"Hello?" Cutter asked, walking up to the pedestal where Voll was, waving his right hand, "Anybody there? I'm talking to you."
Sidling up the stairs that linked the throne room to the dungeon, Winnowill appeared, dressed in an elegant green-lined robe. With the anti-healer was her lackey Tyldak, who, though he had been shaped to fly, looked a bit overweight. Calmly looking over the Wolfriders, Winnowill said, "I am terribly afraid that Voll is having trouble understanding you. But fear not, he will awaken shortly." An audible zap! was heard by all who stood there. When Cutter and the Wolfriders realized that Voll had just woken up with a start, they became slightly suspicious of Winnowill and her friend.
"!Caramba!" Voll explained, but upon seeing his surroundings and his awaiting audience, he reverted back to the common elven tongue. "Good day. If... I may ask, what do you want? And is it Windkid's fault?" he asked, staring at the Glider Mads, expecting an answer.
As becoming his habit - not that he wore one - Tyldak coughed abruptly. He hemmed and hawed for a few more seconds, and then dryly stated, "Nothing more than the usual, Voll. However, two members of the foreign tribe, the ones that stand before you, are being held captive at this time. Their crime is shooting Windkid's bond-bird Obob. We are gathered here today to discuss the question of what shall be the proper punishment."
Cutter, who had been left like a statue only two Elf-Widths in front of Voll, began to worry. Though he wondered if he were interrupting, Cutter said, "Sorry to ask a question at this time... but shouldn't we not assume that Strongbow is guilty?" Feeling unusually meek, Cutter took a few steps backwards on his heels.
Again sidling at an alarming speed, Winnowill walked right through the crowd of Wolfriders, up to Cutter, and caught him by the waist just as he was about to trip down the two stairs that marked Voll's pedestal. "Oh, we needn't worry about that, Cutter-dear. You just wait a few paragraphs, and we'll tell you exactly how this trial is going to go," she said softly, purring for him as she nuzzled in close.
Just as Leetah started to run toward the delinquent healer, Voll said loudly, "As I was about to say... how about a pleasant, friendly game of tal?" He looked out on the group - all had stopped mid-movement. The Gliders' leader hoped that this was a good sign.
Rain the healer suddenly jumped four times. "Sweetness!" he exclaimed, telling the others, "In my healer's pack, I brought my dice along. If you don't mind, I'd like to be the--" He was interrupted by Foxfur clamping her right hand over his mouth, and then, in SD-form, giving her hand signal of approval to Voll.
The CEO, standing proud and smiling, said, "Please note that I said 'tal,' not 'taal.' You'll find this to be nothing like your stick game. And we kindly ask you to play by our rules, or else... Tyldak, pull the curtain."
Taking his cue like a good boy, Tyldak pulled a cord that appeared just then, dangling from the low ceiling. A moment after he did that, the yellow backdrop behind Voll's throne went away, revealing a vast chamber of rotting corpses.
"How tacky," Cutter said, mumbling to himself.
***
After an hour or so, Redlance was up again, and though he had a bad limp in his left leg, he could walk. But right at the moment, he was standing still, and whispering, "Hold on a moment - I think we have another visitor." Looking like he could rip something apart, Redlance took a seat on the ground.
Neither One-Eye or Dobil moved for the next thirty seconds, which was a rather difficult task, for they were at work on trying to strangle each other. Just as the two separately collapsed to the ground, they saw their next mystery guest. It was yet another male elf - but certainly no ordinary one. This youth had a wild, disheveled appearance, for he was clad in zwoots' hair, DIP hides, and some stolen human rags. And he didn't look especially happy. **This could be a problem,** Redlance sent to One-Eye, **Let's wait and see what happens.**
Looking over the frightened trio, Starjumper thought, It's just as the Captive of Captives predicted. Most of the foolish elves have fallen into the pit, and these three are left. Well, it looks like it's up to me to take care of his business. Scampering forward by his hands and feet, the wild one howled, "Whooo yooooou? Want know!" Scratching his long mane of hair, he began to worry just where that exclamation had come from - how did I begin talking so strangely?
As the wild cub stood there, pondering his own existence, Dobil could not help but glomp unto One-Eye. The alleged Go-Back whispered in terror, "Oh, man, this is not good. Help me..."
"Harumph," grunted One-Eye in reply. He let Dobil cling to his right leg - it was better than having the idiot run into the humans' camp.
I don't know exactly what's going on here, Starjumper thought, a malicious smile on his face, But they should be easily controlled. All we need right now is the Monster of the Day, and everything will be peachy, he realized, surprised at his own ability to decipher the workings of the plot.
