"NOTHING IS TRUE, EVERYTHING IS PERMITTED"

There was nothing simple about what drove Kurt Cobain to leave this world. There's nothing simple about what leads any person to choose death, or, in the most desperate instances, to reject death and continue living. But if we can never know what combination of biochemistry, family background, drug addiction, neglect, celebrity, and self-hatred caused Kurt Cobain to obliterate himself, it's still worth pondering what it says about the rock world, stardom, and our own complicity in it­­as fans, critics, partisans, brothers and sisters within a generation and across the gap. If we can't figure out what Cobain's suicide says about him, we should at least try to grasp what it says about us.

Alternative rock may believe that it discovered the idea that stardom is lethal, that embracing fame and fortune represents a death wish not only for the star but for everyone involved in the process, but that's a joke. The idea is there in the 1937 version of A Star Is Born , and before that in the story of Icarus, who soared too high in emulation of birds and the gods.

However, there is something new about the current rock scene's attitude toward stardom, fame, and its own sense of community. The night that the electrician found Kurt's's body, someone who worked for Cobain said in real distress. "I don't understand how this happened," he said, in genuine mourning. "How do you get through to a guy who feels like a bigger and bigger failure the more people respond to him? And the more he says he's a failure, the bigger the response."

For me, that exchange became part of the echo. It determined how I interpreted his suicide note, and that note deserves more analysis than it's received. The excerpts Courtney Love read at Cobain's memorial service reveal a lot about the thinking that led him to kill himself. And while it would be crazy to take anybody's suicide note as the last word on why they did it, it's equally crazy to ignore it and refuse its implications.

To Boddah

Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who obviously would rather be an emasculated, infantile complain-ee. This note should be pretty easy to understand. All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years, since my first introduction to the, shall we say, the ethics involved with independence and the embracement of your community has proven to be very true. I haven't felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music along with reading and writing for too many years now. I feel guilty beyond words about these things. For example when we're backstage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowd begins, it doesn't affect me the way in which it did for Freddy Mercury, who seem to love, relish in the love and adoration from the crowd, which is somehting I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I can't fool you, any one of you. It simply isn't fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun. Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk out on stage. I've tried everything within my power to appreciate it (and I do, God believe me I do, but it's not enough). I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and entertained a lot of people. I must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they're gone. I'm too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasm I once had as a child. On our last 3 tours, I've had a much better appreciation for all the people I've known personally and as fans of our music, but I still can't get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for everyone. There's good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad little sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man. Why don't you just enjoy it? I don't know! I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy and a daughter who reminds me too much of what I used to be, full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point where I can barely function. I can't stand the thought of Frances becoming the miseraable, self-destructive, death rocker that I've become. I have it good, very good, and I'm grateful, but since the age of seven, I've become hateful towards all humans in general. Only because it seems so easy for people to get along and have empathy. Only because I love and feel sorry for people too much I guess. Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the past years. I'm too much of an erratic, moody, baby! I don't have the passion anymore, and so remember, it's better to burn out then to fade away. Peace, Love, Empathy. Kurt Cobain.

Frances and Courtney, I'll be at your altar

Please keep going Courtney,

for Frances.

for her life will be so much happier

without me. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU