The ElfQuiz Parody: The Revisionist History: Take-a-Look 2: The Flea-Bitten Glove (Installment Two) -- Chapter Three: The Weird Wildlife Woods (A Strangeness of Her Own) The trail they blazed quickly turned into a fire. Cutter, Skywise, Woodlock, and their respective mounts had left the ecologists' hut in a hurry, and they had no intention of looking back. Before the three elves knew it, the forest turned into plains, then desert, then plains, then forest again. Having come that far, they could do little else than glance at each other, and march into the new, northern grove. For those who are not into Wolfrider lore, it is common knowledge that even if a forest is dangerous or unpleasant, one can only go halfway into it. The journey out the other half will always seem easy by comparison. That is why Woodlock, less than a day into the woods, remarked, "I hope that this is not a very large place." He was scared, though the others had not yet noticed the horror that awaited them. Cutter turned, stared warily at him, and asked, "Why's that?" Pointing out the battle regiment of heavily armed animals in front of them, Woodlock mentioned, "Well, have you seen giant squirrels before?" All the evil creatures held massive spears in their paws, and they appeared to be chattering some sort of battle cry. They had not seen anything of the sort before. Skywise immediately ran for cover, while Cutter brandished the newly repaired Noon Mew and screamed something about bringing the walls down and Mantheren and the usual mindless garbage he spouted. So it was that in a rather awkward way, a battle began. The B10C charged forward on Nightrunner, practically causing the wolf to have at least one heart attack. He knocked over three of the squirrel warriors, but the others came to their comrades' aid. When Woodlock saw how badly the battle was starting, he started screaming and throwing sticks at the squirrel assailants. No, things were not in the elves' favor, but then another player entered the scene. A small, sword-bearing mammal - perhaps a ravvit - dashed in and tore several dozen uber-squirrels to pieces. But the army was not yet broken, for two squirrel soldiers knocked Cutter into la-la-land, and dragged him off stage north. Woodlock could only watch as the smoke cleared... *** "/Good morning, bird spirit,\" a human voice sounded. Cutter, not feeling quite like himself, opened his eyes. Indeed, two humans were standing over him, one male, one female. Oddly, a female elf was half-standing behind them. But the human woman smiled like an obnoxious stewardess and cooed, "/Why is it that you have been brought to us, since we are mere humans?\" Apparently, they were expecting an answer. "/I have no clue what you're talking about. Might you be related to a certain human named Tabak?\" Cutter asked in his best Human - albeit absent-mindedly. The male human replied in a refreshingly somber voice, "/I've heard the name, but I wouldn't be able to tell you where he is. Tabak's tribe and my own have conflicted over - ahem - several issues, so we don't keep good contact.\" This person, unlike so many others, knew what he was talking about. The human woman continued, "/Still, you were with other bird spirits - the squirrels told us that. Where might they be now?\" It was just a little ironic that two elves were in hearing range when she asked this. Now Cutter was unhappy. "/What?! You don't know?\" he yelled, demanding satisfaction. The other elf in the room spoke up, commenting in a rough female voice, "/I've seen them around, though no one bothered to ask me. Well, they're probably together, and safe, and they might be looking for you now.\" From what Cutter could see, she was dressed in an uncannily plain dress with a hood built into it. *** I don't like this place... thought Skywise - with good reason. He had made his way back to where Woodlock waited. According to his traveling companion, the squirrels had left because they had sighted some birdfeeders - a most effective distraction. Now that they were a little less freaked out, they decided to search for Cutter. Along the way, though, they spotted a shadow among the trees - and it wasn't a squirrel. Skywise looked again, and instantly he knew what the shadow was. "NO WAY - I don't believe this!" he shouted, "It's Madcoil! All over again! Just when I thought he was dead- -" Then they had reason to panic, for from out of the woods behind them came a familiar voice - the voice of Foxfur. She