loser,** he sent, and though he was intoxicated, a good number of elves nodded in agreement: Rainsong, One-Eye, Clearbrook, Strongbow, Moonshade, and Treestump. Obviously, they formed the elven version of the Republican Party. Trying to work with the other angle, Cutter suggested, **Is this even a choice? We need a new holt, and they're willing to give one to us. You won't find this sort of deal every night.** The Wolfrider Democratic Party gave the thumbs-up: Nightfall, Pike, Scouter, Newstar, Dart, and Dewshine. Looking over at the divisions that were forming, Skywise knew that Wing could not have shifted the vote, as he was rather young. It was his responsibility to chip in, but naturally he avoided it. So instead, Skywise started to investigate a large, gray rock on the ground. Greymung saw him doing this, and commented, "That's just a stupid rock. Leave it alone - I've got a lot better, and all around you too." Picknose reminded his dim king, "REVERSE psychology, Greymung!" with an elbow thrust for good measure. "Uh... No, actually, the rock's very, very valuable. The best one I have. Don't even touch it, or else I'll personally devoid your ID card," the troll king added, correcting himself. Now Skywise was confused. Paying a little more attention to his fellow elves, who were starting to argue, he sent, **I'm all for Woodlock.** "That just about settles it," Cutter declared, looking rather angry, "Greymung, we Wolfriders would rather live with you trolls in this stinkhole than actually explore the rest of the world - right, Skywise?" Picknose decided to step in and take the responsibility of speaking for his leader. "So sorry, elves, but ACTUALLY the new holt is a big, sandy desert. Nothin' there but a few lizards. You'd dry up in days," he declared, lying quite convincingly. **New vote!** ordered Cutter, **Now who's for me?** The vote was the exact opposite as before, showing that something was indeed very peculiar about elf psychology. And so it was Picknose, the wise troll, who lead the Wolfriders to their doom... er, new holt. *** Redlance was having a really weird night. He had been nearly killed at the hands of one of the most incompetent, as well as incontinent, humans. Now he was resting in this hooded elf's cube-shaped shelter. The tree-shaper knew no elves who made their homes this way - in the human mold - so who was this character? **I gotta know... who are you?** Redlance sent. "Thought you'd never ask," the elf stated. Pulling off the hood, it was revealed to be - - Rain the healer?! Now, the face was unmistakable, but... More worried than ever, Redlance demanded, **How'd you get here?? Everyone assumed you were long dead...** Just then he remembered that it was not good at all to assume, and that he had been one of the Wolfriders who had sweared that Rain would have been better off unborn. Redlance wisely chose to not speak his mind on that subject. From the lining of his breeches, Rain shamelessly pulled out a sheet of fabric which had some symbols on it. "This is my contract with Warp Graphics. According to it, if I expect to receive overtime pay, I had better make a decent cameo or two. Let's just say that I was DRAWN in by powers beyond my control," he said, chortling, for he had made his first bad pun. **Interesting...** Redlance remarked, **Can you heal me? It should be in my contract.** The young Wolfrider began to pull his contract out - it was not an easy task, and of course it was an extremely private one. Just as the tree-shaper had gotten the document out, Rain stated, "Let me see that." Defying all the social mores, he took the character contract from Redlance's hand and read, "It says, 'Terms and Obligations for Redlance in Book One: must sustain injury from humans,' and goes on to say, 'must also continue injured through long desert journey, come close to [Wolfrider] death, and be healed only at the expense of one Leetah the healer [character code SF-L.1, see also section 4A].' I really shouldn't, it would mess up the plot," Rain confessed. **The plot is already screwed up! I'm not supposed to be ABANDONED! I want my lovemate! Heal me, you... you formerly dead Wolfrider!** sent Redlance in rage. Rain sighed and picked up all his healing implements. "I suppose I should... Be forewarned, though, 'cause all the others - the formerly dead, as you call them - will want to make cameos, and if they get treated like me, then this whole thing is gonna go down the drain," he noted, and then actually threw Redlance's precious contract at him. What sort of human-like expression is that? realized Redlance as he was picking up the contract. He shot back, **Shut up, Rain!