Too much damn acne
Hey whats happenin... I have been so damn busy that I think it's been months since I put an entry in here. Anyhow, I am also looking pretty crappy because of some acne. And when I say some, I mean an assload. I can't figure out what I have been doing differently. My doctor thinks it's my hormones and he wants to cut my hormones back. We all know what that means for me--a 5 month period again. Well, no thanks. But I can't decide if I would rather suffer with this shit or suffer with that shit. Either way, it's shit, so who cares?!

I am getting ready to sell my house. Yeah, buying my house was nice, but it's in a rough neighborhood, and getting out of the city a little would be great. Anyone wanna buy a house. Oh, who am I kidding?! NO ONE READS MY JOURNAL! Why? Because I am a boring person. Okay, well, I guess this is just for me. Not sure what good that does...

Life Lesson?
Well, here I am on a gloomy Saturday writing in my blurty at work... ho-hum. But I went to see my therapist yesterday and I informed her of some of the changes in my life. Jenny and I have been doing very well. I have managed to get over that 6-month hump, you know, the one that makes you feel like running each time the person you love does something to make you skittish. Jenny hates her job but just got an offer for something totally new and exciting, and she's of course scared to death. So during the last six months while she's been hating her job, much of it has been spent off on worker's compensation, recovering from carpal tunnel surgery for both hands and just getting to spend tons of time together. Here's where the wanting to run part comes in. I do love Jenny but we have spent so much time together that I miss her a lot when we're not together. I have to talk myself out of getting all clingy or attached because "what if she leaves?" See the dilemma?

Jenny went to the session with me yesterday and it was great to be with her. She had to work (she works 2nd shift) so we had to be back to her house by 2:30 so she could get ready for work, and I was totally depressed when I had to come home alone. So before I left her house I asked her to move in with me... that is, if she accepts this job, which is closer to my house than it is to hers (she's living with her mom at the moment). I'm not sure what she'll do. My parents don't know that I asked her to move in. I don't know if she's told her mom yet. She probably has. They're spending the day together today.

Hmmm... did I do the right thing? The guy that desperately wants to run (RUN! Run like the wind!) isn't so sure about it. I'm working hard to beat that guy back with clubs and large broom handles. He's ruining this beautiful moment.

But there are some things that could be looking up for me. I got approval for SRS quite some time ago, and for the last year or so it's been a wild ride to the top of my game, at least from the standpoint that I have a decent job, I still have my house, and I'm in love. But without Jenny SRS can't happen. I'll explain:

The option to get Blue Cross/Blue Shield insurance is there for me--for a fee. And it's quite the fee. I simply cannot get it on my own; not right now. My job doesn't pay enough and this job doesn't leave a lot of room for a second job, since my schedule is often interrupted by people who call off work or who just don't show up. I don't have a lot of time for Jenny or even for me, let alone for another job. So I rely on her income for some small things, like groceries now and then and a few of the smaller household bills. Now she's possibly taking this other job at a 5 dollar an hour pay cut (1st shift, creative, grown up job in an office) and her finances will plummet. This also means mine will, and I may have to try to get a second job. I'm considering working at a gas station for 10 hours a week or so to make up the difference and help us to survive. I don't want her to live outside my home and still pay for crap. She bought me new work shoes Thursday. How unfair of me to let her do these things when she doesn't even live with me!!!

Anyway, back to the insurance. They cover SRS. I could be done with my transition in less than a year. So why am I not excited about this? It would mean a life of freedom. We could get married. I really want to be with her. She's good for me. I love her. So why is this so hard? Why am I being so typically man right now??? We've come to a crossroads. I no longer feel my life on the plateau but about to rise above my expectations, and Jenny's is doing the same. Am I simply afraid that she'll think I'm using her and leave me alone again? Am I afraid she'll fall for someone at work? Why in the world am I feeling so insecure?

I hate the way change makes me feel. I always talk about how changes in my life have been a welcome thing, and I got another injection this morning--I was supposed to get it last night but I went to bed early and forgot. Now is the time when I should be strong for her while her life changes. She's so frightened that everything will crumble before her eyes and she'll end up hating where she is again. I don't want her to fall, and I'll be there to catch her. So the last thing I need in the world is to watch my world disintegrate while she's coming into success. I'd not only be a jealous jerk but I'd lose all my trust from her, and that's not what I want either.

So I guess I know what I really have to do. I have to go out and get that second job and hope and pray that she's happy with me after all of this is over. Because I don't want to lose what I've waited so long to find. I don't think I could endure another life lesson like that.

Death
My aunt passed away last week. My family is mourning the loss of a 48 year-old, extremely active and seemingly healthy, vital woman, to Burkitt's Leukemia. I am confused over the feelings I have about this. I know how little faith I have found in religion. I know what being a Catholic meant to her and how she was hurt at the idea that I could not accept the teachings of such a condemning church, despite the love they preach. I don't want to know what death is like because in order to know you must encounter it and even those who come back from it are explained away as hallucinations. I'm beside myself and uneasy about what will happen within my family, which is suffering at the loss of the 3rd family member on my dad's side in 2 years.

I'm working and making money and going broke trying to fix my house, which was a mistake to buy. I'm thinking of selling soon... perhaps after the holidays I'll put it on the market. Anyone wanna buy my house?

Sore hands
Okay, you dirty minded people... keep your minds out of the gutter. My hands are sore because I've taken up the guitar. I didn't realize how sore my fingers would get. But I'm doing okay. I hope to be pretty good by Christmas so that I can learn and strum out a few songs at the family gatherings. Plus, I want to be able to play to my Jenny, because well, chicks dig a guy who is musically inclined. Hehehe...

I'm getting my voice back and I'm figuring out where my range is. I hope to be able to play a lot of covers like the Eagles, the Beatles, John Mayer, Dave Matthews, Steve Miller, and others. I'm excited at the prospect of being able to play guitar and maybe someday teach my kids how to play.

It's rainy and cold here today. But at least it isn't snow!

Current Mood: artistic
Current Music: oldies--Lynn Anderson, Rose Garden

Spring cleaning
Spring is on its way and I am hoping for the opportunity to do a little spring cleaning--I need to go through all my crap and unload some of the outdated resources in my files. My taxes came back and I got a return of over $1000 so that was pretty sweet, but that money is almost completely gone now. With having to get new tires for my car (they're as bald as an eagle!), all the stuff for my house, paying some bills ahead of time with my newfound wealth, and paying off my grandma the last bit of cash I owe her from borrowing for my surgery, I will be caught up but no longer have expendable income. Oh, well. That's what it's there for, right?! To spend.

I'm getting ready to be a part of the Day of Silence event again this year. It's on April 13th. I'm excited. There are so many great young people at this event and I get to talk to many of them. It's really a big party, since it's the Breaking The Silence rally that I'll be at. WOOOHOOO!

Okay, I'm at work and exhausted. I've been here since 5AM. It's 315PM now and I have to be here til 7PM. Good thing I like what I do or I'd quit this job faster than you can say early retirement. Anyhow, off I go to do another boring patrol. Yippeee... ugh.

Until next time.

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Only the dinging of the motion sensors. So annoying!

TGMI Board
As of February 26th I am one of the newest members of the Board of Directors of TransGender Michigan. I'm already deep in the thought processes of what kinds of things I can offer to the organization. I'm looking forward to having a good time with this.

I am at work so I shouldn't stay long, but I wanted to put in a journal entry to remind myself of that great day! Later...

Sickness, surges, and snow
Where shall I begin? Jenny is sick--she's got a very bad upper respiratory infection and is miserable. My computer blew up from a power surge, and I got a used one from Jenny's grandma that doesn't work right either. It hasn't snowed massively here in a while but the snow we do get is accompanied by bitter cold. It's gloomy and freezing ass cold out and I'm annoyed with it.

I feel like I have lost touch with my journal writing. I've spent a lot of my time and energy on writing my book, which is going really well. But it's been a struggle to have the energy to do much of anything with myself these days. I have a girlfriend who takes such good care of me that I get into a rut. I don't want to have that happen. She deserves better than that.

I'll go for now. I have some paperwork to finish up. I hope to catch up soon--in this journal and in life.

Different world now
My, my, it's been too long since my last entry. Things are so new it's like I'm living in a different world now.

I'm healing well from my surgery. As of today it's been 100 days since it was done. I'm getting feeling back in my nipples, which they said might not happen, so I'm happy about that. I've still got almost no sensation in the right side at all, but it's coming back. I get pins and needles--actually more like knives--every now and then, letting me know the nerves are waking up. All in all, it's going well.

I'm seeing Jen exclusively and it's great. She's amazing. I never could have dreamed it would turn out this good. And when we're together, I don't think about Casey. When I wake up in the morning Jen is the first person I think about. Every now and then, Casey slips in there, just as a little reminder of how things used to be. Perhaps she'll always be there; I don't know. But it's not like it was before. I've fallen in love again, and it couldn't be better if I had molded it myself from clay.

It's bizarre... I never thought I'd be in this position again. And I think this is one of the first journal entries I've had in a long, long time that is actually pleasant.

December already
It's December already and I have been so busy that everytime I think about writing an entry something happens and I am not able to do it.

I have been trying to get some stuff done in the last week that couldn't happen because I caught the flu. And even though I've been home for the last four days I am still not feeling all the way better. It's annoying as hell. I closed on the house on the 30th and I will start moving in soon. That certainly didn't seem like it was going to get done but it did. I am a home owner now. Unbelievable.

And I am in the midst of a crisis with two women who love me and I don't know how I feel. I've certainly never been in this position before and I'm clueless of how to handle it. Here's where I should be typical and go for the one who puts out or the hottest one or the one with the most money. But I'm not typical that way and I don't want to hurt either one of them. Most of all I don't want to get hurt myself.