called out to them, "Yes, Skywise, lots of surprises await you. Good thing we happened to show up." Foxfur, Stormie, and Dobil ambled, dashed, and staggered (in that order) over to where the two male Wolfriders were. There was only a moment to assemble for combat before Madcoil II came into full view. This new and improved beast had the same tough hide, black-sending powers, and long nasty fangs as the previous model, plus it was painted in a revolting orange color - the same hue you might see on the back of a record case. Despite its comical appearance, Madcoil II hissed menacingly. The battle commenced! As Stormie and Woodlock hit hard with their long-range stone throwing skills, Foxfur and Skywise came at the monster from opposite angles - after all, they couldn't stand to stand near each other. What did Dobil do? Not much, for though he was of the tribe that had been called the Go-Backs, he didn't fit into any culture that demanded fighting ability. All he could do was taunt the rapidly approaching Madcoil II. Yes, Foxfur used her vicious leaping attack, but she couldn't quite reach the monster's eye. It was not looking good. All of a sudden - and later sources would claim "gamemaster intervention" on this one - the shapes of two elves appeared from the forest behind them. No one got a good luck at this odd duo, but within two rounds of combat, they had ripped BOTH of Madcoil II's eyes out. They left the scene just as the creature fell to the ground. After catching his breath, Woodlock wondered, "Who, or what, were they??" "Don't worry," Foxfur suggested, walking over to him and making sure he didn't collapse, "They're not related to you." She flashed a look of assurance to Dobil, and put her sword away. *** Now that Cutter could get out of bed, he had a clear view of the humans' house. It was built of wood stacked neatly together. Each log had a word inscribed on it: Lincoln. Ignoring this uninterpretable message, Cutter asked the ones who had healed him, "Could you give me your names?" They did, each in turn. Apparently, the male human was Adar, the female human was Nonna, and the strange young elf was Hoodbearer. Cutter was just about to ask about that oddly familiar name when he heard a knock. Someone was trying to break down the Lincoln logs. The humans also realized that a robbery was in progress, for Nonna ran over to the opposite corner of the house and grabbed a short sword. Adar began to brace the wall. Curiously, Hoodbearer did nothing but sit down. "Ayooah!" screamed Stormie as half the wall literally vanished. Skywise, Foxfur, and even Woodlock charged right through the hole, into the house. Stormie had to lead Dobil in, but he came in his own time. Seeing that Cutter wasn't moving anywhere fast, Skywise blurted, "I'm Skywise the Wolfrider, and I'm here to help you!" He looked around the house, but everything - including the unconscious Adar - was still. The chief stared at Skywise and commented, "Whoa! Deja vu!" [Yes, yes, I stole this from VeggieTales, but only for the sake of promotion. Sorry.] Right about then, Nonna was ready to throw a fit. "Hello, Hoodbearer, are you going to do anything?" she asked of her adopted daughter. Bearing a somber, menacing look, Hoodbearer told Nonna, "Why should I? You kept me from my own kind for so long... what do you mean to me? I see no reason why elves should not do it unto humans before humans do it unto us." Standing up, she produced a needle-sharp dagger. A bit alarmed by her violent side, Cutter mentally suggested, **Don't kill them yet. I have good reason to trust these humans.** He looked into the eyes of his fellow elves - now they were listening. "What reason's that?" Dobil demanded, bluntly suspicious. Though ready to shoot down the "Go-Back," Cutter sent again, **They know about character contracts. Let me explain this to all of you...