of "Christmas Carols, If They Were Written About Modern-Day Wrestlers And Sometimes Didn't
Exactly Rhyme™". You don't? Oh, well, check it out right here.
And now, in the grand tradition of that, here's something
I like to call:
Christmas Carols, If They Were Written About Modern-Day Wrestlers And Sometimes Didn't Exactly Rhyme II™
Enjoy the tunes, and be sure to sing along while reading this, even if you're at work (the boss won't mind,
trust me):
(Sung to the tune of "Rudolph
The Red Nosed Reindeer")
J.R. the old announcer Had a very Southern drawl ("Bah gawd!") And if you'd ever heard him You would think
he called football ("Slobber-knocker!")
All of the McMahon family Used to laugh and call him names ("Like tubby!") They never let poor J.R. Play in
all their backstage games ("Like Johnny Ace")
Then one dreary autumn eve, Linda came to say: "Even though I'm oh, so tired, I have to say, JR – you're
fired!"
Then they got Good Ol' Joey The rest, they say, is history ("OH MY GOD!") Jim Ross, he found work elsewhere Announcing
on Velo-ci-ty ("Bah gawd!")
(Sung to the tune of "White Christmas")
I'm dreaming of a clean drug test Just like the ones I used to fake I'd fill a cup, with my pee Then switch
it, with Ivory's Oh, those lies, that I used to make
I'm dreaming of a clean drug test I'd love to pass again
this year They can gloss over my 'roids Or switch my piss, with Mark Lloyd's So I can keep, jabbing needles in my
rear
I'm dreaming of a clean drug test Oh wait, I've got a great excuse I can write some fiction, A so-called
"prescription" And say my somas are for "medical use".
(Sung to the
tune of "You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch")
You're a mean one, Vinnie Mac You don't just play a heel, You're deluded as a junkie, thinking everything
is real, Vinnie Mac You're a bad apple -- one like Carlito would steal!
You're a monster, Vinnie Mac, We know you don't have a soul All you care about is money, that's your only single
goal, Vinnie Mac If you could swing it -- you'd bury all your wrestlers in a hole!
You're a foul one, Vinnie Mac You'll barely put over your kid You have all the tender sweetness, of a garbage-pail
lid, Vinnie Mac You're only slightly more stable than… Sycho Sid!
(Sung to the tune
of "We Wish You A Merry Christmas")
We wish you all the best in We wish you all the best in We wish you all the best in Your future endeavors
Bad tidings we bring You've had better days Now that we've said we've Agreed to part ways
We wish you all the best in We wish you all the best in We wish you all the best in Your future endeavors
Just leave with some grace Without any fights And find a new name 'cause We still
own the rights.
We wish you all the best in We wish you all the best in We wish you all the best in Your
future endeavors
Go work in Japan Do something worthwhile Then come back when
you have learned Main event style
We wish you all the best in We wish you all the best in We wish you all the best in Your
future endeavors
(Sung to the tune of "Silent Night")
Si-lence, crowd Stop be-ing so loud It's just TNA; don't act so proud Maybe you fans are all hopped up on
beer, But freakin' Abyss doesn't need his own cheer Just watch in heavenly pe-ace Watch in heavenly peace
Si-lence,
fans Just sit on your hands Quit your dumb chants, or we'll sell to the McMahons Stop marking for dumb things like
Monty Brown's "Pounce" And don't get us started on that damn "Bentley Bounce" Just watch in heavenly pe-ace Watch
in heavenly peace
Si-lence, drones In the iMPACT Zone™ We know we're not big-time; please leave us alone It's
not that we hate you, we just really feel We'll decide who's a face, and who's a heel Just watch in heavenly pe-ace Watch
in heavenly peace
(Sung to the tune
of "Do They Know It's Christmas?")
It's SmackDown time; there's no need to be afraid It's still on the air; and the writers still get paid And in
our world of wrestling, we can spread a lot of lies But can the writers make fans believe it, come SmackDown time?
Just say a prayer, pray that they'll want to see At SmackDown time, The Boogeyman or dead referees And no one
finds this funny; it's a world of dread and fear You wonder what the writers are drinking, 'Cause it's sure as
hell not beer
And yet SmackDown still gets ratings With these storylines-a-flaw Well tonight, thank God it's them, instead
of Raw!
And there's no Al Snow or Mankind left on SmackDown (ohhhhh) They don't even have Kurt, Cena, or Big Show And
with every lousy joke, you can tell this show is broke Can they write a wrestling show at all?
Here's to Benoit -- maybe he'll be champion Oh yeah, right -- we're just saying that, for fun Can they write
a wrestling show at all?
Write a show Write a show
Write a show - one without lame comedy Write a show - or the next one to off themselves will be me
Write a show Write a show
(Sung to the tune
of "Frosty The Snowman"
Brocky The Lesnar He was called "The Next Big Thing" Fulfilled all our fears, lasting – what – two
years? Then he left the wrestling ring.
Brocky The Lesnar He was really on a roll Then he wanted more than this wrestling crap Like a ring from the
Super Bowl.
There must have no talent In his steroid-ridden frame, 'Cause when he tried out for the team, They banned
him from the game.
Oh! Brocky The Lesnar Weaseled out of his wrestling deal, Said to Vince McMahon, "I'm off to New Japan, I
don't care how that makes you feel!"
Thumpety-thump-thump, thumpety-thump-thump, Brocky just wants to work Thumpety-thump-thump, thumpety-thump-thump, Even
though he's a jerk
Brocky The Lesnar Knew that Vince would sue his ass Still he never ceased, to keep flying East Where they
don't care if he's on the gas
Brocky The Lesnar Knows he'll have to quit one day Then he'll wave goodbye, saying "Don't you cry, I'll just
go to TNA."
Well, that about does it for
this week. In the true spirit of Christmas and Chanukah and (later on) St. Valentine's Day, I'd like to thank both Johnny
ITR and Matt Horking for filling in for me so capably during my recent drug-related "issues"! And except for Pyrofalkon,
I'd like to wish everyone the happiest holidays ever!
EVER!!!
Have I got something special
planned for you all next week? BANK ON IT!!!
And, uh… thanks for the
compliment!!! (There, that completes the catchphrase trifecta).
Happy holidays! |