Divine David

Divine David Interview
mailed to us by the fabulous Miss Darvas

words:Alex McCann

Q: When was the character Divine David conceived and could you give us a brief history?

A: I conceived the character about 10 years ago at a venue called The Old Steam Brewery which was popular with students. I just started to do a quiz and gradually I started working with Jackie Haines who makes my costumes and got my look together. It was her that got me involved in cosmetics and using your face as a canvass, that was inspired by german expressionism and that sort of thing. From there I went onto the gay scene, I did the door at Paradise Factory and from there I started to work outside of Manchester, particularly London.

It just sort of carried on from there and more recently I've got involved in television which I enjoyed. I was really pleased I made the series based in Manchester because I don't believe everything should be London centric. The Northwest's a wonderful area full of wonderful people, and hopefully a hotbed of artistic endeavour.

Q: Could you tell us about Tina the Teenage Slut (David recently got married in a public ceremony to her at Manchester's Green Rooms)?

A: Tina's a lovely person who can seem quite gruff on the outside but does have a heart of gold. I discovered Tina in the Temple of Convenience which is a converted public toilet, that tina remembered prior to its public conversion. Tina's married with 3 children and drives a refrigerated van during the day delivering food across the Pennines and dresses quite beautifully. Tina would say that because she's been told by a psychologist that she's got gender disforiam, I think it just means that she likes wearing laungerie.
Were not really in our pockets, we've got quite an open relationship. Its very grounding, very grounding. I don't think its imposed anything on Tina, she's still free wheeling. Tina's wife is a respected swinger on the council estate in Bradford where they live. Tina's wife as I say is a respected swinger, respected AC/DC.

Q: Could you just remind us of your first TV series?

A: I did Comedy Nation for BBC2, I did some sketches for them first of all. Then I did the Channel 4 series the Divine David Presents.... and that was basically doing inserts and comedy between video's of performance artists. I thought it was about time that performance art reached a bigger audience, it was like a new variety show, neo variety really.

Q: Your now a TV star now. What do you think of the state of telly today with Real life Docu-soaps etc.?

A: I don't thinks there's anything wrong with television as long as you can still put things on top of it, like hot dogs and fibre optic lamps, a group portrait of your family would look nice on top of a television.
With the Docu-soaps I'm all for it really, I think the whole of life should be televised really. Each person should have there own channel and when you don't like being filmed you can switch it off.
I think television should go further and show the meal digesting in people's stomachs and things like that. They should show when a person's excited and when seratonins being released in the brain. They should also use those heat sensitive camera's to make it a bit more interesting. Also X-rays would look nice in television and then you can see people's bone structure.

Q: You've been known to wear a touch of make-up in the past. Would you consider a slot on Richard and Judy?

A: That would be quite nice. I wouldn't mind doing a make over of both Richard and Judy, I think they've both got lovely bone structures which I could perhaps bring out. I'd really love that opportunity.
To be honest I don't really watch morning television, its all a bit too early for me. Dame Wintons done very well and he's got a lot of energy. I like the radio in the morning, Radio 4.

Q: What does you do in your spare time, when your not Divine David?

A: I paint alot , and I enjoy reading. I listen to the radio of course. And I enjoy going out, I've got more than a passing interest in alcohol so that gets me out of the flat.
I often sing quite alot. I also listen to Amanda Leah quite alot, I do a dance piece in the next episode (30.1.2000) of this show that's going out. I've always liked Sioshie and the Banshees because I grew up alongside that music. I like alot of classical music, the new one from Moby and the William Orbit one with classical music.
I could maybe do something with Steps, particularly H. I'd leave some make up in some revealing places "Lipstick on your Scrotum told a tale on You"

Q: Do you have any rules / motto's that you live by?

A: Try and keep clean really, get up and have a bath and take it from there really

Q: Could you tell us a bit about the new show "The Divine David Heals"?

A: Adverts were placed in various mysterious places asking people to come forward with their problems. I could imagine alot of people were motivated by getting on television, it seems to work as a magnet to some people. So the problems are from the sublime to the ridiculous.
I don't want to reveal too much about the show Alex, but I can say I try to help a group of what I call Elders. I view older people as elders in society, I don't think there often given enough respect and are often shunted away and rather diminished which I think is terrible. I try to help them in as much that I was worried that on tea drenched afternoons they weren't having sufficient entertainment particularly of an avante garde nature. So myself an J-Cloth remedied the situation and to take the avante garde to the elders of society and I'm hoping that we were successful.
I'd like to present Countdown with Richard Whitely, but I think you've got to be quite humorous on that. I'd be more like Ann Ashton, I wouldn't be like Carol - she's phenomenal. There a good pairing a bit like myself and J-cloth, the brains and the beauty, we've just got to work out which is which.

