Simpsons Favourite Quotes

HOMER

To alcohol, the cause of and solution to all of life's problems.*
Mr. Burns: Oh, quit cogitating Steinmetz and use an open-faced club, the sand wedge!
Homer: Mmmm... open-faced club sandwich.*
It was a tomoulchouous time for a nation. The clear beverage craze gave us all a reason to live. The information superhighway told the average person what some nerd thinks about Star Trek. And the domestication of the dog continued unabaided.*
Yeah, Moe, that team sucked last night. Now I've seen a team suck, but they just plain sucked, they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked. Gotta go Moe, my damn weiner kids are listening.*
English, who needs that? I'm never going to England!
Homer: And how is education suppose to make me feel smarter? Besides, everytime I learn something new it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine making course, and I forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: No TV and no beer make Homer something something.
Marge: Go crazy?
Homer: Don't mind if I do!
Marge? Do you have other men in this house? Radioactive men?
God bless those pagans!
Dear Baby: Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You!
Now, remember! As far as anyone knows, we're a nice, normal family.
Do'h! Do'h! Do'h! Do'h!.... I mean woohoo!
I'm sure Einstein turned himself a lot of colours before he invented the lightbulb.
I'm whizzing with the door open, and I love it!
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is: never try.
There once was a man with long hair and some wild ideas who didn't always do what everyone thought was right. You remember him, he used to drive that blue car?
Life is just one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.
The information superhighway showed the average American what some nerds think about Star Trek.
Remember what Vince Lombardi said: If you lose, you're ottta the family.*
Pepe : Your the best dad Papa Homer.
Homer: Your the best son Pepsi.
Pepe : Pepe.
Homer: Pepe.
When trouble arises keep your fool mouth shut and don't make thing's worse.
Homer: Gambling's Ok It says so in the Bible.
Lisa: Where?
Homer: Somewhere in the back.
Homer: How much does this job pay?
Lenny: Nothin'
Homer: D'oh!
Lenny: Unless you're crooked.
Homer: Woohoo!

CHIEF WIGGUM

Sorry, you have the wrong number. This is 9-1-2.
Oh my God! Someone took a bite from the giant rice crispy square! Oh yeah, and the waiter's been brutaly beaten.
Oh! Isn't that cute, a baby driving a car! Oh and look a dog driving a bus.
I noticed your tail light was blinking when you made that left turn.*
Continue swimming naked...c'mon...continue!....OK Lou open fire.*

CHARLES MONTGOMERY BURNS

Mankind has always dreamed of destroying the sun.
Fill it up with petroleum distillate, and re-vulcanize my tires, post-haste!
We must crush the freedom fighters before the start of the rainy season. And a shiny new donkey for whoever brings me the head of Colenol Montoya.... In that I mean, it's time for the worker of the week award.
Burns: Smithers, look a bird has become petrified and lost its way.
Smithers: I think it's a rock, sir.*
Burns:You must find the jade monkey before the next full moon.
Smithers: Actually sir, we found the jade monkey, it was in the glove box.
Burns:With the ice scrapper and the road maps?
Smiters:Yes sir
Burns: Excellent all the pieces of my plan are falling into place.*
What are you doing tonight Smithers? Something gay no doubt?*

SELMA BOUVIER

I have money, I bought stock in a mace company before society crumbled.

SIDESHOW BOB

You want the truth? You can't handle the truth. No truth-handler, you. I deride your truth-handling abilities.

APU NAHASAPEEMAPETILON

Now, now, this is not a lending library. Put down that magazine or I'll blow your heads off!
Reporter: Apu, is the rumour true that you're actually Indian?
Apu : By the gods of Vishnu, that is a lie!
Manager : Well, we're going to have to change your last name to De BeauMarche.
Apu : That is an insult and an outrage to my ancestors and gods, but okay.
Apu : It may not be glamarous, but it's good, honnest work.
Lady : How much is this milk?
Apu : Twelve dollars.*

REVEREND LOVEJOY

Forget God people we are going to hell.
Have you ever read this thing [Bible]? Technically we're not supposed to go to the bathroom. (Telling Marge to divorce Homer, after she says it's forbidden in the Bible.)
Rev : And the Lord said "Whack ye the snakes and it will be good forever, Amen." So you see Lisa, even God endorses Whacking Day.
Lisa: Let me see that.
Rev : No.

ABE SIMPSON

We're free! We're free! We can go anywhere we want! (Pause. Nobody moves or says a word.) I'm cold and frightened.
Homer: If you don't start making more sense, we're going to have to put you in a home.
Grampa: You already put me in a home.
Homer: Then we'll put you in the crooked home we saw on Sixty Minutes!
Grampa: [meekly] I'll be good.
Homer: Dad, am I as cute as a button?
Grampa: You're as homely as a mule's butt!
I can still eat corn on the cob, if someone cuts it up and mushes it into a fine paste. Now that's good eating!
We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell them stories that don't go anywhere. Like that time I took the ferry over to Shelbyville; I needed a new heel for my shoe. So, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickle, and in those days, nickles had pictures of bumblebees on them. "Give me five bees for a quarter," you'd say. Now where were we? Oh yeah, the important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have any white onions, because of the war; the only thing you can get was those big yellow ones.

TROY MCCLURE

Hi, I'm Troy McClure, you might remember me from such:

films as "The Erotic Adventures of Hercules" and "Dial 'M' for Murderousness".
films as "'P' is for Psycho" and "The President's Neck is Missing".
films as "Today We Kill, Tomorrow We Die" and "Gladys, the Groovy Mule".
films as "The Greatest Story Ever Hula-ed" and "They Came to Burgle Carnegie Hall".
Fox Network Specials as "Alien Nose Job" and "The Five Fabulous Weeks of the Chevy Chase Show".*
self-help videos as "Smoke Yourself Thin" and "Get Some Confidence, Stupid!".*
nature films as "Earwigs: Ewwww" and "Man vs. Nature: The Road to Victory".
automated information kiosks as "Welcome to Springfield Airport" and "Where's Nordstrom?".
such medical films as "Alice Doesn't Live Anymore" and "Mommy, What's Wrong With That Man's Face?".
public service videos as "Designated Drivers, the Lifesaving Nerds" and "Phony Tornado Alarms Reduce Readiness".
instructional videos as "Mothballing Your Battleship" and "Dig Your Own Grave and Save".
TV spinoffs as "Son of Sanford and Son" and "After Mannix".
educational films as "Lead Paint, Delicious but Deadly" and "Here Comes the Metric System".
driver's ed films as "Alice's Adventures through the Windshield Glass" and "The Decapitation of Larry Leadfoot".
cartoons as "Christmas Ape" and "Christmas Ape goes to Summer Camp".
telethons as "Out With Gout '88" and "Let's Save Tony Orlando's House".
celebrity funerals as "Andre The Giant, We Hardly Knew Ye" and "Shemp Howard, Today We Mourn A Stooge".

WILLIE ANG

Don't take it so hard lad. I was wrestling wolves when you were at your mother's teat.
When you're alone and life is gettin' you lonely Ye can always goo...ACH!...DOON TOON!

DR. NICK RIVIERA

Theses gloves came free with my toilet brush.

CAPTAIN PETE

Captain Blackbeard:Argh. This chair is high says I.*

BART'S PRANK NAMES

Isabell Ringing
Ivana Tinkle
Amanda Hugenkiss
Ben Dover
Homer Sexual
Seamore Butts
Hugh Jass
Mike Rotch
Maya Butreaks
Anita Bath
Jock Strap*

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