With a cool wind making its way through the Weird Wildlife Woods, everything seemed normal and happy. This was the first time since TAL 2: Chapter One that the travelers had a chance to relax. But since Skywise insisted on being a twit, he simply had to visit the human-raised elf as she went outside for a drink.
"So, what's your sign?" the stargazer asked in somewhat accented Human. He longingly watched as she finished hoisting a bucket of water out of her adoptive parents' well, but he was a bit taken aback when she set it down and smacked him across the face.
Now that Skywise was in his rightful position - sprawled out on the ground - Hoodbearer gruffly replied, "You wanna know? Yield."
The joke went straight over Skywise's head. "What?" he foolishly asked.
Gazing down at him like a vulture, Hoodbearer continued, "Unless you can find a red diamond, forget it. I don't particularily like people who sneak up on me."
Warily, Skywise stood up. Now he knew what he was doing. "Is this some sort of rejection? I am not easily put down, Hoodbearer," he told her, trying to appear relaxed.
She kept staring at him. "Do I have to slap you again?" she declared.
"Maybe. I've experienced worse," the stargazer confessed. He shrugged and began to walk away.
Dang, you're stupid, Hoodbearer thought. Leaving her bucket by the well, she followed after him and clenched his left hand.
***
A mile above the swamp, the thunder exploded again. Down on the World of Two Moons, Choplicker gave an oddly nervous yelp. "Calm down, wolf-friend," Ember reminded him, "We didn't bring any metal along, so we'll be fine..."
The other party members were equally bold. Rain, for one, almost burst out singing as he announced, "Don't you love the desert? I say, it's so relaxing! No more forest allergies." He had long since discarded his Sun Folk-given parasol, and didn't mind the fact that he could get very sick at any moment.
Nightfall, being one who stood in the middle, reminded Redlance, "Yes, I know he should have remained dead. And yes, I know you loathe him. But there's nothing we can do about it, right? That is correct, lovemate, yes?" Scowling, she was grabbing him by the right arm AND ear as they rode along.
"I don't care if I have to break Timmorn's Code of Wolfrider Conduct," Redlance complained, "Rain has taken advantage of us - and especially me - far too often. He will die, I swear it! Hopefully in a violent way! And then... I get to reveal his little secret!" the tree-shaper hissed. His sanity was seriously slipping this time.
Then and there, Suntop stopped in his tracks. He turned to the group, and over the pounding thunder, asked, "Does anyone know where we're going?"
All heads shook no.
***
"I have detected some irregularities in the squirrel spirits, Nonna told the others at breakfast.
At the very mention of the word "squirrel," all seven elves turned toward the human. They were not happy. Foxfur was worst of all, and she grunted, "She BETTER not be sending us against them."
Though still holding her spoon aloft, Stormie whispered, "Doubt it. Human psychology isn't that twisted." She took another bite of the cold cereal.
Still folding her arms in indignation, Foxfur muttered, "No matter."
Being a typical human, Nonna was ready to freak out. "Oh, good spirits, I was merely referring to the giant squirrels that inhabit these woods! You have met them, have you not?" she asked worriedly.
"Yes, I believe we might have," uttered Cutter, with a great deal of sarcasm.
Now that the coast was clear, Nonna continued, "Then you will know what I'm talking about. They have not eaten from our feeders since you've come. I fear it is a sign that we are to move forward. Wouldn't you agree, Adar?" she inquired of her husband.
Unfortunately, he didn't understand any of this mysticism. "Sounds good to me," he mumbled, still finishing his oatmeal.
As an aside, Hoodbearer told Cutter, "They've only grown nuttier since they adopted me. There's no telling what their plan is. I suggest we leave first!" She was not terribly happy after her encounter with Skywise, and the two of them were at opposite ends of the table.
Dobil asked, from out of nowhere, "But where would you move forward to?"
The only one who could answer that was Nonna. She stated, after a minute of delay, "Why, we will be off to Adar's old village. They're the Ahon G'yat Hso. [Yes, that is a spoonerism on the Hoan G'tay Sho from the real _Elfquest_ books.] Seems that's the place to be if you're a squirrel." She shrugged and finished her cup of water.
As if to offer foreshadowing, Adar moaned.
***
Strongbow stood before the cliffs on the edge of the swamp. **Now this is suffering,** he mentally exclaimed. He was ready to climb up to reach the other side.
Meanwhile, Ember and Quickblade were happily exploring the area. Not quite a troublemaker at heart, Ember was a bit slow at times. She pointed out something that, to her, was in the distance. "Look over there! Now, what is that?" she asked the rapidly departing Quickblade.
