Who will be the next "Nostalgia Act" WWE brings back?
(A) Nails
(B) Double Jeff Jarrod
(C)
Lou Thez
(D) Linda MacMahon
(E) Yes
Be sure to vote for your choice at the official Inside The Ropes website where you will encounter numerous pop-up ads and receive many viruses! And here are the results of last week's RECORD-BREAKING
poll, where we had almost 250 votes:
Who is going to get FIRED next?
(A) Linda MacMahon - 27 %
(B) Brock Lesnor - 18 %
(C) Artie in Catering
- 12 %
(D) Charlie Hoss' Dead Brother - 24 %
(E) Yes - 17 %
And now, onto the news...
The HeartbreakManiacs Explode: You heard it here first, folks. Unless you overheard Coach Man talking about
it on Raw. Regardless, expect Heartburn Kid Sean McMichaels to turn BAD on Hollywood Hal Kogan during next month's
tag team match.
According to the "sheets", HKB is a "backstage politician" who "holds back" young talent. The Hulkstor, meanwhile, wants
to do an "angle" where he "does color," but doesn't want to take too many "bumps" when McMichaels "sells" for him without
working "stiff." This will lead to a "worked shoot" where they pull a "Broadway" so that neither guy "goes over" in a "swerve"
that will "work" all the "smart marks."
What does that mean in English? McMichaels will receive a trophy commemorating "fifteen years of refusing to do jobs"!
Then Kogan is going to get a bigger trophy next week, leading McMichaels to say "four years is a long time to be champion"!
Then HKB will align himself with Bobby "The Brian" Heenen and rip off Kogan's cross (so he can use it himself)! And
it will be the most unoriginal feud ever!
EVER!!!
Yo, you can't hear me: According to highly-placed sources, John Ceno will be releasing an album shortly that has many of his spoken-word poems that are known in some circles
as "Hip Hop". The CD cover will even have a photo of Ceno's Shitty Belt to scare off both wrestling and music fans!
Will this be the best rap album since Mr. T's courageous foray into the genre? BANK ON IT!!!
(Oh, wow -- I'm only a couple of hundred words into the column and I've already used up two of my patented catchphrases.
What to do, what to do...)
Thanks for the compliment!!!
(There, that oughta shut the critics up.)
Have you ever wondered what happened to washed-up ECW rejects like Jason Credible, Percy Saturn and Louie
Spuccoley? Wonder no longer, as former play-by-play shill Johnny Styles will host a hardcore homecoming of sorts
in June. The as-of-yet unnamed event will emanate from the infamous Bowling Hall in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania and will
probably feature "New" Jack murdering someone.
V-One = V-Whine?: What the HELL is Matt Hardee's problem these days? Maybe you just need to CALM DOWN and
focus on the matter at end -- figuring out a way to get revenge on The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain for marrying/impregnating
the love of your life Leeta. Hey: you've still got your health, a great job and a hot woman. Quit complaining!!!
As you all know unless you're DAFT, we are just thirteen-and-a-half minutes away from the latest WWE paper-view spectacular,
Blacklash. Instead of presenting my usual EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED preview, I thought... What Would Rousseau Do?
That's right: I consulted none other than former WWF creative mastermind Vince Rousseau to tell us how HE would
have booked the big PPV card. Here we go:
Main Event
Deacon Bautista vs. Triple HHH Part VI
"Loser Must Wear A Dress" match
"The main problem with this match here is that it ain't realiztic enough. I mean, Triple H has to tell everyone how he's
bangin' the boss's daughter, and that he's the one who really callz the shotz. Then he can call out Battister and tell 'im
that tonight he's gotta drop the title, which is just a freakin' prop anywayz. Battister lays down for the 1-2-3, and then
you book ME to come out there and show HHH that he can't cross the bozz. Then we tear the freaking houze down in a five-ztar
match. I go over."
Main Event
Hollywood Hal Kogan and Heartburn Kid Sean McMichaels vs. Mohachmed Hussein and Osama Arafat
Tag
Team WAR
"I can relate to what Shawn's goin' through because I, too, was saved by The Lord recently. So instead of lettin' that
old, roided-up, primadonna, Hulkstah into the ring, Michaels and me attack him before the match beginz. From there, you have
HBK ask... no, wait, BEG me to be his partner. I reluctantly agree, and now the crowd goes freakin' balliztic! Then we use
actual missiles and throw them at the two Arabs. How'z THAT for a patriotism angle???
