Well, obviously it will. What are you, stupid?

JANUARY

-       Noted philanthropist Triple HHH warns young apprentice Deacon Bautista not to covet "his" WWE Undisputed Raw World Championship. Bautista says that's fine, and instead turns his attention to matches such as the Eliminating Chamber at New Year's Resolution and the 30 man Regal Rumble. Hey, wait a minute. HE WAS SETTING US UP ALL ALONG!!!

-       Nothing happens in NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass). Yes, Eric Watts tries to kill himself or some crap like that, but nothing important.

-       Fourth-generation superstar Charlita Caribbean Cruel starts a petition to oust Smack! Down District Manager T.D. Long. Yeah, that was the big problem on that show this year.

-       Former preacher Jake "The Snakeman" Robards is arrested for possession of cocaine. WHAAAA? Just when you thought all of our childhood heroes still had their heads screwed on straight…

-       Male fantasy Randy ORTON! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!! begins suffering from concussions during PPV's, Raw, house shows and (probably) at home. No one can tell the difference.

-       WWE Figurehead Commissioner Vince MacMahon falls flat on his ass, Vadar-style, at the end of the Regal Rumble, right before he was set to declare ME as the winner. Hey, don't take my word for it: check out my column from prior to the big event and draw your own conclusions as to what really happened!

-       ITR of the month: The Rise and Fall and Fall and Rise of ECW.

FEBRUARY

-       World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. Inc. Ltd. LLC begins showing clips of classic movies that their top superstars will soon appear in remakes of, such as: Mean Eugene in "Rain Man"; Triple HHH and Nature Guy Ricky Flare in "Flubber"; Kur Tangle and Kirstie Hemmey in "You've Got Mail"; The Old-School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like He Used To in "American Pie"; and John Ceno in "The iPod Commercial of Enimem's Silhouette Dancing to 'Lose Yourself'".

-       Nothing happens in NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass). Sure, Big Sex Killer Kevin Nash wrestled a whole match without injuring himself, and the former Big Ass Barry Gun (now known as Kid James) made his T&A debut to the delight of no one except Cory Harris, but nothing important.

-       Wrestling dog John Breadshaw Lagerfeld makes fun of Ceno's roots, because he comes from a poor neighborhood where kids have to steal hubcaps for money! And all of them are hooked on crack! And crank! Whatever that is! And they all have to make jokes about people being gay! And sing lame raps! And (JLB called it) the worst neighborhood ever!

-       EVER!!!

-       Helllllllo ladies: Kirstie poses NAKED IN THE NUDE in a very special edition of Playgirl magazine, while Candice Cameron becomes famous for her Yo! Daddy commercial during the half-time of Superball XIXIXXXXXVXXXXXXVXXIXVX, and Amy Webburn quits WWE because (probably) Orton took a dump in her gym bag.

-       Humanitarian Triple HHH saves Deacon Bautista from being hit by JLB's bull car, not because he's selfish the way all you Internet jerks think he is, but because he's just a nice guy who cares about his friends.

-       ITR of the month: Hooray for Hollywood.

MARCH

-       My former Humber College alumnae ThEdge BLATANTLY STEALS Mike Hardy Version XP's girlfriend The Returning Leeta from RIGHT UNDER HIS NOSE (don't ask what she was doing there). Let's just hope ThEdge doesn't steal anything else from anyone this year.

-       Nothing happens in NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass). Okay, you might want to count the teased reunion of the Roaddog Jamie James-Barry Gun's New Fangled Outlaws team and the heel turn of Alphabet Male Murphy Brown, but nothing important.

-       Presenting YOUR 2005 WWE Hall of Fame inductees: Hal Kogan, Junk Yard Doug, Hillbilly John, Jimminy "Superfreak" Snuka, Tito Montana, Andrew The Giant, Captain Lou Albino, Windy Richter, Mean "Gene" Okerfeld, Rod Roddy Piper, The Iran Sheik, Nick Volkov (that one's for you, Stu), Big Josh Stud, Master Fuji, Marvelous Moolah and occasionally, Bobby "The Brian" Heenen.

-       Music legend Heartburn Kid Sean McMichaels teams up with Mary Jannety in what is billed as a "one-time-only" reunion of The Rock and Rollers on Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw. But, of course, this being wrestling, nothing is ever "one time". Except for this angle, which confuses the hell out of me.