** -- Chapter Two: From There to Somewhere Else (Not Back Again) -- Cutter was the first one to sight the new "holt." HIs comment on it was, "Hey, it's dark out there." Picknose, being a more intelligent troll than most, replied, "Of course it is. It's the middle of the night. Now, if you'll go on, I will stay right here and not bother you." He tapped his foot impatiently against the edge of the cave, waiting for an opportunity to flick a booger at them. **I think not,** sent Strongbow, **Just watch - he'll pull some nasty trick on us as soon as we aren't looking.** Moonshade decided to decode this message for the troll. Making sure her hair was all in place, she told Picknose, "We will walk backwards just so you don't pull something stupid on us. Don't say we didn't warn you! Grrrr! Rrroooof!" she growled, attempting to sound threatening. Realizing his error, the troll corrected himself, "Of course. I planned this all along - the holt is completely worthless, and I am going to abandon you within seconds. Just let me hit the SECRET SWITCH!" Motivated by Picknose's wise use of elf psychology, Treestump boasted, "What an idiot! The troll thinks he can fool us. Well, I will be the first to enter the Holt, thank you." He began marching into the wilderness, whistling, and with his eyes closed. Angered that they hadn't been the first, the other Wolfriders followed him closely behind. Though some of them decided to actually look at their surroundings, all were still quite stoned. What they thought they saw was a barren, endless desert. Naturally, they were wrong. What really awaited Cutter's crew was a barren, endless swamp. But the Wolfriders were neither disappointed nor disillusioned, and they marched in a single column, ready to conquer this cowardly new world. Only Strongbow remained to smash their illusions. *** The sun went down and up again, as it has a bad habit of doing. As the Wolfriders invented sunblock on that fateful second day, much was happening several thousand Elf-Widths to the south in Sorrow's End. Rayek stood in the town circle, face to ugly face with his part-time lovemate Leetah. The tension between them was so strong as to actually freak out any other Sun Folk who even looked at them. Needless to say, Rayek ignored these physiological barriers and declared, "My life is really looking up these days. I found this fortune cookie while dining at Yurek's Time Out, and it said, 'You will experience Recognition with someone who can not stand you.' I suppose that would be... just might be... you." Standing - no, hovering - above Rayek, Leetah barely resisted spitting at him. Drooling was not too low in her eyes, even for such a miserable pus as the Sun Folk hunter. "I truly hope that it'll be Shenshen. She will simply slay you," she proclaimed, edging ever closer to the well only a few feet behind her. The one and only Sun Villager warrior flashed a nauseated look of depression. He told Leetah, acting sappily, "Just don't hate me because I'm scum and make you sick. While you're at it, don't hate me just because I accidentally caused your lovemate's death, just because I am passionate about the zwoot culture, and just because my brilliance has forced my parents into obscurity." She shuddered. "I'll find some reason," Leetah stated without equivocation. The healer ran cheetah-like from him just as he reached to touch her. Things were getting worse. *** Cutter, wearing his new "Sorrow's Block" on his exposed skin (and there was a lot of that), started to worry. He asked his soul bro' Skywise, **How much longer is it now?** The young astronomer didn't have a clue in the world. He was the one who had made up the story of the "Direction Star," and now he had to live up to his promise--and actually lead the tribe somewhere less barren and endless. Not yet willing to admit his error, Skywise sent back, **I don't know where the true holt will be yet... just hold on a bit longer...** I wonder if "Sorrow's Block" is really a good name... Cutter wondered for no particular reason. Then, from the dull mist of the horizon there appeared a strange creature. From what the elves could make of it, the being was vaguely humanoid - or elfanoid - and without any noticable clothes or physical features. As soon as it was within what they assumed was hearing range, Newstar asked, "Who, or what, are you?" The creature stared back up at the elves with its expressive eyes. "Friendly," it said innocently. By this time, they could see that this thing had one heck of a big nose. Even Treestump was baffled. He mentioned, "Looks like an iconic character more than anything else - and I think he's found his way into the wrong comic." The creature continued to walk on through the so-called desert, leaving the Wolfriders with, "Have a good 'Quiz." *** Redlance and Rain walked through what had been the human camp. Tabak's night of madness had lead to a revolution among the humans, and all of them fled the woods in different directions. As the two elves searched, Redlance sounded a note of despair: "I don't think this is necessary. None of us are quite crazy enough to stick around - and even if we were, we'd probably hide from each other." "Wanna bet?" Rain asked, but his fellow adventurer refused the foolish offer. NONE of the Wolfriders would trust Rain with even a single fire-eye bet. Several minutes later, outside the human site, Redlance spotted a small, cube-shaped dwelling. He insisted that it was a human home, but Rain was still curious. The healer took an unusual step of caution and only sent his greeting, **Anyone in there?