I suppose we will have to wait and see what I finally decide before making any conclusions.

Okay, I'm going to go now. I know it's been a really long time but I'm still not feeling well so I think I'll lay down. Peace.

Scabs
Gross title, huh?! I thought it was appropriate, since that's pretty much what I am made of these days. I am recovering nicely from surgery and I have to go back on the 11th for a check-up. In the meantime I am trying to get over the supersensitivity of my chest and under-arms. It's like it's on fire sometimes, and although I have been told that is perfectly normal, I sometimes feel like complete hell because of that.

Last night I slept well for a change. These last few days have been a crap-fest, with 2 or 3 hours of sleep each night. I have only one conclusion--vacation messed me up. I got used to staying up late and sleeping til 10AM. That's successfully screwed me over and now I have to get back into the swing of life-as-we-know-it. The night before last was okay, too. I went to bed at about 7:30PM after taking a sleeping pill. I slept all night... finally.

I changed my photo on here. I took the obviously old one out and so now an even newer-old one is in there. That photo is from New Year's Eve 2003-04. It's new but old. I'll download a new, new, new one soon. I have been working to update my site with info on my surgery but it's been a slow go. I don't seem to have a lot of time to do it these days. That's okay. I'm working at it.

Well, gotta go. Lots of work to do and no energy to get it done. It's drizzling out. Ick...

Current Mood: working
Current Music: 4 non blondes

Hasn't sunk in yet
My chest reconstruction surgery is all over with and it hasn't sunk in yet--considering I am wearing an uncomfortable binder and swollen up. That's the most annoying part. I can handle the bruises. I can handle the soreness. I can handle the aches in my back from having to sleep a little funny. But the swelling is uncomfortable and I wish it would go down. It's going down slowly but I'm becoming impatient.

Okay, so it's only been six days. So what?!

I'll quit complaining. I have to go to a birthday party today so I have to go. In the meantime check my home page for updates and a daily journal of my rcovery. https://members.tripod.com/ericfleming_1.

$$$$$$$
I have no money--for the first time on a year. I shelled out another $500 today toward my house. MAN! This whole thing is turning into such a pain in my ass!!!!!

This will be short but sweet. I'm broke. Bummer.

I'll write more again soon. In the meantime, donations are welcome! Please!

Later...

Update to yesterday's journal
You're reading the journal of the world's newest home owner! The seller of the house I want accepted my offer and is working to get an inspection of the furnace as I write! I am happy, of course, and I will sleep really well tonight.

I have the support group tonight, and I get to share that with my friends. It's going to be nice to have the group tonight. I have so many things to share.

Okay, I'm going to go now. Later...

Current Mood: thankful
Current Music: If This is Love by Deana Carter (hubba-hubba)

Just when things start to pick up...
Well, I met someone. And it's going in the right direction. She knows about me and is supportive and wants to get to know me better.

And then the person I REALLY wanted to meet wants nothing to do with me. She said I am insecure. Well I wasn't til she said something!!! Now I'm carrying this fear that the other girl thinks I'm insecure. I don't want to come across that way at all. That's a recipe for disaster.

This girl's name is Jenny, and we had the best conversation last night. We talked for like 5 hours on the phone and it seemed like no time went by at all. She wants to come to the support group with me some time, she wants to meet my family--it's like she's too good to be true. And perhaps that's where my insecurity really shows. Perhaps I AM the one with the issues and not everyone else. (And all this time I thought it was the rest of the world!)

Maybe I'm just being a little too nervous. She apparently seems to like me for who I am. If she didn't we wouldn't have talked like that last night. And it was SO NICE to have someone to share things like that with. To flirt with. To tell my family about. I feel comfortable with her and we will hopefully go out soon. She works 2nd shift so it's difficult to get our schedules together (she has weekends off and I don't, so challenges are ahead) but I am determined to at least be her friend!

On a bright note, the house I am waiting on has had the final counter offer made on it and now I am just awaiting their response. I will hopefully not be disappointed about this--if it doesn't happen I only have until the end of October to find a house and have it close, or I will need a 30 day extension on my pre-approval and that takes money I don't have. I am trying not to get my hopes up too high about the house so I can truly be excited if and when this does finally happen for me. I know my parents are already talking about the things I need and I don't even have the house yet. But I just have to keep stopping them and slowing them down, like a kid that insists on running in the halls or something. I find it funny...

I made the final payment on my surgery so that's actually happening! My mom can go with me and I am preparing for the trip. I have started to get my clothes together that I am going to need and am making the hotel reservation online tonight. My mother and I will be going to the store soon to stock up on the food we will be taking with us--juices, soups, drinking water (the last thing I need is diarrhea while I'm trying to recover). My dad can't decide if he wants to go with us or not but I'm sure he will make up his mind soon.

I have the support group tomorrow night and the youth group on Thursday. In the meantime I have tons of stuff to try to finish. It sometimes has been feeling like I have too much on my plate but now that I am not saving for the surgery and only for the trip I am feeling a lot more relieved. I can't believe it's actually going to happen! I've waited for so long.

Part of me wishes so badly that Casey could be here to see me now. I am so happy--something I never thought I would be without her. And I don't wish she was here so I can show off like HAHA, LOOK AT ME! It's more like to show her how much I have accomplished--with or without her doesn't matter. The fact that I did it is enough for me. If you're reading this Casey, thank you for all you did for me. You still have such a place in my heart, and that won't ever go away! I hope you're okay because I am for the first time since August 2003.

Wish me luck in the next few weeks. When I hear about the house I will update. Later...

Current Mood: relieved
Current Music: Corazonado... beautiful song

Waiting game
I made an offer on a house Friday night. It's really nice with all new paint throughout and all new carpet. Two story traditional style house built around 1940. It's really very nice. I'm now playing the waiting game, trying to be patient while I await the yes or no on whether the seller accepted my offer. It's a little unnerving but I am trying to hang in there.

I keep thinking about all the things that Casey is missing out on, but I have to work very hard to get her out of my mind and remove that thought process from my brain's procedures--because she is gone and she's not coming back. I dreamed about Casey all night last night. But I have a pretty good explanation as to why that is... I was getting pretty bored with working and sleeping and working and sleeping and blah, blah, blah. So I went on Cupid.com and joined up, thinking I might actually make friends with someone interesting. The next day after joining I got a message from someone telling me they were interested in talking to me. This is the weird part: I looked up her profile and you would swear from the girl's looks that she WAS Casey. It's uncanney and even more unnerving than the little waiting game I'm playing because just as soon as I get Casey out of my head, there she is staring me right in the eyes, making me lonely again.

Now I won't make the mistake of thinking that this girl is anything like Casey. Each person is an individual who deserves to be treated like one but I can't help but be afraid that this time it might turn out the same as it did before. I'm not really up for getting my heart broken. But that's jumping the gun a little--considering I haven't even spoken to her yet. We are e-mailing right now. She has a seemingly good personality and makes me smile when I see her e-mail in my inbox.

She is pretty and has a nice smile. She is intellectual and has a decent attitude about this whole thing, not expecting a miracle or perfection (God knows I'm not). But I want to have high hopes that I have at least met a good friend who I can hang out with on rainy days to ease the boredom. Best part--she lives in PORTAGE!!! Only minutes from my house. I am so happy to find someone with a sense of humor in this town!

For the longest time I thought Casey was the last person who would ever make me smile and I am sure that if I had been given the chance to reconcile we would be best friends. But that wasn't the case and I am left trying to put the pieces back together. This will hopefully help me to move on and get over the hump in this life of mine.

I am sure that my new friend won't be all too thrilled at being a rebound, and after over a year of separation one would hardly call her a rebound. But I haven't truly dated anyone since Casey and I split up and so she might feel that way. I suppose that if it does get to the point where we date one another I will have to explain my thoughts and feelings to her. I want to remain as open as possible to anything that might happen. Any surprises will be positive ones, I'm sure.

She doesn't know about my status. I will not make the mistake twice and hold it in. As fearful as I might be of losing someone I care about, it is so much more important to get it out there. But all risks aside I will hold it in until I know I can trust her. She seems nice enough but this is in the very early stages of friendship. I can't predict what she will do and so I won't try to. But when the time is right I will be honest about myself. I will know when that time comes.

In the meantime I will be her friend, make her laugh, and read her e-mails with all the gusto I can muster. Because I can honestly say that I am beginning to feel like my life is improving. It's taken a lot of sleepless nights and a whole lot of tears, but I am still alive, and I believe that says something about me!

Well, nice long journal entry. I feel better now that the thoughts are out of my mind. Cross your fingers that this house offer is accepted. I'm excited to know I might be a homeowner before 2005!

Later...

Current Mood: anxious
Current Music: VH1.com radio playing

Less than 30 days
Well, my surgery date is officially less than 30 days away. I am growing more and more anxious as the days fly by. I was hypnotized recently by my physician friend and she suspects that I might do well with that tactic for relaxation and energy-boosting. I was given a tape to use at home for the next month and I feel absolutely great when I'm done listening to it. It literally energizes me. I was awake much longer than I should have been that first night because I was so pepped up. But it wore off quickly the next day after I knew what was coming and how to handle it. It made me think so clearly because it helped me to get rid of the anxieties of the day, and I just felt like smiling. It's weird. I've never been the "happy" type. I get stressed easily. I might just stick with this throughout my life to help me to tap into my subconscious mind. (Dangerous territory)

I am going to go because I am at work, but I will write again soon. Later...

