Quotes from Tori Amos (who happens to be very quoteable)
w"Anyone
who doesn't believe in faeries isn't worth knowing."
w"Everything started
going wrong when i stopped listening to the faeries."
w"Once you get
to know sad... she's got some sweet little dresses, you know?"
w"What is an angel
but a ghost in drag?"
w"I'm a musician
first, a food-lover second, a dirty mouth with feet, and a girl last
time I checked."
w"If you call me
an airy-fairy new age hippy waif, I will cut your penis off."
w"I am a real believer
in looking at pain and taking it out shopping."
w"Pretty is never
beautiful."
w"The most important
thing I could ever say to somebody is, 'Sometimes I just breathe you in.'"
w"I'm a tomato
freak, but sometimes you have to get it in ketchup form for people to be
able to open to tomatoes."
w"I think we're
all pretty much told what to think, not how to think..."
w"Doing it with
a priest never got me off, they wash it so often... but doing it with Jesus,
now that is something else!"
w"Our generation
has an incredible amount of realism, yet at the same time it loves to complain
and not really change. Because, if it does change, then it won't have anything
to complain about."
w"Men have periods
too, they just don't bleed..."
w"I'm too wacky
for most weirdos. Who am I to judge?"
w"When all young
people would start listening to their own voice instead of saying what
adults say or whatever MTV dicatates, this would be a whole different planet."
w"To take credit
for them [the songs] would be like taking credit for the sunset if you're
a painter."
w"I always thought
I'd make a good girlfriend for Jesus."
w"`Orchards are
simple,' a peach tree says. `Some of me will be juicy and some of me will
be dry. I'm not growing for you, I'm growing because that's what
I do.' You always hear people complaining about how dry their peach is,
and the peach says, `It's not my fault you don't know the proper usage
of dry peaches.'"
w"I don't know
what a shrink would call me. I don't want to know."
w"Most people would
rather be sheep and have company than stand out on their own with antlers
on."
w"I am garlic personified.
Garlic and extra virgin olive oil. Garlic is garlic. You don't want it
in ice cream, but you definitely want it when there are vampires
around."
w"I can't be a
boy with extra holes, right? Well, I guess if you cut my hands off, I couldn't
play the piano anymore, but I'd still be a woman."
Random quotes from various places
w"Music washes away
from the soul the dust of everyday life." --Berthold Auerbach
w"Religion is the
opium of the masses." --Karl Marx
w"I am not a vegetarian
because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants." --A.
Whitney Brown
w"If you want to
survive in life, you've got to know where your towel is." --Douglas Adams,
in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
w"Humans believe
they are smarters than dolphins because we build cars and buildings and
start wars etc... and all that dolphins do is swim in the water, eat fish
and play around. Dolphins believe they are smarter for exactly the
same reasons." --Douglas Adams, in So Long and Thanks for All the Fish
wSilence is the
most effective form of communication.
wTrust is like
virginity--you lose it once and that's it.
w"An egotist is
a person of low taste, more interested in himself than me." --Ambrose Bierce
w"God is love.
Love is blind.
Ray Charles is blind.
Therefore, Ray Charles is God."
wHumanity's first
sin was faith. The first virtue was doubt.
wAny belief worth
having must first survive doubt.
wIf there were
an afterlife, Isaac Asimov would have written a book about it by now.
wLosing your faith
is a lot like losing your virginity--you don't realize how irritating it
was until it's gone.
wA society without
religion is like a crazed sociopath without a loaded .45.
wWhy does the Vatican
have lightning rods?
wIt's your
god. They're your rules. YOU go to hell.
wFriends help you
move. Real friends help you move dead bodies.
wI want to know
how people with multiple personalities fill out their census papers.
w"And another thing--Hanson
blows." --Donald Trump (Go, Donald!)
w"One good turn
gets most of the blankets." --Anonymous
w"Duct tape is
like the force. It has a dark side, it has a light side, and it holds the
Universe together." --Carl Zwanig
wThe art of flying
is to throw yourself at the ground and miss. --Douglas Adams
w"I teleported
home one night
With Ron and Sid and Meg.
Ron stole Meggie's heart away
And I got Sidney's leg." --Douglas
Adams on matter transference beams.
w"The dumber people
think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them."
