Maybe we should send some minties to these people. Just
remember, it could be worse!

* The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon
Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony,
two of the most expensively saved animals were released back
into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute
later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

* A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to
a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his
reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her with
an axe leaving her mentally retarded.

* A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking
frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist
towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the
deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the
back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he
had been happily listening to his Walkman. 

* Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of
sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn Germany. Suddenly the
pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence
and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And finally. . . . . . . 

* Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a
letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. 

Your day's not so bad, is it?

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the
students if anyone can give him an example of a "TRAGEDY". One
little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend who lives
next door was playing in the street when a car came along and
killed him, that would be a TRAGEDY." "No," Clinton says, "That
would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children
drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a
TRAGEDY." I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we
would call a GREAT LOSS." The room is silent; none of the other
children volunteer. "What?" asks Clinton. "Isn't there any one
here who can give me an example of a TRAGEDY?"

Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he
speaks: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton were
blown up by a bomb, that would be a TRAGEDY." "Wonderful!"
Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be
a TRAGEDY?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an ACCIDENT, and
it certainly would be no GREAT LOSS!"

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in
grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children
are restless because of this. The teacher says, "Whoever answers
the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here.
I'm smart and will answer the question."

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham
Lincoln." The teacher said "That's right Susie, you can go
home." Johnny was MAD that Susie had answered the question first.

The teacher asked another question, "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther
King". The teacher said, "That's right Mary, you can go." Johnny
was even madder than before. 

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do
for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John
F.Kennedy". The teacher said, "That's right Nancy, you may also
leave."

Johnny was BOILING mad that he had not been able to answer to
any of the questions.

Then the teacher turned her back and Johnny said, "I wish these
bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turned around and asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?"

The following from a Florida newspaper:

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife
was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine
on the motorcycle and somehow the motorcycle slipped into gear.
The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a
glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside
the house.

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found
her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the
motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The
wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they
lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several
flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to
her husband.

After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the
hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it
outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife
obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw
the towels in the toilet.

The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come
home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door
and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent,
went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a
cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between
his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her
husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her
husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away
and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs
and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an
ambulance.

The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at
the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher
and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down
the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the
paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself.
She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one
of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell
down the remaining steps and broke his arm.

Now, THAT is a bad day

Bill and Hillary were married for 40 years. When they first got
married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must
promise never to look in it."

In all their 40 years of marriage Hillary never looked. However,
on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary, curiosity got the
better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the
box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in cash. She closed the
box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in
the box, she was doubly curious as to why. 

That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner
Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed,
saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise
and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the
temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know
why do you keep the bottles in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these
years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful
to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to
remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointead and
saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the
road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not
that bad considering the years." They hugged and made their
peace.

A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "Why do you have all
that money in the box?"

Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed
them in."

 
Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night
when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his
driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had
happened. About one hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the
car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his
clothes all ripped and torn. "What happend to you?" asked Bill. "Well, the
Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old
daughter made mad passionate love to me." "My God, what did you tell
them?" asks Clinton. The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I
just killed the pig."
 
 
Bumper Stickers;
Horn broken. Watch for finger.

Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

All generalizations are false.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

I brake for no apparent reason.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

I love cats...they taste just like chicken.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.

Born free...Taxed to death.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

Rehab is for quitters.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

Montana-At least our cows are sane!

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
vegetarian.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt-in case heaven is like
the IRS..

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

No radio - Already stolen.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its
students.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be
happy.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

I subport publik edjekashun.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who
can't.

Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Keep honking...I'm reloading.

Caution: I drive like you do.
 
 
And we thought some of OUR laws were strange...

Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law: "After
having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh."
(umm OK, I'm sure the lamb appreciates that one)

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
punishable by death. (OK, like THAT makes sense...)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is
forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may
only see their reflection in a mirror. (Ouch!)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also
applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered
with a brick or a piece of wood at all times. (...a brick?)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is capitation. (Wonder how they
enforce that one?)

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and
deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for
the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for
virgins to marry. (Now let's just think for a minute...is there any job
anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (The husband's lover, on
the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. COOL)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England, but only in tropical
fish stores. (Of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the
first time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(I shudder at the thought. How many of us would be virgins today?)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman
and her daughter at the same time. (We have to presume this was a big
enough problem that they had to pass this law...)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one
exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in
places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the
premises." (Is this a great country or what?)
 
More Evidence That This World Is Full Of Complete Idiots:

1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an
airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old
friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two
practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety
record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of
safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery
News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so
graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in
their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted,
and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head
falling off a chair while watching the film.

4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear
weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within
city limits.

5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis,
but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen
pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of
whiplash injuries and back pain.

6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on
a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page
manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000
strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier
with the shredder.

7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days
later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At
lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and
thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and
arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had
stolen over the lunch hour.

8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by
placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with
wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was
placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each
time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

9. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan,
refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man
threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber
called the police and was arrested.

10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking,"
stole a steam roller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an
officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
 
 
The Pope arrives in NYC for an important UN meeting.  His flight
is delayed, so he has only 15 minutes to get from JFK airport to
the UN building.  A car had of course has been arranged to pick
him up -- he is, after all, the Pope.
  
The Pope tells the driver of his predicament, but the driver
says that he will not violate the speed limit.  So the Pope says
"OK, OK, get in the back, I'll drive."  The Pope floors it,
weaving through traffic like a madman.  Inevitably, even for the
Pope, he sees flashing lights behind him, and has to pull over.
The officer takes one look in the window, turns pale, and slowly
walks back to his squad car.

He calls up his superior officer, and tells him "I just pulled
this guy over for speeding, but I can't give him a ticket."

"Well, why not?"

"He's too important"

"Well, who is it?  The mayor? Did you pull over the mayor?"

"No, no, no.  Much more important than that."

"Well, was it Donald Trump?"

"No, no, no.  Much more important than that."

"Was it the president?  Please tell me you did not pull over the
president of the United States."

"No, no, no.  Much more important than than."

By this time, the superior officer is completely flabbergasted.
He yelled "Well, then who the hell did you pull over?!" 

To which the policeman nervously replied "Well, I don't know,
but he's got the Pope for a driver!"
 
 
Consider this ... and remember that it is all completely true.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both were shot in the head.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names comprise fifteen letters.

Booth ran from the theatre and were caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre.

Booth and Oswald were both assassinated before their trials.

HERE'S THE KICKER:
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe....
 
 
A guy is driving along the freeway in Los Angeles, and as he reaches
downtown, he finds himself in the middle of a massive traffic jam that is
blocking up five different freeways and sending lines of cars back for
miles in all directions.

After a while, he notices a guy walking from car to car down the freeway,
stopping and talking to people through their car windows.

When the guy reaches him he rolls down his window and says, "Hey! What's
causing all this delay?"

The guy on the freeways says, "Well, you're not going to believe this, but
OJ Simpson has sat down in the middle of the freeway intersection up
there, and he's totally distraught, and he says there's no way he can ever
pay the $35 million he owes the Goldmans and the Browns, and so he's
threatened to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire if
people don't give enough money sufficient to cover the cost of the
judgment. So I've taken up a collection to try to end the traffic jam."

"How much have you gotten so far."

"About ten gallons."
 
 
1. Shouldn't a guy with your IQ have a low voice too?
2. After meeting you, I've decided I am in favor of abortion in
cases of incest.
3. Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental.
4. Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you
worse advice.
5. You are as useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker.
6. You've got diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.
7. I wonder whether you'd still be an idiot if you'd had enough
oxygen at birth?
8. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
9. Your job must be to spread ignorance.
10. Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be left out
alone.
11. Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?
12. You should need a license to be that ugly.
13. Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut
it down.
14. Every boy has the right to be ugly, but you abused the
privilege.
15. Grasp your ears firmly and remove your head from your ass.
16. You have the IQ of lint.
17. You are depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
18. You are living proof that man can live without a brain.
19. People would follow you anywhere, but only out of morbid
curiosity.
20. I don't mind that you are talking so long as you don't mind
that I'm not listening.
21. I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a
vulture would eat.
22. I feel sorry for you because you are so homely but I feel
even sorrier for other people because they have to look at you.
23. I know you're a self-made man. It's nice of you to take the
blame.
24. I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be.
25. I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I
have a much lower opinion of you.
26. I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't
seem to get my head that far up my ass.
27. If I had a face like yours, I'd sue my parents.
28. If I want your stupid opinion, I'll beat it out of you.
29. If I wanted to hear from an ass, I'd fart.
30. If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself.
31. I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep
trying.
32. I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the
way of your ignorance. 
33. It is mind over matter. I don't mind, because you don't
matter.
34. I've come across decomposing bodies that are less offensive
than you are.
35. I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission.
36. Look, don't go to a mind reader; go to a palmist; I know
you've got a palm.
37. Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.
38. People can't say that you have absolutely nothing. After
all, you have inferiority!
39. Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.
40. Someone said you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up
for the pigs.
41. The inbreeding is certainly obvious in your family.
42. We all spring from apes but you didn't spring far enough.
43. We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.
44. When you fell out of the ugly tree, you hit every branch on
the way down.
45. When you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to
take care of you but the Mafia wanted too much.
46. When you were born, God admitted that even He could make a
mistake!
47. You are about as useful as a windshield wiper on a goat's
ass.
48. You are living proof that manure can grow legs and walk.
49. You have an inferiority complex - and it's fully justified.
50. Aren't you the poster child for birth control?
 
 
 

A woman found out that her husband was cheating on her while
stationed in Saudi Arabia a few months ago. So she sends him a
care package.

He is excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds
that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of
his favorite TV shows.

He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting
around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some
episodes of South Park. Right in the middle of one episode the
tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees sucking his
best friend's dick.

After a few seconds, he does his business in her mouth and she
turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie
dough. She then looks at the camera and says, "By the way, I
want a divorce."

Now THAT'S a Dear John letter!

It was the summer between my freshman and sophomore year in high
school that my friend Doug and I were out at night patrolling
the neighborhood for a potential something to do. 

This had been our nightly routine for some time now, and was
basically an excuse to walk around looking cool and smoke. The
night was going its usual pace and after an appetizer of kicking
over a few garbage cans and knocking on a couple of doors and
running away, it was time for our main course. Now when I say
"main course" don't think that there was one all-inclusive, high
and mighty event that we use to close the evening with. It was
just the time of night that we did whatever it took to exceed
our prior doings for that evening. 

It was then we saw our destiny. Across the street we spotted two
beautiful blonde girls walking together. We crossed the street,
approached them, and started our best 'slick-dick' conversation
to get them to want to hang with us. Well whatever we said, it
worked and they went off walking with us. 

I don't recall if it was Doug or I who suggested it, but we
asked them if they wanted to go have a seance in this dark alley
with us. They agreed and Doug ran home real quick to get a
candle from his house to make it official. Upon his return, we
began to make our way down the alley, already beginning to speak
of death and demons to get the girls in the mood. It's kinda
funny how when you are a teenager and you come across someone
you want to fuck (which was just about anyone), you
subconsciously do the furthest thing from sexual seduction
possible. The extent of a 'turn off' I was about to pull, was a
horror that not even I could predict. 

We made our way to a flat part of the alley, sat in a circle,
placed the candle in the center and lit it. We began our best
scare technique, that was to the best of our teenage male minds,
just what they needed to scare them into sexual submission. Our
attempt was meager at best and would have failed to scare a
toddler let alone teenage girls. It was then out of desperation,
that Doug had an idea that would send me to a state of
embarrassment and humiliation that is inconceivable. He leaned
over to me and whispered, "Why don't you pull down your pants
and fart on the candle flame. It will shoot out a big burst of
fire and that will surely scare them." Why that sounded logical
to me remains a mystery in my brain to this day but at the time
it sounded reasonable. 

I began the stealth fumbling to undo my pants and work my fart
as close to my anus as possible so it was ready to go. After I
was all prepared, I gave a look to Doug to tell him here it
goes. In one lightening fast move I stood up, pulled down my
pants and positioned my ass over the fire but when I went to
fart I shot the biggest stream of diarrhea I have ever created
in my life, all over the place. It extinguished the candle
creating an exceptionally smelly vapor. It shot all over the
laps of the girls who immediately jumped up and ran down the
ally screaming. The screaming caused all the dogs down the ally
to start barking. All the dogs barking caused numerous back
porch lights to come on. And there I stood in the middle of it
all, pants down around my ankles, dick blowin' in the wind and
shit running down my leg watching Doug run the opposite way down
the alley away from me.

A man is in a hotel lobby and wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into
a woman beside him and his elbow pokes her in the breast. They
are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft
as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in
room 436."

A young, promising medical student decides to specialize in
sexual disorders and goes to visit a facility which has just
accepted him as an intern. One of the resident physicians takes
him on a tour of the hospital.

All of a sudden, they pass a booth with a young man there
masturbating furiously. The intern turning to his superior asks
about the man's problem.

The resident responds, "Oh, that man has an enormously
over-active sex drive and has to have twenty orgasms a day or he
becomes seriously ill."

They move on through the hospital and eventually come upon
another man in a booth with his pants down around his ankles and
a beautiful blonde nurse on her knees in front of him lustily
servicing him.

The intern inquiring to this man's trouble, the resident
replies, "Same problem, better health plan."

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the
road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She
got in and crossed her legs, forcing her habit to open and
reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an
accident. After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his
hand up her leg.

The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember
psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely.
He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to
remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he
let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said,
"Father, remember psalm 129?"

Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is
weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a
meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the
church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up
psalm 129.

It said, "Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory."

A man with a 25 inch penis went to his doctor and complained he
was unable to establish an intimate relationship with a lady due
to his size. "Doctor," he asked in total frustration, "is there
any way you can shorten it?" The doctor replied, "medically son,
nothing can be done; but, I know of a witch who may be able to
help you", and he gave him directions to the witch's house.

The man calls upon the witch and explains his dilemma: "Witch,
my penis is 25 inches long, so I cannot establish an intimate
relationship with a lady?" The witch stares in amazement,
scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I have a solution
to your problem. You need to go deep in the forest to Hidden
Pond. You will see a frog sitting on a log who can solve your
dilemma. You must ask the frog, 'will you marry me?' Each time
the frog says 'NO' to your proposal, your penis will shrink five
inches." 

The man couldn't hide his excitement as he dashed into the
forest and located Hidden Pond. He called out to the frog, "will
you marry me?" The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied,
"NO!" The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches
shorter. "WOW," he screamed, "this is great!! But it's still too
long at 20 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again."
"Frog, will you marry me?", he shouted. The frog rolled its eyes
back in its head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another
twitch in his penis, looked down, and it shrank another 5
inches. The man reflected, "this is fantastic, but 15 inches is
still a monster; just a little shorter would be ideal".
Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will
you marry me?" The frog looked back across pond shaking its head
in disgust, "How many times do I have to tell you? NO! ... NO!
... and for the last time, NO!"

There once was a man who traveled to a strange foreign country,
and while he was there he found a strange old lamp of some sort.
When he got home he polished off the lamp, and out came a genie.
Then the genie said "I'll give you three wishes, but on one
condition, your mother in law gets twice as much as you wish."

So the man decided for his first wish that he wanted 1 billion
dollars, so his mother in law (who lived across the street) got
2 billion dollars. For the man's second wish he decided that he
wanted to have a 200 room mansion, so his mother in law got a
400 room mansion. For the man's last wish, he took a long time
to think it out, and then he said to the genie, "I wish you
choked me half to death."

I woke up early feeling a little depressed, because it was my
birthday and I thought, "another year older," but decided to
make the best of it. So I showered and shaved, knowing when I
went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big kiss
and say, "Happy Birthday, dear." 

All smiles I went into breakfast and there sat my wife reading
the newspaper as usual. She didn't say one word. So I got myself
a cup of coffee and thought to myself, "oh well, she just
forgot." The kids will be in a few minutes all cheers and they
will sing Happy Birthday and have a nice gift for me. 

There I sat, enjoying my coffee and I waited. Finally the kids
came running in yelling, "Give me a slice of toast. I'm late.
And where is my coat? I'm going to miss the bus!" Feeling more
depressed than ever, I left for the office. 

When I walked into the office my secretary greeted me with a
nice smile and a "Happy Birthday, Boss" and said, "I'll get you
some coffee." Her remembering made me feel a lot better. Later
in the morning my secretary knocked on my door and said since
it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together. Thinking
it would make me feel better I said that's a good idea. 

So we locked up the office and since it was my birthday I said,
"why don't we drive out of town and have lunch in the country
instead of going to the usual place." So we drove out of town
and went to a little out of the way place. We had a couple of
martinis, a nice lunch, and started driving back to town when my
secretary said, "why don't we go by my place and I will fix you
another martini."

It sounded like a good idea since we didn't have anything to do
in the office anyway. So we went to her apartment and she fixed
us both a martini. After a while she said, "Will you excuse me,
I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and left
the room. In six minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came
out carrying a big birthday cake. Following her were my wife and
all my kids and there I sat, with nothing on but my socks.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus;

Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem
story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the
person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will
write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will
read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the
story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so
on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written
each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over
when both agree a conclusion has been reached. And now, the
Assignment as submitted by

Rebecca & Gary:

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted.
The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings
at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said in
happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must
now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness
was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her
asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the
question.

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack
squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things
to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic
bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over
a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his
transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of
resistance so far...". But before he could sign off a bluish
particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through
his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him
flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before
he felt one last pang of regret for physically brutalizing the
one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards,
Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful
farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing
War and Space Travel", Laurie read in her newspaper one morning.
The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared
out the window, dreaming of her youth when the days had passed
unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no
television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at
all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's
innocence to become a woman?", she pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu-udrian mothership
launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The
dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace
Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless
target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to
destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of
the treaty the Anu-udrian ships were on course for Earth,
carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With
no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical
plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere
unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine
headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85
million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the
conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that
treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature.
My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate
adolescent.

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose
attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

Asshole.

Bitch.

An old man in Austin calls his son in Dodge City (Kansas). The
conversation goes as follows.

Dad: Son, I hate to bring you the bad news ... but your mother
and I, we are getting a divorce ...

Son: WHAT?? You can't! What about -

Dad: I'm sorry son! 45 years of misery is ENOUGH!! Now, I am
sick of talking about it, call your sister and tell her! (CLICK)

The son, nearly in tears calls his sister in New Orleans. The
conversation goes as follows. 

Brother: Sis, Your not gonna believe this! MOM AND DAD ARE
GETTING A ... A ... DIVORCE!! 

Sister: WHAT?!? OH NO THEY AREN'T! You stay put. I'll call you
right back!! (CLICK)

The sister, calls the parents in Austin and the conversation
goes as follows. 

Daughter: YOU TWO ARE NOT GETTNG A DIVORCE!!

Dad: Honey, listen -

Daughter: NO YOU LISTEN! YOU ARE NOT GETTING A DIVORCE! YOU KNOW
WHAT? YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING! I'M CALLING BROTHER BACK, WE'LL BE
THERE THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW! DON'T DO ANYTHING! (CLICK)

The father hangs up calmly and bounces his news paper to allign
it to his liking. He looked at his wife and said "Well, they are
coming for Thanksgiving and are paying their own fares, what
shall we tell them on Christmas?"

When I went to a restaraunt a while ago,

I knocked my spoon off the table.

A waiter immediateley swooped ov, picked up my spoon,

and put another spoon from his pocket on the table.

"Thanx" I said. "Where'd you get that idea?"

"Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some
consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and
after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our
patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other
utensil; at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By
preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we
can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time...nearly 1.5
extra man-hours per shift." Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching"
came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen
spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the
next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip,"
he proudly explained. I was impressed.

"Thanks. I had to ask."

"No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders.

As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes
darted back & forth from each person ordering and my menu.
That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin,
black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I
dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there
were other waiters and busboys with strings hanging out of their
trousers. My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so
before he could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but...uh...why,
or what...about that string?"

"Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that
observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time
in the men's room, too."

"How's that?"

"You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh, selves, we
can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby
eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the
restroom by over 93%!"

"Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking through the
process, I asked, "Hey, wait a minute. If the string helps you
pull it out, how do you get it back in?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys; but I
use my spoon."

A man is having terrible headaches. He can't sleep, eat, think,
or do much of anything because of the pain. Several doctors
examined him and couldn't determine the cause of his problem. He
finally went to one of the top neurological specialists in the
country who examines him and says, "I've found the cause of the
pain. Your testicles are pushing up into your spine. The
constant pressureon the spine causes the headaches. The only
thing I can do is perform surgery and remove your testicles."

The man is shocked to hear this but the decision is not
difficult as he know he cannot stand the pain of the headaches.
He has the surgery and immediately fells like a new man. The
pain is completely gone and he feels like he has a new life. He
is so happy he decides to buy himself a new suit. He goes to a
small men's shop and tells the old tailor that he wants to buy a
suit.

"Sure," says the tailor. "You're a 42 long, right?"

"Wow, how did you know?" says the man.

"Hey, I've been in this business a long time. You learn a few
things" said the tailor."

The tailor brought the man a suit that fit perfectly. It looked
so good that the man decided to buy a new shirt to go with it.

"16, 34, right?" said the tailor. 

"Right again!" said the man. "You're amazing."

"Hey, I've been in this business a long time. You learn a few
things".

The tailor brought a shirt and tie and they looked great. The
man said, "Hey, let's go for broke. Give me a pair of the silk
boxers too." 

The tailor said, "36 right?"

"I'm disappointed," said the man. "But 2 out of 3 is still good.
I wear size 34 boxers."

The tailor said, "Hey, I've been in this business for a long
time and I think you need 36."

The man replied, "It's obvious you know your business but I've
worn size 34 for as long as I can remember. I'm going to have to
disagree with you on this one".

"Hey look," said the tailor, "I'll sell you whatever you want.
But I've been in this business a long time. If you wear a size
34 it's gonna push your nuts up into your spine and give you
terrible headaches."

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting
pregnant, and calls a vet for help.

The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The
farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to
display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs
are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and
will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion
that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs himself.
So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has
sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all
still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and
loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, has sex
with each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. 

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One
more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them
out to the woods. He spends all day with them and, upon returning home,
falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the
pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in
the mud.

"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the
horn."

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.
So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes
into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees
a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple
of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her
apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and
says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you
got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which
he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty
pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!"

"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you
asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the
vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had
a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed
with her."

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn
liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"
 
 
 
A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down
the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an
hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins
to speed up. When the spedometer hits 100 she starts to strip.
When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her
that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is
thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend
are trapped in the car.

"Go get help." he pleads. She replies, "I can't, I'm naked." He
points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says, "Cover your
snatch with that and go get help." She takes the shoe, covers
herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she
arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "Help! Help!
My boyfriend's stuck!"

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and
replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."
 
 
Guy's, these are mistakes we are said to of made,
so read on and learn;
1. NOT KISSING FIRST.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones
makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get
your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper
passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

2. BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well,
there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if
you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday
cake. That hurts.

3. NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin
which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs.
When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion,
it's avoidance.

4. SQUEEZING HER BREAST. 
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when
they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them. 

5. BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like
they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are
highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck
them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good.
Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.

6. TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between
finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a
hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation
points.

7. IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville
East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of
her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing
straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some
attention.

8. GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in
tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that
aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off. 

9. LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you
store it.

10. ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. 
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your
fingers along side of the clitoris.

11. STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you
stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell
she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12. UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked
at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like
an elegant present, not a kid's toy.

13. GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy.
Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back
and forth is not. 

14. BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still
believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your
hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up
a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful,
it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more
attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at
first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes
it.

15. MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get
her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees
are not.

16. UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made
some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just
undoing a couple of buttons. 

17. TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks
first.

18. GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing
you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll
soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your
technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular
thrusts.

19. GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hipbones into her thigh or
stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding
concentrated into a few seconds. 

20. COMING TOO SOON.
Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the
whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure
her pleasure too. 

21. NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing
is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark
of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so
she has something to hold her interest while you're playing
Marathon Man.

22. ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But
if you really don't know, don't ask.

23. PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
It's good to start out slow and gentle, but move on from that.
Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole
mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking
your tongue on her clitoris. 

24. NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping
that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate
this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by
their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try
talking seductively to her.

25. NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody
likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you
come so she can do what's necessary. 

26. MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just
lie there. And don't grab her head.

27. TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over
them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.

28. MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she
does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she
doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And
let her have a rest.

29. ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow
directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And
don't think that being drunk is an excuse. 

30. TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the
words to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of
them. 

31. NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to
pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice
and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent
dye are a no no. 

32. SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching
contest.

33. ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's
a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you
want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

34. LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because
they have a prostate. Women don't. 

35. GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of
the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear
turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.

36. BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's
not a big turn-on. 

37. TALKING DIRTY.
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900
line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.

38. NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it
right, and she might even do the same for you.

39. SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit
too heavily, she will turn blue. 

40. NEVER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not
a soup kitchen.
 
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After
his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease,
combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following,
your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and
make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious
meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't
burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't
discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress
worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several
times a week and satisfy his every whim." If you can do this for
the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain
his health completely.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife.

"What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.
 
 
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three
young mothers and their small children. "You all have
obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by
the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
 
Alex sets up his friend Bob to go on a blind date with his
cousin.

Bob is a little worried about going out with someone he's never
seen before. "What do I do if she's ugly?" says Bob, "I'll be
with her all night."

"Don't worry," Alex says, "just go up to her door and meet her
first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as
planned. If you don't, just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake a
heart attack."

That night Bob knocks at the girl's door. When she comes out he
is awe-struck at how hot and sexy she is. He's about to speak
when the girl suddenly grabs for her chest and lets out a loud
... "Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"
 
 
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want
the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women
on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their
women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and
there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their
women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their
women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created,
you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the
only,one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell
them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
 
 
There was a professor who everyday would start off his class
with a dirty joke. Some of the girls in his class were fed up at
this and decided to leave as soon as he started to tell his joke
the next class. The professor caught wind of their plan and the
next class he began his joke and said, "Lately there's been a
critical shortage of whores in China." The girls all stood up
and began to walk towards the door. And the professor said,
"Whoa hold on girls, the boat doesnt leave till tommorow!"
 
 
Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for
a day:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping-pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes BEFORE closing
   time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more
   without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it
   recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

And, the number one thing men would do if they woke up with a
vagina:

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

Top ten things women would do if they woke up and had a penis
for a day:

10. Get ahead faster in the corporate world.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat. 
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine why you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging
   orgasm.
4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought as to how
   improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as
   funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction
   which occurs between a man's eye and the ruler situated next
   to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final
   measurement. 

And the number one thing women would do if they woke up with a
penis...

1. Repeat number 9.
 
 This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully
enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the
back of his head with a huge frying pan.

Man:  "What was that for?"

Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name
       Marylou written on it?"

Man:  "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races?
       Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."

The wife looked all satisfied and goes off to work around the house.

Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she
repeats the frying pan swatting.

Man:  "What the hell was that for this time?"

Wife: "Your horse called."
 
 
A woman walked into an antique store that was down the street
from her home. As she wondered around the store the clerk asked
her what she was interested in. She said she was interested in
buying a mirror.

He showed her a couple mirrors then told her he had a special,
magic mirror in the back. She laughed, and said yeah, right! He
showed her to the mirror and told her: All you have to say is
"Mirror Mirror on the door" then asked for anything. She gave it
a try.

Mirror Mirror on the door---Make my breasts a 44

"KABOOM"

She had some huge breasts.

She ran down the street to her house to show her husband. He
seen her and said "damn, what the hell happened"? she told him
of the magic mirror on the corner. He raced out the door headed
to the antique shop. As he arrived he told the clerk he wanted
to try the magic mirror. The clerk took him out back where the
mirror was and told him what to say. The man looked at the
mirror and said 

Mirror Mirror on the door--make my dick touch the floor

"KABOOM"

His legs fell off.
 
 
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in
the same sleeping carriage of a train. 

After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to
sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the
middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to
bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you
could possibly pass me another blanket." 

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got
a better idea... let's pretend we're married." 

"Why not," giggles the woman. "Good," he replies. "Get your own
blanket."
 
Getting prepared for plastic surgery on his male member his
doctor asks, "I can't help but be curious. What happened to you?
You're a mess." "Well, it's like this doc, I live in a trailer
park and my next door neighbor is a woman who is built like a
brick shit house. Every night she takes a wiener out of the
fridge puts it in a hole in the floor and masturbates on it.

I was thinking that this is a real waste of pussy! So I got the
bright idea to get under her trailer, remove the wiener and
replaced it with my dick. All was going well until someone
knocked on her door and she tried to kick it under the stove!"
 
 
Man and a woman had been dating for about a year and their
relationship was taking a turn towards getting serious. Man
proposed and she accepted, however she told him that she wanted
him to know that her chest was just like a babys. He said that
he loved her and that her measurements didn't matter to him. He
also told her that his penis was also like a baby. She said that
she loved him and size didn't matter.

Come the day of the wedding and all went well. That night the
happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at the resort
hotel. The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy
nightie. Her husband was in the bed waiting. As she entered the
bedroom, she reminded him of her confession about her chest
being like a baby.

"Don't worry honey" he said. She took her night gown off and her
breasts were the smallest he had ever seen. He said that he was
going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession about
his penis being like a baby.

As he took his pants off the new bride said, "Good God All
Mighty. I thought you said your penis was like a baby" "It is,"
he said, "9 pounds and 21 inches long!"
 
What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up, Your stuff is
lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do
laundry right now!

What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
 
Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go and deliver a
basket of goodies to Grandmother when her mother stopped her,
saying "Little Red, you had better be careful in the woods
because the Big Bad Wolf is out today. If he catches you, he is
going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little
red panties and fuck your little red socks off."

"Oh I'll be all right," Little Red answered as she pulled out a
rather large shotgun from the basket she was carrying. Assured
that her daughter would be safe, she allowed Little Red to leave
the house and begin the journey to Grandmother's house.

Along the trail in the woods Little Red came across her friends
the three little pigs (don't ask what they are doing in the
woods, after all it is just a joke) 

"Little Red, Little Red," they called to her, "you had better be
careful because the Big Bad Wolf is in the woods today. He said
that if he catches you, he is going to lift up your little red
dress, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little
red socks off."

After showing them the shotgun and assuring her friends that she
would be all right, Little Red continued her journey to
Grandmother's.

Just then the Big Bad Wolf appeared and he said, "Little Red at
last I found you. You know what's going to happen now, right? I
am going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little
red panties and fuck your little red socks off."

"I don't think so..." Little Red replied as she leveled the
shotgun at the wolf. She then lifted up her little red dress,
and pulled down her little red panties and said, "you're going
to eat me just like the book says...."
 
 
A renowned heart surgeon in LA died. The funeral was lavish,
with the coffin placed in front of a mammoth heart replica. As
the minister finished with the eulogy, there was barely a dry
eye in the room. 

At the end of the service, the heart opened and the coffin
slowly rolled inside. At that moment one of the mourners was
having serious difficulty stifling the giggles. The guy next to
him, a good friend of the deceased asked, "Why are you
laughing?" "I don't mean any disrespect. I was just thinking
about my own funeral," the man replied. "What's so funny about
that?" "I'm a gynecologist!"
 
 
A man was flying on an airplane and needed to take a shit. He
went to the back of the airplane and noticed that the man's
washroom had a big line and the woman's had no line. He went to
the flight attendant and asked, "Could I quickly use the woman's
washroom?" "Yes, but don't touch any of the buttons." The flight
attendant said. The man entered and saw a button labelled W. He
pushed it and water got sprayed on his ass. This is great, he
thought. He saw a button labelled BP. He pushed it and he got
his buns powdered. Perfect, he thought. The man saw a third
button labelled ATR. He pushed it and he fainted. The next thing
he knew, he was on a stretcher. The flight attendant looked down
at him and said, "I told you not to push the automatic tampon
remover."
 
 
On their first night together, a newlywed couple gets ready for
bed. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and
wearing a beautiful robe.

The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can
open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and
he is astonished with her beauty.

"Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful,
let me take your picture." Puzzled she asks, "MY picture?" He
answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my
heart forever."

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the
bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new
wife asks, "Why are you wearing a robe, we are married now." The
man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get
a picture". He beams and asks, "Why?"

She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED"!
 
Little Johnny was about 10 years old and curious as only a boy
should be. He had been hearing a lot about courting from other
boys so he asked his mother how it was done. She told him to
hide behind the curtains some night and watch his sister and her
boyfriend. So Johnny did and this is what happened (or at least
his version).

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked awhile, then turned out
all the lights except the blue one, then he started kissing her,
and for some reason he put his hand inside her blouse. She
started giggling and ooing, then he put his hand up her skirt,
when he did this she began to moan and sigh.

Then she slowly moved to the other end of the couch till she was
lying down. I think she had a backache, then he rolled over and
unzipped his pants and pulled out a Texas Eel. I don't know what
it was doing in there but it was 8" long and 2" wide. He held it
in his hands so it wouldn't get away. Sis tried to help him, so
she got a tight grip on it, she spread her legs far apart and
stuck this eel between her legs and got a good scissors hold on
it. He helped by lying on top of Sis to keep the eel from moving.

The eel put up a hell of a fight though. Sis squalled and her
boyfriend nearly up set the couch. For a minute there I thought
the damn thing was getting away but Sis grabbed it just as it
was slipping out and stuck it back in.

Soon they both gave a large sigh and stopped moving. First they
let the eel move but it didn't. It tried to get away but her
boyfriend got up and the thing was dead. It just hung there
limber as a hot water bottle and its end was dripping. Sis and
her boyfriend were all tired out from the battle. They started
kissing and loving again and by God if that damn thing didn't
come back to life again, so the battle started again.

Well it sure was the best wrestling match I ever saw. This time
they really killed the eel. I saw her boyfriend pull its skin
off and flush it down the toilet."
 
 
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.
But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to
hold me." The husband says "WHAT??"

The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as
a Woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might
as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a
big dept. store.

He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then
tells his wife. We'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets
matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and
gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her
husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis
bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you
like it then lets get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she
cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go
to the cash register."

The husband says," no - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this
stuff." 

The wife's face goes blank.

"No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the husband
says,

"You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!!!!
 
 
A husband and wife decided they needed to use code to indicate
that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in
on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell
your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter." The child told
her mother what her dad said and her mom responded, "Tell your
daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there is a
red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her
father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he
can type that letter now." The child told her father, returned
to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the
typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
 
 
Three nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St. Peter
at the pearly gates. St. Pete says, "Ladies, you all led such
wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to
Earth and be anyone you want."

The first nun says, "I want to be Bo Derek," and POOF she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna," and POOF she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Virginia Pepalini."

St Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Virginia Pepalini." replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, that name just
doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to
St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing.

He hands it back to her and says, "No Sister, this says the
Virginia Pipeline was laid by 500 men in 7 days!"
 
 
Once upon a time there was a young red neck by the name of Jack.
Jack lived and worked on a farm with the farmer, the farmers
wife and their daughter Mabel.

One fine day as Jack was attending to his daily chores he saw
Mabel bending over to milk the cow. He felt himself become
aroused for the first time and shocked, ran to find the farmer
to explain this strange phenomena. 

Upon finding the farmer he proceded to drop his trousers and
whip out his stiff trouser snake much to the horror of the
farmer.
"Farmer, farmer," Jack cried, "what is happening to my penis?"
"Now settle down and put that thing away." said the farmer.
"Don't worry about it. It happens to all men."
"But i don't like it!" cried Jack.
"Well then," said the farmer, "next time it happens just go into
the milk shed, get some cow shit and rub it on your dick. It'll
go down quick smart, trust me."

The next day Jack was passing by the house when he looked in and
saw the farmers wife having a shower. Feeling his member getting
hard he rushed into the cow shed, dropped his pants and picked
up two handfulls of shit. Just then Mabel walked into the shed.
"What are you doing Jack?" asked Mabel.
"Well," Jack replied,"I'm gonna rub this shit on my dick to make
it go down."
"That would be a waste." Mabel said as she laid down on the
ground and lifted her skirt. "Why don't you stick it up here?"

So he did. Both handfulls.
 
The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on
multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask
a few of the children examples of words with more than one
syllable. 

"Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?" 

"After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday." 

"Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day" 

"Does anyone know another word." 

"I do! I do!" replied Johnny. 

Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike
instead. 

"OK Mike, what is your word." 

"Saturday." says Mike. 

"Great, that has three syllables..." 

Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable
word. Pick me! Pick me!" 

Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the
teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four
syllable word?" 

Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion." 

Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow,
Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful." 

"No Ma'am, you're thinking of 'blowjob', that's only two
syllables!"
 