Her brother laughed mercilessly as he strode away. "Those are two old, incompetent elves, if you ask me. Now I shall pull off my next big joke," he reported from afar. As Ember scampered off to tell her mother, Quickblade got ready to humiliate this duo. "Good evening," he said offhandedly, "How are you gentle-elves? You may know me as Quickblade, the potential Blood of Eleven Chiefs [Only if Ember AND Suntop die.], and the unofficial elf about town in Sorrow's End."
One of the old elves, who seemed a bit deformed, said to the other, "What'd he say? What is going on here, Jhorof?"
The elf called Jhorof replied, "Well, Osek, it appears that we have a visitor. I will welcome him, if you are too preoccupied. How do you do, friend? I suppose that you caught our names..." Jhorof said innocently.
Quickblade smirked. "Indeed, I did. Now, what might two old elves be doing here, in this wasteland, all by themselves? It seems peculiar to my mind," he convincingly stated. All the while, he was preparing his mango launcher behind his back.
"Well... I can't really explain it..." murmured Osek.
Jhorof filled in for the absent-minded one, "Oh, that's perfectly all right. But we do have very long stories. As for myself, oh, it's an odd one. One might call me an anomaly among the Sun Folk- - -" His sentence came to a halt when he saw a very ripe mango flying right at him.
As the disgusting fruit splattered over Jhorof and Osek, Leetah, Ember, and Suntop rushed up to Quickblade. The youth's mother scolded him, "That was completely uncalled for! Quickblade, you are going to clean this up, and apologize to these elves!" she ordered the cub.
"Yeah, Quickblade. This had better be your last prank," said Suntop and Ember at once. They ran back towards the main group, leaving their brother to his agonizing task.
Over the next few minutes, Leetah made a great many apologies, while Quickblade wiped off the mango goop. He had nothing to say to this dirty duo. But he would get revenge, with an even nastier prank...
***
The village of the Ahon G'yat Hso drew near. Its alabaster huts were dimmed by human tears, for it was more messed up than even the strangest elf holts/villages. "Have I told you why I hate humans lately?" asked Foxfur, glancing over at Hoodbearer.
The human-raised elf replied, "Yes, but you're going to tell us anyway, unless I am mistaken. She knew all about the other six - and she found five of them (including Woodlock!) fascinating. Foxfur was a tad bitter and extreme in her eyes, but that was better than the lechery of Skywise.
Unmoved, Foxfur continued, "It's because they are ugly, prejudiced, stupid, violent, prone to drunkenness, immoral, outdated, and weird. And I don't like their language. Need I say more?"
Fortunately, Adar had not been listening too intently. He interrupted them, "Quiet! We're almost at the village. Let us take it from here." With Nonna, he went from the wooded area into the fields that marked the town's limits.
The elves watched their human "allies" from behind a cluster of trees. After being rudely greeted by the bored villagers, Nonna and Adar received the official greeting, by an ugly hag that vaguely resembled a human female. The trollish being, barely able to stand, screamed, "Augh! You, woman, are eeeevil! You claim to come from the town of Phiavo - now prove it! Take your wings and flap, flap, flap away! Or should I mention that you drove Selah, the chief's daughter, into madness? Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!"
Thinking on her feet, Nonna got a wicked idea. She took a few carefully calculated steps, and laughing quietly, she pushed the Bone Woman over with a simple nudge.
"Doooooh!" shouted the Bone Woman in her remarkably whiny voice, "I have fallen down, and I ain't gettin' up!" She thrashed about for a moment, but to no avail.
After Nonna and Adar quickly consulted their plans on "how to make a good first impression," the chief of the Ahon G'yat Hso appeared. He was Olbar the Mountain-Tall, or The Mountainous, or even The Rock-Headed. This large and imposing male declared, "Look, I don't care about Bone Lady here. What I want is justice, plain and simple. Now, if everyone here will come into our brand new court-hut, including whatever spirits are out there, we shall see what is going on here." He quickly left the scene.
Back within the woods, the elves just stared at each other. Noticing that their "favorite" humans were following orders, they didn't quite know how to react. Dobil spoke up, "You mean we have to go to trial?"
"It appears that the quest has become much more interesting," Woodlock commented, at a loss for any other words.
The next episode is up. Chapter Five: Trial by Humans (Enter Windkid the Glider).
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This is a not-for-profit fan page, and is not endorsed by any person, company, or entity mentioned within. _Elfquest_, its characters, et al. are copyright 1978-1998 Warp Graphics. "The ElfQuiz Parody" is a satire thereof, and should not be misconstrued as an actual work of Warp Graphics or its employees. This page was last updated on April 3, 1998, by John Alan "Merejez" Riggs. Love asks for everything.