(A)
"Ironman" Mike Sharp. (B) Los Resistance. (C)
Gretzky (they're not all wrestling-related, you know) (D) SHNITSKY!!! (E) Yes.
Be sure to vote for your choice at the official Inside The Ropes website. And here's how you jerks voted last time, with an incredible 217 ballots cast:
Are you people even reading
these things?
(A) Yes - 21 % (B)
Yes - 38 % (C) Yes - 24 % (D) SHNITSKY!!! - 14 % (E) Yes - 22 %
Now, many of you may not know this, but I am actually a Canadian.
And unless you are dumb or just stupid, you know that we are only three days away from Canadia
Day, a holiday in which the entire island of Canada celebrates our freedom from the British and Germans.
We Canucks are quite fanatic about our wrestling. When you're
a kid, you get handed -- almost as a rite of passage -- a hockey stick and a "Ruck Fules" T-shirt. Children are taught workrate
in school, and in geography classes, they learn about the different U.S. cities they can change their hometowns to once they
get "over".
Up until recently (when they converted to using exceedingly-heavy
coins for currency), we had a picture of The Marvelous Rougeaux Brothers on our
$2 bills. And in a recent poll, 7 out of 10 Canadians felt that the biggest political issue of our time was how "Bret screwed
Bret".
With that in mind, I thought I'd take some time to celebrate
my heritage with a special look at the Ten Greatest Canadian Heroes. Wow -- a
list of ten top items; I must be becoming a pro at this!
And of course, I have included a special sub-series of ITR Trading Cards to commemorate this historic ranking. Here we go, in no particular order:
From: Canada Best Known For: Screwing over Vince MacMahon Finishing
Maneuver: Scrapshooter Memorable Quote: "America - fuck yeah!"
Born to the famous Von
Eric wrestling family in the 1950's, Heart knew that he was destined to become a world-class wrestler, make bad decisions,
fade out in obscurity and return to the limelight years later wearing effeminate costumes.
He will be truly missed, assuming he's deceased.
From: Canada Best Known For: His "Aggression" perfume line Finishing
Maneuver: "Modified" Boston Crab that looked like a regular old Boston Crab to me. Memorable Quote: "I'm so pretty, I should
have been born a little girl! I'm a Badd man -- a badd man!"
From headlining in the AWA when no one was watching the promotion
anymore, to being a fixture in the old World Wrestling Federation for years despite not being over, to becoming a third-string
player during WCW's one dominant period in history, "The Fashion Model" has done it all. Except for jobbing to Double Jeff Jarrod in NWA T&A, that is.
From: Canada Best Known For: Stealing my catchphrase!!! Finishing
Maneuver: The Sphere Memorable Quote: "BANK ON…" nope, not gonna go there…
We decided not to be all "political" here and bar him from the
ranking of Canadian Legends, just because he stole my patented catchphrase. And yes, it's true that he slept with The Returning Leeta just HOURS before Mike Hardy Version 3.1 was about
to propose to her, but we can't come down on him for everything. And hey, who cares if he's never won a World Title?
On second thought, maybe he doesn't belong on this list after all.
Someone cue up a trading card for Y J Stinger Chuck Jericho, stat!
From: Non-Canada Best Known For: Getting rich off of oil
trades in the early-80's. Finishing Maneuver: Clothesline of Doom Memorable Quote: "I am a racist pig!"
While no one is denying JLB's gimmick, workrate, look, attitude
or nationality, an argument can still be made for his making this list.
I just don't know what, exactly, that argument is.
From: Canada, Georgia, USA Best Known For: Once dated WCW valet
"Woman" Finishing Maneuver: Unsure Memorable Quote: "Who's that jumpin' out of the sky? R-E-Y, Mysterio, here we go…"
Benwah began his illustrious career last summer, when he lost the
Raw World Championship to Randy ORTON! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!! His career pretty
much took a tailspin from there once he was traded to The Show That Isn't Raw, Velocity,
Heat or WWE Experience. He will probably end up teaming up Hardwood Holly
and jobbing to M&M.
From: French Canada Best Known For: Stealing Bret Heart's
jacket Finishing Maneuver: C'est Incroyable Memorable Quote: "I'm not The Mountie. No, seriously, I'm not."
Jean Pierre-Lafitte (English translation: John Peter… uh, Jones) created waves in the
WWF from 1994 until mid-1994 and was dubbed by no less an authority than Pro Wrestling
Illustrated, May issue (cover story: "Revealed! Hulk Hogan's secret meetings with
Ted Turner!") as "the most exciting newcomer to hit the scene since The Stalker."
From: CH-CH Television Studios Best Known For: Brute strength Finishing
Maneuver: Moonsault Memorable Quote: (DUH!) "Don'cha dare miss it!"
To an entire generation of regional fans, Billy was OUR voice,
the person telling us that promoter Jake Tunney was presenting "another power-packed
card." He was the one who would graciously inform us when bell time was, and would get yelled at by Bobby "The Brian" Heenen, among others.
And although I can't confirm this at press time, Lyons was probably
the driving force behind the historic "Maple Leaf Gardens Feature Match" that clipped a 20-minute classic between Sivi Afi and Ironman Mike Sharp into a much more watchable two.
And speaking of which…
From: Who the hell cares? He's dead now. Best Known For:
Strength, steroids Finishing Maneuver: Side Russian Bottom-Rope Planchadriver Memorable Quote: "I'm not The Mountie,
either."
Brava wasn't ALWAYS a world-class weightlifter who beat out
the previous phony WWE record set by Ted Arseedy and, before him, Pedro Moreales. He wasn't ALWAYS an anti-American crusader with manager French
E. Martin, proclaiming that "USA Isn't Always Okay".
He also died.
From: Canada Best Known For: Constantly whining, dying Finishing
Maneuver: Bearhug Memorable Quote: "We can barely sit still for a family photo together. How are we going to come up with
a memorable quote?"
Integrity. Intensity. Intelligence.
These three words don't really apply here, but they sure do fit Kur Tangle to a T.
From: My dreams! (Also, Canada) Best Known For: Stealing
my heart Finishing Maneuver: Who cares? She's just a girl! Memorable Quote: "I (HEART) Canadian Bulldog"
I knew we were destined to be together from the days I saw you
frequent the old Videoflicks in Richmond Hill to your recent visit to New York's
Central Park last weekend (look it up people, it's a fact!).
Anyways, my point here isn't to document how I've been stalking
you (I'm sure the RCMP has adequate documentation on that), it’s to demonstrate
that YOU are what Canada is all about. You, and you alone, are what make this country great. Not Paul Martin!!! Not Jack Layton!!! Not that Creep With The Freaky Hair!!!
Despite a minority government, controversial stances on marijuana
possession, same-sex marriage and free health care, you triumphantly carry on, Tritch (as
does Canada). And we salute you for it. I'm saluting right now. And no, that hasn't been "surgically enhanced." But thanks
for the compliment!!!
Anyways, that's it for this week. If you (you meaning Tritch)
have any comments or feedback for me, be sure to drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.
Happy Canadia Day, everyone!!! |