Current Mood: weird
Current Music: Swing--Smith Music Group

Another Thursday...
Well, another Thursday came and went, bringing with it a shot. Shot number 14 I believe. All I know is that my skin is getting tougher.

When I went to give myself the shot, I didn't really penetrate the top layer of skin the first time and just poked myself. OUCH! Then, like a dummy, I tried to push it in, like that was going to work! The good news is that I just stopped, collected myself, and did it again, this time successfully. The first poke didn't bleed until after the needle came out of the other hole. Don't ask me why...

I looked at a house yesterday. Can you say DUMP?! Damn, this place was so small inside that the ceilings were literally 7 feet. That's it. I felt like I was going to be crushed. I've heard of drop ceilings, but this house was ridiculous. Plus, they wanted $68,000 for it. No way. I decided that it's not the house for me. But I am going to be looking inside another one I am seriously interested in soon. I really like it. It's in Augusta. (in Michigan, of course. I was already informed that I "may not move more than an hour away".)

Okay, off I go. I'm at work--again. Later...

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Sheryl Crow--her first CD. Good stuff.

So many good things, I don't know where to start.
I suppose I will start at the beginning...

Wednesday evening I began talking to my parents about moving out. I know I want to move out, and I wanted to find a house. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to get one because of my poor credit history. Well--my worries are over. My credit is improved enough that I am in good standing and Wednesday night I was pre-approved for my first home loan. Now the hard part begins. I have begun making appointments to look at houses, and I am hopefully asking all the right questions.

Thursday was my only day off this week so I packed a whole bunch of crap into it. I went to a youth group meeting, I made a lot of phone calls, I touched base with my surgeon, with my lawyer, with various other people. In that period of time, I spoke with the people at my old high school and they had said they lost my school records. I had the key to unlock the mystery. They had the last name wrong. When I went to school my last name was hyphenated: Herman-Fleming. They were looking under Fleming, and naturally it isn't going to be there. So when I told them they not only remembered who I was, but proceeded to immediately locate my records. They then CHANGED THEM to reflect my new birth name and new birth sex. I am so happy about this. After a nearly two year battle with them, they realized that what they were asked to do was not against the law (like they claimed it was) and are doing the right thing. Finally... whew!

I spoke to the people at my surgeon's office who have been repeatedly faxing stuff for me and the fax was finally confirmed to be at my doctor's office. I spent Wednesday on hold with them, off and on, while they "Looked through piles of faxes" for my document. Well, we have it together, don't we? If we have to look through piles of faxes to find something when someone asks for it, perhaps it's time for a new system!

And, to top it all off, I am working today. Yippeeeee.

Not.

Okay, so yeah, I don't want to be at work. But I would rather be here than be... ummm... no place! I WOULD rather be at home. Damn.

Oh, well. Not a lot that can be done about it so I just have to get through the day and suck it up. Later.

Moving right along
My book is moving right along. I have been writing for most of the time I have been sitting here (working of course). I am hoping to have it done before the end of next year. I am contemplating whether or not to wait and include SRS stuff in it. Mostly because I know that will be a long way away. Of course, when I started writing it, I had no idea that "it" was even anything at all. Now I have this nice 150 plus page beginning that I think could make a really great paperback. I don't know. I haven't decided yet.

I get a shot tomorrow night. Thank god... I have been having what feels like hot flashes. Perhaps I should tell my doctor about that. I haven't been overly emotional or anything so my hormones are working. I was a bit moody the other day but I wasn't feeling well and my sleep schedule hasn't been anything to brag about. I think I was just tired. I have to go for a blood test tomorrow anyway. Maybe that will tell me why.

I am going out tonight for FUN!!! I am excited. I haven't been out for fun in weeks. What can I say? My life is boring.

Okay, gonna go now. Later...

Surgery and Christmas
I have begun the planning process for my surgery. I need someone to come with me--I hope it can be my mom and dad, but if it can't I think I might ask my aunt Nancy. She's been really supportive and she's a mom, so she knows what to do in case I need something. Plus, my parents can trust her. My mom is very worried that she won't be able to go and it's giving her issues.

I am getting ready to pay the last bit on the surgery cost and I have made an appointment for my physical, which the surgeon requires. I hope it doesn't turn out bad. I need this. Plus, I will be having blood work in a week. It's a little sooner than they require, but they'll just have to live with it. I can't get in there any sooner or later for that. I think I will write them an e-mail when I get done with this entry.

Christmas is a big deal for my family, and even though it is only August, my mom has begun planning the family Christmas party. My family is enormous, and the party usually includes somewhere between 80 and 100 people. I have agreed to play Santa Claus this year--interesting. I hope I am going to be able to tolerate it. I will have my little 2nd cousins and my nephews on my lap. My mom wants my cousin Kate to dress up like an elf. I don't know if she'll succeed but either way I am going to be the jolly old elf. I suppose it will be fun. I haven't worn a costume and acted in a couple of years.

Speaking of acting, I am hoping that after I am pretty well healed up I will be able to do a show or two. I think I need it. It's been a long time but I personally believe that you never really lose your touch. Plus, I don't mean to toot my own horn (DA-DA-DAHHHHH) but I have never done a show that I haven't had a major role. I've acted in over 20 shows and directed 3. It will be nice to get back into it. It's one of the only things I am really good at.

Well, off I go. The tornado sirens are going off--1st Saturday of the month--and I have to log it (Work, work, work). Later...

YIPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, it's official. My surgery will be paid off next month!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have $650 saved up right now. I get another paycheck on Friday, from which I will pool another $250. My parents are loaning me $1000 on Friday as well. This means that I will be able to get a $2000 foriegn draft. Translated, this equals roughly $2660 CAD. I will owe about another $700-900, give or take. In September I should be able to raise at least another $500 and my grandmother will be loaning me whatever I cannot get myself to pay it off. This shouldn't be more than another $500.

Without my parents loaning me money, I would be screwed.

I am looking so forward to October 12 that I almost can't stand it. Wish me luck.

Oh, shit
Today is a shitty day--literally. Our septic is backing up into the house through a pipe in the basement. We are 16 months overdue for the 2 year pumping and it's full to the top. Last night a lot of water came flying out of it and it appeared to be just water out of the washing machine. We thought the waste pipe was clogged and went to buy a power plumber (a can of spray that shoots out clogs). It didn't work. The stuff that came out today is shit water--and that was a whole lot of fun to clean up, let me tell you. I hope the smell is gone from the basement before tonight. My bedroom is down there. Ick.

Moving on: Okay, I have refilled and received a new bottle of T. I had .5cc left in the other bottle so I used it and .75cc of the other, giving myself 1.25 this time. I know it's more than I am supposed to have but it isn't a lot and it gets me back on schedule. I will use 1.25 next time, too, and that should make it just right.

I can almost grow a nice moustache now. My chin hairs come in at 5PM giving me a partial shadow and I pass every day. I am finally starting to be happy with this transition.

I paid another $1255 CAD on the bill for Dr. McLean. I should owe about $3250 CAD now. I haven't received the invoice yet but it will come soon. I hope to not have to borrow any money but I have a feeling I will have to. I have good family who will hopefully help me. I think I will ask my Uncle Dick. He's a great guy and has loaned to my parents in the past. I hope he will help me.

Well, gonna go eat. Until next time.

What a time it's been
Well, I took my tenth shot last Friday and I am feeling better about my transition. I am beginning to get hairs on my face that show up for five o'clock shadow. It's not much but it's something, and something is more than I had before--nothing. I just called to refill my prescription today. Shot eleven comes on July 16th.

I keep dreaming about Casey. I wish she would leave my head. But one of my coworkers got me talking about her the other day and she's been here ever since. Damn him. Oh, well, he meant no harm. God, I have GOT to get laid! It's starting to be like I was never with her. I don't have her photo in my wallet anymore. My ring is in a box. My website doesn't have her on it any longer. I am moving on--as difficult as it has been.

I have begun writing to people again. It's nice to have people to talk to.

Gave in...
Well, I gave in and plugged in my old computer so that I could get online. I got tired of not being able to enter in my journal. I find it helps me relax. Plus, I want to check out some things online... got some purchases I wanna make.

I gave myself what I believe is my ninth shot yesterday. My leg feels okay. But I have been battling this nasty bronchial thing... I cough all gaggy and it's starting to get on my nerves, so I spent my two days off this week in bed. I think that my leg doesn't hurt because I laid around all day yesterday.

I have the desire to begin dating again. I don't know how I'm going to do it but I hope to begin dating pretty aggressively soon. I'm getting bored here all by myself, and I'm not the type to get bored, so it must be pretty bad!

Hopefully I'll have a modem soon. In the meantime I am going to switch between computers for a while. Later...

Too long
Well, it certainly has been a long time since I entered a journal. But I have been working a lot and I haven't had a modem for quite a while. I am using mom's computer right now. For some reason the net keeps giving me error messages... no matter where I go. I think it's the shitty AOL my mom has but hey, its something.

Not much to update on. Still on the needle. Still working. Still no periods--sweet.

I'll write again soon with a real update. As soon as I get a modem this will be the very first thing I do.

Shot #5
Wow. I can't believe I missed an entry. However, work has been kind of crappy. I have been dealing with a lot of stupid people, and, well... we all know how stupid people can effect one's day. I got a shot on April 9th and was showed how to do it every step of the way. Today I gave myself a shot. I think I did pretty well. I will give myself the next shot without assistance.

I have a moustache that grows in after about 5 days now. I shave every day to avoid the "Shaggy from Scooby-Doo" look. Although I am having a good time taking T and getting a lot done in the community (Day Of Silence was FANTASTIC, btw) I am getting anxious again. I think it's just because it's been so long since I went out on a date.

