 |
"Huss, Huss" - The Berserker, 1994
Welcome to another JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The
Ropes, the only column on the Internet that attempts to separate RUMOR from INNUENDO. As Andre The French Giant used
to be fond of saying, "let's hop to it!"
Trivia Question: Who should be the fourth member of Revolution?
(A) Triple
HHH
(b) Robbie Dupree (Los Resistance)
(c) Timmy Dreamer
(d) Dave Buttista
(e) Mark O'Haire
Answer at the
end of this column!!!
This just in: in a last-minute decision, the WWE Booking Committee has pulled Bill Goldenberg
from the main event of SummerShow. Sources say that Da Man was angry at Vince MacMcMacMcMacMahon because
he forgot to get his permission slip signed and wasn't allowed to go with the WWE to Austria!!!
So now, promoter Jack
Tunney presents another power-packed card; he's ordered Triple HHH to defend his WWE World title in a Steel Elimination
Cage Chamber match!!! HHHH will defend his strap against Randy Orson, Ricky Flare, Y2K, Big Daddy
Pump Steve Nash, Heartbreaker Sean Michaels, Goldberg, Tritch Stratus, Rico, Gay Kim
and Queen Victoria. It should be the best match EVER!!!!
Power struggle: this week on Eric Bischoff's Monday
Night Raw, we saw Bischov do battle with Sean MacMcMahon for ownership of the Raw brand! Thankfully, The
Big Stupid Red Machine Kane interfered, so that this real-life boardroom battle can rage on for another day!!!
Bad
news for all the fans out there of Big Sex Killer Kevin Nash. Nash was doing a tour of Australia when he slipped, fainted,
and fell into a coma. That was why he couldn't answer the challenge of Christian Jericho to a ``loser must dye their
hair white'' match at SummerShow.
One hot Hollywood rumor at the moment is that The Rock is in talks to star
in a film with Stifler (Miss American Pie, the Where Did My Car Go movie) and Christopher Walkon (Catch
Me If You Want, Star Wars). Not sure if this will be another sequel to The Mommy, but either way it has the makings
of a BOX-OFFICE CLASSIC!!!
Rock, real name Rocky Maivia, was all over Tinsel Town (real name, Hollywood)
this week, teaming up with Christina Aguilera at the VH-1 People's Choice awards. Way to hobnob with the Hollywood
Elite, Rocky. Who's next -- Stuart Stone?
Anyone seen Leon 'Bam Bam' Vader lately?
Speaking of
Kane (a few paragraphs ago), we at Inside The Ropes recently had the chance to speak with the monster from Death Valley, Florida.
The following is an unedited, EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript that can only be reprinted by crediting Tweenerboard.com.
And just a quick note here, for all you naysayers who think The B-Dawg isn't really capable
of getting interviews with top superstars such as Kain: It so happens I found his phone number right here. Now, on to the interview:
CB: Is this Kane?
K: I'm sorry?
CB: Don't be -- is this him?
K:
Sir... are you looking for the funeral director?
CB: Yes, I wa... wait a second - funeral director?
K: That's correct.
This is a funeral home, sir.
CB: GET OUT!!! What kind of a sick, demented business are you guys running?
K: I'm sorry?
CB:
Stop apologizing. WOW, folks. It looks as if Kane is back in the funeral business. Good for him! And remember, you heard it
here first in Inside The Ropes!!!
K: Who are you talking to?
CB: Oh... right. Question number one: Did you really kill
Kate Vickie or was it just a "work"?
K: What are you talking about?
CB: I'll take that as a yes. Question number
two: What was life like being the real-life son of Paul Burier?
K: IS THIS SOME KIND OF JOKE?!?
CB: Question
number three: How come you used to use a voice box, and now you don't have to?
K: (crying)
CB: Was it because X-Pax
saved you?
K: YOU.... MONSTER!
CB: Look who's talking! Question number four, and this one is 'on the record'. Who really
killed your parents: you or Under Taker?
