PROLOGUE: Captain Eric J. Smithschoff is having lunch with Mr. J. Hogan Ismay, discussing the progress of the mammoth pro wrestling vessel, the "Unbeatable" T.N.T. Nitroanic.

Smithschoff: "We're continuing to make record ratings, Mr. Ismay - I see no reason to press our luck. Besides, I’ve been hearing warnings of potential disaster resulting from Dusty Rhodes’ bookings."

Ismay: "But think of the headlines we could make, Caption Smithschoff, by having more wrestling matches per broadcast hour than any other organization out there! And I’m sure the concerns over Rhodes are nothing to worry about. After all, this vessel is "unbeatable"! But of course, I'm just an employee in this organization...you do what you think best."

NOW BEGINS OUR STORY.

The scene is on board the "Unbeatable" T.N.T. Nitroanic, on a cold day in Hell when, less than one hour into the evening's card, the unthinkable happens. It's a moonless night and a very quiet calm...suddenly, a huge noise erupts from below - a cacophony of sound rises up, rumbling the floor as explosions go off, bright lights flash and sparks fly!! The phone rings up in the Nitroanic control booth...

Fifth Officer Hennig: "Captain Smithschoff, sir - GOLDBERG DEAD AHEAD!"

Smithschoff: "Omigod!! He’s on an hour and a half early! Perhaps we shouldn't have disregarded all those booking reports that were sent up all afternoon…what’s the estimated time until the Jackhammer?"

Hennig: "E.T.A. until Jackhammer - 30 seconds!"

Smithschoff: "Full cut to commercial! We must prolong the match through the break to have a chance to sustain the ratings!!"

Fourth Officer Rude: "There's a light in the distance, sir…I believe it's the SS Warrior! We've tried signaling..."

Smithschoff: "Keep trying - and get the "Flairs" ready just in case.

Rude: "Still no response, sir."

Smithschoff: "Why isn't the Warrior responding? It MUST see us! And why haven't we cut to commercial yet? GO TO COMMERCIAL, DAMMIT!!"

Second Officer Hart: "Too late, sir - the match has ended."

Smithschoff: "I need a damage report! Get Mr. Andrews to evaluate the damage and then have him report to me on the double!"

Sixth Officer Konnan: "Aye-aye, sir."
 
 

Smithschoff: "What's the extent and outcome of the damage, Mr. Andrews?"

Andrews: "I've been reviewing the Nielsen reports, and based on my calculations, a Goldberg match finale, unless immediately followed up by the Main Event, will cause rating shares to gradually drop every quarter-hour. So we have approximately 2 hours left."

Ismay: "But- but- this show is "Unbeatable"! We can't lose ratings!! We’ll just have to go to the Main Event now! We'll have to get a schedule change from the network!"

Smithschoff: "Mr. Andrews, is there a possibility of getting an emergency schedule change by the network?"

Andrews: "No, sir. 'Barbarella' is scheduled to come on promptly at 11:06 - this show WILL end in 2 hours!"

First Officer Leslie: "We'll have to start rescuing matches and angles to keep as many viewers as we can. What do we do, sir?"

Smithschoff: "Give the order to the bookers... Luchadores and Tag Teams first. Then it will be every mid-carder for himself."
 
 

-- Brad Armstrong is shot as he tries to do a run-in on Rey Mysterio, Jr. vs. Juventud Guerrera in Luchadore Match #1 ... -- Lodi is caught and thrown over the railing as his wig and dress fall off while he tries to get into Luchadore Match #4 ... -- Many jobbers find themselves trapped below in the locker rooms, unable to either make a break from the arena or get into a match… -- Raven appears at ringside, hollering, "Hey! What about Raven? I don't want to be left behind! What about ME!?" Climbing over the top rope trying to get into Tag Team Match #3, he disappears beneath the ringpost as "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan, brought up only to help guard the match, strikes him with his two-by-four... -- the Nitro Girls continue valiantly dancing on to keep the crowd's interest as the ratings continue to founder (some eyewitnesses swear the last dance was to 'Nearer My Ted to Thee') ...