** *** Ever since Rayek's birth, things in Sorrow's End had been a little rocky. There were mysterious happenings, secrets left unrevealed, and an awful lot of stuff that no one liked talking about. The fears of many Sun Villagers were confirmed when Ahdri gave a report that Savah had "...gone out, and has not come back yet. She may have been hung up on..." Suntop, for one, had seen it coming. One of the things the cub did in his spare time was to compile an analysis of Cutter, Skywise, and Woodlock's quest. He assembled transcripts of verbal and sent reports from Savah, and had arranged a studio for himself in Leetah's basement. Within the last moon, the messages he got from her had become more strange and nebulous. There were mentions of elves acting like trolls, squirrel rampages, and a duo of bizarre humans. When Savah's long-distance sending connection to the quest finally got hung up on, Suntop nearly lost it. He gave most of his reports to Ember's wolf cub Choplicker, who promptly ate them. The rest ended up in Quickblade's hands, and instantly experienced a much worse fate. Suntop knew that curing Savah's hang-up state would take time, and work, and drastic action... and someone else. Some nights later, Suntop came before the remaining Wolfriders and presented his case. He suggested that all the able-bodied Wolfriders leave Sorrow's End, find Cutter and the others, and work out a solution with them. "It's probably less expensive - and safer - than long-distance sending on our own," he said to the crowd, "And it'll bring us together. The problem is..." Ember immediately filled in the answer for her twin brother, "...that we might not work it out, even together. Yeah, and not only that, but a certain Sun Folk will complain. Adja might be chairelf of the Sun Folk Defense Committee, but they haven't done anything since they gave up on Rayek." The cub sat down on the remains of a dreamberry bush and began whispering her problems to Choplicker. At this point, they were pretty much all stumped. Therefore, only Treestump could help. "Maybe we should appease Adja and friends. Let a healer and/or a warrior, since they lack both, stay and help them," he suggested. "It's not going to be ME!" declared an already indignant Rain. He was not only bruised and beaten from his fight with Strongbow, but a tour of Sorrow's End had gone sour when a zwoot took a liking to him. Though Redlance gave Rain the look of instant death, he was still ready and willing to provide suggestions. "Let's do this on a volunteer basis. If there's more than one, we'll decide the winner by chance. So, whoever wants to, put your hands up," Redlance boldly suggested. Only two young, nervous hands were raised. They belonged to Scouter and Dart, the only Wolfriders who had failed Social Life 101. Dart was a blatant nerd if there ever were one, and Dewshine had dumped her lovemate after he started hyping Geocities. And so the other sixteen Wolfriders took a vote on which one would stay, but it split perfectly even. A debate between parents broke out... **My cub will not stay in this swamp pit of a village,** Strongbow rudely sent, **On the other hand, he won't survive five minutes outside of it.** One-Eye grunted, "Hummmph. Have it your way - both Scouter and Dart stay. Alrighty then, cub, you'd better get these morons off their behinds. Go for the gopher and be the very first Cub Scouter." Needless to say, Scouter was devastated. His free will had been destroyed in a minute - and his sire's puns were more brutal than ever. He silently acknowleded this. Dart, however, didn't appear to care either way. Rainsong reminded the pained youth, "My cubs and I are staying behind. Don't feel all that bad," she suggested. But it was too late. Rainsong's family included one of the strangest Wolfrider females of all time - snd that was a HARD record to set - Newstar. Wisely, Scouter did not anticipate that they would get along. -- Chapter Four: It Takes More Than a Village (Feeling Lost?) -- Conforming once again to the time schedules of humans, the six visiting elves spent the night in Nonna and Adar's house. During their stay, something completely expected happened: Skywise came on to Hoodbearer. With a cool wind making its way through the Weird Wildlife Woods, everything seemed normal and happy. This was the first time since TAL 2: Chapter One that the travelers had a chance to relax. But since Skywise insisted on being a twit, he simply had to visit the human-raised elf as she went outside for a drink. "/So, what's your sign?\" the stargazer asked in somewhat accented Human. He longingly watched as she finished hoisting a bucket of water out of her adoptive parents' well, but he was a bit taken aback when she set it down and smacked him across the face. Now that Skywise was in his rightful position - sprawled out on the ground - Hoodbearer gruffly replied, "/You wanna know? Yield.\" The joke went straight over Skywise's head. "/What?\" he foolishly asked. Gazing down at him like a vulture, Hoodbearer continued, "/Unless you can find a red diamond, forget it. I don't particularily like people who sneak up on me.