The schematics of Hell, many Bothans died to bring us this
information...
NAME: Dorothy (she has a
last name, but finding it actually takes effort)
MOBILE SUIT:
Can’t afford one. She built a fort out of her couch cushions and pretends that
it is Gundam 06.
ETHNICITY: Bitch
HEIGHT: Can change
height and weight in her various manifestations.
Being Satan’s bitch has its perks.
WEIGHT: See above
EYE COLOR:
Unknown. Every time I try to
look, I see her eyebrows and run screaming
EYEBROW COLOR:
God, I have to look at her AGAIN??!! They don’t pay me enough for
this.
TURN-ONS: Relena Peacecraft, watching people get blown up in an orgy of
explosions, talking to herself, hitting her head on the steering wheel,
Safeway brand eyebrow gel, trying to poke Heero with a stick
TURN-OFFS:
Peace, love, and happiness; driving on roads; dialogue which makes sense
Dorothy: n. (dór tee)
1. anglicized version of “Dorothea”, meaning “gift of God” in
Greek. 2. Name of the central
character in the fantasy novel The Wizard of Oz by Lyman Frank Baum
3. Psycho-bitch.
Dorothy. The very name sends grown men into spasms of terror.
She’s the type of women who can make straight men go gay (which would
explain a lot in this series). When
she’s not cruising along in her solid gold Cadillac or matching golden space
shuttle, she is tagging behind “Miss” Relena.
She can frequently be heard talking to herself because she has no real
friends (for who could ever learn to love a beast. . .uh, bitch).
Furthermore, most of her rantings are nonsensical.
She goes off in these long, pointless stories which only make sense to
a sober Russian Prime Minister (good luck finding one).
She also loves saying things like “the spider enters the lion’s
web” or “the Sanc Kingdom will fall like a house of dominoes.”
What I still don’t get is how she could just take over command of the
friggin White Fang Death Star (whoops, I mean Libra) without anyone objecting!
No wonder those dumbasses lost their crappy war!
I can just imagine the board meeting they had at Bandai when coming up
with good ol’ psycho-bitch:
Animation
Director: So, how can we make the
bitch even bitchier?
Screen
Writer: I know!
Lets make her get off at the sight of people getting blown up in an
orgy of explosions!
Creative
Consultant (in a drunken stupor): I like caaaake.
Animation
Director: Good point.
Let’s also make her wear the same god-awful dress every episode.
It cuts down on the budget.
Sreen
Writer: It’s agreed. Pass out the brewskies!
Animation
Director: I thought we already
did. . .
Creative
Consultant: caaaaaaake. . .
If
you watch the show, you know that I am intentionally leaving something out.
Well, it was all leading up to this anyway. No profile of Dorothy can be complete without mentioning
(shudder) her eyebrows.
Hitler
had his mustache, Napoleon had his height, and Black Beard had his, uh, black
beard. Dorothy wins
the prize however. Forged
in the sixth layer of hell, Dorothy’s eyebrows can only be described as
demonic. They give
off a grayish hue, suggesting that Dorothy is not a real blonde.
Upon closer inspection of the picture below, the reptilian
qualities become apparent.
You would also notice how her eyebrows jostle out of her skull, not
unlike the antennae of the rare South African grasshopper.
What purpose do these protrusions serve?
Modern science can not yet answer that.
Perhaps she beams messages back to her home planet of Qzlion with them.
Or maybe she uses them to gore prey like a moose’s antlers.
Of course they can also be used in some type of undocumented mating
ritual. Whatever