 
Two men were walking in a forrest one day when they came upon a
farm house. They knocked on the door and the farmer came up.
"Can we stay here tonight, sir? We are tired and hungary and
need some place to sleep." The farmer replied, "If you want to
stay here, you must have sex with my daughter." And a fat
18-year old daughter walks down the stairs. One man replied,
"Na, I'd rather stay out here in the snow and cold." The other
man said, "Yeah, I guess I'll do it."

After a well-cooked and hardy meal, he put a ear of corn in his
pocket. The farmer said to him, "Now you must go up and have sex
with my daughter." He walked in the bedroom and saw the farmer's
daughter laying on the bed naked. "Do you mind if I blindfold
you? It's a lot more fun!" he said. "Sure!" she exclaimed. So he
blindfolded her, took out the corn, and used the corn in place
of his dick. When he was done and she was satisfied, he threw
the corn out the window. That night he slept the best he had
slept in a long time. He came downstairs, thanked the farmer,
and walked out the door. The other man ran up to him with the
empty ear of corn and exclaimed, "Thank you so much! If it
wasn't for that hot-buttered corn I wouldn't have survived!"
 
What girls say . . . what they mean
------------------------------------ 

*Can't we just be friends? 
There is no way in hell I am going to let any part of your body
touch any part of mine again.

*I just need some space 
...without you in it

*Can you help me with my homework? 
If I keep whining, the fool will do it for me.

*Do I look fat in this dress? 
We haven't had a fight in a while.

*No, pizza's fine 
Cheap bastard

*I just do not want a boyfriend now 
I just do not want (you as) a boyfriend

*I don't know; what do you want to do? 
I can't believe that you have nothing planned

*Come here 
My puppy does this too

*I like you but... 
I don't like you

*You never listen 
You never listen

*We're moving too quickly 
I am not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy in
Bio has a girlfriend

*I'll be ready in a minute 
I AM ready, but I am going to make you wait because I know you
will.

*Oh, no, I will pay for myself 
I am just being nice; there is no way I am going dutch

*Oh Yes! Right there 
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with

*I'm just going out with the girls 
We are gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends

*There's no one else 
I am doing your brother

*Size doesn't count... 
unless I want an orgasm



What guys say . . . what they mean
-----------------------------------

*It is just orange juice, try it 
3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head.

*She's kind of cute 
I want to bang her till I am blue

*I don't know if I like her 
She won't blow me

*I need you 
My hand is tired

*I had her 
I had (wet dreams about) her all week.

*I really want to get to know you better... 
so I can tell my friends about it

*How do I compare with all your other boyfriends? 
Is my penis really that small?

*You're the only girl I've ever cared about 
You are the only girl who has not rejected me

*I want you back...
for tonight anyway

*We've been through so much together 
If it was not for you, I never would have lost my virginity

*I miss you so much 
I am so horny that my roommate is starting to look good

*No, I do not want to dance right now 
Shoot! She'll know that I have a hard-on

*The break-up should not start until 24 hours 
I want to have sex a few more times

*I am different from all the other guys 
I am not circumcised
 
 

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles
lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air.
She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he
said, as gently as he could,

"I'm afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy."

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?"
asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Piddles'
legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be
easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg
and lift Piddles up to heaven."

Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles' death quite well.
However, two days later when her father came home from work,
Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this
morning."

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the
girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"

"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning
I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she
was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it
hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would
definitely have gone, Daddy".

A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He
asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference
between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display
it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert
Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she
would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back
and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out
what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave
you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His
mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her
face says, "Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."

Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone
gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His
sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've
figured it out. Potentially, we're sitting on two million bucks,
but in reality, we're living with a couple of sluts."

The lovers passionately embraced while lying on her bed. Their bodies
fused together as they gyrated and panted. Then, suddenly the woman cocked
her ear. "Quick, my husband is coming through the front door. Hide in the
bathroom," she cried.

The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed. Just
as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door. "What are
you doing lying naked on the bed?" He asked.

"Darling, I heard you coming up the driveway and got ready to receive
you." She replied with a wink and a smile.

"Great" he said, "I'll just run into the bathroom and I'll be with you in
two shakes."

She panicked. Before she could stop him, he was in the bathroom. He found
a man clapping his hands together in mid air. Dumfounded, he asked, "Who
the devil are you?"

"I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of
these pesky moths." The lover replied.

The husband yelled, "But you've got no clothes on!!!"

The lover looked down at his body, jumped backwards in surprise and said,
"The little bastards."
Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady
luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial
lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but,
unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask
her the big question.

Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her
husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I
knew what the answers are! You know I'm not going to sleep at
all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.

"Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all
be OK."

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys
and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane
asked.

"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon."

After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a
very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's
question and answer!"

"What is it?" she cried excitedly.

"OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male
anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the
penis.'" The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at
ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.

At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was
asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the
penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And
Roger asked her again in the

morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again,
Jane replied correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show.
Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel
butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after
reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane
and asked the big question.

"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy?
You have 10 seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously.

"Very good. Six seconds."

"Eh, uh, the heart?"

"Very good! Four seconds."

"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last
night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough!" said the game show host,
"CONGRATULATIONS!!"
 
The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals, a
carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist, were deciding what
pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night. The
carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them
a chuckle or two. The electrician decided to wire the bed. The
dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and
promised it would be memorable. The nuptials went as planned and
a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the
following note:

  DEAR FRIENDS,
  WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED.  
  THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK.  
  BUT I SWEAR BY GOD ALMIGHTY, I'M GOING TO KILL WHOEVER PUT
  NOVOCAINE IN THE K-Y JELLY!"
 
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time
came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on
them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing
that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.
Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of
chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well,
the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report,
so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie.
"Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she
missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next
door shot himself."
 
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.
When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling
humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and
he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth
move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

The case came before the court, and when asked why he acted in
such a manner, the man replied, "When the lady boarded the bus I
couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an
advertisement which read, 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.'
Then she moved under one that read, 'Sloans Liniments Remove
Swelling.' I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving
advertisement which read, 'William's Stick Did The Trick.' Then
I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move
she sat under an advertisement which read, 'Dunlop Rubber would
have prevented this accident.'" He won the case.
 
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing an expensive red silk blouse, a black
leather mini skirt and high heeled boots. I am tanned and very
buffed. I workout everyday. My measurements are 36-24-36. What
do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3 and about 250 lb. I wear glasses and have on a
pair of blue sweatpants I just bought at Walmart. I'm also
wearing an old T-shirt, it's got some barbecue sauce stains on
it and it smells kind of funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music
playing on the stereo and candles on my nightstand. I look up
into your eyes and I'm smiling. My hand works its way down to
your crotch and I begin to feel your huge swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping. I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now, I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are
trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and I'm sliding it
softly off.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk
slides off of my warm body. I'm rubbing your bulge faster now,
rubbing and pulling.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and tears a hole in
your blouse. I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's, OK. It wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it! I'm wearing a lacy black bra,
my soft breasts are rising and falling as I breathe harder and
harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp of your bra, I think it's
stuck. Do you have scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly, I reach behind
my back and undo the clasp. My bra slides off. The cool air
caresses my breasts, my nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and
inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby, I just want to feel
your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know,
breasts They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm
nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit
and phlegm.

Sweetheart: WHAT?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off of my breasts with the
remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking your sopping wet blouse from you and
throwing it in the corner of the room.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweatpants down and rubbing
your hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman! Your hands are cold! Yeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all
over, in and out and nibbling on you. ummm, wait a second.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Is there anything I can do to help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen. Choking wildly. Looking
for a cup. Where do you keep your cups??

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink!

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm aching for you lover.

Wellhung: Now I'm drying the cup. I'm putting it back in the
cabinet and now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait it's dark,
I'm lost. Where is the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tugging off your pants. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: I kiss you passionately. Our naked bodies pressed
against each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take your glasses off?

Wellhung: OK. But I can't see very well. I'm placing my glasses
on the nightstand.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly to the
bathroom

Sweetheart: Hurry back lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around
for the toilet and lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush
handle.......uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I just realized I peed in your hamper. Sorry again. I'm
walking back to the bed now. Blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: Now I'm going to put my, you know, thing in your umm,
woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, Baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice.
Ma'am, I'm having a little problem here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth. I can't wait
another second. Slide it in! Screw me!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: WHAT?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous
look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener
all floppy. I'm looking for my glasses to see what the problem
is.

Sweetheart: NO! Never mind. I'm getting dressed, I'm putting on
my underwear and my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait. I can't find the night table. I'm reaching
across the dresser, knocking off cans of hairspray, your picture
frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: Now I've found my glasses. My God! One of your candles
fell on the curtain! The curtain is on fire. I'm pointing at it
with
a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell! I'm logging off, LOSER!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Nooooooo!


USER 'SWEETHEART' HAS LOGGED OFF 
 
My Friend...

When you are sad, I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge
against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

When you are blue, I'll dislodge whatever is choking you.

When you smile, I'll know you finally got laid.

When you are scared, I will rag you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how
much worse it can be and to quit whining.

When you are confused, I will use little words to explain it to
your sorry ass.

When you are sick, stay away from me until you are well again. I
don't want whatever you have.

When you fall, I will point and laugh at your sorry ass.

This is my oath, I pledge till the end. Why you may ask? Because
you're my friend.
 
Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but
there's no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie- The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the
toilet, but there's nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it
still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper
between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with
skid marks. 

Second Wave Poopie- It happens when your done poopie-ing, and
you have pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize you
have to poopie some more.

Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie- The kind where you strain so
much to get it out, you almost have a stroke. 

Richard Simmons Poopie- You poopie so much you lose 30 pounds. 

Lincoln Log Poopie- The kind of poopie that is so huge, you're
afraid to flush without breaking it up into little pieces with
the toilet brush. 

Corn Poopie- Self Explanatory! 

Gee, I Wish I Could Poopie, Poopie- It's the kind where you want
to poopie real bad, but all you do is sit, cramp, and fart a few
times. 

Spinal Tap Poopie- That's where it hurts so bad coming out,
you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.

Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump)- The kind that comes out of
your rectum so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water. 

Liquid Poopie- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out
of your butt and splatters all over the toilet, and at the same
time chronically burns your tender poop chute.

Mexican Food Poopie- It smells so bad the room is condemned. 

The Girlie Poopie- The people that think their poopie doesn't
stink..

Fisherman's Bobber Poopie- That's the kind where you're in the
public rest-room, and there are two people waiting for your
stall. You poopie and flush two times, but several golf
ball-sized pieces are still floating on the water..

The VanGough Poopie- That's where after you poopie, you are
shocked to see all the different colors in your poopie, and try
to figure out what you ate to do it again.

The Show-and-Tell Poopie- You're so impressed with your own
poopie, you leave it in the bowl so all your friends can
appreciate it too 

The Wipers Nightmare- That's the kind that breaks off too soon,
so half falls in to the bowl and half stays hanging. 

Ambush Poopie- That's when your in public and you think you have
to fart, but you get a sneak attack squirt instead.

Paralyzing Poopie- When you're sitting poopie-ing so long your
legs fall asleep.

He Just Poopied, Poopie- When you get done poopie-ing, you put
your shorts back on and go out in public with those identifying
bright red pressure circles on the back of your legs for all to
see.

The "What Crawled Up Your Butt & Died?" Poopie- Also sometimes
referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone
of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead, you stand innocently
near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and
gasping for air. 

The Snake Charmer Poopie- A long skinny poopie which has managed
to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless. 

The Ritual Poopie- This poopie occurs at the same time each day
and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper. 

The Ranger Poopie- A poopie which refuses to let go. It is
usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but
quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small
piece of toilet paper. 

The Premeditated Poopie- Laxative induced. Doesn't count. 

The Porridge Poopie- The type that comes out like toothpaste,
and justkeeps on coming. You have two choices: 1) Flush and keep
going. 2) Risk it piling up to your crack while you sit there
helpless. 

The Pebbles-From-Heaven Poopie- An adorable collection of small
turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you cannot
poopie. 

The Peek-A-Boo Poopie- Now you see it, now you don't! This
poopie is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle
control.

The Mood Enhancer- This poopie occurs after a lengthy period of
constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.

The "I Think I'm A Bunny" Poopie- When you drop lots of cute,
little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing
sounds when they hit the water.

The "I'm Going To Chew My Food Better" Poopie- When the bag of
Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your poop
shoot on the way out in the morning.

The Honeymoon's Over Poopie- This is any poopie created in the
presence of another person.

The Groaner- A poopie so huge it cannot exit without vocal
assistance.

The Energizer Poopie- "Still Going!" 

The Crowd Pleaser- This poopie is so intriguing in size and/or
appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing. 

The Cliffhanger- Where you just sit there patiently and wait for
the last cling-on to drop off, because if you wipe now it's
going to smear all over the place.

The Back-To-Nature Poopie- This poopie may be of any variety but
is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind
the passenger side of your car. Beware of poison ivy wipes. 

The Aftershock Poopie- This poopie has an odor so powerful that
anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is
affected. 

The Terminator- You poopie so hard you fall off the toilet. 

T2- More extreme then The Terminator, you require some medical
assistance to restart your heart. Clear!

The Cowboy- You've got to poopie so bad that you proceed to buck
and holler until finally the poopie's been tamed.

The Runner's Poopie- Experienced by long distance runners who
don't want to stop so they poopie in their shorts. (inspired by
Jeff Reigal of BadAxe, MI)

Poopszopherenia- Fear of poopie-ing, can be fatal! 

The Pool Poopie- Usually performed by younger children. It's too
much fun in the pool so why get out? Makes a great floatie toy
afterwards! 

Painter's Poopie- You're up on the scaffolding and it takes to
long to get down so you just cramp it and wait.

Lost Poopie- That's when there's a poopie in the urinal.
 
 
In the garden of Eden,
As everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve,
Without any clothes.

In this garden,
Were two little leaves,
One covered Adam's,
One covered Eve's.

As the story goes on,
Never the less to say,
The wind came along,
And  blew the leaves away.

At the sight,
Adam did stare.
There was Eve's treasure,
All covered with hair.

And wonder came
Under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing
Started to rise.

They found a spot
That suited them best.
A nice big tree
Where they began to rest.

Her legs spread wider,
And wider apart,
While thrill after thrill
Came into her heart.

The head of Adam's thing
Peeked into the hole,
And filled her with passion,
Beyond her control.

Backward and forward,
His thing did slide.
And Eve's treasure
Was all wet inside.

The joy was good,
She wouldn't let loose.
Until Adam's thing,
Was all out of juice.

Then down through the years,
People did screw.
And now it is time,
For me and you.

So pull down your pants,
And lay in the grass,
Cause I'm in the mood,
For a piece of that Ass!
 
 
This man and this woman are riding next to each other in first
class. The man sneezes, pulls out his dick and wipes the tip
off. 

The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is
hallucinating. 

A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his dick
and wipes the tip off. 

The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a
rude person exists. 

A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his dick
out and wipes the tip off. 

The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says,
"Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your
penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell are you?" 

The man replies, "I have a very rare condition such that when I
sneeze, I have an orgasm." 

The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for
it?" 

The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."
 
 
Three couples were attempting to be admitted into a new church.
The priest said, "Well, the only way that you can get into my
church is that you must abstain from having sex for two weeks." 

"No problem!" said all three couples.

Two weeks later, the three couples returned to the church. "It
was a piece of cake. We didn't have sex for two weeks straight."
said the elderly couple.

"It was kind of difficult, but we made it. We didn't have sex
for two weeks straight." said the middle-aged couple. 

"Well, we made it through the first five days or so, but then,
as my wife was bending over to pick up a can of paint, I just
had to give it to her right then and there." said the newlywed
couple.

The priest was stunned. "You do realize that you aren't welcome
in this church, don't you?" 

The couple shrugged it off. "That's ok. We aren't welcome in
Home Depot anymore, either."
 
 
A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married
12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal
suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom,
"Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin."

This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought
that at least one of her husbands would have been able to
perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon. She
responded:

My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire
marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, 'It's gonna be great!'

My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite
sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send
me documentation.

My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said
that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn't get
the system up.

My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply
said, 'Those who can, do; those who can't, teach.'

My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department and said
that he had the orders, but he wasn't quite sure when he was
going to be able to deliver.

My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood
the basic process but needed three years to research, implement,
and design a new state-of-the-art method.

My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His
comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether
it was his job.

My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me
that he was up to the standards but that regulations said
nothing about how to do it.

My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, 'I know I
have the product. I'm just not sure how to position it.'

My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to
do was talk about it.

My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted
to do was look at it.

My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted
to do was--God I miss him!

So now I have married a lawyer, so I know I'm going to get
screwed.
 
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, then why do we still
   have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where
   all the bad girls live.

6. I went to the bookstore and asked the sales clerk, "Where's
   the self-help section?" She said that if she told me it would
   defeat the purpose.

7. Could it be that all of those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets
   aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If a man is walking around the middle of the forest speaking
   and there is no women around to hear him, is he still wrong?

10.If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill
   himself, is it a hostage situation?

11.Is there another word for synonym?

12.Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do
   practice?
 
13.Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

14.What do you do when you see an endangered animal eat an
   endangered plant?

15.If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16.Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17.Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?  Are they afraid
   someone will clean them?

18.If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he considered homeless
   or naked?

19.Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20.Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21.If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the
   right to remain silent?

22.Why do they put braille on drive-through bank machines?

23.How do they get the deer to cross at the yellow signs?

24.Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste
   funny?

25.What was the best thing before sliced bread?

26.Here's something you never hear a man say: "After I shove
   this hot poker up my ass I'm going to chop my dick off."

27.Another thing you'll never hear a man say: "Stop sucking my
   dick or I will call the cops."

28.Life's not that tough.  You wake up, go to work, eat three
   meals, take one good shit and go back to bed.

29.Why are boxing rings square?
 
 
It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You
put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses
to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and
you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but
it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He
probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle
like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and
tells you to trust him--he's done this many times before. His
cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room
for an ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry,
but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little
pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel
the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you
feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at
you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are
filled with tears but you shake you head and nod for him to go
on. He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too
numb to feel him within you. After a few frenzied moments, you
feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you,
you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and
smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle, that you have been
his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and
thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a
tooth pulled.

Naughty, Naughty!

What were you thinkin'?
 
 
After a nasty divorce, this man decides to go on a vacation to
Egypt. While there, he finds a magic lamp and rubs it. A genie
comes about and says, "I'll give you three wishes, but your
ex-wife will get the same thing that you wish for."