K: DO YOU NOT HAVE ANY RESPECT?
CB: Not for someone who tried to injure
Lydia MacMahon by piledriving her off of a stage, no!
K: (Hangs up).
Folks, we didn't get any behind-the-scenes
answers this week, but I have a feeling he'll open up when I call him again tomorrow. And a cool little scoop on the funeral
parlor, no?
A quick correction from last week: I reported that you could watch a special episode of AWA-TNA
for just $10. That was wrong. It will be just ONE PENNY for the first minute, $1.99 for each additional minute. International
long distance charges may apply. Kids, get your parent's permission first.
Stand back -- It's a Rosie coming
through?!? The former leader of Three Man Warning is shining through with his latest gimmick as a Super Hero Ready
For Training -- and the fans are loving it! Can any team be more over right now than Rosie and Hurricane Helmsley?
Rumor has it that Rosie will graduate soon to his next gimmick, that of a Fat, Ugly, Comic King.
Was Brock
Lesnor REALLY arrested? It's true!!! According to The SmokinGunns.com , Brok was caught for taking Illegal Drugs and doing....well, something I can't mention here,
to a 19-year-old woman in a Colorado hotel.
If I know Brook as well as I think I do, I know he reads this column each
and every week. So please heed my advice: Drugs aren't the answer!!! There are so many other, safer and less expensive ways
to get ahead in life. You have your whole JAM-PACKED career ahead of you. So if you want to truly become The Next Big Thing
and not The Next Dead Thing, then lay off the crack, Jack!!!
E-Buy Alert! I'm selling some of my ultra-rare
wrestling items, such as a stick that may have belonged to Hacksaw John Duggan, a good booking idea by Vin Russo
and some sort of small plant found in Road Doggy Dogg's jeans. To buy them, simply click right here. A portion of all proceeds will go to me, Canadian Bulldog.
And now it's time for Q&A.
Don't forget to send your questions into Canadian_Bulldog@hotmail.com. Kids, get your parents permission first.
Q:
What is Lex Luger up to these days?
A: Thanks for the compliment. Lex, real name Lex Larry Lugar, is relaxing
and taking it easy these days. He'll probably get called back to the WWE fairly soon, according to Oneline Oldslut.com.
Q: What can you tell me about Kurt Angle, my favorite wrestler of all time?
A: According
to his official website, Kirk is "the largest athlete to ever showcase his talents in World Wrestling Entertainment, a versatile
performer renowned for his wit, charisma and ability almost as much as his size.
Since making his WWE debut in 1999, the
seven-foot-plus Big Show has been defeating his foes with an arena-rattling chokeslam, and has won the WWE Championship on
multiple occasions."
Q: Are you tired of paying wholesale for toner cartridges? To qualify for an exclusive discount, click
here!
A: Oh no you don't. I'm not falling for that one again!
Q: Now your penis can be bigger and longer! 100 % proven
medical solution can be yours for just three easy installments of $45!!! Click here!
A: Wow, thanks for passing that one
along, greatnews6312@pinifejijijutha.promotions.com! Where do I sign up?
Q: Don't you think they should have left
the main event for SummerSlam alone?
A: No.
Q: I heard that Paul London recently signed on with WWE. Do you know
anything about him?
A: Thanks for the compliment. Paul is the largest athlete to ever showcase his talents in World Wrestling
Entertainment, a versatile performer renowned for his wit, charisma and ability almost as much as his size.
Since making
his WWE debut in 1999, the seven-foot-plus Big Show has been defeating his foes with an arena-rattling chokeslam, and has
won the WWE Championship on multiple occasions.
That's about it from my end. But not to worry folks, I WILL BE BACK
next week. So if you have any questions, answers, arena reports, interviews, tips, leads, rumors, news, polls or petitions
for me to sign, be sure to send them to Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com. And remember, if you don't send me e-mails, you're probably
a bunch of stupid jerks who couldn't care less about me and my starving family
Er, I mean.... if you heard it here
first, it's... Inside The Ropes!!!
|
