The ElfQuiz Parody: The Revisionist History: Take-a-Look 2: The Flea-Bitten Glove

Chapter Five: Trial by Humans (Enter Windkid the Glider)
[Author's Note: This first scene initially belonged at the end of Chapter 4. But I decided it might work in better here. It also shows that though I don't like Nightfall, I don't think she's the bane of elvenkind, either.]

Like ants crawling through the pavement cracks, they walked through the canyon. Evening had come, and everyone was ready to move on. All was quiet among the Wolfriders, for if just one spoke too loud, they could all be crushed in an avalanche. Even Leetah, who was still learning the basics of sending, resorted to mind-to-mind communication. No one complained, because they were all driven by the potential consequences of talking.

Nightfall found herself stuck in the middle of the group. Seven turns prior, her refusal to help Redlance in his most desperate hour caused the Wolfriders to flee the old holt. Every time she thought back to that evening, she trembled. How much she had grown since then! And yet, she had learned little but gardening, and how to further betray Redlance. Silently cursing, she chose to fight back the memories and the pain. Trying - and struggling - to win her own war, she sent to the group, **This canyon is a very convenient passage. Why didn't we find it earlier?**

The ever-perceptive Dewshine replied, **We had to deal with Quickblade's mess. At least we got information from that Osek - and it was right. But back during our first escape? Oh, Nightfall, those nights were just freaky. I don't even remember how I acted,** she admitted, feeling a few tears overcome her.

In the front of the group was Suntop, ever gazing towards the plains ahead. He took up this journey for Savah's sake - and they all were trying to follow up on that. But what, he asked himself, What could have caused her hang-up? And what can cure it?

By the time the group reached level ground, the other traveling elves were fighting for their own lives...

***
Chief Olbar called the Ahon G'yat Hso court to order by tooting on his "horn of justice." All the humans were packed in - even the Bone Woman - and the elves were shoved into the very back row. Since the humans' chief was the self-appointed judge, and his tribe the jury, he needed to find some lawyers. Olbar, from behind his massive desk, called out, "A human lawyer has already been assigned to this case. Now, who will stand for the spirits?"

As soon as the name "Oarken" was mentioned, Hoodbearer jumped in her seat. "How did he get here?!" she exclaimed, and then checked her companions to see if anyone was staring back at her. Thought the other elves were not terribly happy about Oarken, the mad scientist of the Gotarians, being there, only Hoodbearer knew what it meant.

Jumping to conclusions, Olbar raised his right hand and announced, "I'll take that as a yes. You may now come forward, spirit-lawyer." He seated himself and secretly pulled out a pack of gum.

Feeling that something had to be done to alleviate Hoodbearer's shock, Stormie whispered, "Go on! We're gonna need you, 'cause you speak better Human than the rest of us." A minute later, Hoodbearer dejectedly stood and took the sawdust trail up to the seat prepared for her.

Now everything was ready. Oarken took the speaker's stand, and told them, "The reason we are gathered here today is not because of the long-discarded accusations against Adar and his chosen, not because of the alleged control of the Bone Woman over Chief Olbar, and certainly not because of the repercussions of the Spirit War some years ago. No, the reason for this trail is a question that demands an answer: can the spirits be trusted? I will proceed to turn this over to the first witness, Eward of the Gotarians, a former Spirit-Man of the aforementioned tribe." Having amazed the humans with his eloquence - though little else - Oarken took a seat.

Cutter, Skywise, Woodlock, and Foxfur all knew the witness. Eward looked the same as ever, what with his white beard, random jewelry, and sour expression. He had, however, adapted to Ahon G'yat Hso ways of life quickly, as was evidenced by the fact that he now wore reasonable clothing. The old man told them, "I have never in my life trusted any sort of spirit. My experience has testified to that they are a pestilence to be vaporized off the face of this planet. This is what I believe, and may Gotara strike me down otherwise." To the surprise of many, Eward promptly fell off the witness stand, though he was unharmed.

"Well? Say something."

She felt prepared. Though clearly nervous, the human-raised elf marched up to the stand and presented her defense: "Need I present evidence? Humans, we ARE the evidence. I have lived with Nonna and Adar for quite some time - and the slightly-less-savory Oarken and Lefetha before that. You could say I have witnessed much in human behavior. There is a tendency humans have to experience extreme reactions to us spirits... or elves, as we call ourselves. For worse or better, this has pretty much existed since... well, a long time. Perhaps some further persuasion from my companions can help change your opinions. Now, will someone please step up?" she requested of her fellow elves. For a painfully long moment, no one moved.