I had a dream the other night about finally being ready to explore the realms of love again. I think I really am ready. The only problem is that I might be looking for someone who doesn't exist. I know that I need to wait a while yet. I have so much on my plate. But, damnit, I'm just so tired of being alone. Lots of people do this every day. I just hate the fact that I have to.

On a lighter note, I am getting ready to make another $1000 payment toward my surgery. Hopefully I will be making that payment soon and can be half-way done paying for it. October 12th is not that far away now.

3rd shot
Well, I got my third shot on Friday and it went well. I think it is my left glut muscle that is going to give me trouble so when I start giving myself shots--which should be soon--I will be glad to start in the thighs. I am seeing no more periods so far. Not since the last entry. Hopefully it will stay that way.

My T looked good. On the 245-839 scale of measuring I was at 545 from 421 on the Androgel, and that 545 count was with the half-dose of 100mg. Wow! What a difference a needle makes! My triglycerides were higher than normal though so I have to cut my carbs. OUCH! My favorite thing in the world to eat. Oh well. I will cut as much as I can.

Got a ton to do today but I will write more soon. Did a conference on Saturday so I will have to write about that. Until next time...

First full dose
Yesterday I received my first full 1cc dose of T. The shot hurt this time... the spot still hurts. I think the lady who gave me this shot wasn't as good at it as the first lady. Anyway, I am feeling good. I am, however, beginning to lose my hair. It was very slowly and mild at first but now it is thinning a lot on top and my pillow, comb, and the towel after a shower are all full of hair. I was a little upset at first but I have begun a regimen of Monoxodil and am hoping for it to help. It's only $15 for a month's supply. That's pretty good so I am confident that it can at least slow down the hair loss. Plus, it may speed up my facial hair growth... I need that. I am still not passing in some situations and that is embarassing.

I am in the middle of helping my sister to plan her wedding. I will be DJ'ing and so I have to work on getting the equipment reserved. We will be having an outdoor wedding here at my parents' house. I hope it will be nice for her. She deserves to have a nice wedding.

Well, I am going to go now. I have some things I should get done--like laundry. UGH...

What have I done with my life?
Tomorrow I will turn 26. I have been pondering the question of what exactly I have done with my life so far. I wonder how I will be in a year. I wonder if my family will still like me. I wonder if I will still be single. I wonder how often I will get to teach others about me and about LGBT issues.

I wonder if I will like me.

But that's a lot to think about this late at night--and this close to my birthday. I am only two and a half hours from aging another year. Did my mother ever have this in mind when I was born? When I turned three? When I turned sixteen?

I will think a lot tonight. I just hope it's about the good things I have done with my life so far.

Scheduled!
Well, the last few weeks have been crazy but I finally have it taken care of. Not only have I sold my equipment for $700 ($100 goes to my dad), but I got my taxes back--$1000 big ones. I have scheduled my top surgery. It is October 12. I will pay the $1600 US (about $2000 Canadian) and I will be well on my way. I am going to pay them at least $450 a month until it's paid off. The exchange rate is pretty good right now and if I have it paid off sooner than October and they have an opening I will move it up. I was so happy today that I think I'm radioactive now. I was glowing all day. It's been a good day today.

I wanted to share the news with Casey but I don't think she cares. Oh, well. I have lots of people to share it with. My parents have been awesome and my mom will be putting in for a couple of days off to take me over there... since I won't be able to get myself home afterward.

I am happy. I haven't been this happy about my transition in so long. 2004 is a whole new gig. I am freaking out. Just happy to be alive for a change. Here's to boobs... may they rest in peace!

Current Mood: ecstatic
Current Music: Keith Urban "Blue Jeans"

Oh, boy
Well... the 4th was a bit wacky and people probably think that I was on something. I went off a little there and I'm sorry. I suppose that since I haven't had hardly any sleep over the last three days I am going a little berzerk. I just can't seem to get some things out of my head.

My friend Jelene, whom I haven't seen since her wedding back in '01, has been on my mind lately. After I told her about my transition she walked away from our friendship. In junior high and high school we always had a strong bond as friends. I could tell when something was bothering her without even being near her. We had a way of speaking to one another without the traditional means. She has been at the top of my thought bin since Monday and it is driving me crazy. I wish I could contact her. I wrote her a letter last night but I don't think I will send it. It might hurt her and that's not what I want. All I ever wanted was to be loved, and she was probably the best friend I had in school. I have already done enough to hurt her. I couldn't do that again. I just wish I knew another way.

I am freezing cold right now. The basement is frigid and my toes are numb so I am going to go. I'm sorry about the last journal entry. I have been stressing but I am sure I'll get through it.

Current Mood: exhausted

Depo-bound
Had a good day yesterday... got my prescrip for Depo. Going to take it to a new doctor here in my town and see if he will monitor and prescribe further. Everyone cross your fingers.

I am looking forward to a new chapter finally beginning in my transition. My whole life was flipped upside down and turned inside out when Casey left me behind. I have to fight the urges to contact her on a daily basis. I cried myself to sleep the other night because sometimes it is just so damn hard to be without her. But I just have to push all those feelings down inside--something I wished I would never have to do again. Casey--if you're reading this--thanks for fucking everything up for me that way. I'll never forget how you called me at WORK to tell me you didn't love me anymore. I'm not bitter. I'm just really fucking angry still. Sorry if I offend anyone. I'll just need to learn to control myself when it comes to my own feelings, won't I?

I am not new. I am old and worn and tired. But in spite of everything you did to me I fight on. I fight on because you left me with no choice. So here I go kicking ass and leaving no paper trail behind me. Depo or no depo I fight on.

Current Mood: pissed off

A Bust
Well, I'm not very happy about my experience with Dr. C.V. He said no to treating me and RE-referred me to U of M. I'm still go to see Dr. Rodgers on Tuesday and I plan to keep that appointment. It isn't that Dr. C.V. wasn't nice... he just kept interrupting me and saying that "it's a team thing" and he "doesn't want to handle 'that type of thing'" on his own. I have once again become "that type of thing". It's disappointing but it's okay. Either way I am not going to let it get me down. I will do whatever is necessary to make this happen, even if it means getting a new PCP.

Our meeting was moved from last Tuesday to the next day. The snow we got here has blown and drifted to more than 2 feet in some places. Our actual snow fall where I live was almost 14 inches in about two days. Not bad for January. We usually get that much snow anyway, so it's not like I'm not used to it. After all, I have lived in Michigan my whole life.

Gonna go now. Got lots of laundry to do but I'll update again after Tuesday. Later...

Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: Keith Urban's new song is in my head... but I like it.

Marty's doing great!
Marty called me today... he had his chest reconstruction surgery and is doing great! He's a little sore but otherwise is ok. We are all looking forward to seeing him on the 27th at the next support group meeting.

I am making it through the next few days... I am anxious to go to my appointment with my endo. It's like I felt when I first began to transition. Anyway I have tons of things i need to talk to him about and hopefully I will be in the position to start T from him that DAY!

Cross your fingers for me. Gotta go. Too much to do and not enough time to do it in.

Current Mood: anxious
Current Music: American Idol... man are they awful!

Over the river and through the woods
I had an appointment with my primary doctor here in town on Thursday and he AGREED with me that it's time to try something new. So I have an appointment with an endo on the 28th! Yeah for me. I'm feeling really good about it.

Well, I drove the 2 hours to see my therapist on Friday and my RLE is officially over. I have done everything required of me and then some. Now it's just a matter of time. When it comes to getting my SRS, I will just have to contact her (if I am not still her client) and get my letter. She said I have the program's support.

Where would I be without them? Who knows... does it matter? Nope. Things are picking up speed. FINALLY! After a year of struggles.

Current Mood: rushed

Happy New Year
Happy New Year--here's hoping that it brings to my life chest reconstruction and a chance to be with my baby again. I spent New Year's Eve getting yelled at by lesbians... not that all of them were bad. It was just a little much when I got a note handed to me about how sucky a DJ I was. Well, you can't please everyone, and some of them were upset when I didn't play their requests. I literally got 110 requests that night. How in the world can I play all of them?

Anyhow, now that NYE is over and 2004 has begun I am ready for the new year to be one of growth, learning, and a possible career move. Because of the pertussis I caught I was never able to get to WMU, and it's a good thing I didn't. If I had I may have missed out on a great opportunity. I am applying for a 911 Dispatcher job. I think it will be so fun, and definitely a move toward what I am studying--Emergency Management. I love working in fast paced environments, and that is definitely one of them. So wish me luck, friends.

I am waiting for a confirmation of a possible raise. I was the only one at my work who didn't get one. I make 3 bucks more an hour than they do but that shouldn't disqualify me if the whole account gets 25 cents more an hour. I don't know the law, though, and so maybe it does. I plan to speak to my HR rep Monday (although he often can't tell his ass from a hole in the ground). I hope he'll at least attempt to find out why I was not included.

I am anxious to see Casey again, but I think she is stalling. I don't understand her anymore. I feel like I don't know her. I want to. I want to kiss her and hold her in my arms and tell her that I love her. I want to protect her and make her feel loved. I have unconditional love for her and she acts like she doesn't want it. But unconditional love doesn't get given based on how much a person deserves it. It is given based on the fact that it is unconditional--and so there are no strings attached, no buttons to push, and no games to play to get it. Life can be so confusing.

I had a nice time on NYE, in spite of all the angry lesbians, and I hope to possibly do it all again next year... on the condition that I get to use my own equipment (if I still have it). The rental equipment skipped almost every CD I put in. It was a nightmare that I am glad is over. I wore a tux, got to spend SOME time with my date, and stood up ALL NIGHT LONG. All in all, an okay time.