As the card continues and panic sets in, matches continue to run less than their maximum allowed time. Tag Team Match #6, for instance, scheduled for 20 minutes, only lasted 12 minutes. J. Hogan Ismay is wringing his hands, thinking "What can I do!?". Then Ismay overhears something that gives him an idea:

Third Officer Hall: "Captain Smithschoff, we’re quietly loading some of our mid-carders into the nWo limousines outside, to save them from being associated with this impending disaster. We’re being as discrete as we can so as to avoid a rush on the limos."
 
 

Second Officer Sid Eudy: "Captain Hellwig, it looks as if that organization is trying to contact us."

Hellwig: "It's probably just a lesser-known, independent federation. I'm going to go to bed - call me if something important happens like a good match or if they have any REALLY good high-dollar contracts to offer."
 
 

It's now nearly 90 minutes later - Nitroanic is really taking a great ratings loss, and the situation looks grim. Captain Smithschoff orders Quartermasters Benoit and McMichaels to begin sending up "Flairs" by flashing the "Four Horsemen" sign. Upon doing so, the crowd "ooo’s" and "ahhh’s" at the spectacle, but soon loses interest. The signals fail to garner any real attention, and Nitroanic sinks farther and farther... faster and faster. On the SS Warrior, 2nd Officer Eudy brings the "Flairs" to Captain Hellwig's attention, but he passes them off as signals suggesting favorable inter-company litigation settlement and contract negotiations.

Time is running out and people are getting desperate - yet noble efforts continue. Miss Elizabeth, in the ring with "Macho Man" Randy Savage, looks out forlornly at Scott Norton and Vincent.

Elizabeth: "We must go back and get them in this match - there's room in the ring for them! Let me go taunt them into getting in the ring!"

Savage: "NO! That would only get us disqualified and sink this match immediately! We can't jeopardize our careers at the expense of saving them! We must think of ourselves now!"

At the same time Savage’s opponent, Diamond Dallas Page, tries to send Kimberly home.

DDP: "You and the other girls have done your duty. Now go save yourself while I stay here and try to keep the ratings up!"

Kimberly: "No, Dallas…we've been together many years, and where you go - I go."

By now the Nitroanic is down to a 2.5 in the ratings with only the final quarter to go. J. Hogan Ismay has been coming out on occasion to muster support among the crew and help the lesser members of the nWo into awaiting limousines. But as the last limousine readies to pull out, Ismay looks around for more members…

Ismay: "Are there no more nWo-ites to ride?! No one!?"

The limo starts to pull away, but Ismay quickly jumps in beside the driver. The driver stops momentarily as Third Officer Hall, who had been helping people in the limo, simply stares in disbelief at Ismay. Ismay turns away, not able to watch the horror of the sinking Nitroanic. Hall sends the limo on its way in disgust.

Five minutes before eleven, Captain Smithschoff gives his final order, "Every wrestler for himself!!!" Officers Nash and Giant attempt to set up the Collapsible Cage in a last ditch effort to save their own careers. They are only able to get it up haphazardly when Sting and Roddy Piper come out to make a last desperate jump for it! The Collapsible succumbs to its own weight and breaks down as the copyright notice comes on the screen. The show then fades to black as bodies thrash about in the arena, and desperate cries of extended television time go unheeded.

EPILOGUE: On this night, 1523 ratings shares were lost in the great tragedy of the T.N.T. Nitroanic. The loss was due to an attitude of complacency and "What if's." What if they hadn't booked Goldberg so soon? What if they had guaranteed a match for every single quarter-hour? What if the SS Warrior had come to the rescue? What if...? What if...? Could the Warrior have done more in a sincere effort to help? Perhaps this song could provide at least one final clue?

"THE RUMORS WILL GO ON"

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"Every night on the 'Net I see you, I feel you That is how I know you go on."

"All across the Web And intranets between us You have come to show you go on."

"Near, far, wherever the hell you are I believe that the rumors do go on Once more, someone's seen the Warrior And here on the 'Net The rumors will go on and on."

"He was seen one time Backstage at the arena in Anaheim Now on Nitro, he's supposed to go on."

"Great was when I watched you, My hero to hold on to In my web-surfing we'll go on."

"Near, far, wherever the hell you are I believe that the rumors do go on Once more, someone's seen the Warrior And here on the 'Net The rumors will go on and on."

"You're crazed, and I'm still amazed How I know that the rumors go on. You'll stay, forever away You are safe in the 'Net And the rumors will go on and on."