The man thinks, and says, "I wish for five million dollars." The
genie says "You know your ex-wife will get the same thing,
right?" The man nods his head, and gets his money.

For his second wish, he wishes for a new computer. Instantly, he
and his ex-wife have a new computer.

The genie asks, "What is your final wish?" The man answers, "I
wish I had a 10-inch dick."
 
 
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist
that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just
below her bikini line.

She also wants him to put the words "Happy Thanksgiving" under
the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.

The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Claus with "Merry
Christmas" on her left thigh just below the bikini line.

So the guy does that one and it turns out pretty good as well.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist
says, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put
such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She replies, "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all
the time that there is nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving
and Christmas!"
 
 
One day this couple had finally decided to have sex. They went
into the bedroom, and he put her on the bed.

He then proceded to remove his shirt, flexing his biceps. She
started to moan, "Oooh baby what's that?" "These honey, these
are called TNT." he replied.

Next he started to bounce and flex his pectorials (chest
muscles). She started to really get horny now, "Ooooooooh baby
what are those?" "These honey, these are land mines." he boasted.

Slowly taking off his pants, he started to flex his leg muscles.
By this time she was all wet and rubbing on herself,
"Oooooooooooooooh uuuuuuh ooooooh baby what are those?" All big
headed and macho he said, "These my love slave, these are
granade launchers."

Then taking off his underwear she screamed, "Aaaaaah!" and ran
right out of the room. He quickly threw on some clothes and
chased her down, "Hey sweety why did you run out of the room so
fast?" She replied, panting, "With all those explosives, I
thought you were going to explode with such a short fuse."
 
 
Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital,
near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.

As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition
appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for
something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and
Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he
died.

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that
time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized
that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol'
Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just
before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm
sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen
tube!"
 
Your Mama is Like A(n)...
...Hardware store, 5 cents a screw.
...Ice Cream Cone, everyone gets a lick.
...Tube of Pringles, once you pop, you can't stop.
...vacuum cleaner, she sucks, blows, and then gets laid in the
   closet.
...Shotgun, two cocks and she's loaded. 
...Railroad Track, she gets laid all over the country.
...Door Knob, evryone gets a turn.
...Christmas Tree, everyone hangs balls on her. 
...Lettuce, 25 cents a head.
...Tricycle, she's easy to ride.
...McDonalds, over 5 million served world wide.
...Carpender's dream, flat as a board and east to nail.
...Fan, she's always blowing someone.
...5 Foot Basketball hoop, it ain't that hard to score.
...Turtle, once she's on her back she's fucked.
...Birthday Cake, everyone gets a piece.
...Squirrel, she's always got some nuts in he mouth.
...Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, there's no wrong way to eat her.
...Bag of Potato Chips, " Free-To-Lay "
...the Sun, look at her to long and you'll go blind.
...Bowling Ball, she gets picked up, fingered, thrown down the
   gutter, and she still comes back for more.
 
 
Ever wonder how the seven dwarves got their names?

Miss Snow White was a randy cow, 
And desperate for a fuck.
So off she went into the woods,
To try and get some luck!

She'd almost given up looking,
When she saw some chimney smoke.
Then stumbled on a cottage,
And went in for a poke.

Her clothes came off in seconds.
And she'd just removed her pants,
When seven Dwarves came marching in,
With a merry song and dance.

Snow White just stood there speechless,
And thought she was in heaven!
Originally after one good shag,
But now she could have seven.

Straight away she took command,
"My fanny need a lick!"
And when one dwarf moved forward,
She said "Oi-you'd better drop you pick!"

So down he went onto all fours,
And said "I ain't licking that!"
"Not there, that me arse-hole, 
You DOPEY little brat!"

The next dwarf started blushing,
"Do we have to do it here?"
Snow White said "Don't be BASHFUL!
Unless you're fucking queer!"

So reluctantly he whipped it out,
To prove he was no fool.
And Snow White gave a big "Heigh-Ho"
As she rode upon his tool.

Now one dwarf wasn't smiling,
'Cos he hadn't had a sniff.
And due to his impatience,
He couldn't raise a stiff.

"Relax, you GRUMPY bastard",
So he did as he was told.
And as soon as he was hard enough,
He shot his fucking load.

The next dwarf got a blow job,
And she took him in quite easy.
But she just avoided brain-damage,
Whe he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.

With three dwarves left, she turned and said,
"You're next, I want your knob!"
But no sooner had he entered her,
Than he was sleeping on the job.

"Wake up you SLEEPY idiot"
She wanted more from him.
And he woke with such excitement,
That he filled her hairy quim.

The next dwarf rammed his up her,
And shagged her fanny raw.
And dazed Snow White then whimpered,
"That should be against the law!"

He made poor Snow White tremble,
He was so big and thick.
"No wonder you're so HAPPY,
With that fucking great big dick."

With one dwarf still remaining,
But feeling rather sore,
She said "You'll have to use your tongue, 
My clit can't take no more.!"

And so he put his tongue to work,
Where others had put their cocks.
And 'cos he made Snow White feel better,
She named the last one DOC.

Now Snow White couldn't do much,
With all that cum inside her quim,
So she grabbed a cup, and squatted,
And filled it to the brim.

So there's the truth about the dwarves,
And how they got their names,
By satisfying miss Snow White,
And joining in her games.
There's one more thing you need to know,
And that's what happened to that cup?

Well think of what you're drinking...



When you next buy 7-UP
 
 
Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling
or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he
needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she
takes him to a strip club (work with me here).

The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are
you tonight?" His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has
been here before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl
with."

They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and
says, "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?" His
wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!" "No, no," says
Roger, "I just know her from volleyball."

Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms
around Roger and says, "Roger! A table dance as usual?" His
wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar.
Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps
into the passenger seat.

His wife looks at him, seething with fury and lets Roger have it
with both barrels. At this, the cabby leans over and says, "Sure
looks like you picked up a bitch tonight, Roger!"
 
 
A man was walking along the beach at Malibu when he found a
bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it.

A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The
genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but
only one.."

The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to
go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of
flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for
a bridge to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think
I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the
pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would
have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the
pavement that would be needed.

No, that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is
one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be
able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are
they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with?
Basically, what makes them tick?"

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you
want two lanes or four?
 
This guy has a bad case of hemorrhoids, he decides to go see the
doctor. The doctor says, "It's not too bad, you just need to put
these suppositories up your ass." The doctor then says, "I'll
give you the first dose, then you can have your wife give you
the second this evening." The man replies, "Okay." Later that
evening he is talking to his wife and tells her what the doctor
said, and she said she would help. She puts one hand upon his
shoulder and tells him to bend over. All of the sudden the guy
screams "Oh My God!!" "What's wrong?" The man replies, "I just
realized that the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders when
he gave me my medicine."
 
 
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old pen buggy one cold,
blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are
freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The
body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The
boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold." The daughter replied, "Put
them between my legs, they'll warm up."

The next day, the boyfriend was again driving in the buggy with the
daughter. He said, "My nose is freezing cold." The daughter replied, "Put
it between my legs. It will warm up." He did, and his nose warmed up.

The next day, the boyfriend was once again driving with the daughter and
he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and
she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" The slightly
concerned mother says, "Sure, why do you ask?" The daughter says, "Well,
they make one hell of a mess when they thaw out!"
 
 
Top 10 Reasons to Work Naked

10. No one ever steals your chair.

9.  Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

8.  Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work
    drunk.

7.  People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you
    keep them.

6.  You want to see if it's like the dream.

5.  To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your
    blouse.

4.  "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

3.  Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human
    Resources.

2.  Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on
    your tan.

    and (drum roll please) the number one Reason to Go To Work Naked:

1.  Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by
    8:00!"
 
 
Sex is the most practical and funniest way of losing weight Look
how many calories you can burn:

TAKING OFF THE CLOTHES
With her agreement - 12 cal
Without her agreement - 187 cal

TAKING OFF THE BRA
With both hands - 8 cal
With one hand - 12 cal
With one hand being slapped - 37 cal
With the mouth - 85 cal

PUTTING ON THE CONDOM
With erection - 6 cal
Without erection - 315 cal

PRELIMINARIES
Trying to find the clitoris - 8 cal
Trying to find G spot - 92 cal
Without caring at all - 0 cal

WHEN DOING IT
Holding her up - 12 cal
Just on the floor - 8 cal

POSITIONS
Daddy-mummy - 12 cal
69 laying - 8 cal
69 standing up - 112 cal
Trolley - 216 cal
Italian chandelier - 912 cal

HAVING AN ORGASM
Real - 112 cal
Fake - 315 cal

POST ORGASM
Staying in bed - 8 cal
Jumping off the bed - 36 cal
Explaining why you jumped off the bed -816 cal

GETTING THE SECOND ERECTION
Between 16 and 19 years of age -12 cal
from 20 to 29 - 36 cal
from 30 to 39 - 108 cal
from 40 to 49 - 324 cal
from 50 to 59 - 972 cal
over 60 - 2916 cal

PUTTING ON THE CLOTHES
Quietly - 32 cal
Being in a hurry - 98 cal
With her husband opening the door- 218 cal
 
 
Dear Technical Support:

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've
been having some problems lately. I've been running the same
version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary
application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have
always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't
crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is
turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch
to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works
okay.

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf
program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing
incompatibility.

I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought
I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months
of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has
had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't
have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would
require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as
I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the
bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it
gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and
shut down for a while. I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend
4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a
virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I
discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried
running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still
installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about
that automatically senses the presence of any other version of
GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results
in the immediate removal of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still
some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in
some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram.
Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and
feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the
best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use
gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is
totally "object-oriented." A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded
his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a
Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered
that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't
upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had
to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource
hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything
else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0
was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out
the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits
access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted
to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well
warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not
ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an
automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.

I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard
if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife
1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself.
Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient
resources. Any Ideas???
 
 
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife
and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed
this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the
edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with
silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the
breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get
rid of your bra." This was beyond a silence response, so she
rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in
place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid
of your brother!"
 
A guy stops by to visit his friend. They talk for a while and
then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as
to go upstairs and get me my sneakers please?"

The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's
daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and
quick thinking kind, he says, "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me
here to have sex with you."

They stare at him and say, "That can't be!" He replies, "OK,
let's check!" He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of
them?"

The father shouts back, "Yes, both of them!"
 
 
There was a guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts
weights and jogs 6 miles everyday.

One morning, looking in his mirror, he noticed he was sun-tanned
all over...with the exception of his penis...which he readily
decided to do something about.

He went to the beach completely undressed and buried himself in
the sand except for his penis which he left sticking out.

Two little old ladies were strolling on the beach, one using a
cane. Upon seeing this penis sticking out of the sand she began
to move it around with her cane. Remarking to her friend she
said, "there really is no justice in the world." Her friend
asked, "What do you mean?" The cane pusher said while pointing
to the tanning penis...

When I was 20...I was curious.
When I was 30...I enjoyed it.
When I was 40...I asked for it.
When I was 50...I paid for it.
When I was 60...I prayed for it.
When I was 70...I forgot about it.

And now that I'm 80 the damn things are growing wild and I'm too
damn old to squat!!!
 
 
Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday
afternoon quickie with their ten year old son in the apartment
was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on
all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into
operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he
said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few minutes passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's
riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" The startled
father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
 
 
A guy went to the middle of nowhere and picked up one of those
new Mercedes. He was testing it out in the parking lot, turned
on the radio and nothing happened. Furious, he demanded to see
the plant manager, and told her, "When I buy a $50,000 car I
expect the damn radio to work."

The plant manager explained to him that the radio had been
programed to his voice and all he had to do was tell the radio
what he wanted to hear. Pretty neat stuff.

He got back into the car and said "Country music," and old
Willie Nelson started singing.

"Rock and roll," he exclaimed, and immediately Elvis started
crooning.

"Easy listening," he remarked, and at once it sounded like he
was in an elevator.

He was relaxed, driving back to his home when a female driver
cuts him off. He controls his temper but before he knows it
another female driver cuts him off.

"Stupid bitches!" he screamed.

The radio immediately blurted out, "So tell me what you want,
what you really, really want..."
 
 
A boy walks in on his parents having sex. Curious, he asks "What
are you doing?" Dad replies, "You know how you always wanted a
little brother? I'm putting one in your mom."

The next day the dad comes home and sees the his son crying on
the porch and he asks, "What's wrong?" The kid answers,
"Remember how you put my brother in mommy last night? Well, the
mailman came by today and ate it!"
 
 
 

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when
a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his
tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a
twenty-five-year-old woman."

"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.

Between the sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You can't
understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make
love... At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and
then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets
a break, she rushes home and we have more sex, the best an old
man could want. And then at supper time, and all night long, we
make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It
sounds like you have a perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"

The old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I
live."

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Aussie on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began
discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman
bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she
told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian
responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and
told me she could never love another man."

When the Aussie remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked,
"And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she
say to you this morning?" 

"Don't stop."

A man enters his favorite restaurant and, while sitting at his
regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table
nearby, all alone.

He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive
bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her knowing that if she
accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the
girl, saying this is from the gentleman.

She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the
man. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to
have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank
and 7 inches in your pants."

The man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to
her and it read: "Just so you know-I happen to have a Rolls,
BMW, and a Mercedes in my garage; plus I have over two million
dollars in the bank: But, not even for a woman as beautiful as
you, would I cut three inches off my cock! Just send the bottle
back!"

This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were
touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such,
when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard
a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You, foreigners! Come
in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in.

The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I
think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a
great desert camel." 

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after
what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't
need them, being the sex god he was. 

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a
sex freak?" 

The Pakistani man replied, "Just try them on." 

Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally
conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his
feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife
hadn't seen in many years - raw sexual power. 

In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man,
threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants. 

All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON
THE WRONG FEET!".

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are
very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does
sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife
is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes
the following suggestion.. "Hire a strapping young man. While
the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel
over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on
an orgasm." They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They
hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they
make love. It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay", says the rabbi to
the husband, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make
love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again,
they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with
the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to
work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous,
room-shaking, screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the
young man and says to him triumphantly..."You see, you schmuck,
THAT'S the way you wave a towel!"

A guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the
punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first
punishment. 

The first room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy not
keen on this asks to see the next room. The next room has a middle aged
guy being tortured with fire. 

The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has an really old
guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde. 

The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room. 

The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says
"okay, you can stop now. You've been relieved".

Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the
Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test.
The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress,
and a small bell is tied to each man's penis.

In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume.
She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate.
*Ting-a-ling* goes the bell... "Oh Patrick," says the Monsignor,
"I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Go take a long,
cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness." The candidate
leaves.

The dancer then continues, slowly dancing around the second
candidate and peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil
drops: *Ting-a-ling* goes the bell... "Joseph, Joseph," sighs
the Monsignor. "You too are unable to withstand your carnal
desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness"

The dancer then proceeds to dance her sensuous dance around the
third candidate. Slowly around him she dances, now devoid of all
of her veils, but the third candidate remains unmoved. "James,
my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. "Only you
have the true strength of character needed to become a great
priest". Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the shower".
*Ting-a-ling*

A 15 year old girl finally had the oportunity to go to a party
all alone. Since she was very good looking, she was a bit
nervous about what to do if boys hit on her. Her mom said, "It's
very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him
'what will be the name of our baby?', that'll scare them off."
So off she went.

After a little while at the party a boy started dancing whith
her and little by little kissing her and touching her. She asked
him, "What will our baby be called?" The boy found some excuse
and disapeared.

Some time later the same thing happened again, a boy started to
kiss her neck, her shoulders...she stopped him and asked him
about the baby's name, he ran off.

Later on another boy invited her for a walk, after a few minutes
he started kissing her and she asked him, "What will our baby be
called?" He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. "What
will our baby be called?" she asked once more. He began to have
sex with her. "What will our baby be called?!" she asked again.
After he was done, he took off his "full" condomn, gave it a
knot and said, "If he gets out of this one...Harry Houdini!"

One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into
the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was
never there before. Curious and brave, he began to climb.
Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this
rather large, homely woman lying here on a cloud. 

She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"

Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he
continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and
found a thinner, cuter woman than before. 

She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"

Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb.
On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman
with not so bad of a figure. 

She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"

Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and
deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous,
lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud. 

"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily
whispered.

Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of
him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or
similar. Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind
him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker-looking
guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward
Harry. 

Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?"

The biker answers, "I'm Cess."

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the butt and a
"Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time." would pretty much do it.

2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would
only occur in leap years.

4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day
off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.

5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same.
But it would be celebrated every month.

6. Garbage would take itself out.

7. Regis and Kathy Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and
pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative
pay-per-view event in world history.

8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would "Monday
Night Football from a Different Camera Angle."

9. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps."

10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

11. Two words... "Ally McNaked".

12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you
responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You
know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was
spilling my beer all over the place." Cop, "Nice one, That's
$10.00 off."

13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

15. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per
year.

16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

17. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill
and eat the losers.

18. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as
you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

19. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could
present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're
#1!"

20. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the
game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen
during a time-out.

21. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an
acceptable response to "I love you".

22. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

23. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an
acceptable excuse for tardiness.

24. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would
jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a
brontosaurus and right into your car.

25. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises
in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year
old daughter playing with a vibrator.

"What are you doing?" Asked the mother.

"Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I'm ugly. I'll never get
married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The
mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.

The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the
bedroom and upon entering the room, found his daughter using the
vibrator.

"What the hell are you doing?" He asked.

His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I'm 40 years old now
and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll
ever get to a husband."

The father walked out of the room shaking his head.

The next day, the mother came home to find her husband with a
beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other, watching the
football game on TV.

"What on earth are you doing?" she cried.

The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm
having a beer and watching football with my son-in-law!!"

A little boy and a little girl were in a fight over who was
better. After the fight had been going on for hours with no
progress, the little boy ended up pulling down his pants and
said, "Oh, yeah! Well I have one of these and you don't!" The
little girl, seeing that she was beaten, ran home crying. She
came back to the boy a little while later looking very proud of
herself. She pulled down her pants in front of the boy. "Oh,
yeah! Well my mommy told me that when you have one of these, you
can get as many of those as you want!"

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead
of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with
the boys and ended up spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was
confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly
two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him,
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three
days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday
came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough to where he
could see her out of the corner of his left eye.

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her
a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she
stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him
how she looks.

One day fresh out of the shower, she was yet again in front of
the mirror, now complaining that her breasts our too small.
Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion,
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day get a peice of
toilet paper and rub it between your breasts a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a peice of toilet
paper, standing in front of the mirror and rubbing it between
her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "Oh, they'll
grow larger over a period of years." he replied. The wife stops.
"Why do you think rubbing a piece of tiolet paper between my
breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?" The
husband shrugs, "It worked for your ass didn't it?"

