Leetah recalled a horrid joke. She could not resist thinking, Huh, stupid is as stupid is. Restraining herself, she brought herself down to his level and suggested, "I know, it would be bad if Savah got those underground elves on us like she's threatened. But before that happens, we're going to need help. I allow you to go out into the world and make allies of all elves - well, at least all those you can find." She gave his ears a little squeak.
Her lifemate lit up. He was now inspired - a dangerous thing for such an unstable type of elf like Cutter. He told her in an excited voice, "That's it! I will go forth, and become a different sort of superhero. You may now publicly call me... Wollf Rider! This could be the beginning of something very good," he declared, feeling like Gourry on tequila.
Then, and only then, did Leetah feel it necessary to remind Cutter of something. She asked, "But what about the cubs?" You know, what will Suntop, Ember, heck, even Quickblade think?" Even the brat needed some sort of excuse to believe.
"Oh, it won't be a long quest or anything," Cutter pronounced, "I'm sure they'll do just fine," he said with remarkably little irony.
Leetah had to throw in one more closing remark: "Just do not blame me if something goes wrong," she warned him, knowing full well that Sun Folk law required them to bring the recent drunk elf along. By this time, she knew just how scary Woodlock got...
***
Over the next few days, the sun seemed to just about scream as it wove its course through the sky. The nights were
not long either, and strangely enough, this helped Redlance and Rain to reach the village. They reached the cliffs
right on city limits just as dawn struck the eastern roofs. The village was still sleepy from the effort of
getting Cutter, Skywise, and Woodlock on their way, so all was quiet. The two intruding Wolfriders looked at
each other, and bounded right into the village. Hardly knowing what they were doing, they leapt right unto the
roof of Savah's "cultural hut." Bantering softly, they began to analyze their situation.
"Now... this is some holt," whispered Rain excitedly, "Look at that elven architecture! Yeah, it's a little different, but I think I can handle it."
Redlance scowled at him. "What, are you planning a 'sneak attack'? I distinctly remember the last time you tried THAT. Maybe if we just submit ourselves, it will be better. More importantly, I don't think these... things... are like trees at all. We're sitting on this thing, but it's already shaking. It could probably collapse because of us - especially you, because I don't eat human food," he grumbled, wishing he could safely get away from the idiot healer.
A Cheshire Cat grin came from Rain. He all-too-casually asked, "What could possibly go wrong?" - - just as the roof caved in.
***
About that time, three other elves were walking through the desert, and two of their wolves had no names. It need
not be said that Cutter's bond was Nightrunner, the ever-reliable but very old wolf of his cubhood. Currently,
the wolf was relaxing atop a zwoot (who didn't have a name either) that they had brought along. Though all you
_Elfquest_ fanboys will insist that Skywise's wolf was Starjumper, in this parody, you are wrong. Here, it will
remain safely anonymous. Oh, and Woodlock didn't have any wolf-friend, so he wasn't too concerned either way.
The elves were a bit nervous, however, for getting back to the troll cave from whence they came would not be an
easy task. Skywise worried aloud, "How might the trolls welcome us back, if we get there? They were rather
benevolent before, but maybe now they've changed."
Cutter dejectedly replied, "Be quiet and keep searching for the star that'll give us a direction. And keep walking," he mumbled.
A night or so later, they came to the still-open entrance of the southern trolls' cave. The group sauntered in, but were slightly taken aback to find no trolls. The cave no longer smelled of the mud-dwellers, and the only things still living there were a family of bats. But having no use for guano, Cutter, Skywise, and Woodlock squished and squashed their way through the cave. When they got to the old holt exit, all three gathered around the open door and simultaneously gasped. "No... it can't be!" all exclaimed.
But it was true. The forest had not burned down after all. Every tree was still there, as well as a few new ones. As the trio and their animals stood there open-mouthed, two other elves decided to enter stage left and steal the scene. Out of the woodwork came Foxfur and Stormbringer (a.k.a. Stormie), with canisters of knockout gas in hand. They used their troll-bequeathed weapons on the dim ones, and it worked instantly. Cutter, Skywise, Woodlock, and their wolves all fell asleep in their tracks. The zwoot was not affected, but nothing bothered those newly tamed animals. But that was enough.
"Oh, I do say that I am on a roll today," said Stormie, laughing deviously. She carted the body of Cutter via his big, big hair into their house. She then mentioned to her mother, "What are we going to do with them? You do remember these elves, right? Might they be of any help?" the young artist wondered.