It was more than a coincidence that the monster showed up right then and there. From out of the depths of the Dreamberry Preserve(r)s came a large, ugly, slime-drooling, bipedal being that three of the four elves had seen before. It was... yet again... Madcoil. This time around, his head and eyes were covered by a shiny plate of metal, but besides that, he hadn't changed at all.
One-Eye's fists immediately clenched up, his muscles became tense, and his teeth ground together - the elf was definitely pissed. "No need for mercy - I'm angry!" he shouted, yanking out a short sword that he had stashed in his belt, and leaping toward the new-and-improved Madcoil.
Meanwhile, Redlance was in the middle of one of his patented panic attacks. Damn! he told himself, going through it all in his head, Where did my bow-and-arrow set go? I swear that I put it in my backpack - did I fall on it and break the thing? Maybe it dropped out of my pack... no, that's just plain goofy. It doesn't move on its own volition. Rummaging through his leather bag once more, Redlance threw out the rolls of toilet tissue, the distress-signal-sending cube, the life-size replica of Bearclaw's necklace, and the coil of coaxial cables. That done, he dug into the half-empty backpack, and after a nervous minute of sifting through the multiple layers of bubble wrap, he finally touched the cold wood of his bow. "Now... all I have to do is remember how to use it," he said quietly.
Dobil, forgetting the basic principles of acting, stood as stiff as a stiff. On the other hand, Starjumper made for himself a soft seat on the ground. He wanted to see the re-equipped Madcoil in action, and he made no attempt to conceal it, pulling out a bag of popcorn from subspace.
"Come on, Redlance!" One-Eye yelled at his fellow elf just as he dodged a swipe of the monster's hand, "I'm going to need a little help here! And if you don't, then just shut up and don't play." He snarled, and thrust his sword out in an attempt to hit Madcoil's midsection.
Fortunately, the tree-shaper was ready. "I'm here to help," he said bluntly, and aimed right at Madcoil's totally unprotected, bulging... throat. He shot the arrow, then turned away immediately, afraid that he would be splashed by blood.
One nervous moment passed. "Nice shot," said One-Eye, putting his sword back into place. He watched as the monster keeled over and hit the ground.
Now that the crisis had passed, Dobil finally fainted. However, Starjumper started clapping enthusiastically. "Yay! More! More!" he shouted with glee - and then he grimaced. Why did I say that? he asked himself.
"Harumph," One-Eye said again, "I suppose you want me to tell my story to you."
Starjumper gave an enthusiastic thumbs-up to the victorious one. As Redlance stood around, shaking his head in confusion, One-Eye began his monologue...
***
In Sorrow's End, things were getting a lot stranger. Not only had Newstar set fire to several huts and even caves, but Savah was still stuck on her long-distance sending. Both of these destructive events had driven a certain female Sun Folk over the edge.
Ahdri, after glancing up to the ceiling to make sure that her first on-screen shot would be a good one, knelt down by the stone bed that Savah had been placed upon, and cried waterfalls. "Bwaaa ha ha," she blubbered, "bwaaa ha ha ha haaa."
Standing but a single Elf-Width away, Sun-Toucher was on the opposite side of Savah's makeshift bed, and he was already beginning to explore her. "Oh, don't be silly now," he said in a deadpan voice, "You're not going to be the heroine of this series, much less a focal - if ditzy - character. On another subject, I have a feeling that if the plot is moving correctly, Savah will be back in action by the end of this book."
"Sorry," said Ahdri, still prostrate, "I just have to get in a few lines... edgewise. This'll make a big impression on the audience. Anyway... bwaaaa ha ha! bwaa ha ha..."
***
"You have been informed of the rules, Wolfriders," Voll said, letting the massive tome of regulations drop from his hands, "Now, let the GAME begin!" He smiled deliriously - as a Glider, it made him ecstatic to get others involved in the GAME.
One hand went up in the crowd of Wolfriders. It was Skywise, who was glad to still have two hands. He asked, innocently, "What is 'the GAME'?" The stargazer did not realize that Tyldak and Winnowill were trying not to snicker.
Unable to contain his excitement, Voll said loudly, "Everybody wants to play the GAME! It's the best form of amusement we have in Glue Fountain! Would you mind too much if we did a song-and-dance routine?" he asked sincerely, expecting the answer "no."
Before anyone else could reply, Stormie coughed. "I'm afraid that you won't have time for that. This chapter is overdue for release, plus it's getting a bit too long." Feeling a rush of power run through her, Stormie wanted, then and there, to be a real self-insertion character.