One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the
house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman
liked to sunbathe in the backyard, usually in a skimpy bikini
that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a
point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for
yet another look. Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to
the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and
waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.

"Excuse me," our man stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing
how beautiful your wife is."

"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.

"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her
breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I
could kiss those breasts." The burly gorilla was about to deck
our poor guy when his wife appeared and stopped him. She pulled
him inside and they discussed the offer for a few moments.
Finally, they returned and asked our friend to step inside. 

"OK," the husband said gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you
can kiss my wife's tits." 

At this the wife unbuttoned her blouse, and the twin objects of
desire hung free at last. Our man took one in each hand, and
proceeded to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This
went on for several minutes, until the husband got annoyed.
"Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growled.

"I can't," replied our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away. 

"Why not?" demanded the husband, getting really angry now. 

"I don't have ten thousand dollars."

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem
with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and
are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times
since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because
they don't smell and are silent." The doctor says, "I see, take these
pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady goes
back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now
my farts although still silent stink terribly." The doctor says, "Good!!!
Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter
vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some
wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are
freezing!" She says, "Well put them here between my legs and
that will warm them up." After lunch he goes back out to chop
some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are
really freezing!" She says again "Well put them here between my
legs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get
them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey,
my hands are really, really freezing!" She looks at him and says,
"For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

An old couple go to the doctor for their yearly physicals.
One-at-a time the doctor brings them into the examination room,
starting with the husband.

"Well, Mr. Smith, you're in great shape for a man your age,"
says the doctor. The man replies, "Well doc, I don't drink, I
don't smoke, and the good Lord looks out for me." "What do you
mean?" asks the doctor. The old man says, "For instance, last
night in the middle of the night, I had to get up to go to the
bathroom--and the good Lord turned on the light for me so I
wouldn't fall down." "That's nice," said the doctor. "Send your
wife in now, please."

The wife comes in and the doc says, "Mrs. Smith, you're in great
shape for a woman your age." She then says, "Well, doc, I don't
drink, I don't smoke..." The doctor interrupts, "and the good
Lord looks after you, right?" The woman is confused and says,
"What are you talking about?" The doctor explains, "Your husband
was just telling me the same thing--he said that the good Lord
looks after him--like the other night when he had to go to the
bathroom, the good Lord turned the light on for him..." "Bloody
hell!" she said, "he peed in the refrigerator again!"

Name: Last___________First______________ M. Initial_______ Age______ 

Address: ________________________________County______________________ 

Religion: ________________________#Attendance's in the Last Year_____ 

Parents: Father's Name________________#Marriages______#Years_________ 

Address________________________________________________ 

Mother's Name_______________#Marriages______#Years_____

Address________________________________________________ 

1. Do you own or drive a Van? ______________ (If so Please Discontinue
   Filling Out Form)

2. In 50 words or less, describe what NO!!!! Means to you_________

__________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________

3. In 50 words or less, describe what LATE!! Means to You_________

__________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________

4. Where would you least like To Be SHOT?_________________________ 

5. Which is the Last BONE You Want Broken?________________________ 

6. What do you want to be IF you grow up?_________________________ 

7. The Place for a WOMAN Is?______________________________________ 

8. What is MY Daughter's NAME? ___________________________________ 

9.Who besides GOD Should YOU FEAR the most? ______________________ 

Parental Use Only:

Appearance Looks Like:Status:

Mel Gibson ___________Accepted:__________

David Letterman_______Rejected: __________

Pee-Wee Herman________Pending: __________



NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied
by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current
medical report from your doctor.

NAME______________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT____________ WEIGHT_____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________ 

SOCIAL SECURITY #____________________

DRIVERS LICENSE #_______________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_____________________________________________ 

HOME ADDRESS__________________________

CITY/STATE___________ ZIP_____

Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent?__________ 

If NO, explain________________________________________________________ 

Number of years married________ If less than your age, Explain________

________________________________________________________________ 

Do you own a van?_____ A truck with oversized tires?_____ 

A waterbed?_________ A pickup with a mattress in the back?______ 

A condom?______ Pornography?_______

Do you have earring, nose ring, or a belly button ring?________ 

A tattoo?___________ (IF YES TO THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND
LEAVE PREMISES)

In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you?
_______________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________ 

In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?
________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________ 

When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, and
priest?_____________

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are
confidential. (that means I won't tell anyone EVER) 

The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is
____________________

When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is
______________________

NOTE: if above answer begins with T or A, discontinue. Leaving premises
keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised. 

What is the current going rate of a hotel room? _______________________ 

Condoms come in packages of

A: 3 B: 6 C: 9 D: 12 E: ALL OF THE ABOVE (circle one) 



I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE
BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE
AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE
AND RED HOT POKERS. 

___________________________________________ 

Signature (that means sign your name)



Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for
processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please
do not try to call or write.

If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman
wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might watch your back).

Dec Rourke rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby
to put his name on the group mailbox. While there, an attractive
young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes
wearing a robe.

Dec smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation
with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite
obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor Dec breaks
out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few
minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in
my apartment, I hear someone coming..."

He proceeds her into the apartment, and after she closes the
door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall completely
open. She purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

The flustered, embarrassed Dec stammers, clears his throat
several times, and finally squeaks out "Oh, it's got to be your
ears!"

She's astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these boobs! They are
full, don't sag, and they're all mine! My butt - it's firm
doesn't sag, and has no cellulite! Look at this skin, no
blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears
are the best part of my body?!"

Clearing his throat once again, Dec stammers - "Outside when you
said you heard someone coming - THAT WAS ME!"

A man walks into a bar and immediately goes to the counter. He
sais to the bartender, "Gimme a Scotch!" Knowing this man very
well the bartender asks, "Why, you never drink Scotch, what's
the matter?"

The man then replies, "I just found out my brother is gay."

The next day the same man walks into the bar and says, "Gimme
two Scotches." Again the bartender asks, "What's the problem
this time, you don't drink scotch?"

The man replies, "I just found out my other brother is also gay."

The next day the man walks into the bar again and says, "Gimme
the whole damn bottle of Scotch!"

The bartender asks, "Not again! Don't you have anyone in your
family that likes girls?!"

The man then replies, "Yea, my wife."

A man and a woman had a dog. There dog slept with them, but the
dog had the problem of snoring extremely loud. The woman finally
got fed up and went to the vet to see if he could help.

The vet replied, "Tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles. It
will stop his snoring.

To that the woman replied, "Ha! Yeah right!

That night while the woman was trying to sleep, the dog's
snoring became so nerve racking, that she rummaged through her
closet and finally found a red ribbon. She carefully tied it
around the dog's testicles and almost immediatley, his snoring
stopped.

Satisfied, the woman went to bed. As she began to dose off she
heard her husband enter the bedroom from a night of drinking
with his friends. 

The man climbed into bed and began to snore louder than the dog
had done. The, woman was thinking that maybe tying a ribbon
around the man's testicles would fix his problem to.

Again, she rummaged through the closet until she came across a
blue ribbon. She tied it around the man's testicles, and, like
the dog, he stopped snoring almost immediatley. 

Now the woman went to bed happy.

The next morning the man woke up before the woman. He went to
the bathroom to take an early morning wizz. When the man dropped
his pants, he was shocked to see he had a blue ribbon around his
testicles! Then the dog walked in and the man noticed the red
ribbon around the dog's testicles.

To this the man said, "I don't know where we were or what we did
last night, but it looks like we got first and second place."

A young man walked up and sat down at the bar. "What can I get
you?" the bartender inquired. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,"
responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating
something?" "Yeah, my first blow job," the man answered. "Well,
in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offense,
sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

These two buddies were out at the bar having a drink talking
when one of the guys say, "You know when I go home after being
out with the guys I turn off the engine and coast into the
driveway, take my shoes off and tip toe up the stairs. Then I
quietly sneak into bed...but it never fails, every time my wife
wakes up and gives me shit for coming home too late."

His buddy replies, "Really? I screech into the driveway, slam
the door, run upstairs, jump in bed, put my hand on my wifes ass
and say...how about a blowjob honey? And she is asleep every
time."

Grandpa and Grandma were spending a few weeks to visit with
their son and his family. One night, Grandpa found a bottle of
Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked him about taking
one of the pills.

"Dad," his son replied, "I really don't think you should take
one. They're very strong and besides that, they're very
expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10 a pill," was the answer.

"That ain't bad," responded Grandpa. "I'd like to try one. All I
have are $50 bills, so I'll go break one and leave the money
under your pillow."

The next morning the son found $110 under his pillow. So as soon
as he could, he spoke to Grandpa privately. "Dad, you gave me
$110 but I told you the pill only cost $10."

"I know that, son," Grandpa replied. "The extra hundred is from
Grandma."

10. Viagra, it's "Whaazzzzz Up!"

9. Viagra, the quicker pecker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock!

7. Viagra, when it absolutely, positively has to be there
tonight.

6. Viagra, be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, reach out and touch someone

4. Viagra, strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!

3. Viagra, tastes great! More filling!

2. Viagra, we bring good things to life!

And the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:

1. This is your penis... This is your penis on drugs.

A blonde went to the dentist one day to have a tooth pulled and
she was very nervous about it. The dentist noticed this and
while he was putting his gloves on, he started to talk to the
woman so she wouldn't feel so nervous.

He asked, "Do you know how they make these gloves?" The woman
shook her head. The doctor explained, "In a big rubber factory
they have a whole lot of men and women with different hand sizes
and they have to put their hands into a big huge tank of melted
rubber and wait until it dries and then take it off and do it
again." The woman didn't even blink she seemed to be too busy
trying not the panic.

So he tried telling her a joke or two but once again she didn't
even smirk. So he gave up about five to ten minute later.

In the middle of getting the tooth removed she burst out
laughing and he had to stop in case she'd choke. He asked,
"What's wrong?" She just laughed and said, "If that's how they
make gloves I wonder how they make condoms."

Mrs. Smith was in bed having wild passionate sex with Mr. Jones,
when all of the sudden her husband came home. Surprised that he
was home so early, she quickly told Mr. Jones to stand in the
corner, then she covered him with cold cream and patted him down
with some talc she had on her dresser.

Mr. Smith walks in the bedroom and sees his wife laying naked in
bed, appearing to be ready for a wild night of sex with her
husband. After a long day at work, he is refreshed by this site,
so he disrobes and climbs on for a great ride.

After they finish having sex, he asks her, "Dear, what is that
in the corner?" "Well," starts Mrs. Smith, "It's a statue! It's
the latest fad and Mrs. Crump down the street has one just like
it, so I wanted one too!" Mr. Smith seemed satisfied with this
answer so he closes his eyes and goes to sleep.

He awakens at midnight and goes to the kitchen where he prepares
2 sandwiches and brings them back to the bedroom. Upon entering
the room, he walks over to the statue and hands one of the
sandwiches to Mr. Jones. "Here buddy," says Mr. Smith, "I stood
like an idiot at the Crumps the whole night and nobody offered
me so much as a glass of water!"

Tips on love, from those who should know. All questions were
answered by kids, ages 5-10.

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?

"Eighty-four, because at that age, you don't have to work
anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in
your bedroom." (Judy, 8)

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife."
(Tom, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that
usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
(Mike, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to
buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have
videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing
thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be
willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few
hours." (Kally, 9)

THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

"It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need
somebody to clean up after them." (Lynette, 9)

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a
kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to
do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so
popular." (Jan, 9)

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something,
but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger,
9)

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I
don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your
family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome
like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary,
7)

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long
time." (Christine, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they
paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The
Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6)

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I
have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls
keep finding me."(Bobby, 8)

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade
hard enough."(Regina, 10)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if
you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of
bills."(Ava, 8)

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6)

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get
attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo,
9)

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's
something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me."
(Bart, 9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE
IN LOVE?

"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell
if he's in love." (John, 9)

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will
get cold. Other people care more about the food." (Brad, 8)

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire.
They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts
are on fire." (Christine, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"

"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope
he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9)

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS

"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the
best of you." (Doug, 7)

"It might help to watch soap operas all day." (Carin, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over
you...That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom,
7)

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never
take out the trash." (Randy, 8)

An 80 year old man was having his annual check up and the doctor
asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he
boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and
having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell
you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never
missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he
accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. So he was
in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of
him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and
squeezed the handle, and do you know what happened?" the doctor
queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must
have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy
in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he
felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor,
and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams,
and various tests and then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say
that I believe I can help you."

"On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and
buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your
clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until
you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands
and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the
grape using only your tongue."

"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across
the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer
around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him
and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex
life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends,
Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor.

The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the
case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the
physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the
Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your
money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I
cannot help." The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped
our friends the Browns, now please, please help us." "Well, all
right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop
at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of
cheerios..."

A while ago there was a couple living in a house. They both
lived a happy life but the husband always gave out these big
juicy farts! The wife was very unhappy about this. One day,
fustrated, she told him, "Stop farting for god's sake! If you
keep on doing that you'll... you'll fart your guts out!" The man
laughed at this.

Later, on Thanksgiving day, the wife was taking out the chicken
guts. Then she got an idea. She took the guts and went quietly
up to their room, then put them in his pants. She tiptoed back
downstairs and giggled quietly to herself. Three minutes later
she heard a terrifying scream! She still tried to remain quiet.
Two minutes later, the man came down to the kitchen and said,
"You'd never guess what just happened!" Trying not to giggle,
the wife said, "What?" "I let out this big juicy fart, and all
my guts came splurting out! But by god's grace and these two
fingers, I managed them all back in!"

A minister, a priest, and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It
was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came
upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off
all their clothes and jumped in the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while
enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area,
who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to
get their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered
their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for
cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on,
the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his
face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know
about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would
recognize!"

A car broke down on the side of the road and the man, John,
didn't know how to fix it so he walked to a farm he had seen
about a mile back and he asked if he could use the phone. The
man called his insurance company, but they said they couldn't be
there till the next day,so he asked if he could stay there till
his insurance company came the next day. "Sure, but I don't have
a guest room so you'll have to stay in the barn." The man didn't
like the idea of having to stay in the barn, but had no
alternative since it was the only house for miles,and it was
getting dark, so he agreed.

The man took him out to the barn, and showed him where he could
stay. The man was about to leave when John asked, "Hey, by the
way what are those three holes on the wall, their all the same
size and height." "Oh the are just holes, just leave them alone,
don't go near them." After saying that the man left.

Of course its human to do what you are told not to, so the man
went to the hole and looked in, but he couldent see anything.
Since he coulden't see anything he stuck his finger in it, it
was nice, tight, and moist. After that he decided to leave it
alone. He went to sleep, and had this absolutly great sex dream.
He woke up from his dream in the middle of the night and felt he
was near orgasm and needed to fuck something. Then he remembered
the hole and how it felt on his finger. So he went to the hole
and fucked it hard, and it felt so good. He went on and try the
second hole, that one was even better so he tried the last hole
it was so good he never wanted to stop, but after he came like
never before he decided to sleep. 

When he woke up the man was standing over him. "Finally decide
to wake up huh....here, have a drink, it's milk, i just got it
this morning." "Thanks, but I just have to know what those three
holes are." And after a little convincing the man told him, "The
first one it my pig, the second one is my cow, and the last one
is the thing that milks the cow, but you should know that since
you milked the cow last night, this morning the bucket was
almost full, that's what you are drinking."

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're
going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished
cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come
out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten
up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean
underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep laughing and I'll *give* you
something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your
mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM -"Will you *look* at the
dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'til all
that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado
swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled
because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once,
I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -"I brought you into this
world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting
like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less
fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful
parents like you do!"

THANKS, MOM!

Have a great day!

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me I will turn into a beautiful
princess." He bent over , picked up the frog, and put it in his
pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me
back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart
and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the
frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his
pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me
back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion
for an entire week." The man took the frog out, smiled at it and
returned it to his pocket. 

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
beautiful princess, I will stay with you for a year and do
ANYTHING that you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled
at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm
a beautiful princess, that I will stay with you for a year and
do any thing that you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have
time for a girlfriend, but a TALKING FROG IS COOL."

A man is driving home late one night and is feeling very horny. As he is
passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander. He thinks to himself,
you know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is no one around
here for miles. He pulls over to the side of the road, picks out a nice
juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it, and begins to
screw the pumpkin. After a while he is really into it and doesn't notice
the police car pulling up. 

The cop walks over and says, "Excuse me, sir; but, do you realize that you
are screwing a pumpkin?"

The man looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and says, "A
pumpkin? Is it midnight already?"

A fireman came from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a
wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we all put on our
jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and
we're ready to go on the trucks."

"From now on," he said, 'we're going to run this house the same way. When
I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to
jump into bed. When I say Bell 3, we're going to screw all night."

The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" and
his wife took off her clothes. "Bell 2," and his wife jumped into bed.
"Bell 3, and they began to screw.

After two minutes his wife yelled, "Bell 4!"

"What's this Bell 4?" the husband asks.

"More hose," she replied, "you're nowhere near the fire!'

Joe woke up one morning and looked for his wife, but his wife
wasn't here. She had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the
kitchen. Joe was afraid he might spoil 'the moment' by getting
up, so he called his little boy and sent this note to his wife: 

THE TENT POLE IS UP, THE CANVAS IS SPREAD,
THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST, COME BACK TO BED. 

The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy. It read: 

TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN. PUT THE CANVAS AWAY.
THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE. NO CIRCUS TODAY. 

So he sent another note down. It read: 

THE TENT POLE'S STILL UP AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD
SO DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD.

To which she replied: 

I'M SURE THAT YOUR POLE'S THE BEST IN THE LAND
BUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW SO DO IT BY HAND !

There were three ladies that always hung out together. There was
a slight problem though, their husbands were all named Leroy.
The ladies decided to name thier Leroys after soda pop.

The first lady said, "I am going to name my Leroy 7 Up." The
other ladies said, "Why 7Up?" She replied, "Well my Leroy has 7
inches and it is always up!"

The next lady said, "I am going to name my Leroy Mountain Dew."
The other two ladies said, "Why Mountain Dew?" "Well," she said,
"My Leroy likes to mount me and he likes to do me."

The third lady was scratching her head, she could not think of a
soda pop, finally she says, "I am going to name my Leroy Jack
Daniels." The other two ladies said, "Jack Daniels isn't a soda
pop, it's a hard licquor." She replied "THAT'S MY LEROY."