** The thing that caused Redlance to nearly have a heart attack was not when Rain said "Oh, goody, I got a response," but when a female elf stepped out from the cabin and waved to them. It was Foxfur, who was apparently not as dead as he had thought. She did not look happy, however, and sent to them (well, more like at them), **Yes, you poser-healer, I'm here. Come on into the house, but don't ask questions. I've got several 'friends' here too, and we are all quite armed and dangerous.** Waving again with a massive knife, she stepped back inside. "Dang..." stated Redlance, hardly able to move after that shock. But Rain just stood there, smirking. Feeling just a little angry at the healer, the tree-shaper thought, Armed AND dangerous, huh? Well, we'll just see how those two get along. *** After several long, tedious hours of putting one foot in front of the other, the Wolfriders finally reached the edge of their long-awaited holt. The Blood of Ten Chiefs celebrated in his own peculiar way - by hugging the mountains. **Pardon me, oh chief,** sent Skywise, who could not see the trees for the forest, **But shouldn't we be looking for water?** Suddenly, Cutter snapped out of his drunken insipidity. He sent, **Ah, the one thing I forgot! No longer, though, for now I declare a water hunt! All who are brave enough to come along, indicate so now!** he told the tribe, hoping for some volunteers. Most of the Wolfriders then made the connection between their intense thirst, the deaths of two wolves (who will go unnamed), and the curious lack of water. Even though they were really in a swamp, it wasn't an especially wet one. But only three elves chose not to go along - One-Eye and his family. "Elfsonal reasons," was their excuse. Mounting the wolves that were left, the other Wolfriders charged up the mountain, then went down the other side. The sight before them would have sobered them had they not been in the middle of a hunt. The village of Sorrow's End was spread before them, and it was the perfect tourist sight, especially for those interested in the history of elven architecture. Nevertheless, the Wolfriders ignored the scenery and began to loot and plunder everything that looked valuable at the moment. Having gained much in the way of food, water, souvenirs, talismans, and Leetah the healer, they ran for the south side. The healer had been in the wrong place at the wrong time, for which there is of course no excuse. (ahem!) *** Meanwhile, Rayek took off after the pack of invaders. It was not that he desperately wanted Leetah, but instead he was fleeing from the even-more-evil Shenshen. He had just managed to--gasp--Recognize the little brat, and she was already tormenting him. Rayek even went as far as to run up the cliffs after the Wolfriders - perhaps they could provide some shelter. "Hello... help..." Rayek gasped, falling on his knees. The Wolfriders looked at each other, and began to laugh. Leetah forced herself from Cutter's grasp and announced, "If he wants help, you'd better give it to him! Are you listening??" **Well, I am,** sent Strongbow the unofficial negotiator. "Don't you do THAT again!" shouted Rayek, suddenly rising to his feet, and trying to punch Strongbow, he informed the elf, "Our leader has declared sending by non-naturalized citizens a minor felony!" The archer did not fail to smack Rayek one. He growled, "LISTEN then, you little twit. I am the lone wolf of this pack, and I will attack you if I deem it necessary." Rayek remained displeased. He told the Wolfriders, "The reason I ran here was to escape my Recognized one, who I despise. Can't you give me a chance? Or even leave me alone?" he asked, looking a little more like a simpering fool. Meanwhile, two Sun Folk emerged from their own climb up the cliffs. Though exhausted, they said in unison, "Sun-Toucher is interested in 'seeing' all of you right now. Please report back to him." Concluding that, both fainted from exhaustion, making Rayek look pretty darn good. -- -- %This reformatting was created, by Alan (John Alan Riggs), on February 7, 1999. All copyright disclaimers from the previous edition apply.% E-mail: Homepage: