The ElfQuiz Parody: The Revisionist History: Take-a-Look 1: Perspire and Blight Chapter 5: The Wolfrider Culture at Its Finest -- The night wind may have been singing, but it was drowned out by a dissonant chorus of howling. Just on the outskirts of Sorrow's End, where the suburbs would someday start, the Wolfriders had gathered upon a plateau in their evening ritual. It was an unprecedented event in the Sun Village, for they had the habit of retiring to bed at 11:30 at the latest. The next morning, more than a few of them would wake up and complain about this noise, but by then the wolves and their riders would be too far gone to even care. That was how it was. Not much unusual went on at howls... most of the time, that is. Because love had barged in on one of the tribe's members, something odd was almost destined to happen. Cutter stood, and as his tribemates watched, he shouted, "HARA-KIRI!" They all thought he was merely getting into the spirit - until he drew his sword and pointed Mew Noon at himself. That got a reaction unlike any he had ever seen. Half the Wolfriders were upon their chief in one second, and they forced the blade from his grasp in only one more second. "What the...?!" Cutter screamed as they held his wrists against the harsh, rocky ground, "It's only a ritual. Sheesh!" His uncle, Treestump, considered this for a moment. "Sorry... just a bit concerned there, laddy," he said meekly, realizing that Cutter had not been serious, or quite as suicide-inclined as he had thought. **However,** Strongbow sent, accusing the chief with every stinging word, **These emotional swings of yours have gone on far too long. I think we should ban you from the next two howls, or at least let someone else take control.** He stood, resolute, and stared down Cutter, almost trying to extract an reply from him. As the chief sat back down, cursing quietly, one so-called quiet and unassuming Wolfrider literally stood up for what he wanted. Woodlock, the most underrated of all the tribe's members, told them all, "I could take control." Whispering in her father's right ear, Newstar mentioned, "No thank you," but Woodlock just barely missed hearing the comment. She had tried to be polite, and now she was put to shame. Feeling left behind, Newstar told herself yet again that she would have her vengance later. But though Woodlock earnestly glanced over the tribe, none of them gave him any affirmation. Finally, Treestump offered the family elf his hand, and helped his tribe-brother to his seat once again. The elder told the crowd, "Well, I have authority to lead a howl. You may recall that I performed at least two during the onset of the 'Dark Days,' six turns back. If no one cares to suggest a story, I've got a good one in mind." Treestump simultaneously thought, Ah, nostalgia time. Breaking through the typical silence, Scouter spoke up and noted, "As long as it doesn't involve my family, it's all right with me." Realizing the weight of the youth's statement, Treestump responded, "Oh, yes, that thing. My story reaches back to even before the 'Dark Days,' and it's pretty much about historical figures, so don't worry." "We're waiting," said Pike with a deep yawn. He was technically the storyteller-in-training, and he knew that Treestump's skill, delivery, and audience adaptation were all sub-par. But all the others sat and waited. Without further ado, Treestump launched into the tale. He began, "The truth may now be known - it was Zarhan Fastfire who began the life of the being known as Madcoil. [This is in "Love and Memory" from _Wolfsong: Blood of Ten Chiefs V. 2_, but since 'Quiz is an alternaverse, that is not true here.] That well-remembered elf was completely justified in his action, at least, until he found out just what had happened - some time later. However, Madcoil did not formally come into existence until approximately six turns ago, when a large lightning storm hit the area where the 'seeds' of Madcoil had been 'planted.' The reaction produced by this gave life to the being. It may also now be said that the concept of him being merely a villain is completely erroneous. No, Madcoil was a confused character concept, and if he had been given more of a chance, one could conclude that he would have turned into a decent and likable creature, and not just a symbol of death." By this point, all but the die-hard Wolfriders were completely confused, or just plain asleep - even with the wolves' loud howling. Yet they dared not complain as Treestump waded on with his story, which was unforunately nothing more than a bundle of lies. The howl adjourned as the amateur storyteller breathed his last... sigh of relief, that is. Woodlock and his family were now justified in wishing that they were really Sun Folk. -- Chapter 6: Call It a Zwoot Quest -- It is common knowledge that when a Wolfrider goes out to socialize with a Sun Folk, they really need a life. Nightfall, once of the first to cross the line, proved once