Bob was going out with Wendy and he loved her so much that he
wanted to get her name tattooed on his penis. When it was erect
it spelled "Wendy" but when limp it said "W Y" After their
wedding day they went to Jamaica for their honeymoon.

One day they went to the beach and Bob went to the public
restroom. In the urinal next to him was this big Jamaican man.
Bob looked over the urinal and noticed the letters "W Y" on the
Jamaican's penis and he asked him, "Your girlfriend's name must
be Wendy?"

The big Jamaican man looked at him and said, "No, man, mine says
'Welcome to Jamaica, man have a nice day!'"

After playing on the playground at school, Tommy came home with
some new words in his vocabulary. Puzzled at what they meant, he
went to his mother. "Mom, what's a pussy?" Not at all shocked by
the question, she opened up an encyclopedia and showed him a
picture of a cat. He then asked "What's a bitch?" Once again,
not at all disturbed, she opened the encyclopedia and showed him
a picture of a female dog.

Confused, little Tommy then went to his father. "Dad, what's a
pussy?" He felt that it was time for his son to learn about life
and opened up a porno and circled the area between a womans
legs. Enlightened, he then asked him, "Then what's a bitch?" His
father replied, "Everything outside of the circle."

A certain young man finally won a date with the blonde female of
somewhat questionable morals that lived in his apartment
complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on
to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself.
Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.
Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and
managed to get a sunburn on his "tool of the trade."

But the young man was determined not to miss his date, so he put
some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze. The blonde
showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man
treated her to a homecooked dinner, after which they went into
the living room to watch a movie. 

During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started
acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen,
and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his
sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of
his pain.

The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into
the kitchen to see him with his johnson immersed in a glass of
milk. Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you
guys load those things!"

A young boy on his way home from school must pass by a group of hookers.
Everyday as he passes them, the hookers wave at him with their pinkies and
say, "Hi there little boy!" 

One day the boy stops and asks one of the hookers why they always wave at
him with their pinkies. They reply, "Well, that is what size we imagine
your penis to be...it is just a joke!" 

The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition. The young
boy stops and drops his school books on the ground, sticks all his fingers
in his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and says, "HI THERE LADIES!"

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday
evening that reads: Dear Wife (that's what he called her): I am
54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the
Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him
that read as follows: Dear Husband (that's what she called him):
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at
the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy
toy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18
goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able
to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second
said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled
and said, "I've got you both beat. Remember how mom enjoyed
reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. I sent
her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took
elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind.
Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot
recites it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks. "Milton,"
she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in
only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay
most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the
driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good
sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

 Kentucky:
Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a
chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck.
Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they
pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene
and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine.
With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their
vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

South Carolina:
A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of
cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was
substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be
arrested immediately.

Indiana:
A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all
the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot,
he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.

England:
A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at
customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf,
the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know
what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to
demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial
amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

Arizona:
A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western
movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old
woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2
years in jail.

Texas:
A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in
damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he
provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.

(Location Unknown):
A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery,
and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized
that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.

(Location Unknown):
A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole --
are you ready for this? -- the bank's video camera. While it was
recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was
located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of
himself stealing the camera.)

(Location Unknown):
A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a
street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the
process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money
from where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window
through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty
badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help...

Virginia:
Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a
refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a
refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the
pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain
surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up
*more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into
the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize
that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.

(Location Unknown):
A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and
asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man
pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which
the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the
clerk and fled-- leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total
amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

- Some mornings, it just ain't worth chewing through the leather
straps.

- Chaos, panic, and disorder; my job is done here.

- Few women admit their age, even fewer men act theirs.

- Oh, wait, sorry, I didn't mean to look interested.

- DAMMIT, YOU'RE STILL TALKING?!

- Sex on the television can't hurt you . . . unless you fall off.

- Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

- Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

- I went to hell, it was full, so I came back.

- Ya know what, it really don't matter if I win or lose, just as
long as I piss you off in the process.

- Pissed off? Hey, it's better than being pissed on.

- I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my
grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the people in his
car.

- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

- It's not an optical illusion, it just looks that way.

- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

- We're born naked, wet, and hungry. . . .then things get worse.

- God bless America. But, God, please help Canada.

- Hey, the light at the end of that tunnel may be an oncoming
train.

- Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs
louder.

- Love thine enemies...it REALLY pisses them off.

- Friends come and go, but enemies seem to accumulate.

- You can only be young once, but you can be immature FOREVER!.

- Gravity sucks.

- There are few problems that cannot be solved with the usage of
high explosives.

Winston Churchill was a quite a character. Here, for your
enjoyment, is a bit of a description of him:

(1) Seeing how rude Churchill was to his wife (and everyone
else), a lady once told him, "Winston, if I was your wife, I
would poison your tea." Churchill replied, "And madame, if I was
your husband, I would drink it." Ouch.

(2) At a dinner a party, a (different) lady thought Churchil had
had a bit too much to drink, and told him so: "Winston, you are
drunk." Churchill's answer: "And madame, you are ugly. The
difference is, in the morning, I will be sober." Ouch Ouch.

(3 and final) The famous playwright George Bernard Shaw, once
wrote a letter to Churchill along these lines: "...I would be
delighted if you could attend the first performance of my new
play...You may bring a friend, if you have one." Churchill was
not going to take that sitting down; his reply: "I apologize
that I cannot attend the first performance of your play, but I
will be happy to attend the second performance, if you have one."

An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males
in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun,
proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she
knows how to use it and that she will if required so get out of
the car.

The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out
and ran like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her
shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the drivers
seat. Small problem, her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car
was identical and parked four/five spaces further down.

She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police
station. The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore
himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the
counter where 4 pale white males were reporting a car-jacking by
a mad elderly white woman. No charges were filed.

It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a
Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by
reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or
give me death?'" She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for
that of Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," said
the boy.

"Very good! Now," said the teacher, "who said 'Government of the
people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the
earth'?" Again, no response except from Suzuki, "Abraham
Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.
Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history
than you do." As she turned to write something on the
blackboard, she heard a loud whisper, "Damned Japanese." "Who
said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca,
1982," he said.

At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Suzuki's
classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed, "I'm gonna
throw up." The teacher glares and asks, "All right! Now, who
said that?" Again, Suzuki raises his hand and says, "George Bush
to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Suzuki
jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the
teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997."

"Passionate kiss like spider's web - soon lead to undoing of
fly."

"Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone!"

"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright
organ."

"Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok." 

"Man with one chopstick go hungry."

"Man trapped in whore house get jerked around."

"Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails."

Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!"

"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it."

"Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!"

"War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left."

"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house."

"Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night."

"Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!"

"If you park, don't drink, accidents cause people."

"It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it."

"Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!"

"Man who sit on tack get point!"

"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!"

"Man who lives in glass house should change in basement."

"Boy who go to bed with sexual problem wake up with problem in
hand."

"People who make Confucius joke speak bad English."

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. 
-Steve Bluestone-

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
anyone going faster than you is a maniac.  
-George Carlin-

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five
miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where 
the hell she is.
-Ellen DeGeneres-

It's not hard to tell we was poor when you saw the toilet paper 
dryin' on the clothesline.   
-George Lindsey-

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock 
every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there 
picking the locks, they are always locking three.  
-Elayne Boosler-

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
-John Mendoza-

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to 
use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.  
That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us 
from animals.  We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.  
-Jeff Stilson-

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty 
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain 
all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
-Jerry Seinfeld-

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say
because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother 
is attractive, but I have photographs of her.  
-Ellen DeGeneres-

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
-Lily Tomlin-

1. The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; "7" was selected
because the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP" indicated
the direction of the bubbles.

2. Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray
blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.

3. Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least
6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting
from the flush.

4. The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute
for blood plasma.

5. American car horns beep in the tone of F.

6. No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.

7. Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

8. 1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.

9. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching
television.

10. Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years
of age or older.

11. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

12. The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

13. A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brothers'
first flight.

14. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1
olive from each salad served in first-class.

15. Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

16. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born
in the USA."

17. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in
the morning.

18. The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of
varieties of pickles the company once had.

19. The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

20. Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

21. The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.

22. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

23. Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been the
head on a Pez dispenser.

24. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than the
Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

25. Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an
abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.

26. Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

27. All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like
being seen wearing them in public.

28. Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

29. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her
hands in jelly.

30. Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.

31. Pearls melt in vinegar.

32. It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather
for a year's supply of footballs.

33. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for
dating are already married.

34. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca
Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

35. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

36. Average life span of a major league baseball: seven pitches.

37. A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.

38. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the
days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were
stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up
straight staircases.

39. Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name
contains all the letters from the word "criminal."

40. The second? William Jefferson Clinton.

AT&T fired president John Walter after nine months, saying he
lacked intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million
severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking
intelligence.

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to
subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home.
After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that
the man was standing beside them, shouting, "Please come out and
give yourself up!"

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist
and forced him to drive to two different automated teller
machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from
his own bank accounts.

A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day
suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week
-- for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the
mints would make him "jump higher."

A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days
for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest
Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy (not to be
confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy).

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze
that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the
homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This
is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner,
"when someone broke in and stole my new security system."

A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all
the money in the cash drawer. Apparently the take was too small,
so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for
three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who
just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives
asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all
your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "that's not what I
said!"

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye
pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his
Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down
the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was
seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike
Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police
have the man's charred trousers in custody.

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and
her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first
child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted.
"This is her husband!"

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to
hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a
thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he
failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give
one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and
gives it to your neighbor.

A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So
what? 

A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel
guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax
your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the
tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a
cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and
provides you with milk.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and
sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a
campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government
taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in
a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from
your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy
a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government
takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the
milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and
force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are
surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike
because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so
they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so
they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know
where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and
learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you
have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A MEXICAN CORPORATION: You think you have two cows, but you
don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs
to you. You charge for storing them for others.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a
partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000
cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

Things You'd Love to Say at Work, But Can't...

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate
yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to
worship me.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're
saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about
you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique
point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an
artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn
off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely
ceremonial.

23. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted
paychecks.

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he
stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her
and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me
running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much
better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it
and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit
again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about
your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest,
you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them,
looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts
running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up and
the rabbit again says, "Lion my friend, why do you do this?
Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny
forest, you will feel so good!"

The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat
the shit out of the rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in
horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He
was merely trying to help us all!"

The lion answers, "That little fucker! He makes me run around
the forest like an idiot each time he's on ecstasy!"

45-year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas after
a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were
packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had
brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police,
Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic
would have to raise the hood to change the oil.

David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I.,
after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing
the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained
$800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a
stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped
him from behind.

Drug possession defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March
in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a
warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant
because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun.
Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same
jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could
see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket
and laughed so hard he required a five- minute recess to compose
himself.

Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El
Paso from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be
released from all of its valves while the truck concealed 6,240
pounds of marijuana. They were clever, but not bright. They
misspelled the name of the gas company on the side of the truck.

Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery
of a convenience store in a district court this week when he
fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said
Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the
store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton
jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should
of blown your fucking head off." The defendant paused, then
quickly added, " - if I'd been the one that was there." The jury
took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year
sentence.

R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were
showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a
Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the
officer's asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave
them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer,
and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on
the screen showed Gaitlin was wanted for a two-year-old armed
robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and
the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the
snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the
snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store.
The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there
for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes Officer..that's
her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?" 2nd
Person: "A little. What's wrong?" 1st Person: "Well, I sent a
fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a
cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same
thing happened." 2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?" 1st
Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone
else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the
recipient would open it and read it."

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
"Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should
have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I
can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant
convenience store) would have a battery for this?" "Hmmm, I
dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this
remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to
me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied,
"Why don't you drive over there and check about the
batteries...it's a long walk."

My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to
change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the
call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she
interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but
what state is it in?"

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home
was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire
need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an
extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He
told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in
back to make a sandwich.

Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for talks on
sanctions. When Bill sits down he notices Saddam's chair has
three buttons on the armrest. They begin talking but after 5
minutes Saddam presses a button and a boxing glove pops out of
Clinton's chair and bashes him on his face.

Clinton, barely believing it, carries on talking, but after
another few minutes Saddam presses a second button and out comes
a large boot and kicks him in the groin. Clinton is pissed off
but still remains outwardly calm.

They resume the talks, but after 5 minutes Saddam presses the
final button and from under the table another boxing glove hits
Clinton, right in the groin. Clinton is really fed up by it now
and stands up to leave.

"We'll continue this talk next week in the White House" says the
President. Saddam, choking from laughing, is too proud to say
no, so the appointment stands. A week later Clinton receives
Saddam in the Oval Office, and as Saddam sits down, he sees
three buttons in the arm-rest of Clinton's chair. As the meeting
goes on, Saddam sees Clinton press the first button, and ducks
really fast, but nothing seems to happen.

This doesn't stop Clinton from laughing...really loudly. After
this, Clinton continues where he left off, until he presses
another button. Saddam reacts really quickly, and jumps up.
Absolutely nothing happens, and this time Clinton falls out of
his chair laughing. Saddam doesn't get it--what the hell is
happening here? But he hasn't been harmed yet, so he sits down
again to talk further.

After a few minutes Clinton presses the final button. This time,
Saddam stays sitting, but Clinton isn't, he's rolling on the
floor, doubled up from laughing. Saddam is really annoyed by
now, so he stands up from his chair and shouts: "I've had enough
of this, I'm going back to Baghdad" (Through tears of laughter
from the floor): "Baghdad?...What fucking Baghdad?"

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter,
so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, "I'm not
very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?"

The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the
offer. St.Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the
reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria
and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.

The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"

St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows
how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of
time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged." The
guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks
are going faster than others. He asks why is that?

St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it
speeds his clock."

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the
room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the
ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an
unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that
clock?"

"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We
decided to use it as a fan."

I was so poor growing up ... If I wasn't born a boy, 
I would have had nothing to play with.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on 
over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. 
Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work....  I saw a guy 
jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" 
He said, "Because you came home early."

I was such an ugly kid... When I played in the sandbox the 
cat kept covering me up.

I'm so ugly... My father carries around the picture of the
kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting 
room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything
we could ... but he pulled through."

I'm so ugly... My mother had morning sickness - after I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece 
of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him
to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think
we'll ever find them?  He said, "I don't know kid ... 
there are so many places they can hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I'm so ugly... I worked in a pet shop and people kept 
asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor "Doctor, every morning when I get
up and look in the mirror ... I feel like throwing up. 
What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your
eyesight is perfect."

There was a little boy who prayed every night for two weeks,
asking God for $100. When he got no response, he thought it
would be a good idea to write to God and see if that worked.

The post office received the letter addressed to "GOD, USA."
They decided that it would be best to just forward the letter to
President Clinton. The president read the letter and thought it
was cute, so he asked his secretary to send the boy $5, thinking
the boy would think that was a lot of money for a little boy.

When the boy got the letter, he was so excited that he sat down
immediately to write a thank-you letter. "Dear God," he wrote,
"Thank you very much for the money you sent. I suppose it is to
be expected, but I thought you should know that when you sent it
through Washington, D.C., the stinkers deducted $95."

"I thought it would make a wicked wave to surf on"
   -Moses, talking about the real reason he parted the Red sea.

"Scattered showers my ass"
   -Noah

"Bigamy is having one wife to many. Monogamy is the same"
   -Oscar Wilde

"I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is getting better"
   -any man who has been married

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals, I am a vegetarian because I
hate plants"
   -A. Whitney Brown

"I told you I was Sick!"
   -On a tombstone

"Gay Motherfucker!"
   -English professor giving an example of an oxymoron

"What the hell are you trying to say?"
   -any dog looking at its owner

"Time's fun when you're having flies"
   -Kermit the Frog

"You want What on the fucking ceiling?"
   -Michaelangelo
 
 
One day Bill Clinton had to go to the bathroom while his body
guard (Bubba) was on duty. For some reason Bubba had to go piss
real bad so since he couldn't leave Bill's side he decided to go
with him.

Bubba and Bill started pissing together in the same toilet when
out of nowhere Bill asked, "How did you get such a big dick?!"

Bubba with a simple reply said, "Well sometimes while my woman
was sleeping I would get up so I beat my dick against the
bedpost. After I beat my dick against the bed post it would get
swelled up and, well, it would just stay that way."

"Hmm...that sounds like a pretty good idea." Clinton said. "I
think I'll try that."

So later on, sometime around midnight Clinton got up while
Hillary was sleeping and started to beat his dick against the
bed post. Hillary soon woke up. Without even turning the light
to see who it was she said, "Bubba is that you?"
 
 
 One day, a man saw a stranger on his property. Ready to go to
extreme measures, he pulled out his pistol and stopped the guy
at gunpoint and called the police.

When the police arrived the man was still holding a gun to the
stranger, who turned out to be a college student.

The police offier said, "Put the gun away and tell me the story."

The man said, "Well officer, I was watching TV in my basement
when a pair of footsteps went by the window. I knew it was
someone suspicious, so I sneaked out the back to see what he was
up to. When I got out, I caught him running out of the
greenhouse with the loot."

The policeman, seeing the student with a few plants began to get
annoyed. "Is this really what you were stealing?" he asked the
student.

However, before the student could answer, the man said, "Those
aren't just any plants, those are my best pot plants!"
 
 
Lost Again! You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security,
super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very
surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately
impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted
the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.

The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held
him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally
convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up
his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing,
complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him
Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna
showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this
time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my
wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
 
 
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I'm going to make it
rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people
are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind
of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark." And
in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark. 

"Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord
saw that there was no Ark. 

"Noah," shouted the Lord, "Where is the Ark?" 

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big
problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction
project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to
redraw the plans."

"Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire
sprinkler system. "

"Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building
the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city
planning commission."

"Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a
ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince the U.S.
Fish and Wildlife that I need the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't
let me catch any owls. So, no owls."

"The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate
a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would
pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat,
and still no owls."

"Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't
complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your
proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no
jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being."

"Then the Army Corp of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood
plain. I sent them a globe. The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm
trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country."

"I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five
years," The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched
across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. 

"You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully. 

"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has."
 
 
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.
 
 
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The
monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on
the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I
start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the
beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He
proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after
mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10.We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11.When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take
this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

12.The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the
Cherry".

13.The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub,
thanks for the grub, yeah God". and finally...

14.Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at
St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
 
 
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews
had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from
the Jewish community.

