Aliens are becoming an increasing problem to the British people…
I myself could be an alien.
On the buses, old ladies, they’re alien and they tap into your mind and send your thoughts into the universe, where they are picked up by people who live in flying saucers.
BEWARE aliens tap into your brain
When you are at school all dinner ladies are aliens, but of a particularly virulent kind, they stand before you, doling out mashed potato but all the time they are gleaning your every thought… they go home and jam the kitchen utensils into their craniums and receive messages from outer space… they wear high heels when they get home.
All teenagers are aliens…
Why are they here? What do they want?
Watch the waiter and the waitress in the pizza store, look at their eight inch tongue as it darts out.
How to spot an alien… look for little slits on the neck of the person you’re sat next to, if you jam a little bit of tissue into these gills it will mean that the aliens wont be able to breathe and they will start frothing at the mouth.
Aliens have peculiar toilet arrangements, in as much as they will walk down the street and empty their bowels willy-nilly.
Aliens are all around us… it’s true
The information I am giving you is very confidential
People are giving birth to aliens, some of them have six or seven legs and are covered in scales, these the mother grates off, removing any legs that may be unnecessary, so that they look more humanoid
Look at the bottom of your chest of drawers, chances are there’s a whole litter of aliens… oh yes… feeding on bits of dried talc in your socks.
That is the truth of the alien… oh I know, you’re probably thinking I’ve gone mad, but I know, if you look at the flight path of a feral pigeon from outer space it makes a code.
If you suspect that you are in the company of an alien do this...
...and they will dissolve,
and they will become as lizards…
ALIENS!