Having (nothing)

And is it easy for me,
If my emotions riseandfall
With your every yesand no?

I used to have control—
I the seducer, you seduced (me),
Until I saw you at work in a dress.
You reminded me of so many things.
                                                           I used to have
(If you could think of having a motion, a gesture,
A wordless flicker of light across) a smile.
But then you weren’t those things.
You were you andsomucheverything
                                                         I never had
(If I could think of having)
But always wanted (you).

But my morality almost makes it a crime
To (should I) love (conquer) you.
And who am I to stand in the way of love,
When it unleashes the grapes of restlessness,
Discontent, and neglect
To conquer all with its terrible, swift
Reconciliations and reversals?

Do not stand in the way of the love-people,
The Daisy and Tom Buchanan’s.
When they are through with their affairs,
They reconcile and retreat
Back into their recklessness togetherapart.¹
                                                                   I learned
And re-learned, early and often (nothing)
That if you hand some one the knife,
If you let her cut you open,
You will have no secrets. And she will leave you
                                                                            (nothing)
When she finds that you have—
                 (nothing) when you are sliced-up and dissected that way
                 When you are exposed for whoandwhat you are (nothing)
                 Before Godandeveryone—
Nothing to hold on to.²

But if you could find (and I believe you
                                                              Could
Find in me some piece
Of the many, scattered pieces)
Something to hold
Then I believe…
How I want you in my life!
(How eager I to give you the knife!)

¹The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald. "They were careless people, Tom and Daisy—they smashed up things and creatures and then retreated back into their money or their vast carelessness or whatever it was that kept them together, and let other people clean up the mess they had made…."
²"On the Sill" by Cowboy Junkies. "Do you remember when you'd pray to never see the day when someone would make you feel this way, 'cause you knew they would cut right through you and once inside, you were afraid they'd find nothing to hold on to."

7/18/98