A toast to 2004: May the year be filled with saved cash... Salud!

Current Mood: hopeful

It's almost over
Christmas is over and the new year celebrations are soon to begin. I am hoping for a new years resolution to change to depo, to lose 10 pounds, and to save enough money for my surgery by July 1. I am hoping for a good turn around with Casey. On Christmas I spoke with her--very early in the morning--and I asked her to go out with me one more time. I know that I need the opportunity to try and see if she can love me again. If I don't get that chance, it won't ever leave my mind and I'll be miserable for the rest of my life. I can't stand the idea of wondering forever if it could have turned out differently. We haven't set up a date but it doesn't seem like she is going to change her mind about seeing me this time. I won't have too high of an expectation for anything because I know as soon as I do I will be disappointed. So even though that might upset her, she can't really expect me to just continue to trust her after what she did to me... can she? I don't know...

Anyway, I didn't get a lot for Christmas but what I did get was enough. Some jeans, which I needed; a couple of gift cards; a scarf and glove set. I just ordered a great John Mayer T shirt for myself as a sort of gift to me from me. To see the shirt or order some of your own go to www.johnmayer.com and click on the link for their store. I ordered the one that looks like the Back to the Future logo. I thought it was cool.

I spent Christmas evening by myself. My uncle has cancer and he will be having surgery next week. Having had pertussis I was made to stay home from the family gathering--I don't want to screw up his chances to have a successful surgery. He has brain cancer and will be getting one of those new radiation discs placed into his skull. We are all hopeful that he will do well and have a speedy recovery.

Spending Christmas alone really wasn't all that bad, I guess. Although there wasn't anything on TV... never is.

Well, I think that's all for now. I have some places I wanna go on the net and if I don't stay active on here I lose my connection. Hope everyone's holidays were grand and I will write more soon.

Current Mood: okay

Getting better and hoping...
Well, it's been a couple of days since I got on here last and I finally went back to work today. I needed to finally get out of the house and my fever broke yesterday... for the first time since last Thursday. What a miserable experience the last week has been. However, I am getting better and hoping to be fully recovered by Christmas morning. I want to feel good when I watch my nephews open their presents.

I also want to get better so that I can go and take care of my stuff for WMU--or at least KVCC. It is frustrating. I am taking college courses right now and I have passed and been certified in 9 of them. However, I don't have the $60 each to get college credit, so I am only in the lower end of my scale as far as self-improvement is concerned. Plus, these courses are not related to getting a teacher certification but to Emergency Management, which is very cool and I like it. It's just not my first choice.

I am also looking forward to participating in more panels at the local colleges where I can share my story. I really really enjoyed the last one I went to and I am hoping for more to do in the future. If you've never been a part of that before and you're willing to share, it is worth the while. The few people whose interests are not piqued are not worth staying away from it.

Well, that's all for now I think. I have some things I want to catch up on and a TV show I wanna see. Hope everyone is well... see you all soon! Happy Hanukkah to all who celebrate!

Current Mood: hopeful

Yuck
Oh, what the last 6 days have brought to me has been the most awful experience of my recent life. I have been very sick, and not just flu sick. Pertussis--whooping cough--sick. It's terrible. I couldn't imagine having had this as a child. I am on so much medication right now that it's unreal. But I am slowly getting better and I am hoping to feel better this weekend so I can go back to work. No one knows how I caught it but that's not important. The important part is keeping the illness away from my nephews.

Because of the illness I didn't get to go to WMU. This knocked me down Thursday afternoon with 101.1 fever that lasted non-stop through yesterday afternoon. I am tired and dizzy so I am going back to sleep. Cross your fingers for me that I am better for Christmas.

Current Mood: sick

1 year already
It is so hard to believe it's been a year already. It seems like just yesterday that I was confessing my needs to my parents and taking that first dose. Now its been 365 doses of the life-juice (in gel form, of course). I should have some champagne or something to celebrate... diet 7Up... close enough. It has bubbles, it's clear, it's tingly on the tongue.

A year. I could get philosphical or think deeper thoughts than the oceans but instead I think I will leave it short and sweet.

HELL YEAH!

It's costing me an arm and a leg but I've done it. Damned be all the cynics that said I'd never last. Down with all the former friends that left me in the dust. Fuck off, my useless baggage. Sayonara.

I've done it and I will keep doing it until I have a full beard and my breasts are pecs and my hole is plugged. Goodnight, nurse.

Current Mood: satisfied
Current Music: Theme to Cops was playing on TV

Out damned spot...
I just don't know if I am making the right decision. I decided today that, since I saw an ad in the paper asking for teachers at a local private school--one which hires people based on their education and not on a "certificate" written on paper--I am quitting my job and I am going to be a teacher. I am going to WMU tomorrow and applying for acceptance. I am applying for the job at the school and I am going to get a student loan and financial aid. I am doing it tomorrow. I refuse to put it off anymore.

I already lost Casey... now I am losing myself and I am the one thing I thought I would never lose again. I don't want to live inside myself anymore. I don't want to reinvent me again.

The biggest fear I have is being in the hole again. I'm afraid I won't be able to pay my bills again. I already have bad credit. I don't need worse credit. But fears unfaced go unresolved and so I am not putting it off anymore. I am almost 26 years old. It's time I grew up.

Congratulate me... I am now the village idiot.

Current Mood: scared
Current Music: Just the voices in my head...

Nobody's business
This week has finally come to an end. It has really sucked. There have been some good things but all in all it hasn't been fun.

I think I may be on the verge of being outed at work. I am not looking forward to it. If that happens I will have to quit. There are no two ways about it. Those people have a level of trust in me, and this client is VERY particular about things. I won't say where I work but the company is closely related to a big cereal company. Big money often equals little support for employees, thus--no job protection for yours truly. But as far as I am concerned, that information about me is nobody's business.

If they really want to know and they ask me, I will be honest. I lied for so many years--I don't want to do it anymore and I refuse to be a punching bag. However, I have rights, and if this company tries to infringe upon those, I will fight back and do a little more than infringe on theirs.

I just put a new link in my homepage and ordered online a copy of Just Call Me Kade. I will donate it, as I do all my films and books, to the Kalamazoo Gay Lesbian Resource Center. If anyone is interested in viewing the tape they can contact them at www.kglrc.org.

Well gotta go. Have some work to do. Later all...

Current Mood: busy
Current Music: Run, Run, Rudolph

Single--and hating it
Anyone know a good way to get rid of that "single" feeling? I tried antacid but it just makes me feel worse...

I don't have Casey, I don't do well on dates, as proven by last Tuesday's disaster (not terrible but it might as well have been) and I have no money for Christmas. Life is not easy right now.

I can't believe it's December already. As of the 14th I will have been on T for 365 days and I have seen little to no success from the Androgel. I know that lots of people are in my same position. I have heard that it does not work. I have witnessed it personally and I am going to change doctors if mine won't go along with a change to injectable T. Frustration is running rampant in my blood right now.

I have had a hard two weeks. I am just looking forward to this year being over. As of January 13, I will have been full time male for my required year. I will be getting approvals for surgeries soon. Surgeries that I cannot afford.

I just have to stop writing and start figuring out a way to pay for all of this. Maybe I just have to give up my car. I will get a beater and save more money. I don't know. Life is falling apart--all for the sake of these medicines I pay through the fucking ass for and for surgeries my family doesn't want me to have. What the hell is in my head? I just want to feel normal. I am not sure if I ever will... I think I need to see my therapist again soon.

Current Mood: frustrated

Happy Thanksgiving
It's almost turkey day and I am exhausted. The trans group meeting went very well Tuesday night. In fact, I almost didn't want for it to end. But all good things must end, as they say, and we eventually had to go home. My date was okay, too. But she and I both know there wasn't a whole lot of chemistry--just a really good friendship that I hope sticks around for a long time to come.

I couldn't stop thinking about Casey all night. I missed her so much. Kayre is great! She's funny and sexy and spontaneous, but she is also in love with someone else. I hope there is a way that I can help to get my friends back together, or at least get them to be friends again. Last night wasn't the best for them. Her ex was there--which is great, because he needed to come back and see all his friends again. But it was hard for them to see each other after all they've been through. I'm trying to help in every way I can. I just hope that my friendship is enough for them.

I am going to bed now. I have to be up early because everyone is coming to the house tomorrow for dinner. Here's hoping everybody has a safe and happy Thanksgiving.

I am thankful for my family, for my friends and allies, for the war soon ending, for the air I am breathing, and for YOU.

Curiouser and curiouser...
Last night something happened to me that I have been hoping and wishing for since the end of August--and even though I have thought about it every day since then I don't know now what to do with it. Last night Casey called me and told me that she might like to try again. I originally told her no. But everything in my heart tells me that I love this woman and to never let her go. My head tells me that she will just do this to me again if I let her back in and to run like hell. I have no idea what to do.

I consulted a friend last night, as well as my parents, and they all three told me that if I take some time to think about it and if after that time it truly feels right to let her back into my heart, then I should do it--but with caution. I know that much of me is gone or hidden. I am the kind of person that reinvents himself to run from emotions I have trouble handling, and although the last thing I want in the world is to once again lose myself, I feel like I need to get lost this time. It's the same thing over and over, and it seems like no matter how hard I try all the people I have loved leave me behind at some point in the relationship. That includes friends, also, of which I have very few.

I know that a person is not measured by how much they have or who they hang out with but I have to admit that it would be nice to have people to just chill with every now and then. The only problem with that is that the more I try the more people dislike me. But if I don't try people end up disliking me anyway, and I always somehow end up all by myself.