--William Clayton
wIf God had wanted
people to give blowjobs, he wouldn't have given them teeth.
wHow do you play
religious roulette? You stand in a circle and blaspheme and see who
gets struck by lightning first.
wThe quickest way
to a man's heart is not through the stomach, but through his chest. With
an axe.
wThe angle of the
dangle is inversely proportional to the heat of the meat.
wSemper ubi sub
ubi. (For those who don't speak Latin-- "Always wear underwear.")
wSolution to two
of the world's major problems: feed the homeless to the hungry.
w"What can you
say about a society that says God is dead and Elvis is alive?" --Irv Kupcinet
wIt doesn't matter
what temperature the room is; it's always room-temperature. --Steven Wright
wIf you're not
part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. --Steven Wright
wWell, you know
when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost
fall over
backwards, but at the last instant you catch
yourself? That's how I feel all the time. --Steven Wright
wWomen's creed:
Men are like linoleum. If you lay them right the first time, you can walk
on them for 20 years.
wLord, grant me
the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change
the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill
because they pissed me off.
wSure God created
man before woman.. but then you always make a rough draft before The Final
Masterpiece.
w "Years ago, it
meant something to be crazy. Now everyone's crazy." --Charles Manson
wIf you can't live
without me, why aren't you dead already?
--Cynthia Heimel
wThe male chromosome
is an incomplete female chromosome. In other words the male is a walking
abortion; aborted at the gene stage. To be male is to be deficient, emotionally
limited; maleness is a deficiency disease and males are emotional cripples.
--Valerie Solanos
wAmerica is a melting
pot, the people at the bottom get burned while all the scum floats to the
top. --Charlie King
wThe French are
sawed-off sissies who eat snails and slugs and cheese that smells like
people's feet. Utter cowards who force their own children to drink wine,
they gibber like baboons even when you try to speak to them in their own
wimpy language.
--P.J.O'Rourke
wI can't believe
that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest. --Steven
Pearl
wI don't suffer
from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
wThe gene pool
could use a little chlorine.
wIf we aren't supposed
to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
wReality is a crutch
for people who can't handle drugs.
wFaith: Belief
without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of
things without parallel. --Ambrose Bierce
w"Gods are fragile
things; they may be killed by a whiff of science or a dose of common sense."
-Chapman Cohen
wI can walk on
water, but I stagger on alcohol.
wYou don't marry
someone you can live with; you marry the person with whom you cannot live
without.
wA civilized society
is one which tolerates eccentricity to the point of doubtful sanity.
--Robert Frost
wLife... is like
a box of chocolates. A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctoral gift that no one
ever asks for. Unreturnable because all you get back is another box of
chocolates. So, you're stuck with mostly undefinable whipped mint crap,
mindlessly wolfed down when there's nothing else to eat while you're watching
the game. Sure, once is a while you get a peanut butter cup or an English
toffee but it's gone too fast and the taste is fleeting. In the end, you
are left with nothing but broken bits filled with hardened jelly and teeth-shattering
nuts, which, if you are desperate enough to eat, leaves nothing but an
empty box of useless brown paper.
--The Cigarette-Smoking Man from The X-Files
wAll religions
are founded on the fear of the many and the cleverness of the few.
--Stendhal
wThe ignorant always
seem so certain and the intelligent so uncertain.
wDon't be humble,
you're not that great.
--Golda Meir
wWomen who seek
equality with men lack ambition.
wGuys are like
parking spaces, they're all either taken or handicapped. And the second
you finally find one, you see an even better one across the lot.
wIf you can't baffle
them with brilliance, befuddle them with bullshit.
wIf you don't care
where you are, you're not lost. (Right, Cara? *grin*)
wEveryone has a
photographic memory. Some don't have film.
wI feel like I'm
diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
wHe's not dead,
He's electroencephalographically challenged.
wYou have the right
to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against
you.
wI wonder how much
deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
wAtheism is a non-prophet
organization.
wCheerfulness is
contagious, but don't wait to catch it from others. Be a "carrier."
wDid you know that
dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity,
they can train Americans to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw
them fish?
wEverybody is ignorant,
only on different subjects.
wMen always want
to be a woman's first love. Women have a more subtle instinct; what they
like to be is a man's last romance.