So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a
member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, they could stay.
If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a
middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for
one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither
side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat
opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his
hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and
raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around
his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope
pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an
apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too
good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him
what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to
represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to
remind me that there was still one God common to both our
religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God
was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and
showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the
wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins.
He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an
answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had
three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was
leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared
of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"And then?" asked a woman.

"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took
out mine."
 
 
Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses
pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in
the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly
Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the
other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one
directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the
center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus
casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the
green.

The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed
out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street.
It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it
bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into
the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and
straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond,
the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily
pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog
jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth.
Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew
away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with
fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup
for a hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."
 
 
A newly deceased man, David, stands at the pearly gates. St.
Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because
he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into
heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next
five years and enjoy it. David decides that this is a small
price to pay for an eternity in heaven.

So off he goes with an ugly, stupid woman, while he pretends to
be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend Steve up ahead -
with an even uglier woman. When he asks what's going on, Steve
replies, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the
government out of a lot of money." They both shake their heads
in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out
together to help pass the time.

David, Steve, and their two ugly women are walking along,
minding their own business when they see someone who looks like
their old friend Don up ahead. He is with an absolutely gorgeous
woman who looks like a supermodel/centerfold. Stunned, David and
Steve approach the man and discover that it is their friend Don.
They ask him how he got this unbelievable goddess, while they're
stuck with these God-awful women.

Don replies, "I have no idea, but I'm definitely not
complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life,
and I have had five years of the best sex any man could hope to
look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to
understand. Everytime we finish having sex, she rolls over and
murmurs to herself, "Damn income taxes!"
 
 
A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has
gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so
desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He begins to
pray...

"God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get
some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me
win the lotto".

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Joe again prays...

"God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my
house and I'm going to lose my car as well".

Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.

Once again, he prays...

"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my
house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't
often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to
you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get
my life back in order ... "

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open
and Joe is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:

"Joe, meet me half way on this one...Buy a ticket!"
 
 
A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He
looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his
boat. The fisherman notices and asks the priest if he'd like to
join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees.

The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to
which the priest answers no. He baits the hook and says, "Give
it a shot, Father."

After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles
to get it in the boat.

The fisherman says, "Whoa, look at that big sonofabitch!"

Priest: "Uh, sir, can you please mind your language?"

Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY): "I'm sorry, Father, but that's
what the fish is called: -- a sonofabitch."

Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry, I did not know."

After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and
stops the Bishop.

Priest: "Look at this big sonofabitch!"

Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God."

Priest: "No, you don't understand! That's what the fish is
called and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"

Bishop: "Hmmm, you know I could clean this sonofabitch and we
could have it for dinner." So the Bishop takes the fish, cleans
it and takes it to the head mother.

Bishop: "Could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?"

Head Mother: "My lord, what langauge!"

Bishop: "No, Sister, that's what this fish is called,
asonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we want you to
cook it."

Head Mother: "Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight." 

That night the Pope stops by for dinner. He thinks the fish is
great and asks where they got it.

Priest: "I caught the sonofabitch."

Bishop: "And I cleaned the sonofabitch."

Head Mother: "And I cooked the sonofabitch."

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, takes
off his hat, leans back in his chair, puts his feet up on the
table and says, "You know, you fuckers are alright!"
 
 
A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died. They
arrived at the gates of heaven at the same moment. They spend
the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly
vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like
everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of
gold thread, and Gucci shoes. 

Then, they get to see where they're going to live. The Pope gets
what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and
the lawyer gets an 18 room mansion with servants and a swimming
pool.

At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a
Manischewitz kosher TV dinner, and the lawyer receives a fine
and tasty meal, served on silver platters.

By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error
has been made, so he asks one of the angels in charge, "Has
there been some kind of mistake? This guy was the Pope, and he
gets what everyone else gets, and I'm just a lawyer and I'm
getting the finest of everything?"

The angel replied, "No mistake, sir. We've had lots of popes
here, but you're the first lawyer we've ever had."
 
 
As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age of
26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather
peculiar Order. He took the usual vows of poverty, chastity, but
his Order also required that he quit golf and never play again.
This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and
was finally ordained a priest.

One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and
realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early
spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and
convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the
Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town
to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he
wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was
Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this
time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down
from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get
away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father
Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin,
dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It
WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked
at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord
smiled and replied, "Who is he going to tell?"
 
 
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were
excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble
and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their
town, their sons were probably involved.

They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been
successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would
speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them
individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the
morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the
afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger
boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting
there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman
repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised
his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and
bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and
dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his
older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG
trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did
it!"
 
 
A guy is at the Pearly Gates, hoping to be admitted, and St.
Peter says to the guy, "I can't see that you did anything really
good in your life, but you never did anything bad either. I tell
you what, if you can tell me one really good deed that you did,
you're in."

So the guy says, "Once I was driving down the road and saw a
gang of bikers assaulting this poor girl. So I pulled over, got
out my car, grabbed a tire iron and walked straight up to the
gang's leader--a huge ugly guy with a studded leather jacket,
bald head but with hair all over his body, and a chain running
from his nose to his ear.

Undaunted, I ripped the chain out of his nose and ear and
smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned
around and, wielding my tire iron, yelled to the rest of them,
'You leave this poor, innocent lady alone! You're all a bunch of
sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson
in pain!'"

Impressed, St. Peter says, "Really? I can't seem to find this in
your file. When did this happen?" "Oh, about two minutes ago."
 
 
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter
checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're
in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the Gates of
Hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied
with the level of comfort in Hell, and starts designing and
building improvements. After a while, they've got air
conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer
is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a
sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?" 

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great! We've got air
conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no
telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." 

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake
-- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." 

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and
I'm keeping him." 

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." 

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just
where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
 
 
There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who
kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I
hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked
him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery
would say they had "fallen".

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the
priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived,
he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest
said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people
come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The
Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest
about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the
mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife fell
three times this week."
 
 
A Preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told
there were fortunes in Race horses, he decided to purchase one
and enter it in the races. 

However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so
steep he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since
he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races,
and to his surprise the donkey came in third. 

The next day the racing sheets carried the headlines,
"Preacher's Ass shows"

The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it
in the races again and this time he won! The papers said,
"Preacher's Ass out in Front" The Bishop was so upset with this
kind of publicity that he ordered the Preacher not to enter the
donkey in another race. 

The newspaper printed this headline, "Bishop Scratches
Preacher's Ass". This was just too much for the Bishop and he
ordered the Preacher to get rid of the animal. 

The Preacher decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The headlines the next day read, "Nun has the Best Ass in Town" 

The Bishop fainted. 

He informed the Nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey
and she finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for
$10.00. 

The paper states, "Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks" 

They buried the Bishop the next day.
 
 
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple
of strokes. The golfer says to himself: "I'd give anything to sink this
next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers: "Would you give up a fourth of
your sex life?" The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer
will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put
him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK."
And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself: "Boy, if I could only get an eagle
on this hole." The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be
worth another fourth of your sex life?" The golfer shrugs and says,
"Sure." And he makes an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though
he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be
willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle. As the golfer walks to
the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've
really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the
devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."
 
 
A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came
upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following
symbols in order of appearance:

1. A dog 2. A donkey 3. A shovel 4. A fish 5. A Star of David

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were
at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out
the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where
archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient
symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss
what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The
President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first
drawing and said, "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this
was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals
for companionship. To prove this statement you can see that the
next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough
to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks
like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to
help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the
fish which means that they had a famine that hit the earth
whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for
food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which
means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled
and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement
with our interpretations."

Suddenly, a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the
room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what
the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows
that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to
left. Now, look again, It now says: HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS
ON THAT BITCH!"
 
 
A college student was in a philosophy class which had a
discussion about God's existence. The professor presented the
following logic:

"Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke.

"Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke.

"Has anyone in this class seen God?" When nobody spoke for the
third time, he simply stated, "Then there is no God."

One student thought for a second, and then asked for permission
to reply. Curious to hear this bold student's response, the
professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the
following questions of his classmates:

"Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?" Silence.

"Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?" Again,
silence.

"Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?"

When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded,
"Then, according to our professor's logic, it must be true that
our professor has no brain!"
 
 
A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the
little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."

The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say
the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to
'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper.'"

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his
father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have
to whisper."

The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper
in my ear."
 
 
A boy was standing on a corner selling fish, "Dam fish for sale,
dam fish for sale." A preacher walked up and asked why he was
calling them dam fish. The kid said, "I caught them at the dam,
so they're dam fish." 

The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to
cook the dam fish. His wife looked at him in bewilderment and
said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that." The
preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to
cook them.

When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the
preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish. His son
replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!"
 
 
A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that
the Pope was on the same flight.

"This is exciting," thought the gentleman. I've always been a big
fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next
to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak
to the Pontiff.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. This
is fantastic, thought the gentleman. I'm really good at
crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for
assistance.

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said,
"Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a
woman that ends in 'u-n-t'?"

Only one word leapt to mind...my goodness, thought the gentleman,
I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another. The gentleman
thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope,
the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."

"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
 
 
A visiting professor at Clemson University is giving a seminar
on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks:
"How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students
raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in
ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40
students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.
Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"--15 students raise
their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a
ghost?"--3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question
further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?

One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is
astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says,
"Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has
ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up
here and tell us about your experience.

The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his
way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what
it's like to have sex with a ghost.

The student replies, "Ghost?!?"

"Dang it, I thought you said 'goats'."
 
 
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the
last instruction of Mother Superior is that they must not get
even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about
this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the
room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the
middle of the project comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?",
calls one of the nuns. "Blind man", replies a voice from the
other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and
shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind
man into the room, they open the door. "Nice tits," says the
man, "Where do you want these blinds?"
 
 
A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head
to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner
on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided,
sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. Before
he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other,
landing on a rock and breaking both legs. That was the good
news. The bad news was the ferocious bear charging at him from a
distance, and he couldn't move. "Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed,
"I'm so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and
hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish...please make
a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!"

That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its
knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right
at the preacher's feet. "Dear God, bless this food I am about to
receive...."
 
 
 
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his
students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because
of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make
sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long
time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is
Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." 

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know!
I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and
waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for
a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked
Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets
up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you
still in there?!'"
 
 
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to
take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in
the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a
tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling
with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel,
chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said, after catching his breath,
"You scared us half to death! We thought you were a ghost! What
are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
 
 
A guy dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter isues him a white robe,
a harp, and his very own cloud to float around on. The guy
thinks this is great. One day he sees another cloud float by.
The guy on that cloud has a gorgeous, naked woman and a keg of
beer with him. The guy finds St. Peter and complains to him.
"How come this guy gets a gorgeous babe and keg of beer, when
all I got is this white robe and a lousy harp? St. Peter says,
"I know just who you're talking about. He's being punished." The
guy can't beleive what he's hearing. "How can that be?" He asks.
"Well," says St. Peter, "The keg has a hole in it, and the girl
doesn't."
 
 
There's this Naval captain, who's just finished a long trek to
South America. 

He gets off the ship and meets up with another captain. During
their conversation, the captain says "You know what really
drives me crazy? All that my crew members want to do is
masturbate all day. It's really pissing me off."

The other captain says "Hey, I know what you're going through.
You know how you can solve this problem? All you need to do is
hold contests to see who can fill up an old oil drum with the
largest amount of semen. Believe me, after these little games,
your men will be too tired of masturbating to even think about
doing it."

"Well, that IS a good idea." The captain said. "But what I'm I
gonna do with all that semen?"

The other captain thought it over and said "Well, you can do
what I did and sell all of it to a candle maker in the area.
I've heard the stuff makes some pretty damn good candles."

Well, the captain took the other captain's advice after that. He
held his little "contests" and sold all of the semen produced to
a local candle maker. 

Then, after a few months at sea, the captain returned to the
same port, only to be greeted by the angry candle maker.

"You know that material you sold me to make new candles?" he
asked. "Yes." the captain answered. "Well I took the candles I
made from that material, and sold them to a local convent."

"And?" the captain asked.

"A few weeks later, all of the nuns got pregnant!"
 
 
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some
horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about
it." "When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked
like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone
line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to
the ground after going only about 10 yards." "Is that when you
swore?" "No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran
out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to
run away." "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior
again. "Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was
running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel
in his talons and began to fly away!" "Is THAT when you swore?"
asks the amazed elder nun. "No, not yet. As the eagle carried
the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the
squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother
Superior, becoming impatient. "No, because the ball fell on a
big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and
stopped about six inches from the hole." The two nuns were
silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You
missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"
 
 
 Ponder these questions when you don't want to think about
important stuff!

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald
man?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't
drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead
of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is
prohibited?

Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?

If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it
have locks on the door?

Why is a bra singular and panties plural?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime,
what does a freedom fighter fight?

If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby
oil?

If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?

If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your
headlights on, what happens?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?

Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called
shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called
cargo?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of
progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If you throw a cat out of the house, does it become kitty litter?

If aspirins are always "Take Two," why not increase the size of
ONE?
 
 
Twenty Fun Things to do at the Takeaway Drive In
1. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, 
using colorful expletives in ways which would 
embarrass the patrons inside. 
2. Drive through backwards. 
3. Belch your order. 
4. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with 
transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers 
are unable to hear each other and, thus, 
each raises his/her volume. 
5. Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac. 
6. Walk through. 
7. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). 
When the manager comes to the mic, 
speak English and inquire as to why 
the order taker had such difficulty understanding you. 
8. Repeat everything the order-taker says. 
9. Attempt to take the order-takers order 
("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get 
a chance to take yours. 
10. Order confusing items, i.e., 
"Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and 
a small medium fries, please". 
11. In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, 
then slip out of line and watch the fun as 
the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food. 
12. When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, 
hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll 
dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells. 
13. Drive through with a carload of naked people. 
14. Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker 
will think there is a problem with the speaker 
and ask you to order at the window. 
When you arrive at the window, 
speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion. 
15. Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food. 
16. Bring along a Mr. Microphone. 
When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at 
their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone 
speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their 
own voice. 
17. One word: Flatulence! 
18. Have a friend hide in the trunk. 
When you approach the window to pickup your order, 
have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk. 
19. If you are a male, 
have a female friend place the order by speaking 
VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. 
When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept 
your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow 
employees have been called over to the window to 
"check out the babe". 
20. Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.
 
 
Dr. Seuss' lost tongue twister 

See if you can do this:
Read each line aloud 
 
This is this cat 
This is is cat 
This is how cat 
This is to cat 
This is keep cat 
This is a cat 
This is dumbass cat 
This is busy cat 
This is for cat 
This is forty cat 
This is seconds cat 






Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top 
Betcha you can't resist passing it on.
 
 
Who is Jack Schitt? The Lineage Revealed. 

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You
don't know Jack Schitt". Now, You can handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt,
the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of
Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious
couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt
and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a
high school dropout.

After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe
later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with
them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe
Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son,
Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable
throughout childhood and consequently, married the Happens
brothers in a dual ceremony.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull
Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He
recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now, when someone say's you don't know Jack Schitt, you can
correct them.
 
 
Moron Test;
1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or no? 

2. How many birthdays does the average man have? 

3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28? 

4. How many outs are there in an inning? 

5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's
sister. 

6. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10. What
do you get? 

7. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many apples are
you left with? 

8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one
every half an hour. How long will the pills last? 

9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep
are left? 

10. How many animals of each sex did Moses bring with him on the
ark? 

11. A butcher in the market is 5' 10" tall. What does he weigh? 

12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen? 

13. What was the President's name in 1960? 

***NO CHEATING*** 

*
*
*
*
*

So how do you think you did? Here are the answers.... 

1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or No? 

Yes. It comes right after the 3rd. 

2. How many birthdays does the average man have? 

One (1). You can only be born once. 

3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28? 

Twelve (12). All of them have at least 28 days. 

4. How many outs are there in an inning? Six (6). 

Don't forget there is a top and bottom to every inning. 

5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's
sister? 

No. He must be dead if it is his widow! 

6. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10. What
do you get? 

Seventy (70). Thirty (30) divided by 1/2 is 60. 

7. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many apples are
you left with? 

Two (2). You take two apples...therefore, YOU have TWO apples. 

8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one
every half and hour. How long will the pills last? 

One hour. If you take the first pill at 1:00, the second at
1:30, and the third at 2:00, the pills have run out and only an
hour has passed. 

9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep
are left? 

Nine (9). like I said, all BUT nine die. 

10. How many animals of each sex did Moses had an ark? 

None. I didn't know that Moses had an ark. 

11. A butcher in the market is 5' 10" tall. What does he weigh? 

Meat...that is self-explanatory. 

12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen? 

Twelve (12). How many eggs are in a dozen? TWELVE...it's a
dozen! 

13. What was the President's name in 1960? 

Bill Clinton. As far as I know, he hasn't changed his name. 

So, how did you do? 

13 correct...GENIUS...you are good!
10-12 correct...ABOVE AVERAGE...but don't let it go to your head
7-9 correct...AVERAGE...but who wants to be average?
4-6 correct...SLOW...pay attention to the question
1-3 correct...IDIOT...what else can I say
0 correct...CONGRATULATIONS, you are a certified MORON!!!
 
 
Guy Rules
1. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be
legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

a) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
b) After wrecking your boss' Ferrari
c) When your date is using her teeth

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is
off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

6. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's
running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes

7. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

8. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for
another man. (In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is
strictly optional.)

9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you
may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may
never ask who's playing.

10 You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have
brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for
the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your
girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when
you're sunning on a tropical beach.... and it's delivered by a
topless supermodel...and it's free.

12. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

13. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't
see nothin'.

14. Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated
as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the
ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

15. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the
death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set
it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

16. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be
talking about his choice of beer.

17. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:

a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
d) Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius?

18. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal
footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all
other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the
conversation you need.

19. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than
you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the
phone; Hang up if necessary.

20. When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only
in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.
 
 
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next
door went nuts.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is
that considered a hostage situation?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting
OUT of the water?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the
Special Olympics?

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a
woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice
as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the
battery is dead?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw
hamburgers?

Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished?
Shouldn't they be called builts?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near
miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!!

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in
charge of everything outdoors?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is
open, it's not a door?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe
you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always
ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of
progress?

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients,
but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons? 

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a
suitcase?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have
monkeys and apes?

Do married people live longer than single people, or does it
just SEEM longer?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the
purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are
they all still working?

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
 
 
A small town farmer had 3 daughters. Being a single father, he
tended to be somewhat over-protective of them. When gentlemen
came to take his daughters out on a date, he would greet them
with a shotgun to make sure that they knew who was boss.