I just don't know what to do. I love Casey more than life itself, and if there were something I could do to truly make her love me again I would. But I can't give her the past--and I told her that last night. All I can give her is me, as I am, no fakes or imitations. If she cannot love me as I am and stay around for who I will be then we just can't do this again.

Cross your fingers, pray, make a potion--do whatever it is that you do and include me in there somewhere. I don't think I am going to be able to figure this out without a little bit of divine intervension or a bit of voodoo. This, from a complete non-believer. I can say, though, that the one thing I DO believe in is the power of friendship, and right now I can use all of it that I can get.

Current Mood: confused
Current Music: No music but a Christmas song is stuck in my head!

Feels like Monday
Today certainly felt like Monday. My day wasn't good at all! I have had a headache all day, which I woke up with. I will now be going to bed with it and hopefully it will go away. My boss was in a piss poor mood today, leaving me alone so he could take TWO lunch periods. That pissed me off, considering I didn't even get ONE! Then I came home and my mom is in a bad mood. My sister is in a bad mood. Everyone is pissy today and I have no idea why. The only good thing about today is that I have added links to my Yahoo! Group TGMichigan. I put a lot of the links in there that are in my home page.

I am going to go now but I just needed to write somethings down... here's hoping your day was way better than mine!

A Productive Day
Well, today has been one of the more productive days I have had in quite a while. I got up this morning and trekked over to my sister's house because the wind knocked out their phone line and my mom was freaking out, worried that they had no power with the babies in the house. They were fine, and I was going to go back to bed but I changed my mind. Instead I came home and watched some TV, got in the shower and went to lunch with my mom. In spite of the fact that it was just Taco Bell it was a very enjoyable time. I only got to be there for 45 minutes because that's how long mom's lunch is, but it was good. We talked about some things in her life and some things in mine, and we laughed. I had a good time. Even though it was just tacos I think I'll remember today. Then I came home, posted a bunch of new press stuff and activity info on my Yahoo forum, TGMichigan, and finished reading my bogs of e-mail I have been shuffling through for the last 3 days.

I had a nice long chat with an old friend last night long distance and it was great to know that she is well. Plus, if everything works out as planned, I now have a date (and might I add, a hot one) to the KGLRC New Years Eve Gala. Swell...

Casey sent me a text in the middle of the night last night and for the first time since we split she doesn't make me cry. I am starting to slowly but surely recover. I only hope that she can say the same. After all, this was what SHE wanted, not me.

Well, have to go for now. Hope to post again soon. Toodle-oo...

New Beginning
The saying is that people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. There is a saying that a penny saved is a penny earned. They also say that two heads are better than one. Right now the only saying I keep hearing over and over in my head is "LOSER", printed in neon on my forehead.

I am starting over--a new beginning is just what I need. I have to start a new life for myself, with new surroundings and a renewed sense of direction. I finally figured it out. It's not what you say... sayings are just words. I have been talking about a full transition for 3 years now and have gotten really far. I just didn't get far enough and in the process of my slow progress I lost the most valuable thing I ever had.

I know that since I am now moved back in with my parents it's a total turn-off. I am never going to find anyone who is cool with their (almost) 26 year old boyfriend living with his mom and dad. But I can only hope that they will be more receptive, understanding, and patient than Casey could be.

I still love her. I will always love her. She is still the best person I know and I am fully aware of what I lost. She says it's not me. She's wrong. As much as she says she was the one who was pulling away, the truth is that she had lots of reasons to run. I was wrong to ask her to stick around when she was so clearly unhappy. So, I can be the man I need to be and allow her to walk away--and so can I--with as much dignity as I can muster from what is left of me.

My life will take a step in the richer direction. I will be able to save and not spend the $500 a month it was costing me to live in my apartment. I can live with PEOPLE from now on instead of always being with me. I hate me... I follow me around all day like a lost puppy, I make lame jokes, I have smelly feet. I have just grown to be disgusted with myself and the fact is that I am not ready to subject anyone else to me as I am now. Give me 6 months and I will be a new man. And I mean that in a good way for what I really believe is the first time in my life.

I am not by any means cured of this pain. In fact, I am actually very angry and struggling with my emotions. But I sleep at night and I come home to a nice dinner, family to be with, and the occasional message on my answering machine. Those are best when they aren't people trying to sell me stuff or collect a debt, which hasn't happened in a long time, thank goodness. I can live with me as long as I am occupied with something other than ME. I thought about me for a long time and I just can't do it any longer.

So, the surgery is only less than a year away now and I am more excited than I can describe. I take it in stride--everyday that I bind is now one more day closer to victory. One day I will flip a coin and let it determine the direction of my life. Until then, I am going by the book.

Anybody know where I can get that book?

Still alive
Well, I am still alive. Casey and I have been apart for a few months now and I am shipping her stuff back to her today. She and I had a long talk last night and I hope that she is telling me the truth. I also hope that her new friend Curt takes a flying leap and dies--son of a bitch.

Anyway, I haven't had a shower yet, so no hormones today. However, I CAN say (hopefully without jinxing myself) that I have not had a period since the 3rd. Everyone cross your fingers for me that it never comes back. I am also moving home. I will be saving money for my surgery. Rent here is $500 a month so without that bill I can pay for my surgery in about 6-8 months, unless of course I sell my DJ equipment. Interested? E-mail me or comment on this journal. I have to run but I just wanted to update this and tell my semi-hope-it-stays-that-way-good news.

Current Mood: drained
Current Music: Was listening to Rent but turned it off... too noisy

Up'ed again
Well, my T went up to a full 5 grams a day. So far no significant changes. I will give it time. I may never have to inject. The cost of my hormones did not go up even though the amount of gel doubled, which is GREAT.

I'm holding it together as best I can since Casey and I called it quits. I wish she could make up her mind. This situation is killing me and she doesn't seem to care about how I feel, only about what she wants. She still wants to be able to call me and talk to me whenever she wants to. I don't know how I am supposed to get over her leaving me if she doesn't just leave. She can't always have her cake and eat it, too. I just wish I could say no to her... so I let her do whatever she wants... while I die slowly.

On a lighter note, my nephews are going to be getting some snow toys this year from me for Christmas. I was thinking about that last night when I couldn't sleep. I hope to get them a sled and some snow-man accessories, like a scarf and hat and stuff. Although it will be fun to play outside in the snow I am in NO WAY looking forward to snow!

Current Mood: indescribable

Doctor Rodgers
Newest update is that I am going to see Dr. Rodgers on October 7. I am looking forward to it. I am going to tell him that I want to start injectables that day. Hopefully he will be receptive, since I have gone with his instructions all this time and now it's my turn to make some decisions.

I am also going to be taking my friend Marty to Canada to see Dr. McLean. He is excited about going. I think it will be a good trip.

Well, not much more to say. I will update this again when I get back from the doctor.

My trip
My trip was LONG... what a butt might say when it is sat on for 15 hours in the car? OW!

It was good, though. Cost: $5500.00 Canadian... about $4000.00 US. I'm looking forward to it. I have to try to get a loan or sell that equipment. I wonder what I can get from a pawn shop...

If anyone wants more information about the McLean clinic or my appointment and the policies for FtM or MtF surgery (he does MtF too) e-mail me anytime or reply to this post.

Updates and Sad News
Well, here's the updates. I have added a photo page to my web page. Sad news: Casey broke up with me. It's been a tough three weeks. Your prayers and/or wishes are appreciated, as I'm not sure what's going to happen to me. I am struggling here...

I am still going to Canada on the 24th. If anyone wants info on the visit, feel free to e-mail me.

Current Mood: depressed

Rescheduled
I have rescheduled my appointment for September 24 at 1 pm. I am hoping to find out about my second job soon. I should be hearing something in the next week. I cant stay long but I will update again soon.

Sad News
I have had to postpone my appointment in Canada... money issues this month have made this a difficult time. I will go soon, just not on Wednesday. It's ok. Life is hard right now. Casey and I are struggling and I may be single soon, but not by my own choice. I have been holding on but it's hard. Thanks to everyone who follows this for your support. Gonna go but I'll update when I have a date and time for the Canada trip.

Chest Surgery
Well, friends, I just made an appointment for consultation with Dr. Hugh McLean in Mississauga Canada for chest surgery. It's going to cost me about $2500 less there than in the US. I'm figuring $3200 for the bilateral as opposed to $4800 for lypo, $8200 for bilateral. So I guess my savings are even higher if you count the cost for just the bilateral here.

Anyhow, I'll update as soon as I have the appointment. If anyone wants the information for Dr. McLean's clinic, you can search Google for Dr. Hugh McLean. That's how I found him. It's the Mississauga Plastic Surgery Clinic.

New Computer! Well, sort of.
Hey everybody! I got a new computer. Well, sort of. I got a used rebuilt computer that isn't a Dell!!!!!! No offense to Dell users/workers/lovers, but my folks have a Dell and they hate it, I hate it, my sisters hate it... it pretty much has sucked since day one. Anyhow, I am using my new Compaq now. Isn't that great???

This means more updates, more time to chat with friends, more ease in getting my work done. So, e-mail me for crying out loud! What have you been waiting for?!

I got everything (except a printer... still need one of those) for just $195! If anyone is interested in contacting the guy that rebuilds them, e-mail me and I will be glad to forward his e-mail to you. He's really nice.

I've just had the best two days...
I have just had the best two days. I got to spend them with Casey at her new apartment. We went out to dinner yesterday and had a very nice time, we... well..., and I hate to have to go home. I am going to miss her so much. I always do.

