A Parody of Wufeisucks

A disclaimer: The characters in this thing are purely fictitious. Any resemblance to persons alive or dead is purely coincidental. And even if it was based on the staff of Wufeisucks, I’m sure they would realize it was all in good fun. Or something like that. For the rest of the disclaimers, click here.

The scene is a shantytown beneath an overpass outside of San Francisco. The dwellings consist largely of cardboard and plastic tarps. Traffic zooms by overhead. In one particularly decrepit shelter are three people. Well, if you're generous. On of the three, Heavvyarms, which twitches in one corner, resembles a less wholesome version of the honeycomb creature. Another, with a more distinctly humanoid form, is working diligently on an old TV set and modem, as well as a slew of other electrical parts. The third, Deathscythhe, is fiddling anxiously with another TV set. Several other people are standing outside, looking at the TV and prodding Deathscythhe to finish.

Gundamnut1: Hurry up, Death. It'll come on soon. We can't miss it! Not today!

Deathscythhe: Okay, okay. Maybe we need some tinfoil.

(One of the people runs off to fetch tin foil. They search through an enormous pile of rubbish nearby.)

WingZeroe: There! I've got an internet connection going again.

Deathscythhe: All right! The gundam colony is online again.

Pause as he continues to adjust the TV.

Another nut: Hurry, why don't you? We're going to miss episode thirty one. You all know how important thirty one is.

The groups outside mumbles in agreement. Then, Heavvyarms bursts into a sudden rage.

Heavvyarms: Fuckity fuck fuck fuck fuck, you fucking fuckers of fucking fuck!

Zeroe: Calm down, heavvy. No need to get excited. It'll be on soon.

Heavvyarms: But the fucking fuck fuckers fucked!

Zeroe: Never mind that. It'll be okay.

Heavvyarms sinks back into corner again.

The TV cackles to life. On comes Gundam Wing. It's partway through the episode.

Zeroe: No! We've missed the introduction. What are we going to do? We won't be able to see it again until midnight. (Collective gasp. Then Zechs is on the screen.)

Zeroe: Look! It's him! Zechs! Oh, my Zechsie-poo! (Swoons. Is caught by Deathscyythe.)

(Heero comes onto the screen.)

Heero: I'm going to stop you.

(This provokes another spasm from heavvy in the corner.)

Heavvy: Fucking fuckers fucked it fucking up fucking Heero fucking says fucking kill not the fucking fuck ass fucked upped line stop you, fuckers! (In his frenzy, he bites one of the other Gundam nuts.)

Gundamnut1: Ow! Keep that thing on a leash.

Heavvy: What you fucking fucker of fucking fuckesses fucked through fucking fucked fucked-up mother fuckers? (Starts to attack again, is restrained by Deathscyythe.)

Death: Stop it, heavvy, no need to get worked up. Doh di doh. Indeed.

Heavvy: Fuckity fuck fucked up you, fucker!

Death: There there, calm down.

Wing Zeroe revives a bit. Then Zechs speaks again.

Zeroe: Oh, my heroe! I'd die for you! I'd kill for you! Will you father my children? (Tries to kiss television screen)

Gundamnut1: (restrains Zeroe) Stop! The last time you did that you short circuited the TV.

Zeroe: No, you mustn't separate us! Oh Zechsy, stop them!

Death: You're going down. Death to you.

Gundamnut1: But the TV! And she can't go loving some fictitious cartoon character.

Everyone: What did you say?

Gundamnut1: Just that he isn't real.... I mean, not in a bad way... I don't mean like that at all.

Heavvy: The fucking fucked-up fucker fucking says Zechs no fucking real fucking idiot kill fucker the kill kill kill!

formerGundamnut1: No please! Not that!

Zeroe: He is too real! I talk with him all the time.

Everyone: Yeah!

Zeroe: So don't go talking like that. Pessimist! You think they'd lie to us and make up characters?

formerGundamnut1: No... Really! It's just that he's a cartoon and...

Zeroe: So I'm a pervert? Is that it? Because I look at things differently I don't have a right to express myself?

Gundamnut1: I didn't say that!

Heavvy: (straining against Death's grip) KILL KILL BWAHAHAHAHA!

Zeroe: Well listen, mister, the constitution says I can say that, so you can't make fun of it. If I want to have moments with my Zechsie that's no one's business but my own, you miserable son of a thousand fathers! And now because of your insolence we've missed another two minutes of the show! You bastard! You all know what to do! Take him away. That'll teach him to mess with our rights!

(Deathscyythe releases Heavvy. Heavvy lunges at the person. The rest of the Gundam fans have formed a mob. They drag the hapless person away screaming, singing.

