Note: This was written by GGH a long time ago. It has never seen the light of day, but he's sneakily putting it up and writing about his deed in the third person even though most of the good parts were incorporated into other pieces on this site. Which means the only things in this you haven't seen in some form or another really suck. In fact, this whole article is lame as hell. But I'm -- I mean, he -- is putting it up anyway, just because. It's a historical document, dammit!

The cartoon that inspired this little rant of mine was the atrocity known as Gundam Wing. To give you a glimpse of the fantastic absurdity of this series, let me acquant you with the cast of characters. Most of them pilot giant robots that were clearly stolen from outtakes of old Transformers episodes.

God, why am I even putting this up? All the good parts are old! Cursed by my laziness. I mean, devotion to those who haven't seen the series. We must spare them that traumatic experience at all costs.

Ahh, doesn't that bring back memories. I remember stealing that line from the character review from this very site. (Before I was part of it.) Yes, the good old days of stealing the intellectual property of others.

Then there’s his girlfriend, a pacifist. The first words Heero says to her are "I will kill you." Apparently this sort of thing turns her on, for she spends the rest of the series chasing after him.

Let's see... I think this got stuck in the Relena character bio. Aren't these italicized interjections annoying as hell?

Another inhabitent in the crazed Gundam universe is a blonde, blue eyed Arab named Quatre. (The producers in this series didn’t have to many ideas for names, half of the characters are named after french numbers. Une, Duo, Quatre, Treize, Quinze... The list goes on and on.) Anyway, ol’ Quatre is a real nice guy. Sure he spends his time killing people, but then so does everyone else in the series. (He also blew up a space colony, but don’t we all make mistakes.) In one scene, he’s telling some girl how kind she is while she’s stabbing him in the liver. (I’m not making this up.) Fortunately, he seems to have a backup liver, because he’s back in action for the next episode.

And yet I keep making them. I wonder why...

Trowa, another character, is notable only for dressing up like a clown and using to much hair gel. (Guess what? He’s a pyscho too.)

Maybe I'm trying to hide the fact that this article blows. Or maybe I have a deeper purpose.

Then there’s Wufei, a fellow whose about as garrulous as a file cabinet. All he seems to do is yell at inanimate objects and -- you guessed it -- blow things up. He is also a terrorist. (He blew up a dormitory full of cadets. Afterwards he yelled at hyenas. If you haven’t guessed already, this show has no shortage of pyschopaths.)

...Maybe I'm really just trying to piss you off.

Or convince you to visit DAC. Maybe I'm trying to get you to visit RIGHT NOW!

Now for the punchline, the really scary part. The psychopath, the dumb blonde, the hair gel clown, the terrorist, and the acid peddling priest are the good guys.

As punchlines go, that one really sucked. Geez... Was I drunk when I wrote this?

This begs an obvious question: if these are the good guys, who are the bad guys. Well, to be honest, I’m not exactly sure either. (I’ve heard that if you watch all the episodes three times and take notes you can figure it out.) My guess would be the guy who wants to destroy the world in order to achieve “total pacifism,” but it’s hard to argue his logic. Destroying the world would end all war. Of course, the fascist in the nineteenth century uniform wouldn’t be a bad guess either. They make him European so you won’t mistake him for Tojo. (Believe me, I’m not exagerating here.)

HA! Fooled you. An actual part of the article in italics. Don't go back in read it, it's all in the Treize/Zechs bios. In fact, stop reading and visit DAC.

The role of the Gundam pilots (our heroes) in all of this is to fly around and shoot at everyone else. “Everyone else” consists of the dubious pacifist, the fascist, and hordes of robots who fly around firing randomly until someone shoots them down. (Only main characters are allowed to aim.) Throughout all of this, the characters talk nonsensically about the “beauty of war,” how to achieve peace, and who is going to destroy whom while corny background music tries -- in vain, I might add -- to give the whole thing the appearence of a drama.

Well, SOMEONE isn't good at following directions. Go back to the index. And be quick about it.

I can't stress enough how moronic the dialogue. I think someone was testing that theory about the thousand monkeys with typewriters and decided to market the result. My favorite line is when the psychopath (I don't remember which one) yells "I will survive" while hurtling towards earth. It's supposed to be dramatic, but all I could think of is roller disco. (You know the song I'm talking about, right?) Strangely, it somehow fit the whole moronic nature of the show. (For more of these poetic gems, click here. Sorry, this feature is not yet here. ) This all goes on for a hundred episodes or so, until somehow our heroes manage to save the world and bring peace. Then everyone lives happily ever after. (How the pyschos manage to get by in a peaceful world is beyond me, but the story says they’re happy, so...)

Until the sequal, anyway.

And at the time I was kidding. There actually was a sequel. Now out. There's nothing more to be learnt from this sad attempt at a guide. Back, back!

--GGH