again how profoundly alone she was. And yet, from her meetings with Minyah, she learned how to grow plants. This time, she had no cause to prove her own abilities to Redlance, so the action was to her credit. Right about that time, Skywise and Sun-Toucher were chatting away on the "safe" mountainside of the Bridge of Density [Author's Note: The same place where Rayek had gone, and where the Trial of Heart started.], and they happened to be discussing women's issues. Unfortunately, no feminist - heck, no female - would have wanted to hear it. It just so happened that one other interesting thing was going on - and to have three simultaneous events going on in Sorrow's End was unheard of. Dewshine the ever-spunky was out of her father's sight. Instead, she was in the dwelling cave of One-Eye and his family. They were a happy group indeed, for Strongbow had also dropped by, along with Moonshade. Dewshine, though, was conversing with Scouter, and the two of them were lying on the floor, trying to tolerate the sharp stones. When One-Eye took a quick glance back, he shuddered in horror at What Might Have Been, and thought, Dang it, Dewshine, you're really pushing it this time. My idiot cub doesn't know the first thing about females, and I somehow doubt you're in a good position to teach him! Sadly, none of the other characters had any edifying thoughts. Clearbrook was on yet another high, thinking only of water and dreamberries and puckernuts and all things good and addictive. Moonshade was not thinking at all - she never bothered. Dart had gone somewhere else, but no one was willing to look. Strongbow remained typically bitter, and he openly sent this: **This whole alleged Recognition business is a load of bat guano. Better that they just commit hara-kiri than go through it!** He then took a gander at Moonshade, but it had gone right over her head. The archer stooped his head in frustration. Until that minute, Cutter had been having a good time. Leetah had let him do a little joyriding on a zwoot... but then he received the sending, and fell right off for lack of concentration. He got up, commanded the animal to stop: "Zstop!" and asked the healer, "Well, what do you think of this challenge and Recognition concept?" The healer gave him a dark, angry look. "You heard what he sent. 'Bat guano' only starts to describe it," she said with much dismay. Just then, they received an unpleasant visit. Shenshen's little friends appeared. The three of them had no names, but they were alike in mind and body: unintelligent, cootie-inducing, kawaii-obsessed little hussies. Both Cutter and Leetah screamed, and fled the scene - but in different directions. Needless to say, the three amigas didn't bother to chase them, for they had already ensnared Skywise in their trap. Leetah ended up almost tripping over Nightfall, who was seated on the ground, despite the intense sunlight. The Wolfrider had been gardening, and now she had been caught in the act. Feeling like she should apologize, Nightfall rose to her feet. The Sun Folk healer also looked away and started to mumble, and the wolf-blooded one mentioned, "Oh, don't worry too much about it. My secret will be out soon enough, probably just as I give up on this. Anyway, it's not going real well with Cutter, is it?" "Not terribly," Leetah admitted, "Do you have-..." she began to ask, but then the sound of an explosion came through the air. As they stood, agape, another crash was heard. Meanwhile, Skywise continued to stand near... what had been the Bridge of Density. The ancient ledge of stone crumbled to the ground only a moment ago, causing the second crash, but he did not know the source of the first sound. Scouter would know, he realized, and immediately sent for the watch-elf. Moments later, both Scouter and Dewshine scurried up the mountain. The male of the pair said, attempting to catch his breath, "I might be able to help... and Dewshine just had to get out of my family's den... you know." Skywise nodded in acknowledgment. He asked simply, "Can you find out just where that first sound came from?" for the Bridge was clearly broken, and even Sun-Toucher knew it. Going into his problem-analysis mode, Scouter began to report his findings: "Alrighty then. Ready, go, FOCUS. Analysis, begin. Resultant - internal problem, system virus detected. Elimination process, begin. Problem fixed. Situational analysis, restart. Location found - final deduction: zwoot stampede code IV. End program." Dewshine blurted, "Isn't he the greatest?" while feeling WAFFy. Waving in their faces, Skywise told them, "Snap back to reality. This is not going to be good. Let's warn the others of this zwoot stampede, so we don't end up with another dumb Treestump story turns from now." He began to march down. An interruption came from Sun-Toucher, who had been conveniently ignored. "But what about ME??" he asked, almost pouting in his tone. "You can just stay there," the three Wolfriders said, in unison, as they left. *** After the news was spread, all the Wolfriders gathered together in Cutter and Treestump's cave. They held a brief and decisive council, faster than anything on the Sun Folk records. Speaking of the villagers, except for the ever-reliable Leetah, they ran for cover. But since the healer stopped by the council, she was able to bring up her own idea - just for a suggestion. She only had to say two words: "A zwet," and they knew what she meant: a net to catch the zwoots. It sounded an awful lot like what Strongbow had done in the final encounter with Madcoil, but there was no time to brood on that now. Convinced that their tactics would work, the Wolfriders mounted up and charged into the soon-to-be battlefield atop the ruins of the Bridge of Density. Leetah came behind them, riding her own specially trained zwoot... just to see how they would do. While waiting for the cloud of dust to draw near, Moonshade complained, "Come on now. I can't stand here holding this zwet for too long." Several furious looks from her tribemates convinced the tanner to keep holding the fancy net. Not long after, Scouter told the group in his problem-analysis voice, "The zwoots are one minute and closing." If his calculations were right, the herd would be turned. If he had missed one decimal point, they'd probably all end up stuck in the net, and Strongbow would be seriously P.O.'d. All Cutter could think as he stared into the approaching mob was, Oh, great, now I've really got a problem. It's been quite a while... and I really, really, really have to GO... Finding that he could strain his body no longer, Cutter shouted "Go!!" eight seconds ahead of time. Needless to say, he immediately went in his breeches. The following combat scene, because it contained inappropriate violence and even (gasp) nudity, will not be covered. However, it should be said that the Wolfriders did well in their zwoot quest, with only one casualty, and that was because Dewshine got caught underneath a male zwoot, and experienced explicit animal bodily functions at a borrible angle. She recovered physically afterwards, thanks to you-know-who, but would never heal mentally. Shortly after the roundup, Cutter took his wolf companion Nightrunner into the fields and... um... Actually, he just started to wander in the open spaces near the village with the wolf, and did not harm his bond animal in any way, shape, or form. Regardless, Leetah happened to stumble upon the pair. "Care for a wild ride?" the B10C asked, hoping that his wolf-friend would accommodate another rider. She looked at him as if he were insane (which is partially true). "You don't have the slightest clue what's going on," she said of him. Cutter shrugged, for that was his typical feeling. "I guess not - give me a hint," he replied. Leetah began to work her way through an inventory she had made. "First, I did not complain at all during your little raid. Second, I stood by during the challenge, and did not take sides. Third, I let Rayek leave the village. Fourth, I spied on your howl, and didn't interrupt anything. Fifth, I provided that zwet free of charge. Sixth, I took my time to heal your cousin. Seventh, I'm pretty sure that we've Recognized. Eighth, I know your soul name. Now does any of this have meaning for YOU?" While waiting - rather patiently - for Cutter to react, the healer spied a familiar figure approaching them. It was Rayek, and he was alone. Cutting her soon-to-be lifemate off, she demanded, "Why are you here?" of her sister's lifemate. The hunter stared down both healer and chief. Rayek told them in his coldest, most condescending voice, "I came only for supplies, because Shenshen and I will be settling somewhere other than this abysmal desert. But while I am here, I shall trust with you a couple messages for the Sun Folk. Tell Adja to take care of any matters of defense, and tell Zhantee to just keep up the training. That is all," he said, without equivocation. Cutter retaliated with his own evil glance. "I've been thinking lately... and I'm sure you rigged the whole contest," he threatened Rayek, "If Sun-Toucher is the puppet leader of the Sun Folk, then you're no more than his spittle jar. And if Savah-..." "Don't bother," mentioned Leetah, "I hate him just as much, and for far smaller reasons. While I'm mentioning this, I now put a curse on whatever children Rayek may sire, so that they will come to mock him just as I am now doing..." By that time, though, Rayek was too far away to hear. It was growing dark, and there were only two things left for Cutter and Leetah to do. ...The second of those was to pick up some decent dreamberries for celebration. To do that, they had to wait on Nightfall and Minyah, because Redlance was... elsewhere. -- -- %To be continued in TAL 2: The Flea-Bitten Glove% %This reformatting was created, by Alan (John Alan Riggs), on February 7, 1999. All copyright disclaimers from the previous edition apply.% E-mail: Homepage: