This is a hilarious list of archetype DMs taken from:



1. The Munchkin


"Having slain the hordes of Azoth single-handedly, without even

unsheathing the Sword of Universal Destruction, your half grey

elven/half gold dragon 50th level paladin/MU/Cleric/Monk/Bard gazes

down upon the pitiful Cthulhu who grovels at his feet..."


2. Monty Haul (variation on the Munchkin, but characters tend to be

lower level)


"You are each granted one wish." "I wish to have the hand and eye of

Vecna." "I wish to have the flask of Teurny the Merciless." "I wish to

have..." "Poof, they appear in front of you. Now what do you do?"


3. Killer


"As you pull aside the tapestry, a green slime jumps upon you from

behind it, killing you... nope, no 'to hit' or saving throw allowed, it

says so right here."


4. The Troublemaker


singles out one player and continually hands him/her notes which read

"Don't let anyone know there is nothing on this note."


5. The Cheater


"I don't care if you hit on an 18 LAST time, THIS time you missed, and

I don't want to hear another thing about it."


6. Mr. Don't-question-me


"A blue bolt from heaven strikes Harold the Whiner, reducing him to one

hit point. Anybody else got a problem with this campaign?"


7. The Novice


"You rolled a 2 on your 'to hit' roll. Did you want high or low?"


8. Verbose


"The door is solid oak, bound with 4 iron bands of roughly equal width,

spaced equidistant along its width, and the wood is polished smooth,

stained a dark brown, except for a small patch near the bottom which is

blacker, and hinges are not visible from this side, but you notice the

exquisite design of the lock, the faceplate of which is a starburst

design, edged in gold or maybe polished copper or brass, its kind of

hard to tell with the torchlight, but the knocker is definitely cast

iron and you see...(sounds of snoring from party members)"


9. those With a poker face


"The slave you rescued courteously accepts your offer to accompany you

and thanks you for your trust in her..."


10. those Without a poker face


"The slave you rescued, hee hee, courteously accepts your offer, snort,

to accompany you and thanks you for your trust in her, hah, hah, ..., boy

are you gonna get it now... giggle"


11. timid


"The orc hits your for 4 points of damage, if that's OK with you,

Steve. Really, you've got 17 hit points left and he has only 2, so

you'll be okay, OK?"


12. DePalma school of blood and gore


"Your magic drill cleaves the demon's skull in twain and it literally

explodes, spattering everyone with blood and brains. An unsightly

green liquor drips from your face as you watch the smoldering corpse

churn before you like a baby in a blender and finally settle into a

puddle of vomit and excrement..."


13. Gibson school of writing graduate


"The view in the crystal ball was the color of television, tuned to a

dead channel."


14. Vengeful


"You won't go out with me Saturday? Okay, all of the were-rats attack



15. fantasy AD&D'er


"The 100 peasants beat at your fighter ineffectually with their sticks

and pitchforks until you have slain them all. A heroic effort on your



16. anti-fantasy AD&D'er


"The 100 peasants overbear your fighter with their great numbers and,

unable to move under the weight of their hordes, you squirm helplessly

as they pry open your field plate and skewer you like a lobster. You

die an ignoble death."


17. the Stickler for detail


"Taking into account atmospheric conditions, the acceleration due to

gravity, the low drag coefficient of your greased plate mail, your high

dexterity, the gold in your backpack, your associated credit rating,

the eggs you had for breakfast, ... and the average number of chickens

who would remain inside the coup on a warm day, you have to roll 13 or

better to survive the fall..."


18. No originality


"Its a quest, see, you're trying to take this ring to Mordor, to drop

it into a volcano to destroy it. No, no, honest I thought of this

campaign myself..."

"He never told you what happened to your father.  I am your father..." No seriously.


19. Leading and Overbearing


"You pump the bartender for information and he tells you about a red

dragon's lair to the west." "Too risky, we go to hear rumors somewhere

else." "A man offers to hire you to clean out a red dragon's lair for

him." "We say no thank you and leave for the next village." "On the way

to the village you stumble onto a red dragon's lair..."


20. the Dungeon Builder


"The first door in the hallway opens onto a 20 x 20' room containing a

griffon. The next room contains a party of orcs. The next contains a

gelatinous cube. The next contains a couple giants..." - Mark Isaak


21. The Schmuck


"Oh. Can someone really do that? Okay, I'll let you have a 50% chance.

Oh. Okay, 75% then."


22. The Executioner


"A hidden blade slides down the doorway, mincing the two fighters and

the cleric. The thief gets nine crossbow bolts in his back, and the

magic user is hit by an intense beam of light, burning a hole through

his head."


23. The Ghoul


"That's the 17th character you rolled tonight? Mouahahahahahahahahahah!"


24. The Absolute Monarch


"The huge Red dragon CAN fit through the little hole, 'cause I SAID SO!"


25. The Generous Munchkin


"Okay, now that you've killed that Kobold, you open the treasure chests

and fine 100,000 gold pieces, 50,000 platinum pieces, and two hundred

gems worth a billion gold each. Oh, and a +20 Vorpal Sword. And

before I forget, a Rod of Seven Parts too."


26. The Killer Munchkin


"You guys are dead."


27. The Whining Munchkin


"But, but, you guys CAN'T do that! It's my only dungeon! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaail!"


28. The Die Modifier


"Yeah, yeah, so you rolled a 20. You missed. Secret modifiers you



29. The Unimaginative Type


"You walk into the bar and see thirty mercenaries all wearing scale mail

and carrying long swords. They all sit at separate tables."


30. The Design Zealot


"I just need another 15 minutes. I only have 3 more levels to



31. The storyteller/scripter


He has the plot for the adventure all figured out, and you're going to

follow it come hell or high water.


32. The planner


He has everything for the adventure carefully planned and written out

ahead of time. All the NPCs stats and background details, who will tell

you what, and so forth.


33. The "Make it up as we go" type


He comes in with a vague idea of what the PCs will run into today, and

fills in the details as he goes along.


34. The literal type


Player: "I wish Joe had more lives". GM:"Joe, you are now a

schizophrenic." and Player: "What is the air speed of a swallow?"

GM:"African or European?"


35. Sadistic


"Just then, eighty ancient huge red dragons descend on your

party... they all breath on you at once! What do you do NOW?"


35a. Sadist with Masochist players


"Realizing that you are adventurers the 80 ancient huge red dragons

kill themselves to prevent you from getting the experience for them."


36. Graduate of the Bob Newhart School of Dry Humor


"Okay, the sun goes nova and you are caught in the explosion.

Everybody takes (roll roll roll...) nine thousand seven hundred and

forty-eight points of fire damage from the plasma... save for half.

What'd you roll? Oh, too bad."


37. Nice


"Well Bill, I don't know how to tell you this, but your character's

dead. Just like that. I'm really sorry, but you know, these things

happen. 'Man hath but a short time to live, and that full of sorrow.'

Look man, I know you're hurting. If you want to talk about it, we can

take a break...


38. Monty Python-esque


"Oh no! The Mutated Potato Monster sprays the party with a stream of

Red-Hot Wolf Nipple Chips(TM)! Everybody takes zero damage, Save

Versus Heebie-Jeebies or Become Very Frightened And Explode!"


39. Forgetful


"Okay, you walk into the room. The orcs look up from their card game,

much surprised to see anybody at this hour, and grab their - Huh?

You've already been through here and killed the orcs? Shoot.

Okay, let's try that again. You notice seven slaughtered orcs..."


40. Shakespearean


"Oho! Methinks that the Purple Mage has waxed sorely pissed at thy

attempt to engulf him in thy vomituous Stinking Cloud dweomer! By my

trow, he has, in his wroth, flung a Power Word, Kill at thee, with a

shout of 'Have at thee, vile knave!' What doest thou do now, brave



41. The Chaos King


"Ok, the gnome got off his Confusion spell, everyone roll their actions

as the 4 leprechauns chase 3 rust monsters into the camp. By the way:

the two hobbits who you found tied to a tree earlier take this moment

to change into doppelgangers and attack the princess you're supposed to

be guarding. You see all this clearly because the wagons in the caravan

are burning from the arrows the orcs have fired at them. Who's wearing

armor, as you were all asleep?"


The major part of this list came to you from Scott Butler.

Further contributions were made by: James Heath, Kathryn L. Smith,

Paul J. Zanca, Dave Cooke, J.D. Frazer and Charles K. Hughes


Compilation by: Ordania-DM.

Lay-out by: Boudewijn H.F.M. Wayers.


Edited by Lawgiver

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