One evening all of his daughters had plans. The doorbell rang,
the farmer got his shotgun and answered the door. A young
gentleman said, "Hi, I'm Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to
the show - Is she ready to go?" The farmer frowned, but decided
to let them go.

The doorbell rang again a few minutes later, the farmer got his
shotgun and answered the door. A young gentleman said, "Hi, I'm
Eddie. I'm here for Betty, We're gonna get spaghetti - Is she
ready?" The farmer frowned but decided to let them go. 

The doorbell rang again after a couple of minutes. The farmer
got his shotgun and answered the door. A young gentleman said,
"Hi, I'm Chuck..." And the farmer shot him.
 
 
T-Shirt Slogans

1. "Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam." (Seen on Cape Cod)

2. "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (Seen on an 8 year old)

3. "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I
Grew Up"

4. "Procrastinate Now."

5. "Rehab Is for Quitters."

6. "My Dog Can Lick Anyone."

7. "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With
That?"

8. "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)

9. "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been
Doing Since 15."

10. "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING."

11. "West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names."

12. "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the
software."

13. "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN."

14. "A hangover is the wrath of grapes."

15. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance."

16. "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"

17. "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music."

18. "MOOSEHEAD: A great beer and a new experience for a moose."

19. "They call it 'PMS' because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already
taken."

20. "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead."

21. "Time's fun when you're having flies...Kermit the Frog."

22. "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN.... Cops have nothing to go
on."

23. "FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once."

24. "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH."

25. "A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a
thousand times the memory."

26. "The Meek shall inherit the earth.... after we're through
with it."

27. "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."

28. "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime
commitment for a pig."

29. "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years."

30. "The trouble with life is there's no background music."

31. "IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?"

32. "Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!"

33. "The original point-and-click interface was a Smith Wesson."

34. "MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT."

35. "Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit."

36. "Computer programmers know how to use their hardware."

37. "MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup
team."

38. "Nyquil - The stuffy, sneezy,
why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine."

39. "Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."

40. "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He
thought he was God, and I didn't."
 
 
 
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves,
and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind
them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is
galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following;
"Emma comes first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I
come again. Two asses they come together again. I come again and
pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In
this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" 

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "I'mma just tellun my
friend howa to spella Mississippi."
 
 
An WWII American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe
for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He
caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England,
then caught a train to London.

The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He
was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking
for any place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with
seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each
seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady,
with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.

"Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked. The lady looked
down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans
are so rude" she said, "Can't you see my dog is sitting there?"

He walked through the train more and still could not find a
seat. He found himself back at the same place. "Lady, I love
dogs - have a couple at home so I would be glad to hold your dog
if I can just sit down" he said. The lady wrinkled her nose and
snorted, "You Americans are not only rude, you are arrogant."

He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he
finally said, "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for
three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I
just please sit there and hold your dog?" The lady replied, "You
Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also
obnoxious."

With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped it, picked up the
dog, threw it out the window and sat down. The lady was
speechless.

An older neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other
seat spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans
fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you
Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side
of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you
have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!"
 
 
It may be that your whole purpose in life is to serve as a
warning to others.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who
annoy me.

At least you're not being rectally probed by aliens.

What if, at this very moment, you are living up to your full
potential?

The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. Take
this milk. Why do we drink *cow* milk?? Who was the guy who
first looked at a cow and said, "I think I'll drink whatever
comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em.

My favorite poem is the one that starts "Thirty days have
September" because it actually tells you something.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse
can happen to you the rest of the day. 

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.

We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and
clap as they go by.

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

My ambition is to live forever - so far, so good!

Don't follow in my footsteps, because I run into a lot of walls.

Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting.

Don't talk about yourself so much... we'll do that when you
leave.

If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then
lie.

This morning I looked down at my unmade bed and decided that it
was art in another medium and I should not destroy it.

If you can't say anything nice...come sit by us.

Know what I'm thinking? No. Neither do I; frightening, isn't it?

If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.

Never say "OOPS!" always say "Ah, Interesting!"

This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.
 
 
'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat.

The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.

The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook,

It was time for some for some pussy, fuck reading that book.

Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude,

Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,

That I lost my boner and momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,

Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,

Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.

With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,

A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite

And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.

"Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, hey Dickfore, whoa Putz,

Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts."

"Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,

Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,

Just as Santa leaned out and puked on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard something splatter,

As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.

I put on my jacket to cover my ass,

When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all covered with dip spit galore,

He looked like a bum and smelled like a whore.

"I'm all fuckin' shit-canned ," he said with a smile,

"And Rudolf was farting the last half-a mile."

He walked to the kitchen, for himself poured a drink,

Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh, as my wife turned around

Santa was hung half way to the ground.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,

But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,

The next was a manual on how to pop zits.

A dime bag of reefer was Santa's next find,

And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.

A boarding school pisser, a penis extension,

And several other things that I can't even mention.

A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,

And a bong that was wrapped with aluminium foil.

"This stuff's not for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,

So I'll leave it all here, and then I'll just split."

He filled both our stockings, looked at my wife's cleave. 

And tucked my son's crack pipe up under his sleeve. 

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, 

Made it out of the chimney, on my roof smacked his head.
                            
In time he was seated, took the reigns of his hitch,
                           
Saying, "Take me home, Rudolph, the night's been a bitch!"

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,

"The best thing about college, is that the beer won't run out.
 
 
An office manager had money problems and had to fire an
employee, either Jack or Jill... He thought he'd fire the
employee who came late to work. The next morning, both employees
came to work very early.

So the manager thought he would fire the first one who took a
coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee
break.

Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch
break. Strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that
day, they both ate at their desk.

Then the manager thought he'd wait to see who would leave work
the earliest, but both employees stayed after closing.

Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to
her and said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know
whether to lay you or Jack off." Jill said, "Well, you'd better
jack off, because I'm late for my bus."
 
 
Everybody who has a dog calls it something like "Rover" or
"Spot" or "Bruno" But I thought I'd call my dog "Sex."

Now my dog, Sex, has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to
the city hall to renew his license, I told the clerk I would
like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too".
Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what
she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had
Sex since I was nine years old." He said that I must have been
quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with
us. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and
me, and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the
hotel was for sex. So I finally said, "You don't understand. Sex
keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition
began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was
just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to
have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold my
own tickets. "But you don't understand," I told him, "I had
hoped to have Sex on TV." HE called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for
custody of the dog. I told the judge, "Your honor, I had Sex
before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him
that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too." 

Last night Sex ran away. I spent hours looking for him around
town. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in
this alley at four o'clock in the morning?" I told him, "I'm
looking for Sex."

My trial comes up Friday 
 
 
A family of three lived in a small farm: the parents and a kid.

One day dad went off to work and mom told the boy what his
chores were for that day: First feed the pigs, then put the
chickens back in the cage, and then let the cows out in the
field to graze.

The boy went out to feed the pigs. He was in a very bad mood for
having to do such stupid chores, but he didn't want to disobey
his mom so he fed the pigs like he should; but he hit them with
sticks and grumbled to himself. Next he went to put the chickens
in their cage; but while putting them into the cage he started
kicking and yelling at them. And last he went to let the cows
out in the field; since he was still in a bad mood he started
chasing the cows and yelling at them.

Mom saw all this happen and when the boy came back from his
chores she told him, "I saw the way you threw stuff at the pigs,
so for a week you don't get any bacon for breakfast. I also saw
the way you kicked and yelled at the chickens so for one week no
eggs or chicken. I also saw the way you chased the cows while
putting them out in the field, so no hamburgers for you for a
week."

Later that day, the dad came home from a terrible day at work.
As the dad walked up to the house he almost tripped over the
cat. "Damn cat!" So he kicked it really hard.

The boy turned to his mom and asked, "Should I tell him or
should you?"
 
 
Two sisters inherited the family ranch. Unfortunately, after
just a few years, they were in financial trouble. In order to
keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they needed to
purchase a bull so that they could breed their own stock. 

The sister who balanced their checkbook, a brunette, took their
last 600 dollars out west to a ranch where a man had a prize
bull for sale. Upon leaving, she told her blonde sister, "When I
get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to
drive out after me and haul it home." 

The brunette arrived at the man's ranch, inspected the bull, and
decided she did want to buy it. The man told her that he would
sell it for 599 dollars, no less. After paying him, she drove to
the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the
news. 

She walked into the telegraph office, and said, "I want to send
a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for
our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck
and drive out here so we can haul it home." 

The telegraph operator explained that he'd be glad to help her,
then added, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for
the bull, the brunette only had 1 dollar left. She realized that
she'd only be able to send her sister one word. 

After thinking for a few minutes, she nodded, and said, "I want
you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"

The telegraph operator shook his head. "How is she ever going to
know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck
and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you
send her the word, 'comfortable'?" 

The sister explained, "She'll read it very slowly:
Come-for-the-bull"
 
 
"Today in class", said Mrs. Johnson the kindergarten teacher.
"Were going to play a guessing game".

"Ok here we go, its a fruit, its yellow, and tastes good".
Little Susie raised her hand. "its a lemon!" "No I'm sorry its a
banana but I'm glad to se your thinking"

"Next one, its red, a fruit, grows on trees ". "Its a ball, "No
its a apple but I'm glad to see your thinking".

Little Johnny stands up and says "I got one, ok it long and
hard, has a pink tip and is in my pocket." "JOHNNY!" "That's
inappropriate."

"It's a pencil but I'm glad to see your thinking."
 
 
A man walks into a bar carrying three ducks under his arms. The
bartender has learned not to question people when they bring
animals into the bar. So the man sits down and starts to drink.
After a while the man gets up and walks to the bathroom. When
the man leaves the bartender looks at the ducks and starts to
talk to them.

"So what are your names?"

The first duck responds, "My name is Hewi."

So then the bartender goes, "And how was your day?"

The first ducks says, "Great! I was in and out of puddles all
day long."

So the bartender goes to the second duck and asks, "What's your
name?"

The second duck says, "My name is Dewi."

Again the bartender asks, "And how was your day?"

The duck responds, "Great! I was in and out of puddles all day."

So the bartender goes to the third duck and goes, "Your name
must be Loui then."

"No," replies the duck. "I'm Puddles and don't ask about my
fucking day."
 
 
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told
him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first
thing the manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a
namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone
by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a
breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last
name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be
referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that
straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
 
 
This could get you in trouble...

The following is immoral, stupid, possibly illegal, and perhaps
dangerous. Oh, and its likely to piss some people off as well.
But it is fun to think about though.

//==============================================//

Call 911, tell ''em its an emergency, you're hungry and try to
order a pizza.

Try to commandeer a police car.

Buy a T-Shirt that says, "Ask me how your wife was."

Answer your phone, "What the fuck do you want!?"

Call AT&T and ask for rates of three of their competitors.

If you manage to get the rates for three of AT&Ts competitors,
say, "I can top that" then hang up.

If you're in a place and some GUYS cell phone rings, blurt out,
"Tell your wife I'M unavailable!"

Answer your phone "Who's your daddy!?"

Try to buy drugs from a police officer.

Next time some one says, "You bet your ass." Tell 'em you don't
swing that way

Get a gas can, wash it out really REALLY good, poke a small hole
in the bottom of the can so it will leak. Next Get a really big
cigar, light it, fill the gas can with water and walk down the
street with a lit cigar and a gas can leaking. Hold the cigar in
the same hand as the gas can.

If your really bored and have a lot of money you don't need (I
could use it!) try to sue Microsoft.

Dress up like a shark and drive around the beach in a jeep.

Buy some condoms and ask the pharmacist if his/her daughter is
home.

Super glue some ones car door shut.

Try to sell some one else's car that is parked on the side of
the street.

Next time you over hear a conversation and you hear any foul
language, say "Watch your fucking mouth, asshole! the fucking
nerve of some people, Jesus fucking Christ! I've never heard so
much fucking profanity in my fucking life, SHIT!"

Sing out loud, Yankee doodle dandy, but change the lyrics to,
"Yank my noodle, Sandy"

Stare at someone until they look back at you. Ask 'em, "What the
fuck are you looking at?"

Wipe your ass with a dollar bill then toss it out onto a busy
side walk. Watch the fun!

Tell all the people on the sales floor of your local K-mart or
what ever, that their vacuums suck.
 
 
Schwartznegger has a big one,
Michael J. Fox has a small one,
Madonna doesn't have one,
The POPE has one but doesn't use it,
Clinton uses his all the time,
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one,
George Burns' was hot,
Liberace NEVER used his on women,
Jerry Seinfeld is very very proud of his,
We never saw Lucy use Desi's
What is it?
 .
 .
 .
 .
 .
A last name....... Were you thinking of something else? 
 
 
This quiz has been around since we were kids. Remember the
answers?

1. If a plane crashed on the border of the USA and Canada, where
   should the survivors be buried?
2. How many species of each animal did Moses take aboard the ark?
3. How many months have 28 days?
4. How far can a bear walk into the woods?
5. What is the value of coin dated 24 B.C.?
6. How many grooves does a 45rpm phonograph record have?
7. A camper leaves her camp, hikes 1 mile south, then 1 mile
   east where she sees a bear. Then she hikes 1 mile north to
   arrive at her camp. What color is the bear?
8. If a rooster lays an egg on the peak of a roof , will the egg
   roll to the left side or to the right side?
9. If a south bound electric train is traveling at a rate of 66
   miles per hour and the wind is blowing to the north at 35
   miles per hour, which way will the smoke blow?
10. On which side of a chicken are the most feathers?

ANSWERS:

1. You don't bury survivors.
2. Moses didn't have an Ark, Noah did.
3. All twelve of them.
4. Half way, then he is walking out of the woods.
5. Nothing, a coin could not be dated BC.
6. One (spiraling) on each side.
7. The camp must be at the north pole, therefore the bear is
   white.
8. Roosters don't lay eggs, chickens do.
9. Electric trains don't blow smoke.
10. The outside.
 
 
Two whales, a male and female, are swimming off the coast of
Japan when the male whale looks up and sees the whaling ship
that killed his father five years ago. Excited at the
opportunity to avenge his father's death, the male whale says to
the female, "Let's go underneath the ship and blow air through
our blow holes. That ought to knock their boat over, and make
them think twice about killing innocent whales."

The female whale agrees, and the plan works perfectly. Once the
whaling ship has completely sunk, the male whale notices that
most of the sailors are making their way back to the shore by
either swimming or in lifeboats. Not willing to let them get
away so easily, the male whale yells "They're going to shore.
Let's go gobble them up!" Suddenly, the female whale becomes
less cooperative. "Hey!", she says, "I agreed to the blowjob,
but I'm not swallowing any seamen!"
 
 
There was once a 16-year-old boy named Deeper in the tenth
grade. He was always acting up in school, so his parents were
asked to come to meet with the principal. While they were in the
meeting, Deeper was asked to keep himself busy, and so he went
to the classroom of his homeroom teacher where she was grading
papers. She was dressed in a tight blouse and a mini skirt, and
just the sight of her made him hard, so he walked over to her
and turned her chair toward him. He told her, "God, you make me
hard. Feel my dick!"

Shocked, she said no, but he told her that his parents were
meeting with the principal and that if she didn't, he'd tell on
her, and then the principal would fire her. So fearing for her
job, she reached out and grabbed the bulge at his pants. He
moaned and told her to get naked. Again, she was shocked and
refused, but again he threatened her that the principal would
fire her, and so she agreed and got naked. He smiled and got
naked himself. Kissing her and throwing her onto the desk, he
started pounding away at her, and she was moaning and gasping
with the best orgasm of her life when his parents walked into
the room. They all screamed in unison, "DEEPER!" and he looked
up at them and said, "I'M TRYING!"
 
 
A man had just moved to the United States, and he was having
trouble with the English language. He was walking along the
street one day when he passed a liquor store. The man decided
that he could really use a drink, so he decided to go in.
"Excuse me," he said to the clerk. "Where can I find a butt?" "A
butt?" asked the confused worker. "Oh oh, you must mean a BUD,"
and he sold the foreign man a six pack of Bud Light.

The man continued walking along, and soon he came upon a
hardware store. He thought of all the gardening that he had to
do at his new house, so he decided to go in. "Excuse me sir," he
said to a man wearing an apron. "Can you show me where I can
find a fucket?" "A fucket? Oh oh, you must mean a BUCKET," and
the clerk sold the foreigner a 10-gallon bucket.

The man kept walking until he came to a pet store. In the
window, he saw the most beautiful cockerspaniel. He simply had
to have the dog. "Excuse me," he said to the woman behind the
counter. "I want to buy that cockandspankit." "Cockandspankit?"
asked the confused woman. "Oh oh, you must be talking about that
COCKERSPANIEL," and she sold the man the cockerspaniel.

The man was headed back home with his purchases, when all of a
sudden, the dog's leash slips out of his hand. The man is
frantic, but he spots a police officer. "Officer!" exclaims the
foreigner. "Would you please hold my butt and fuckit, while I go
get my cockandspankit?"
 
 
This is how to answer to a knock-knock joke. Example:

Knock knock.

Come in!

No, you're supposed to say, who's there?

But I know who you are.

Pretend you don't.

Okay. Hello! My name is Bill! Who are you?

Now you've got it. Knock knock.

Hello! It's nice to meet you!

No! Say, who's there!

Who's there!

It's Amos.

What a funny name. I thought you were Susie.

I'm Amos.

You mean all these years you've been lying to me?!?

No, no... It's part of the joke. Play along.

Okay.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Amos.

Amos? I don't know anybody named Amos!

Rrrrrgggggg!

Knock, knock.

GO AWAY!!!
 
 
Why Did the chicken cross the road?
JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people
see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going
to the "other side." That's what "they" call it: the "other
side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat
that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all
chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal
media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the
other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road.
It's as plain and simple as that.

KEN STARR:
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the
behest of the President of the United States of America in an
effort todistractlaw enforcement officials and the American
public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official
has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just
another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to
obstruct justice an undermine the rule of law. For that reason,
my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity
provided he cooperates fully with our investigation.
Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the
other side of the road until our investigation and any

Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed.(We
also are investigatingwhetherSid Blumenthal has leaked
information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to
be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the
bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.)

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal a job from a decent,hardworking American. Dr. Suses:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not
been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross
roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was
good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX:
It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSAIN:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite
justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN:
What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more
chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed
the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross
roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and
balance your checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable
part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move
beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by
chicken. Could you define chicken please?

LOUIS FARRAKHAN:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken
crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him
down.

THE BIBLE:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the
chicken,"Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the
road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS:
I missed one?