I have decided that I am going to switch to injectables. It will actually cost me less, and it makes me wonder just what it wasthat I was waiting for or why I decided to try the gel. I'll be going to the doctor on October 9. I'll update when the time comes. For now I have to go. Best to all.

Not having any fun
This transition is causing me to not have any fun. I am struggling with a menstrual cycle that does not want to let go, a hairless body of peach fuzz and the occasional long chin hair like Shaggy from Scooby Doo, and a girlfriend who says she is tired of waiting. I don't blame her. I AM TIRED OF WAITING!

I just have to take deep breaths and try to get through this one day at a time.

200 come and gone
Day 200 on testosterone has come and gone and I still have a menstrual cycle, I still only have a small moustache, and I have gotten to the point where this is annoying. I have to switch to the injectables. I am going to make an appointment to see my doctor as soon as possible. Like next month, hopefully. I am on day 201. Hmmmm...

I am going tomorrow and trying to get a loan for the money for chest reconstruction surgery. I am nervous. What if they turn me down because I am trans? What if it becomes an issue of them not wanting to give me equal opportunity for a loan? Should I make a scene? Should I cause trouble for the institution? Should I just not have surgery at all? NO! NOT AN OPTION! I can't stand feeling so damned feminine.

I haven't got a high voice anymore. I just sound like I'm 14. I am sick of looking feminine. My face is still fair, with no hair on it. I want a beard. I want a change to happen in the bottom area. I am sick of having a period... one more monthly thing screaming at me YOU'RE FEMALE!

I am going through a little anxiety right now... so don't mind me. It's not as easy to transition as it might seem.

I am not changing my mind. For a while I thought I was. It is hard to be under cover like I am at work. I am always afraid that someone is going to find out. I don't want to lose their trust. But I have spoken to my therapist about it and if it comes down to that, I will just get another job. If my company is going to force me out, let them do it. We will just see who wins the lawsuit.

Okay... deep breaths... relax. Sorry, friends. I am in a bit of a mood right now, but I will just have to get over it. Life could be worse. I could be transitioning alone. At least I have my family's support. That is more than I could possibly ask for in a million lifetimes. Bless them all. If not for them, I would probably be dead.

Then there's Casey. I barely see her. It is getting harder. I try so hard not to be selfish. I want her to be happy. But it always seems as though she is the happiest when she isn't around me. No wonder. With an attitude like I have right now, I wouldn't want to be around me, either.

Transition is hard. I am feeling it now. Hang in there with me, friends. Without you, I am just some chick in men's clothing.

Summertime
It's finally summer in Michigan and I am sweltering. Actually, it has cooled to around 55 and it's sort of comfortable now. Work is hard when you're binding in 89 degree heat with 85% humidity. I think I would rather work in death valley. At least there it is dry heat.

Anyway, I am still transitioning, slowly but surely. Those people who try to keep up on this journal are probably very disappointed, since I have been delinquent in keeping it up myself. I just don't have a computer. I have to mouch off of my parents for theirs, and no matter how gracious they may be, I feel terrible using their stuff. Maybe someday I will have a computer again. In the meantime it is all about the time I get to use theirs.

My process has been hindered by issues with the hormones not kicking in to stop menstruation, which has been a complete and total pain in my ass. Not to mention pain in my gut and legs, which is where my cramps are 9 days out of 10. Plus, this 19 day long period shit needs to cease or I think I might go bullistic.

Anyway, it's not all bad. I have a deeper voice with each passing week. Work is okay. No one there knows and I pass very easily. I just wish I didn't have to bind anymore. Anyone willing to give me an $8000 loan? E-mail me... hehehe.

Well, it's late and I have to go home now. For those who want to see pictures of me on my site, I will hopefully be posting some soon. Go to https://members.tripod.com/ericfleming_1 for my site. If you have trouble getting in to it, e-mail me and I will send you a linked invitation from Tripod. That should get you into it. It does that sometimes... I don't know why.

So, goodbye for now. I'll hopefully be updating this again very soon. Happy June!

Holy Crap!
Holy Crap! It's been way too long since I have been able to update this site. Sorry to all those who keep up on my progress. I was transferred at work and I have been trying to regroup ever since. It's no excuse, but to be honest, there haven't been a whole ton of changes since the last entry.

I have more hair but it's not excessive. I have a deeper voice but I'm not Barry White.

All things considered, I'm fine.

So, until next time. It won't be another month or more... promise. Maybe I'll have something exciting to report.

Holy Crap!
Holy Crap! It's been way too long since I have been able to update this site. Sorry to all those who keep up on my progress. I was transferred at work and I have been trying to regroup ever since. It's no excuse, but to be honest, there haven't been a whole ton of changes since the last entry.

I have more hair but it's not excessive. I have a deeper voice but I'm not Barry White.

All things considered, I'm fine.

So, until next time. It won't be another month or more... promise. Maybe I'll have something exciting to report.

Hair, hair and more hair!
Well, all of this Androgel is making me hairy! Casey and I saw each other last night for the first time in a month (thank god, I don't think I could have gone a minute longer) and she noticed changes in me. I think it's taken us being apart for 30+ days for her to see those smaller things everyone else sees. She sees me from the inside out so she doesn't notice those small outer changes as easily as others do.

I had my appointment with my plastic surgeon and he said I am a candidate for lyposuction for breast reduction. I will need $4,000 but I can sell some stuff, including my DJ equipment to get the money. I hope to have this all done by October. YEAH!!!!!!

Anyway, gotta go. I'm on Mom and Dad's computer. Later, then...

Hair, hair and more hair!
Well, all of this Androgel is making me hairy! Casey and I saw each other last night for the first time in a month (thank god, I don't think I could have gone a minute longer) and she noticed changes in me. I think it's taken us being apart for 30+ days for her to see those smaller things everyone else sees. She sees me from the inside out so she doesn't notice those small outer changes as easily as others do.

I had my appointment with my plastic surgeon and he said I am a candidate for lyposuction for breast reduction. I will need $4,000 but I can sell some stuff, including my DJ equipment to get the money. I hope to have this all done by October. YEAH!!!!!!

Anyway, gotta go. I'm on Mom and Dad's computer. Later, then...

OOOPS!
Well, today is day 110... I messed up the numbers before. Sorry.

Yesterday I pulled a long black hair out of my chest. It was about an inch long and it stuck straight out like a proud little soldier. Ugh. I admit, having some hair is okay, but one long hair on my chest was just gross. So, I plucked it out. Hopefully I won't get a zit in that spot.

Anyway, gotta go. Wet day today, and cold, too. Payday, though. Woopee! Later.

Day 108 and counting
I am over 100 days and I have seen no large changes... only small ones going very slowly forward. Not much to report I'm afraid. I'm not at all exciting these days.

Work is work and I am tired. I'll check in again soon.

Slap my hand...
Okay... slap my hand cuz I have been dilinquent. I have been so busy with the Day of Silence and home projects that I have gotten distracted from the journals. Things here are taking off. Casey's birthday is Saturday and my sister's birthday is Monday. The family will be doing some celebrating.

I can't stay long today but I will update again after the Day of Silence for sure. Bye...

Good day yesterday
Yesterday would have been a good day if it hadn't been for the fact that my boss is an asshole.

Today is my birthday and I am determined to make today a better day and not let him ever get to me again. Who the hell is he to lose my job for me? Long story but he's truly the biggest dickhead I have ever met.

I am going over to my parents' house tonight. We will be having pizza and cake and I will get my gifts tonight. I have no idea what my folks got me. All I know is it's large and difficult to wrap. I'll find out tonight.

I am on dose 80 of T. All is well. My voice hasn't gone back up and I am starting to be able to sing a little bit now. I am at work so I have to go, but I will update again soon.

76 I think
All this counting is driving me crazy. I will have to sit down in front of a calendar and count the days... minus the three I went without T because of the pharmacy. Anyway, I held the second official meeting of the Kalamazoo Transgender Peer Support group and it was way more successful than I ever thought it would be. There were 8 of us there and I was VERY excited. The next meeting is on March 26 at 6 PM. If anyone reading this is interested, e-mail espenolie@yahoo.com for info.

I also have become involved in the Day of Silence, taking place at Western Michigan University on April 9. If anyone is interested in that, check out www.dayofsilence.org.

Anyway, I am at work so I should go. But I will update again soon.

I lost count
There were two days somewhere in the last two weeks that I had to skip three days of T because my pharmacy screwed up. But I get it now for $127 per month. I'm blown away. That is, by far, the cheapest you can get it without insurance or going to illegal means in this area.

Anyway, I'm on like 70 days or something. I have no major news to report except that I passed very easily with Casey's friends this past weekend. It was nerve-racking but I made it.

Well, I'm at work so I'll go. I'll update again soon. Happy Tuesday.

60 days
Well, I have finished the last packet of my next 30 day prescription and there have been no significant changes to my body structure other than the mild facial structure changes of the first 5 weeks. Things have slowed down but I am sure are continuing to progress somewhere inside where I can't see them.

I am sitting in a winter storm, where we have winds of 25-35 mph and lots of snow. How NOT fun! Casey and I will be getting together for Valentine's Day and she has been trying to get me to tell her what her gift is. She just can't be surprised. Well, she won't trick me into telling her, nor will I be tricked into writing in here what the gift is... cuz I know she'll read this. However, after the holiday I will put in here her reaction. It's gonna be great.

Okay, gotta go. Duty calls. But I hope to have some exciting news to pass on in the near future.

55 days
As the United States recovers from the Columbia tragedy I begin to grow more facial hair... it's in perspective for me now. Okay, I will offend someone with that statement. Rest assured it is unintentional and my heart goes out to the families and friends of those lost.