Main Event
Sheldon Benjamin vs. Y J Stinger Chuck Jericho
Six Sides of Steel
"At the start of this match, Benjamin's gonna debut his new gimmick -- he's now known as Shelton Benjamin Franklin, the
first wrestler/President since Nixon. And Jericho's now gonna do a gimmick where he's a coke addict. The whole idea here is
that they're both tryin' to imprezz me so that they can break the freakin' glass ceiling. But then there's a SHOCKING SWERVE~!
an' both guys end up suffering internal brain injuries and forget who they are for some reazon."
Main Event
"Canadian Crippler" Chris Benwah vs. "Mr. BANK ON IT!!!" ThEdge
Respect Match
"There's no way that the fanz will buy into this match unless you have Copeland talk about his personal demonz. At the
outzet of this, you can have him get on the stick an' say "I'm bangin' Leetar, and guess what Benoir? I'm doin' the nasty
with your hot wife too!". Then ya bring back Nancy Zullivan and show her givin' head ta Edge while Leetar lookz on approvingly.
From there, Benoit breakz kayfabe and sez: "Matt Hardy didn't screw Matt Hardy. I screwed Matt Hardy!". Then ya show
Matt and Benoir in the back goin' at it doggy-style... The finish for the match? Who the fuck cares?"
Main Event
The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain vs. Visceria
Tritch Stratus in a neutral corner
"Finally, a match that writez itself! Ya start off in the back showing Vis tryin' to lose weight for hiz big match becauze
he's TOO FAT! But he can't loze the weight an' then Jenny Craig comez out and takez his place! And ya have Jenny roll around
in mud or somethin' with this Trish chick for a while. Backztage, you can show Kane teachin' Viscera about the benefitz of
a proper diet and good exercize. It'll be the funniest tag team people have even zeen!"
Thanks for the help, Vinnie Ru!!! There are also two bonus matches planned for the big PPV: Watch for Chris Masterpiece
to showcase his patented $250,000 Diva Masterlock Challenge, and in tag team action, champions William Royal and Tajerky
will take on Whoever.
Let's check in this week with ITR's resident tinseltown correspondent Stu Stone. Here's a little something I like
to call:
But here's what you don't know: The Most Electrifying Man In Sports and Entertainment has his film career mapped out for
the entire next year! Here's his schedule:
That's about it from La-La Land. I'm outta here, if ya smell... what Hollywood Stu... is cookin'.
Thanks, Stu! And finally, let's hit the old inbox for some Q & A, shall we?
Q: Dear Bulldog, I am concerned about the present whereabouts of future WWE champion, "Mean" Gene Shnitsky "Okerlund."
Does this have anything to do with the dwindling women's division, and therefore any babies left to kill? Personally, I've
never gotten tired of his on again, off again stalkings of Lita. Do you think Edge may have stepped in to protect his woman,
or has Shnitsky finally realized that Lita is no longer pregnant?
A: Wait, wait, wait -- who's this "Bulldog" character
you're talking about?
Q: HOW ARE YOU TODAY? WITH THIS I AM SEEKING YOUR ASSISTANCE AS A PARTNER/CHANNEL IN A TRANSACTION WORTH 33.8 MILLION UNITED
STATES DOLLARS AND SUBSEQUENT INVESTMENTS PARTNERSHIP. YOU SHALL BE PAID A 30% COMMISSION FOR ASSISTING IN THIS REGARD. NOTE
THAT THIS PROPOSAL WILL NOT IN ANY WAY INFRINGE ON ANY LOCAL OR INTERNATIONAL FINANCIAL REGULATIONS AND YOUR AREA OF PROFESSION
IS OF NO RELEVANCE TO THE SUCCESSFUL CONCLUSION OF THE TRANSACTION. IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN RECEIVING THIS FUND IN CASH ON
MYBEHALF, PLEASE REPLY ME ALONG WITH YOUR TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS FOR FURTHER DETAILS.
A: Personally, I think the women's
division needs to be rebuilt slowly but surely. You can't have "eye candy" parading around week after week and expect fans
to take women's wrestling seriously. The company made some tremendous strides in this area circa 2002 and 2003, but threw
it all away because of financial constraints and a lack of creativity.
Well, that about does it from here. If you have any questions, compliments, suggestions or proposals for international
financial partnerships, drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's... Inside The Ropes.