Atten-HUT, maggot!!!
I'm sure that when you rejoined World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. last year, you thought it was all "fun
and games" to make fun of America. I'm sure you thought it was a regular "laugh riot" when you claimed that this country was
getting soft (you do have a point about Nickelay Volkov, though; what a pantywaist!).
But when you start supporting Saddam Hassan and his home country of Iran -- that was just too
much.
Surely, you are aware that President Bush the First is fighting for the freedoms that we as Americans
(and, to a lesser extent, Canadians) enjoy. So why do you choose to knock his efforts in Golf War I: Operation Dessert
Storm by hooking up with your new manager, General Akbar?
I'm convinced now, more than ever, that someone needs to shut you up. No, not The Ultimate Puke; I'm
sure one day, people aren't even going to be able to understand what buddy's rambling on about. I'm talking about a REAL American.
Someone who fights for the rights of every man. A REAL American, who fights for your rights, fights for your life!
And that person? None other than The Bad Boss Man.
President Jake Tunneigh should book this match NOW for "WrestelMania VII: Smaller-Arena Showdown" before
he comes up with (another) dumb idea for the main event.
And that's… an order!!!
Peace, out, Canadian Bulldog
So, can anyone tell me why the price of Gasoline is so high lately?
He's The Man Once Again: An official ITR congratulations
goes out to NWA/WCW World Champion "Nature Guy" Ricky Flare for silencing the
critics with a convincing win over Korean legend Tatsumi Hakushi Suzuki Fujinami
at this year's SuperbBrawl paper-view spectacular. Which hasn't, technically,
taken place yet.
Now that he's holding The Ugly Gold Strap once again, will Flare's
relationship with WCW Vice-President Jim Hard be as solid as ever? BANK ON IT!!!
Could we be seeing a match between former WFF World Champion Hal Kogan and midcard tag-team guy Sean
McMichaels anytime soon? NO!!!
Although I wouldn't rule out McMichaels turning heel and embarking on a singles career within the next year
or so, Kogan jumping to a rival promotion by about 1994, McMichaels winning the main title, Kogan turning heel, then face
again, then returning to the WWF, which has changed its name, McMichaels finding religion and then turning on Kogan in a tag
team match.
But that's just a stab in the dark…
When the definitive book on tag team wrestling is written (and no, this ain't it) expect the tandem of Paul Romeo and Heracles
Hernandes to be right near the top of the list. They've got the glory for sure, but brother, they also have the power!!!
Extra credit goes to their manager The Doctor of Style Silk, for hooking them up with those kick-ass sunglasses.
Who's the hottest newcomer in the business? If you answered WCW's Arachnidman,
you aren't far off the mark. He's got the look, he's got the entrance and if he ever gets an offensive move in, he'll probably
have the ability, too.
Other rookies to be on the lookout for: "Cactus" Jack Manson,
Big Sex Killer Kevin Nash, Shawn "Ex-Pack" Whitman, "Stunning Cold" Steve Austen
and Flying Bryan The Pill Man. I can't imagine guys like this anywhere but at
the top of their wrestling promotions, say, 15 years from now.
Here's a random word that I have no idea the meaning of: SHNITSKY!!!
This week's television ratings are in:
WFF Superstars of Wrestling scored a 1.1,
peaking during The Nasty Brothers
vs. Omar Atlas and David Isley barnburner.
The lowest-rated segment of the show was when Lord Albert Hayes said "Promotional
consideration paid for by the following -- Stetson: Easy to wear, HARD TO RESIST!".
WFF Prime Time Wrestling scored a 1.3, peaking
during the (clipped) "Sir Perfect" Kirk Henning vs. Dale Wolfe match from Hamilton's Copps Coliseum. Lowest-rated segment was when Gorilla Manson and Bobby "The Brian" Heenen argued over things he
said about Bad Boss Man's mother.
WCW Worldwide didn't score anything because
it's a piece of crap. The highest-rated segment was probably when Dustin Roads
ran in for something-or-other.
You have to feel for Jake "The Snakeman" Robards. He was recently
sprayed -- in the eyes!!! -- by Fashion Model Rick Mantel's new Attitude perfume. This caused doctors to prescribe Robards with a pair of contact lenses that makes him look he's
missing his pupils. One can only hope that this doesn't lead to Robards to a life of bitterness, drugs, alcohol and a huge
belly.
First, they're making a film based on the old Adams Family show,
and then they're going to make one based on the Star Track TV series? Wow, I can
only hope Hollywood continues to strive for this kind of innovation.
Is it just me, or does former World Champion The Allllllltimate Warrior
have a "thing" for Sexual Queen Sherry? First, he attempts to beat her up at the
Regal Rumble PPV, then he sends her flowers, saying her eyes are like "Supreme Destructicity In The Night". Can imagine what
their children would look like? Probably something like this:
Ahhhhhhhhh, what a rushed!: Recently I had
the chance to speak with zero-time WWF Tag Team Champions Hog and Mammal, a/k/a The Road Worriers, a/k/a The Legion of Doom. What follows is an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript:
CB: Is this The Legion of Doom?
LOD: This is Lex Luthor; I am the leader of the Legion of Doom.
CB: But… but… I thought that was what Paul Ellaring
was there for. And aren't you busy teaming with, or feuding against, The Sting in
WCW?
LOD: Don't make me sic Giganta on you!
CB: I liked him better when he was Giant Gonzalez anyways. Question
number two: What are your plans for dominating the World Wrest…
LOD: We have many plans to dominate the world! First, we're going to get Brainiac to formulate a scheme to surprise The Superfriends.
CB: You leave Bobby Heenen out of your evil plot! He'd probably
just call everyone "humanoids" anyways.
LOD: …And then Captain Cold will use his freeze ray to catch everyone.
CB: But won't that upset his millions of Peeps? Or is that just
how he rolls?
LOD: Okay, you're starting to get a tad unrealistic here! That catchphrase doesn't become popular for another
fourteen years.
CB: I'M being unrealistic?!? You've dedicated yourself to a life
of crime just because Superman accidentally burned off your hair when he was trying
to save your life?
LOD: Well, you have a point, but… wait, I thought that was Clark
Kent? You mean to tell me they're actually the same pe…
CB: This interview… is OVER!!! (hangs up)
LOD: Argh! Someone tell Riddler to install Caller ID on this thing!
Finally, let's open up things to a little Q & A, shall we?
Q: What are the chances that Bret Hart will eventually go it alone
and become a major superstar in the WWF? A: About the same as another Von Erich
kid dying prematurely.
Q: What can you tell me about my favorite wrestler, Virgil? A:
I can tell you that you should probably choose a new favorite wrestler.
Q: What is going to happen to the AWA now that World Champion Larry
Zybsko has left? A: He'll be back.
Q: Who will retire at WrestleMania VII -- Randy Savage or The Ultimate Warrior? A: Thanks for the compliment!!! That about does it for this week. If you have any questions, comments or concerns about historical
accuracy, be sure to drop me a line (once the Internet is invented by Al Gore)
at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes. |