\" Warily, Skywise stood up. Now he knew what he was doing. "/Is this some sort of rejection? I am not easily put down, Hoodbearer,\" he told her, trying to appear relaxed. She kept staring at him. "/Do I have to slap you again?\" she declared. "/Maybe. I've experienced worse,\" the stargazer confessed. He shrugged and began to walk away. Hoodbearer thought. Leaving her bucket by the well, she followed after him and clenched his left hand. *** A mile above the swamp, the thunder exploded again. Down on the World of Two Moons, Choplicker gave an oddly nervous yelp. "Calm down, wolf-friend," Ember reminded him, "We didn't bring any metal along, so we'll be fine..." The other party members were equally bold. Rain, for one, almost burst out singing as he announced, "Don't you love the desert? I say, it's so relaxing! No more forest allergies." He had long since discarded his Sun Folk-given parasol, and didn't mind the fact that he could get very sick at any moment. Nightfall, being one who stood in the middle, reminded Redlance, "Yes, I know he should have remained dead. And yes, I know you loathe him. But there's nothing we can do about it, right? That is correct, lovemate, yes?" Scowling, she was grabbing him by the right arm AND ear as they rode along. "I don't care if I have to break Timmorn's Code of Wolfrider Conduct," Redlance complained, "Rain has taken advantage of us - and especially me - far too often. He will die, I swear it! Hopefully in a violent way! And then... I get to reveal his little secret!" the tree-shaper hissed. His sanity was seriously slipping this time. Then and there, Suntop stopped in his tracks. He turned to the group, and over the pounding thunder, asked, "Does anyone know where we're going?" All heads shook no. *** "/I have detected some irregularities in the squirrel spirits,\" Nonna told the others at breakfast. At the very mention of the word "squirrel," all seven elves turned toward the human. They were not happy. Foxfur was worst of all, and she grunted, "She BETTER not be sending us against them." Though still holding her spoon aloft, Stormie whispered, "Doubt it. Human psychology isn't that twisted." She took another bite of the cold cereal. Still folding her arms in indignation, Foxfur muttered, "No matter." Being a typical human, Nonna was ready to freak out. "/Oh, good spirits, I was merely referring to the giant squirrels that inhabit these woods! You have met them, have you not?\" she asked worriedly. "/Yes, I believe we might have,\" uttered Cutter, with a great deal of sarcasm. Now that the coast was clear, Nonna continued, "/Then you will know what I'm talking about. They have not eaten from our feeders since you've come. I fear it is a sign that we are to move forward. Wouldn't you agree, Adar?\" she inquired of her husband. Unfortunately, he didn't understand any of this mysticism. "/Sounds good to me,\" he mumbled, still finishing his oatmeal. As an aside, Hoodbearer told Cutter, "/They've only grown nuttier since they adopted me. There's no telling what their plan is. I suggest we leave first!\" She was not terribly happy after her encounter with Skywise, and the two of them were at opposite ends of the table. Dobil asked, from out of nowhere, "But where would you move forward to?" The only one who could answer that was Nonna. She stated, after a minute of delay, "/Why, we will be off to Adar's old village. They're the Ahon G'yat Hso. [Yes, that is a spoonerism on the Hoan G'tay Sho from the real _Elfquest_ books.] Seems that's the place to be if you're a squirrel.\" She shrugged and finished her cup of water. As if to offer foreshadowing, Adar moaned. *** Strongbow stood before the cliffs on the edge of the swamp. **Now this is suffering,** he mentally exclaimed. He was ready to climb up to reach the other side. Meanwhile, Ember and Quickblade were happily exploring the area. Not quite a troublemaker at heart, Ember was a bit slow at times. She pointed out something that, to her, was in the distance. "Look over there! Now, what is that?" she asked the rapidly departing Quickblade. Her brother laughed mercilessly as he strode away. "Those are two old, incompetent elves, if you ask me. Now I shall pull off my next big joke," he reported from afar. As Ember scampered off to tell her mother, Quickblade got ready to humiliate this duo. "Good evening," he said offhandedly, "How are you gentle-elves? You may know me as Quickblade, the potential Blood of