wNow that I've
given up hope I feel much better.
wLSD melts in your
mind, not in your hand.
wI don't blame
Congress. If I had $600 billion, I'd be irresponsible too.
wIn the 60's people
took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, people take
Prozac to make it normal.
wSit next to a
pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. Sit on a red-hot stove
for a minute, it seems like an hour. That's relativity. --Albert
Einstein
wTalk is cheap
because supply exceeds demand.
wA common mistake
that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is
to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
--Douglas Adams
wLove is a perky
elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a
minature machine gun. --Matt Groening
wIf I seem to give
a damn, please tell me. I would hate to be giving the wrong impression.
wA pessimist is
someone who has had to listen to too many optimists.
wNothing is really
work unless you'd rather be doing something else.
wThe churches must
learn humility as well as teach it.
wSex is not the
answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
wPower corrupts;
Absolute power corrupts absolutely;
God is all-powerful.
Draw your own conclusions.
wSex is like snow...
You never know how many inches you're going to get or how long it will
last.
wAny fool can tell
the truth, but it requires a person of some sense to know how to lie well.
wThe universe is
laughing behind your back.
wYou're pathetic.
I like that in a person.
wActually, it only
takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's
the thirteenth or fourteenth. --George Burns
wCollege is a fountain
of knowledge... and the students are there to drink.
wThere are two
major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't
believe this to be a coincidence. --Jeremy S. Anderson
wSurgeon General's
Warning: Quitting Religion Now Greatly Increases the Chances of World Peace.
wAvoid all needle
drugs - the only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon.
--Abbie Hoffman
wIn heaven all
the interesting people are missing. --Nietzsche
wBisexuality immediately
doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
--Woody Allen
wIf love is blind,
how does love at first sight work?
wIf sex is a pain
in the butt, you're doing it wrong.
wYou can turn ANY
conversation into one about sex!
wElwood Blues:
It's 106 miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of
cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses.
Jake Blues: Hit it!
--The Blues Brothers
wI did have a test
today. That wasn't bullshit. It's on European Socialism. I mean, really,
what's the point? I'm not European, I don't plan on being European, so
who gives a crap if they're socialist? They could be fascist anarchists,
that still wouldn't change the fact that I don't own a car. Not that I
condone fascism, or any ism for that matter. Isms in my opinion are not
good. A person should not believe in an ism, he should believe in himself.
I quote John Lennon: "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me."
A good point there. Of course he was the Walrus. I could be the Walrus,
I'd still have to bum rides off of people.
--Matthew Broderick in Ferris Bueller's Day Off
w"You've got a
Methodist Coloring Book
And you color really well
But don't color outside the lines
Or God will send you to hell"
--Dead Milkmen, "Methodist Coloring Book"
wFelicia: Well,
ever since Iwas a lad, I've had this dream, a dream that I now, finally,
have a chance to fulfill.
Bernadette: And that is?
Felicia: To travel to the center of Australia,
climb King's Canyon (as a queen) in a full-length Gautier sequin, heels
and a tiara.
Bernadette: Great. Thats just what this
country needs, a cock in a frock on a rock.
--Priscilla, Queen of the Desert
wIf the Bible proves
that God exists then comic books prove the existence of Superman.
wMr. Bigglesworth
is upset. And when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset, people DIE!
--Dr. Evil in Austin Powers
wSalsa shark. We're
gonna need a bigger boat. Man goes into cage, cage goes into salsa, shark's
in the salsa. --Randall from Clerks
w"If Jesus had
been killed 20 years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little
Electric Chairs around their necks instead of crosses"
--Lenny Bruce
wFrisbeetarianism,
n.: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and
gets stuck.
wThe only difference
between God and Adolf Hitler is that God is more proficient at genocide.
wIf you ask the
wrong questions you get answers like '42' or 'God'.
w"Isn't it enough
to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there
are fairies at the bottom of it too?"
--Douglas Adams
w"No efficiency.
No accountability. I tell you, Hobbes, it's a lousy way to run a universe."
--Calvin, in Calvin & Hobbes
If you have anything you'd like to add to the
list of quotes, email me!
<GUILTTRIP> Or don't. I understand if you
don't love me. *sniffling* </GUILTTRIP>