The self-christened mother was only serious for brief intervals. She stated, "I really don't know. We'll probably end up releasing them, as they are armed... If you ask me, they could only 'be of use' to Dobil."
As the two females and their cargo walked away, the unconscious wolves stayed behind, though obviously not of their own will. Only the zwoot was left to watch the scene.
***
"And a good evening to you!" shouted Stormie, sneering right at Cutter's face, "It's a good thing my mother remembered who
you three were, or else she might have had to kill you. Now, would you care for some traditional Go-Back tea?" the
strange young Wolfrider politely asked.
The Wolfriders' chief opened his eyes and yelled, "AAAHH!" Not only was he confronted with the visage of Stormbringer, he found his wrists and ankles chained to a cold wall via brightmetal cuffs. Glancing off to the side, he discovered that Skywise and Woodlock were in the same predicament. "What is this?" he woozily asked.
Foxfur left her ex-lovemate alone for a moment, and replied to Cutter, "This place? It's our outpost for ecological work and studies in the old holt area. This tea? It's Dobil's favorite recipe. Sure, we nearly killed him for making it the first time, but we've begun to appreciate it after some experimentation."
From the other side of the room, Woodlock called out, "Just give it to me, won't you?" He desperately needed more attention, and this was his route of getting it.
Dobil mumbled to the captive, "Gladly," and let Woodlock sample the stuff from a wooden cup. The one thought that entered Woodlock's mind as the tea entered his system was, This stuff is INTENSE - pure moonpetal flowers - the most intoxicating stuff on the World of Two Moons! He then began to twitch, started rattling his chains a little, and soon slipped into total incoherence.
"No thank you, Foxfur, I don't want it," Skywise sarcastically told his ex. He was already freaked out by her angst-filled attitude, and he figured getting drunk probably wouldn't help.
Since Stormie did not seem as vengeful as the other two tormentors, Cutter took a chance and asked her, "Where have all the trolls gone?"
Biting her right thumb - for she had five fingers on that hand - Stormie responded, "Ah, them. There was an elf who came through here about a moon or two short of seven turns ago. That was, of course, right after 'R' and 'R' came by. We told him about the trolls, and following that, neither him nor the trolls ever turned up again. Oh, what was his name, mother?" she asked of Foxfur.
The alleged mother coughed sharply. "We would prefer not to disclose such information as of yet," she declared.
"Hmmm!" Cutter and Skywise said simultaneously.
***
Back at Sorrow's End, the Wolfriders found themselves rudely awakened by a loud crash in the middle of the day. It
came from the "cultural hut," and out of self-interest, several tribe members rushed to the scene. Quickblade,
Nightfall, Strongbow, One-Eye, and Pike all bumped into each other just outside Savah's home, but none of them felt
secure enough to admit their reason for dropping by. Upon entering the now-damaged hut, Quickblade was first to point
out, "Not my fault this time!"
Pike just laughed at the devastation, for lying on the floor were two Wolfriders, slightly injured. Ahdri had already fled the scene, but Savah appeared to be staring at the mess, agape from shock. If any of them had looked up, little was left of the roof.
Nightfall exclaimed, "Hold on here - I recognize that one - it's Redlance!" Running to her old lovemate, she extracted him from the rubble.
"Just what we needed," grumbled One-Eye, "Another bloody Recognition. High Ones, I hate the thing." He was as bitter and detached as ever.
No disagreement there, thought Strongbow. **So who's the other one?** he sent openly, **Better not be a human, for I swore to myself - after the Woodlock incident - that the next human I saw, I would have to...** The archer then noticed the distinct hood on the fallen one's head.
Rain called out in a weak voice, "...Shoot him?"
**Indeed, yes,** Strongbow continued, **Just a moment - that voice is a little too familiar - could it be Rain the healer? Because I vowed that if he ever said something stupid again, I would have to...**
The healer answered meekly, "Shoot me?" He now remembered!
Strongbow answered in the affirmative as only he could. Within seconds, Rain was out the door and running. The itinerant archer took up the chase shortly after. Meanwhile, Pike kept on laughing, right along with Quickblade.
But as for the reunited Redlance and Nightfall, they had more to say. After a few tense moments, the tree-shaper confessed, "Lovemate, I waited seven turns for you. Despite everything else, I have remained faithful to you. - -How about you?" he asked, feeling worry overcome him.
For perhaps the first time in her life, Nightfall blushed. She replied, "Well, uh, I experimented a little, you know..." She had joined with everyone - and everything - but the figurative kitchen sink. Silently, One-Eye made his way back home.