Eleven Chiefs [Only if Ember AND Suntop die.], and the unofficial elf about town in Sorrow's End." One of the old elves, who seemed a bit deformed, said to the other, "What'd he say? What is going on here, Jhorof?" The elf called Jhorof replied, "Well, Osek, it appears that we have a visitor. I will welcome him, if you are too preoccupied. How do you do, friend? I suppose that you caught our names..." Jhorof said innocently. Quickblade smirked. "Indeed, I did. Now, what might two old elves be doing here, in this wasteland, all by themselves? It seems peculiar to my mind," he convincingly stated. All the while, he was preparing his mango launcher behind his back. "Well... I can't really explain it..." murmured Osek. Jhorof filled in for the absent-minded one, "Oh, that's perfectly all right. But we do have very long stories. As for myself, oh, it's an odd one. One might call me an anomaly among the Sun Folk- - -" His sentence came to a halt when he saw a very ripe mango flying right at him. As the disgusting fruit splattered over Jhorof and Osek, Leetah, Ember, and Suntop rushed up to Quickblade. The youth's mother scolded him, "That was completely uncalled for! Quickblade, you are going to clean this up, and apologize to these elves!" she ordered the cub. "Yeah, Quickblade. This had better be your last prank," said Suntop and Ember at once. They ran back towards the main group, leaving their brother to his agonizing task. Over the next few minutes, Leetah made a great many apologies, while Quickblade wiped off the mango goop. He had nothing to say to this dirty duo. But he would get revenge, with an even nastier prank... *** The village of the Ahon G'yat Hso drew near. Its alabaster huts were dimmed by human tears, for it was more messed up than even the strangest elf holts/villages. "/Have I told you why I hate humans lately?\" asked Foxfur, glancing over at Hoodbearer. The human-raised elf replied, "/Yes, but you're going to tell us anyway, unless I am mistaken.\" She knew all about the other six - and she found five of them (including Woodlock!) fascinating. Foxfur was a tad bitter and extreme in her eyes, but that was better than the lechery of Skywise. Unmoved, Foxfur continued, "/It's because they are ugly, prejudiced, stupid, violent, prone to drunkenness, immoral, outdated, and weird. And I don't like their language. Need I say more?\" Fortunately, Adar had not been listening too intently. He interrupted them, "/Quiet! We're almost at the village. Let us take it from here.\" With Nonna, he went from the wooded area into the fields that marked the town's limits. The elves watched their human "allies" from behind a cluster of trees. After being rudely greeted by the bored villagers, Nonna and Adar received the official greeting, by an ugly hag that vaguely resembled a human female. The trollish being, barely able to stand, screamed, "/Augh! You, woman, are eeeevil! You claim to come from the town of Phiavo - now prove it! Take your wings and flap, flap, flap away! Or should I mention that you drove Selah, the chief's daughter, into madness? Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!\" Thinking on her feet, Nonna got a wicked idea. She took a few carefully calculated steps, and laughing quietly, she pushed the Bone Woman over with a simple nudge. "/Doooooh!\" shouted the Bone Woman in her remarkably whiny voice, "/I have fallen down, and I ain't gettin' up!\" She thrashed about for a moment, but to no avail. After Nonna and Adar quickly consulted their plans on "how to make a good first impression," the chief of the Ahon G'yat Hso appeared. He was Olbar the Mountain-Tall, or The Mountainous, or even The Rock-Headed. This large and imposing male declared, "/Look, I don't care about Bone Lady here. What I want is justice, plain and simple. Now, if everyone here will come into our brand new court-hut, including whatever spirits are out there, we shall see what is going on here.\" He quickly left the scene. Back within the woods, the elves just stared at each other. Noticing that their "favorite" humans were following orders, they didn't quite know how to react. Dobil spoke up, "You mean we have to go to trial?" "It appears that the quest has become much more interesting," Woodlock commented, at a loss for any other words. -- [To be concluded in the next installment...] This compilation was created, by Alan (John Alan Riggs), on February 17, 1999. Please refer to my other pages for legal disclaimers. -Alan