"I'm the best there is, the best there was, the best there can be, the best there might be, the man of the hour, the tower of power, too sweet to be sour, funky like a monkey, the limousine-ridin', jet-flyin' - WOOO! - there ever will be." 
     -- Some Guy, 1980.
 

 

Brent DVD (Alternate Cover)
 

With that in mind, I thought to myself "What would be better to write this week than the TRUE story of the 'Excellent Executer', not some phony, made-up CRAP?" Then I thought of a whole bunch of other ideas that would be better, but I didn't have time! Or maybe just I was lacking in creativity! But it will still be better than whatever Pyrofalkon comes up with! So I decided to write this retrospective instead! And it will be the best column ever!

EVER!!!

The Heart Family, from right to left: Brent, Oren, Stew, Ellen, Jim The Anvil Night, Slutty Daughter, Ricky, Gloria, Johnny and Johnny Junior.

Brent was born in Calgary (dramatic pause) Alberta, Canada into the Heart Family, which many have called "The First Family Of Wrestling". Which is actually debatable, because more people consider The Van Erich Family the first family, but they're not around to defend themselves about because they're currently deceased. But really, that's kind of a crock, too, because who WOULDN'T think of The Samoans as the first family, what with over a thousand wrestlers among the bunch (Jimminy "Superfreak" Snooka, Rocky Maivia, Rocky Maivia Classic, Affa, Seeka, Ofa, Samu, Shamu, Kimallah, etc.). And if you call of THEM the first family, then you're discounting the Jimmy Heart stable of the same name, featuring Monster Ming and Humorous.

Anyhoo… Stew Heart raised most of his children by locking them in his S&M-style "dungeon" until they learned to work submission-style wrestling. Many times, out of boredom, the children would shoot on their siblings, but it wasn't like a Vince Rousseau-style "I don't care what the boyz in the back think" shoot, it was more of a "only in ROH would crap like this be over today" shoot. If you can imagine such a thing.

As a result of the early training, all fifteen brothers and sisters developed an unwavering love for wrestling and a paralyzing fear of damp, enclosed spaces.

They were ready for the big time.

Brent was known for his spectacular ring entrances.

As a young wrestler in the old Stampede wrestling/rodeo promotion, Brent tangled with many of the era's top stars, including but not limited to: Muckin Singh, The Great Gomma, Kid Dyn-o-mite, Davey "Don’t Call Me Boy" Smith, Bad News "Don't Call Me Bad News" Alan and possibly Boris The Wrestling Bull.

Brent gained valuable experience in the territory, soaking up information like a sponge and then sitting on a counter gathering bacteria like a damp sponge.

Eventually, though, the greasy youngster wanted to move on, and went to the one place where he knew he wouldn't get screwed over by the promoter.

Displaying mad promo skillz as one third of The Heart Fund

Upon his debut in the old WWF, Brent was paired with his real-life brother Jim E. "Mouth In The South" Hart and some fat kid named Jim "The Anvil" Night Hart. Together, as The Heart Fund, the team accomplished some pretty amazing things, such as losing to The Killer B's, The British Bull Dogs (no relation) and The Fabulous Rougeaux Bros.

Things start picking up, however, when The Hearts enlisted the help of crooked referee "Dangerous" Denny Davis, who would conveniently "look the other way" whenever, say, Brent hit Cocoa Beware with a steel chair, or Jim choked out Cocoa Beware with the tag rope, or their manager used his megaphone on Cocoa Beware.

Suddenly, the Hart Fund won the prestigious WWF Tag Team Championships, defeating the team of Someone and Someone Else (possibly Cocoa Beware). They were unstoppable for almost a year, until they eventually succumbed to the team of Someone Else and Someone.

After that, WWF figurehead president Vince MacMahon decided he needed to start pushing Brent so that he could make a DVD about him twenty years later, bringing us to the next chapter.

Bad News Alan "accidentally" jumps up in the air and kicks Brent in the head.

At WrestelMania Four (Trump Plaza Showdown), Brent and his best friend Bad News Alan had agreed in principle to split the winner's purse and gorgeous trophy from co-winning the battle royal. But NO - the no-goodnik from Harlem had to have everything his own way, and as a result, Heart was minus one gorgeous trophy.

This led to a successful singles career for Brent, who even won the WWF International Title from "Sir Perfect" Kirk Henning. But on the flip side, he never regained that gorgeous trophy.

… OR DID HE?

Nope.

Oh, wait this should have been part of the last chapter…
 

The New Heart Fund revolved around their leader (center).

Following another title reign (or two) (or three), Brent said he was ashamed of Americans like Pyrofalkon because they're all whiny crybaby shmucks, and decided to form his own stable of Canadians (and two Americans) (and one Brit).

The New Heart Fund, as it was called by absolutely no one, was seen as an early predecessor to the NWA T&A Canada Team. Nonetheless, Oren Heart, British Bulldog (no relation), Bryan The Pill Man Hart and Jim The Anvil Night Hart practiced many Canadian traditions, such as providing standardized health care, making pot legal, advocating same-sex marriages, narrowly holding onto minority governments, releasing wrestling DVD's like two months behind the rest of the free world, and HAVING TO CROSS THE FUCKING BORDER JUST TO GET A QUART OF THAT "GOOD" AMERICAN ICE CREAM JUST BECAUSE OUR BLOODY GOVERNMENT WON'T ALLOW TRACES OF…

Uh…

EVER!!!

The little-remembered ladder spot at Surviving Series

It's a day that no wrestling fan will ever forget: November Something, 1997.

We all know the details by now. Brent was about to jump ship to WCW (because NWA T&A hadn't been invented yet) so he had to lose the WWWF championship first or else he wouldn't qualify as a top contender in the Ted Turnor-owned promotion.

Vince MacMahon would have allowed Brent to "do the time honored tradition" (and that's NOT as dirty as it sounds!) to any of the era's top stars, such as "Derek" Kurrgan, "The World's Strongest Hog" Mark Henry Goddwynn, TAFKA Michinoclue or Doug Furnace. Yet Brent insisted he drop the belt to only one person: Heartburn Kid Sean McMichaels.

McMichaels, who hadn't yet found Jesus, said he wouldn't win the title in Montreal because he had something against French-Canadians. But who doesn't -- am I right, people?

Sooooo… as a compromise, MacMahon ordered a "shmozz" which would fool all the "smart marks" into thinking the "shoot" was really a "work" before they "worked" a "Broadway" while "gigging" "hardway".

But then, MacMahon went back on his word, when he asked special guest referee Earl Hefner to "please ring the darn bell". And just like that, the wrestling industry as we knew it changed forever.

… OR DID IT?

It did.

The lamest non-WWE version of the nWo ever.

Underwhelming. Waste of talent. A complete and utter disaster.

None of these terms could ever be used to describe Brent's fantastic run in WCW. Consider the following series of events:

Nov. 1997 - Teased to be coming into the nWo.

Dec. 1997 - Pretends to, but doesn't, join the nWo.

May 1998 - Kind of joins the nWo.

June 1998 - Doesn't actually join the nWo.

August 1998 - Feuds with The Guy From MAD TV.

Nov. 1999 - Really does join the nWo.

Dec. 1999 - Teases a break-up of the nWo.

Feb. 2000 - Retires after Bill Goldenberg "accidentally" kicks him in the nWo.

Oh… just accept it, people!

Is there a future for Brent "Hate Man" Heart? Or was his final chapter already written before this overly drawn-out and largely pointless column?

Yes.

Whenever we want to go back to an era of tag team wrestling that doesn't involve Kain as champion, he'll be remembered.

Whenever we need someone to whine about the Surviving Series incident, he'll be remembered.

Whenever we want to recall a time when Canada wasn't just known for its wiseass Internet wrestling columnists, he'll be remembered.

Whenever anyone doubts whether Vince MacMahon is a genius, he'll be remembered.

Whenever WWE's "Bite Me" Internet show needs an over-the-hill guest so that Pyrofalkon can screw up the coverage of the program… he'll be remembered.

Whenever anyone wants to read a REALLY FUNNY email sent to him in a fantastic new book, he'll be remembered.

Whenever Triple HHH holds back young talent, he'll be remembered.

Whenever anyone wants to remember his classic catch phrase:

"And that's the bottom line, because if ya smelllllllalalalalalalalalow… there ever will be."