The Divine David Heals....
Since I told my celebrity friends and associates of the interview with David, their problems have been flowing in by the sack full. Here's a selection of the most intriguing problems.

Dear David,
I am a manager of a large corporation called Great Britain. Although I managed to get through the first few months in the position because of my good nature and lovely smile, I have recently faced criticisms. I'm really worried because I lied about my abilities in my interview and have not been able to meet my performance targets. What should I do? Please note I have a family to support and my wife's expecting a baby later in the year.

Mr Tony Blair

David Replies:
I wouldn't worry about it. I'd suggest going on the game, or a lot of people are getting involved in stripping. Perhaps Tony could become something like a Chippendale. I think Tony would be good at this, all you need is a sense of rhythm and to be shameless and get up and do it.
I think he should give up politics, everyone should really. He got quite a nice smile and he's quite a potent leader in his own way, he's not exactly firing blanks is he. I never met his predecessor, John Major, but if they'd both like to join me in a glass of chardonay there more than welcome. I quite like John Majors son actually, I've imagined having congress with him on a number of occasions.
As I said before I just think Tony should become a stripper, I think that's the way forward. He'd look quite nice in a G-string wouldn't he, a mesh one.

Dear David,
It seems really funny writing to you because my husbands called David too, its such a coincidence, you know one David and then three come along at once. (DD: You can never have enough David's, there a bit like buses)
Since my marriage to David, last year we had a young baby boy and hence I've had to cut my hours from full time to part time. I used to enjoy chatting with the girls, but now I spent my time alone in Beckingham Palace, I'm so lonely. David spends alot of his time away with other men and as such I've worried he's perhaps having an affair.
As a result I suffered a great deal of weight loss, although I do eat a few packets of crisps a day. Please help.

Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham

David Replies:
Its quite sad, but I more than willing too fill in for her. I'd cover for her bearing in mind her husband. As regards her husbands affair it might have given him appetites that are only natural when alot of men get together. Its a bit like drugs really, they say you can start of with marijuana and end up on heroin. I think it can start off with locker room horse play and before you know where you are, you're into full anal penetration.
So If they'd like me to get involved, at least she'd know who David was involved with. Its both the same name so she wouldn't have another name to remember, she'd just have to remember the one word and that would be easier for her.
She's smart enough to do what it is she does but I think her comments on Margaret Thatcher were dubious, saying she was one of the original Spice Girls. She wouldn't look very good in a Union Jack dress although I'm sure Maggies got one.
With the weight loss, I'm quite into being slim myself. I think eating is best avoided, I belief in drinking more than eating really. Perhaps she could go into the realms of alcohol and look at life through a glass darkly or she could drink Complan. Complans good.

Dear David,
Recently alot of my friend have started to take drugs. Where would be the best place to start?

Prince William

David replies:
I would imagine the Royal Family have had a relationship with narcotics for quite sometime if you were to believe everything you read about the old Duke of Kent. I think there was also some high society cocaine scene going on in the twenties, I think its probably a family tradition.
I say good luck to him, he's a good looking boy and if they make him happier then take them

Dear David,
I have a large disfigurement on the face of the nasal variety. The problem is that this has stopped me meeting the girl / boy of my dreams, people just don't seem interested. On my side I do have quite a substantial amount of financial backing and wear expensive designer labels (DD: Very good). I also have a small group of friends who find me pleasant to be around, however outside of this groups no one finds me interesting. What should I do?

Desperate, Manchester

David replies:
It sounds like that persons life needs some sort of overhaul. I wouldn't worry about so called disfigurement because I do sincerely believe that everybody is intrinsically beautiful. His concern for his friends and finding a partner seem to indicate that he is of a loving disposition so he will have inner beauty.
As for his friends not finding him interesting perhaps he should move on. I'd be quite interested in meeting him, he seems quite a nice person. I think he should invite his friends around for a meal and during the course of the meal just say "You won't see me again because I'm banishing you from my life. You make me feel that I'm dull and I resent that very much, if you could kindly just eat what's on your plate and leave"
He seem quite motivated to get in touch with you so its not like he's given up. So where there's life there hope. Perhaps he could meet somebody like minded and of similar appearance, perhaps he should go out more.
Hopefully he won't be desperate any longer, he's just got to take control.

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