And then Woodlock got up. Reverting to his fuming maniac mode, he usurped Hoodbearer's podium and attacked the audience with, "I despise humans! Eward, you're an old acquaintence of mine. We met back in the humans' old camp. Do you remember that, ya old fool? I had come - since nobody else was available - to rescue the one now known as One-Eye from you humans. There I saw you, mocking my tribe, and there I saw you, spouting your diatribe! Well, let it be said that the humans would likely have taken me prisoner if we hadn't hit upon a sudden streak of luck. In short, I am a bit pessimistic about finding a full reconciliation." That said, he snuck back to the elves' bench.

Hoodbearer, on the opposite end of the bench, groaned quietly. What does he know?

A massive creaking echoed through the courthut. It had a fairly obvious source: the Bone Woman. She waddled towards the stand and declared, "Have we had enough now?"

By this point, Olbar didn't know quite who to believe. He suggested, "How about we ask Nonna and Adar to speak for themselves?" The Ahon G'yat Hso chief did not want a riot.

"Ah, finally," said Adar with a sigh. He took his rightful place at the witness stand, and with authority, he told the jury, "You'll understand what I mean by not understanding any of this. Life with Nonna has been confusing at best. Though our marriage was finally put into legal terms by the Hoan G'tay Sho, we've still been strangers in a familiar land. But why, some of you may ask - and with reasonable suspicion - am I putting behind my past as an 'elfie'? The reason is that I have finally decided to take up my father's trade, so that I might deserve the venerable surname of Wood-Cleaver. Now, do you care to take us in, or will we be forced to take... drastic measures again?"

Despite the occasional remark from the humans that will go untranslated, they seemed to agree with this idea. Nonna followed her husband to the stand, and asked of the crowd, "What do I think of the issue of good and evil spirits? I think it's a lot of bologna!" Incredibly, the humans had no idea what that meat-like substance was, but she went on, "My point is that when I was with my old tribe, I met a bird spirit who took her time to heal me from a mysterious disease. Thus I have concluded that the - ahem - majority of the spirits are good in nature. That may be debatable theology, but I think that this group will help us in ways that even you may not understand." She walked down from the podium, and gave the elves a glance that made each one shiver.

Then Cutter remembered - she was talking about the character contracts. According to what Nonna and Adar had told him, they were set to be accepted by the Ahon G'yat Hso, but trouble would soon come for the elves. He didn't like the idea of such predestination, but the contracts undeniably held all their lives in balance. If they broke the set expectations any further, punishment would probably come...

When Olbar read the "not guilty" verdict for the elves, Cutter was comatose.

***
To the travelers from Sorrow's End, the plains were a welcome sight. They needed to be able to relax a little. Except, of course, for Strongbow. The famed hunter never allowed himself any liberty, and this time he decided to take up big game hunting. Today's target was a large bird, flying several thousand feet above him, and seemingly alone.

Though the Wolfriders did not know it - yet - one young elf was riding that bird. He was called Windkid, and by his tribe's standard, he was a foolish young Glider. Windkid had flown ahead of the others that day, mainly because he was sick and tired of Tyldak's endless chatter. He knew not what hit his mount, only that he was suddenly falling.

Of all the Wolfriders, Suntop was the most alone, and he was listening hard enough to hear Windkid's scream as he free-fell. Leetah's male cub sent to the group, **There's going to be a big problem here within seconds! We need a net - now!**

As the tribe hurried together to provide a safe landing spot for Strongbow's unlucky target, seven other Gliders swooped in to his rescue...

***
The trial was over. For the first time in turns, Cutter and others found themselves welcome in a group of humans. A victory celebration was quickly held in their honor, which would also commemorate the return of Nonna and Adar to the tribe. And thus the elves found themselves seated on a human-made platform, watching the A.G.H. perform a curiously cultural dance known as "Mosh Pit."

"Fascinating," Cutter commented, half-awake, "I think it has some aesthetic qualities which redeem it." He continued to gaze at his shoes.

Skywise thought otherwise. "Doubt it. I give it four fingers down - the whole scope of human art does no justice to the elf culture," he remarked.

No one asked Woodlock's opinion, but he gave it anyway, "I quite frankly don't care," the wolfless one said.

Hoodbearer said nothing, for she was only beginning to understand Elf. She felt more alone than ever.

Dobil, too, was silent. This was for the greater good of the people.

Always the one to note what usually went unspoken, Stormie added, "I'd really prefer to move on, but I suppose this is all right for now. Leaving the Ahon G'yat Hso would probably annoy them more than us."

"Oh, whatever," grumbled Foxfur, "Just let them do their worst." She planned to have Stormie once again at her command - and soon.

Not far above them, an unseen critic was watching the elves. He was the true Starjumper, a self-made elf, and the alleged cub of Cutter and Nightfall. Starjumper knew little of the Wolfriders' ways, but at the same time, he knew far too much. Fools, all of you are petty fools, he thought, And it will not be long before I have dominion over all of you.


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Next on the agenda is TAL 2: Chapter 6: What is "The Flea-Bitten Glove" Anyway? (It's the Pit).

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