Mob: (singing) We'll hang the anti-gundam to a sour apple tree,
We'll hang the anti-gundam to a sour apple tree,
We'll hang the anti-gundam to a sour apple tree,
and then go marching on.

Exit mob along with Heavvy. Only Death, Zeroe, and one other person remain. The other person is well dressed, he seems quite out of place in the Gundam shanty town.

Zeroe: That'll show 'em go mess with Gundam Wing. Especially hear. Because this here underpass is our turf, right outside of Japantown.

Other: You mean Chinatown, right?

Zeroe: I'm not Chinese, you fucking racist asshole! Don't go suggesting that just because I like Gundam wing. Idiot.

Other: I didn't mean it like that. There just isn't a Japantown.

Zeroe: What? Impossible. There are all sort of Japanese people speaking in Japanese. Not to mention the signs.

Other: Those are Chinese people.

Zeroe: That's enough, you bigot! Get out of my sight!

Other: (a sudden cry from where formergundamnut1 was taken.) Umm... Certainly (Exits hastefully.)

Zeroe: Do you think he was a spy?

Death: D'oh d'oh?

Zeroe: A spy, from Romafeller! They must be after me for my association with Zechsy! Oh, what will we do! We should have stopped him!

Death: Too late. Doh, doh.

Suddenly, Wufei flashes on the television screen. Zeroe suddenly becomes rabid.

Zeroe: You miserable bastard! Be nice! I'm a woman! A woman! You hear me! Why are you ignoring me? Bastard!

Television cackles

Wufei: You are weak!

Zeroe: (Flies into a rage) You imbecile! I'll kill you! You're going down! (Smashes TV set.) Arrrrgh! I've done it! I've killed him!

Death: D'oh, d'oh dohh....

Zeroe: Better put it on the website.

Death: D'oh dohhhhhh.....

Zeroe: (Taps on the keyboard. Wufei sux, her web site, pops up.) Ahh... There it is, our beautiful creation.


Screen reads:
Wufei is Bad, Dammit.

WingZeroe: What a moron. A moron he is. I hate him. He doesn't like women. I'm a woman. I'm going to hunt him down.

Deathscyythe: D'oh, doo do'h. What uhh. Do'h a lot... D'oh! she said. No wait, D'oh! I'm not a woman. Whoa, that explains

Heavvyarms: Wufei, that fucking fucker of shitty mother fucking mother fuckers can fucking kiss my fucking ass you fucking stupid fuckers.

Other Anti-page reviews Index Chamber of Idiocy Guestbook*
*Note: Only we are allowed to sign our guestbook, because if you make fun of us we'll take our toys and go hom and cry and sue your ass you fucking piece of fuckity fuck shutup heavvy I'm trying to write a disclaimer fuck you stop it heavy no what arghhh! d'oh doo di d'oh no don't you mess this up too quiet death I can't type and talk at the same time. Oh no, now look what you've made me do. Now I've written all of that down. That wasn't very nice. How do I get rid of it? Is there a key I press or something?


Zeroe: Isn't it wonderful?

Death: Sure is... Duhhh... What's that noise?

The mob is returning. They arrive at the cardboard and plastic hut of Zeroe and Death. Heavvyarms is with the mob.

Leader of the Mob: We return victorious!

Zeroe: (Turns away from computer.) Just in time! A Romafeller spy has turned up!

Leader: What? Where?

Zeroe: Here! He asked questions and said that there was no Japantown!

Leader: The bastard!

Heavvy: Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!

Leader notices the computer screen and the Wufeisux web site.

Leader: What's that? Good god, that's your site isn't it?

Zeroe: Wait, I can explain!

Leader: You're the spy, aren't you! I knew you were suspicious! An anti-wufei page! The outrage of it! We will destroy all three of you!

Zeroe: But look! (Clicks on "other anti page review buttons") See! Look at all of these other bad sites we made fun of! We told them all to go hell! Wasn't that brave!

Leader: This is inexcusable! Consider yourself evicted!

Zeroe: No, please don't kick us out! Not that! Anything but that! Don't leave us off in the harsh world! Look, we really did tell them to go to hell!

(Mob tears down cardboard shelter and ransacks the place.)

Zeroe: Deathscyythe, heavvy, we've got to make it outerspace! Run! Then Zechs will save us!

(They flee. As they leave the gundam slum, the come to a pile of old tires.)

Zeroe: You know, we could make a raft out of these and sail to Japan. It isn't that far away, is it?

Heavvy: fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!

Death: D'oh!

Zeroe: Yes, we'll do that.

The three set to work. After a few hours they have built a raft of tires, and they set sail into the sunset. Then, once they are a good distance from the shore, Heavvyarms notices a sinister detail that they had overlooked.

Heavvyarms: (reading tire) Firestone!

Zeroe: Nooooo!

The end.

Written by Gundam_Go_home