On the Battlefield Antarctica (where else?) stand two combatants. A freezing gust blows their hair and chills them to the bone. Only the fiery hatred in their hearts serves as protection against the elements. Relena and Dorothy have journeyed to this partly-frozen continent (global warming sucks) to settle their mutual disgust of each other. Only one will leave alive.
Referee Mills Lane: You know the rules, two men enter, one man leaves... wait a minute you're women... ah the hell with it. Weapons will be supplied during the fight. You will only win after your opponent is dead.
Both Dorothy and Relena nod their heads. Their eyes are locked and will only be broken after one or the other is a lifeless corpse.
Referee Mills Lane: Let's get it on!
With the primal howl of a prehistoric chipmunk, Relena charges at Dorothy. Her arms are outstretched with intent of squeezing the life out of her competitor.
Dorothy stands in her place with a confidant smile on her face.
Dorothy: You can't kill me Relena, you're a pacifist.
Relena reaches Dorothy and clasps here hand around the throat of her victim.
Dorothy: You.....can't.....do....this.....what's.....happ...ening?
Relena: Time to die bitch! Heero is my man! You don't think I've noticed how you've been stalking him. It wasn't a coincidence that both you and he were visiting L3 at the same time. You slut! Ever since Zechs disappeared you've been throwing yourself at Heero. Admit it!
Dorothy's eyes start to bulge. She tries to talk but is unable to as the blood stops rushing to her head. Then out of the corner of her eye she spies a cattle-prod. With her last remaining seconds of consciousness, Dorothy grasps the prod and zaps Relena. The hapless Princess is thrown a few feet back and flops onto the snow. Dorothy regains her composure.
Dorothy: Face it Relena you just don't match with Heero. He's a blood thirsty psychopath and you're a flower child pansy. What could you ever offer Heero besides target practice? Heero and I belong together. He and I could go on killing sprees together. You would just hold him back from what he loves to do. I would let him get into all the orgies of destruction he desires. For as the Sanc kingdom falls like a drowned monkey you will die today.
Relena is dazed and confused. Dorothy moves in with the cattle prod to finish Relena off. Somehow Dorothy's eyebrows grow larger as they sense the impending kill.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a club smacks Dorothy on the back of the head. It's Duo!
Duo: Sorry to step in ladies but Heero is for the God of Death!
Relena and Dorothy stare at Duo with very perplexed expressions.
Duo: NO! Not like that! You sickos! Sure he and the God of Death cuddle a bit... but nothing like that. It's just that if he was with either of you two he and the God of Death wouldn't be able to go out joyriding like they do now. The God of Death kinda likes you two, but you both must die at the hands of the God of Death.
Relena (Still dazed even though the cattle prod has worn off by now): Why are you referring to yourself as the God of Death in third person?
Duo: The God of Death does not understand you.
Referee Mills Lane: Stop yapping you Bob Dole wannabe and do something!
Duo: Oh, sorry... (Turns to Relena and Dorothy and takes out a grenade) Prepare to burn in the unquenchable fire of the God of Death's nuclear hand grenade.
Duo pulls the pin from his nuclear hand grenade.
Referee Mills Lane: That is not allowed! Oh ****!
Dorothy: A NUCLEAR hand grenade?! What kind of a dumbass are you? You're going to vaporize us all! What the **** are you thinking?
Duo: Uhhhhhhh...The God of Death thought it sounded good at the time.
Referee Mills Lane: This sucks worse than the sissy slap fight between Jar Jar Binks and John Travolta.
Relena: HEEEEEEEEEEEERO!! COME SAVE ME!!!
With the ensuing fire ball of radiation and crushing shockwave the Pansy v. Psycho battle is concluded. What have we learned from this momentous clash between a prissy princess and a bloodthirsty blond? That nuclear hand grenades are not a viable arms commodity. It ain't much of a lesson, but it's more than I was expecting from this sappy fight.