I am seeing only a deeper voice really, not a lot of change, aside from the three pounds I have gained since day 1. I'm porkin' up. So, at that I will check in again about a week or so from now.

Shuttle Explosion
Today is a significant day in history. 7 astronauts lost on re-entry of the space shuttle Columbia over Texas. My heartfelt sympathy goes out to all involved.

Clean bill of health
I went to the doctor on Friday and I was given a clean bill of health. My levels are good and my cholesterol is all normal. I wrote a letter to my bioloical father... still not sure if it's the right thing to do.

Gotta go but I thought I would update the crowd. Later...

47 days
I am starting to HAVE to shave. I woke up this morning with this amazing blotch of black hair sticking out of my chin. I finally decided to shave it off. I was letting the shadow grow until it became severely obvious. And since my career choice requires me to be clean shaven, I figured I would only get myself into trouble if I didn't.

The same old stuff is going on right now. No significant changes other than my voice and the facial hair. I have a Dr appointment tomorrow. I guess my blood level is 11.9 as of my last bloodwork. If anyone knows what that means, please write to me. I have no idea. I guess I will find out tomorrow.

Gotta go but I will update again soon.

40 Days
It's been a while since I updated this. Sorry to those who have been trying to keep tabs on my progress. The name change, which went through on the 13th (insert happy yell here), has kept me busy writing letters and faxing things to my creditors all these last 2 weeks.

I have my new drivers license and I am sending out for my new birth certificate this week.

Work has been okay, although I wish there was more support. People have been getting reprimanded for bad mouthing me and for refusing to call me Eric. It pissed me off royally but at least the company has some balls about it.

Well, I am going to go but I will be writing again soon. Good night.

29 Days and counting
Well, 29 days have gone by. I am not feeling much more of the effects... they have slowed down and it is now just a trickle of results. However, I am not giving up and I look forward to more things coming my way.

My name change hearing is Monday. Naturally I am nervous. I think I could truly wet myself for how scared I am of this judge... this horrible judge who turns people down for this sort of thing because he believes in God. Damn religion freak. Who the hell is he to decide someone's future in a criminal record-free life?!

I had a meeting with my therapist on Thursday. Everything went well. BUT!!!!! I found a place where I can get the Androgel I am on for $162.00 a month cash instead of $245.00!!! If anyone knows of anyplace where I can get it for less (even if it is the internet) please write me at espenolie@yahoo.com.

Well, I must be off. I am hungry and I have more touring to do... I owe, I owe. Later...

Happy New Year
It's 2003 now and I am 9 short days away from permanent name change. I have been on T for 21 days. My voice has started to change but the rest of the immediate changes have slowed or seemigly stopped. I am sure I will see more results soon. My voice is quite a bit lower than it used to be. I saw a change in that after only a week on T. Being a singer, this sudden drop has bothered me. I was hoping it would be more gradual. I can't really sing at all right now. I have been trying to train my voice but it seems that when I get going good, it drops a little more and I lose control of it. I have little to no ability to maintain a scale and I have added about 6 or 7 notes to the bottom of my range, taking away about 4 or 5 on the top. I am at moderate tenor range right now. I am looking forward to the day when it finally cracks and I won't squeak anymore. Only 21 days in and I am complaining already! 2003 will be a year for the record books. I have no job security right now but I decided to move with the cheese and enjoy myself while I am here. I don't take my work home with me. Why bother? I know it isn't bothering any of my coworkers. Why should I let it get to me then? Anyway, here's to a new year, a new body and a new outlook on my world.

14 days
14 days on T and I think I either have a deepening voice or a cold. It feels like I have a cold but it's not the same... no runny nose or cough... just stuffy headed. Could be my sinuses. Could be the T. My hearing for name change got rescheduled for January 13. Anything to slow me up. Oh, well. I will just sit back and wait for this to happen. It gives me one more week to wait to tell my extended family (many of the 50+ relatives have no idea yet).

Well, gotta go. Take a look at my transition page on my site to see more updates.

Seven Days
Today is day 8 of T and I am experiencing some small but interesting effects. Small but obvious clitoral growth and sensitivity, more visible pores all over my body, including my chest, face and abdomen, and a strange but pleasant skin sensitivity. I guess I could describe it as a tingly sensation in my skin when it is touched in certain areas. Odd... anyone else that might have experienced this side effect write me about it. I am curious who else, if anyone, has had the same thing happen to them. I also have not had a voice drop yet, but the changes in my skin indicate at least that the T is working already, if only a little bit.

I am on the daily 2.5 gram dosage and there has been a minimal amount of acne, but it is appearing on my scalp. It is painful and cystic. Anyone else have it only on their head? Maybe it's just a reaction I am having. Who knows? I know that when my head gets oily and sweaty after a full day's work, I have more of a need to shower than I would have before.

Anyway, I am at work and I have to make a tour run. However, I look forward to further changes to update you with. Later...

We have lift off!
Well, I began T today. I don't even mind the minty-menthol smell of the Androgel. It's strong but nice. I am at work, writing in a journal they have decided to restrict my use of. I figure if they want to restrict Blurty they need to make it so I can't get into it first. F***'em.

I have to go... got work to do. But I am mellow and relaxed about T beginning. I just have to wait for the results to begin.

T Minus nothing!
I have received my prescription for T and I will begin it as soon as Saturday. I will be on Androgel and I am looking forward to being broke ALL THE TIME. $250 a month for the rest of my life. Does anyone know where I can order it cheaper? Please help.

I am at work so this journal will be short. But I will go home tonight and have a drink for all of you out there! Time for T celebration!

10... 10... 10...
Well, well. The 10th is coming. The 10th is coming. Did I mention the 10th is coming? I am anxious and scared they're gonna try to put this off for like a year or something. Okay, so I am a paranoid freak that can't keep my head on straight but I don't care. It isn't fair. I sit here and wait a whole month for an appointment for something that is probably only going to last 15 minutes. I'll wait an hour for the doctor to come in, he'll poke me a couple times, prod me a few times, too. Then he will say come back in six months. Okay, so maybe he won't say that but I keep having bad dreams. My anxiety level is about a 150 on a scale of 1 to 10. The 10th! Oh... why won't my head shut off?! Okay, Eric, relax. Take a deep breath and you will maybe get some sleep tonight. If only Casey were here. She would hold me and tell me that everything is going to be alright. She would know what to do to keep me from going over the edge.

I got an e-mail from a friend yesterday but he hasn't written me back. We have been friends since we were 7. Now he writes me this weird e-mail telling me he dropped out of college. He didn't even finish the e-mail. He just left it hanging. Bastard. Now he isn't answering my e-mail I wrote back. I didn't even call him names this time! Hehehe... fucker better be alive. I'll kill him if he isn't. Uh... yeah.

So now I have to wait for the 10th, wait for my court date to come, which still hasn't happened, and on the 13th they are pulling all but 4 of my bottom teeth and I get a beautiful partial denture! I'm only 24. This isn't supposed to be happening, but it's either that or I lose bone in my mouth. Hmmm. Cut my head off. How about that?

Well, this journal is flying into nowhere and I really should do a tour (considering that is what they pay me for). So, bye for now. And remember, as they coyote laughs at the cactus, so shall the lips of the chicken be puckered. Thank you. Thank you.

Holidays
Well, thank goodness turkey day is over, one down two more to go. Christmas I get to tell my family, new year's I get to have a gathering of my own. Here's hoping it goes over without a hitch. The snow just kept coming for the last three days and we have between 7 and 11 inches of snow throughout the land! I hope the weather is good enough that my friends from so many distant places (okay so Ann Arbor isn't all that distant!) can get here okay. I am at work so off to work I go.

Not the 29th
I screwed up. I wanted to write a log yesterday... I started writing. Then I must not have saved it. I remembered that it was probably messed up this morning. So, sorry.

Anyway, it snowed like a mo-fo last night and into this morning. We have probably 2-4 inches right now. We are supposed to get up to 11 today. NOT what I was looking forward to. Snow only makes my job suck more. Being outside in the snow reminds me of when I was a meter reader for the power company. They called us drift dodgers instead of meter readers. Snow sucks... unless you're snowmobiling. Then it's okay.

Well, not much of a log but hey, what are you gonna do? Work is cold and wet and snowy. I wanna go home and have hot chocolate and then get laid. Good snowy day!

Doctors, doctors, doctors
We have lift off!!! I have a doctor appointment scheduled for December 10 to see my physician for beginning hormone therapy. Still no word on a court date for name change, but we are getting there. I just need to check my mail everyday.

It seems as though this is surreal... it's getting close to the holidays. What a wonderful way to tell your family that you're gonna be a guy in about a year. Boy, I hope they all take it well. I think it won't come as a shock to most of them. They have, after all, known me my whole life.

I am gonna go now. I have a lot of work to do today. Later...

Been a while
Well, it's the 16th and I haven't been here for ten days. I had my meeting and got my letters and a doctor. I will be seeing Dr. Rodgers with U of M. I hope all goes well. It should be smooth sailing. The files went out for my name change and I will be getting my prints done soon. I have to make an appointment. I can't stay long... they are moving me out of the guardhouse for a while to help cover something else so I will be away from the computer for a week or more. I hope this doesn't mess everything up for this journal. Anyway, I am going to update everything again soon. After all, I have worked hard and I don't want to give this up. Later.

New Journal
Well, this is my new journal. I decided it was a pain in the butt to try to update the other weblog, since half the time my entries don't show up for a couple days. Their server doesn't seem all that great. I like it for other stuff, just not that anymore. I just wanted to christen this journal (forgive the phrase... I don't know any other way to put it).