Voll, CEO of the Gliders, sighed. Sounding despondent, he said, "Very well then. Just get into positions, and try to remember the rules."
Within minutes, the Wolfriders managed to organize themselves. Cutter was the self-appointed Head Attacker, Skywise the Secondary Attacker, and Dewshine was the Backup Attacker by request. For their defense, they chose to have Treestump as the Head Defender, Nightfall the Secondary Defender, and Leetah as the Backup Defender. Pike had been chosen to be their Referee, for he was not easily manipulated to turn against his team. The Gliders were also ready. They had put Kureel and Reevol the elf as the Head and Secondary Attackers, Tyldak and Aroree as the Defenders, Voll in the Referee's chair, and a couple of no-name elves in the backup positions. [Author's Note: Yes, they did get names on that Gliders poster, but I don't have it.]
With a whistle from the two Referees, the game began. The players took positions on the life-size board, while Pike and Voll began to roll dice to determine which team had the initiative.
Voll stopped rolling in about a minute - he knew the rules a little too well. However, Pike kept going. Five minutes went by, and he was still at it. Right about then, Kureel remembered his prior obligation to visit the bathroom. He said to Pike, "Just how long are you going to take?" rather impatiently.
Not looking especially amused, Pike muttered, "A lot longer than it has to - if you keep on interrupting."
Stormbringer sat down on her square. In the Earth dimension, it was only 1982, but Stormie had a special author-granted gift to see a few things ahead of time. One of those "things" was the obscure and short-lived Elfquest Role-Playing Game, an artifact which would not appear for a few more years in the Earth dimension. For lack of a better contrivance, the idea of the game popped into Stormie's head Athena-style, and she applied this bizarre knowledge to Pike's anal-compulsive behavior. "Excuse me," she said, quietly but firmly, "I don't think Chaosium will call for the use of quite so many six-siders."
"What did I just say?" Pike said, looking a bit less happy, "Now let me finish! There's only twelve more modifiers that I have to take into effect." He scowled and looked back down at his dice.
Voll sighed. He did not care much for the sometimes over-complicated rules of the GAME, but he couldn't allow himself to lose power and let Winnowill interfere. That was her evil way: she also said, "Everybody wants to play the GAME," but she cared nothing for the purity of the GAME. Seeing how the Wolfriders' Referee was struggling, Voll suggested, "May I allow another Referee to stand by and help you, or--"
Pike had reached the end of his patience. He gritted his teeth until they were almost mush, and hit the ground before him, creating a "capow!" sound. He screamed, "Yes! Just go ahead. I don't play that. Farewell... you can all go to hell." Leaving the dice on the ground, Pike stomped away, heading toward the Geyser.
Shrugging nonchalantly, Rain took Pike's place. He glanced over the calculations that Pike had etched out in the ground, and his eyes popped open. Twitching with shock, the delinquent healer asked, "Can anyone here help me? I think Pike took the 'three times' rule literally... and this is just a little confusing..." Rain, in front of the tribe, passed out.
While Quickblade dragged Rain's body to Leetah, Pike grunted quietly. It's not fair to them that I have the record of winning four consecutive taal matches, that I taught the trolls all of Bearclaw's cheating techniques, that I revoked the ban of dreamberry alcohol at games, and that I taught my father everything I know, he said to himself.
Several more minutes later, the GAME began. Even after all this time, Strongbow and Moonshade were still arguing in their prison cell.
Cutter, who had the initiative, walked two steps forward. The next move was Reevol's, and that little-known elf sauntered right up to Cutter's flank. Then Kureel jumped in for a joint maneuver - which Voll swore was legal. "Great... what am I going to do?" Cutter asked of his tribe, hoping that they were listening. The two Gliders were in an attack position that he was sure would win the GAME for them.
"Counter attack! Strike them down!" shouted a mysterious voice - one coming from the ceiling. As everyone suddenly looked upwards, the unseen voice continued, "I'm coming your way... whoooah! AAAHHHH--"
Back to Welcome Page
Go on to Chapter 3: The Social Merry-Go-Round
This is a not-for-profit fan page, and is not affiliated with or sponsored by any person, company, or entity (with the exception of the webrings) mentioned within. Elfquest, its characters, and all indicia thereof are copyright 1978-1998 Warp Graphics. "The ElfQuiz Parody" is a satire thereof and should not be misconstrued as an actual work of Warp Graphics or its employees. This page was last updated, by John Alan Riggs, on September 15, 1998. Are we having fun yet?