***
In the ecologists' hut, however, things were only starting to get interesting. Foxfur complained, "You're lucky that
Dobil wanted us to unchain all of you. Just don't expect us to hand you that sword. It could hurt someone, and we
wouldn't want that," she mentioned, trying to sound threatening.
The concept of nonviolence was lost on Cutter. "Why is that, if I may ask?" he wondered.
All of a sudden, Stormie looked happy. She told them, "Because... hidden in Noon Mew's hilt is a very small dagger - exactly what I need to write my wonderful new literary work on tree bark. It's 'The Wolfrider Manifesto: A Reinterpretation of Timmorn's Code of Wolfrider Conduct.' And I don't intend to give the dagger back, thank you."
Woodlock, still out of his mind, had no reasonable comment to offer. If he had been sane, he would probably have mentioned Stormbringer's obsession with art. However, the unfortunate Wolfrider needed a good while to recover. And in the meantime, all he could do with his life was to sit on the floor and babble.
"But why? Why did you torture us?" shouted Skywise, still not getting it.
Foxfur grimaced maliciously. "I have my reasons," she grunted.
Suddenly, everyone in the hut heard a crashing sound from underneath their feet. Skywise was first to ask about it: "What was that? You're not hiding something, are you?"
Again, Foxfur put on her most evil expression. "No. Of course not. You know how we are," replied the secret-keeper, as if she were talking to a complete imbecile.
The travelers, excluding Woodlock, exchanged glances as an unfamiliar shout was heard from the same general direction. I think it would be best to move on - right about now, Cutter figured.
While Skywise was busy fending off Foxfur's attacks, the chief examined his slightly altered sword. The loss of the small interior dagger had changed the appearance of Noon Mew's hilt, and Cutter thought that the deformity would be irreparable unless he retrieved the dagger. To do that, he would need a group effort. The chief sent privately to Skywise, **Hey, we've got to repair my sword, for fashion purposes, and get out of here. Could you forget Foxfur and help me - and Woodlock - distract Stormie?**
Skywise mentally answered, **No trouble at all.** He squirmed away from his former lovemate and snuck up behind Stormbringer, who was seated at the one table in the ecologists' hut. He asked the busy young female, "Do you see what Dobil has made of our friend Woodlock? Will you not tell us how to help him?" he kindly requested.
Meanwhile, Cutter pushed the still-foaming Woodlock away from Dobil and toward Stormie, and he tried to pose the intoxicated one in a convoluted way. "You see, he is now insane, and perhaps he will die. After all, Woodlock's always been rather weak. But I believe that he will come to his sense if he receives some physical pain. With that dagger, perhaps you could do it for us?" Cutter asked as politely as possible.
Rather distraught by this statement, Stormie looked at Cutter with a dangerous glare. "You don't know much about Go-Back tea, do you? Dobil told us all about it - didn't you, Dobil? That's not how it works, RIGHT?" she wondered aloud.
The dim so-called Go-Back wasn't sure how to reply. He informed the group, "I don't believe it myself, but our visitor is right. It's an obscure alternative method practiced only every now and then... I had completely forgotten about it," he admitted, excusing himself. It need not be said that Dobil did not enjoy pain.
"But of course," Cutter said, lying badly, "Perform the treament, Stormbringer."
As Skywise held Woodlock still, Stormie cautiously struck the wolfless Wolfrider with the miniature dagger. Right then, Cutter grabbed the thing from her five-fingered hand. Both Stormie and Foxfur hissed furiously when they realized this deception - which happened immediately. Cutter and Skywise sent for their wolves, and broke for the door. Before a battle could break out, all the travelers were mounted - Woodlock on the zwoot - and fleeing into the horizon. Foxfur screamed at the escaping elves, "We shall meet again!!"
Next is TAL 2: Chapter 3: The Weird Wildlife Woods (A Strangeness of Her Own)
Lost in the Geocities
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This is a not-for-profit fan page, and is not endorsed by any person, company, or entity mentioned within. _Elfquest_, its characters, etc. are copyright 1978-1998 Warp Graphics. "The ElfQuiz Parody" and its distorted characters are a satire thereof, and should not be misconstrued as an actual work of Warp Graphics or its employees. All other characters, phrases, et al. are the copyrights of their owner(s)/creator(s). Any resemblance between characters and any actual persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. This page was last updated by John Alan "Merejez" Riggs on March 26, 1998. Look out for the first "ElfQuiz Parody" contest - where YOU can name the "mystery cub"!