-       Stoned Cold Sheriff Austen signs a multi-year, multi-movie, multi-lame deal with WWE Movies, which I'm sure will crank out box office smash after box office smash.

-       ITR of the month: Halkomania Will Live Forever.

APRIL

-       WrestelMania XXX1 ("Where It All Begins Again. Again.") features the crowning of two first time-world champions, two matches that approached five-star territory, and several nostalgic returns, but it will most likely remembered as the event where The Best Show had to show ass. Literally.

-       Nothing happens in NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass). Sure, they held a PPV where there were like 23 steel cage matches in a row, each one lamer than the next, marking the first time that jobbers have been allowed to compete in specialty matches since the last ROH show, but nothing important.

-       World Wrestling Federtainment Blah Blah Blah callously FIRES Mike Hardy For Workstations, Molly Hardy (no relation) and The Man-Beast Rhinocerous because they all ABSOLUTELY SUCK! They wish them the best in future endeavors.

-       Up and comers Heartburn Kid Sean McMichaels and Hollywood Hal Kogan agree to team up for what is billed as a "one-time-only" reunion of, uh, Kogan and McMichaels, in a match against noted terrorists Mohachmed Hussein and Osama Arafat. But, of course, this being wrestling, nothing is ever "one time". Because they probably team up again, or something.

-       ITR of the month: 1995 Retro ITR

MAY

-       As if stealing someone else's slutty diva wasn't enough, kleptomaniac ThEdge (a/k/a Stewart Copeland) steals something even more important: MY "BANK ON IT!!!" CATCHPHRASE!!!

-       Nothing happens in NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass). True, they brought in Mixed-Up Martial Arts superstar Tito "Santana" Ortiz as a referee, and some guy named B.J. Styles won their version of the world title, eliminating Double Jeff Jarrod from the championship picture forever, but nothing important.

-       Former WWE, WCW, ECW, T&A, SMW, USWA, XPW and (I'm guessing) ROH superstar Chris Candida dies after one of the T&A workers isn't careful with their flippy, highspot shit, and land on him the wrong way. BASTARD!

-       The Returning Leeta dumps her husband The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain in favor of… I mean, can you believe the bastard would steal my catchphrase? I've been using it for years!

-       Latina superstar Latin Heat Eddie Guerrera begins turning on his "nephew" Roy Mystereo Junior. But don't you worry, folks, Eddie will get his later on …

-       WHAT??? I just meant that he'll lose a whole bunch of matches to "Roy Roy" later on in the year. What did you THINK I was referring to?

-       You know how we should get back at ThEdge for stealing my catchphrase? Someone should buy this here T-Shirt. Or at least this very attractive new book. Yeah, that's right -- I'm going there.

-       ITR of the month: Superstar Wars - A New Hope

JUNE

-       E-C-Dub-a-Mania™ runs wild with the WWE Presents ECW Presents WWE's ECW One More Night pay-per-view and the Franchise Shawn Douglas Whines For Three Hours house show in Philly. Things haven't changed a bit from the old days: Sand Man is still the biggest unemployed drunk this side of Andy Capp; Joe E. Styles is still a rebel who won't kowtow to promoters; Paul Herman is still a jerk; The Blow Meanie is still getting bullied by JLB; and Pitbull Number One (or possibly Two) is still dead.

-       Nothing happens in NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass). Yeah, future main-eventer Shark Guy tries to sue Disney over the use of his - ahem - gimmick, and noted physician Ravin wins the "world" title at their little Slamboreeaverisary PPV, but nothing important.

-       The annual "Lethal Draft Lottery" begins, with Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw gaining John Ceno, Kur Tangle, Charlita Caribbean Cruel, The Best Show, Rod Van-Damme, and Everyone Else That Was Decent. In exchange, Not Yet Friday Night Smack! Down gains the services of Deacon Bautista, The Bash 'Em Brother That Isn't Gay, and possibly The Boogerman.

-       Admitted Scientologist Y J Stinger Chuck Jericho turns heel for the first time ever (EVER!!!), shocking everyone because it turns out, we was just in for the money. Which would explain why he will leave in just a month or two to tour the world with his band Fozzie Bear.

-       Whiny crybaby Mike Hardy Version 2.0 For Windows, who hasn't been heard from since -- oh hell, since the last time you logged onto his freaking website -- is heard from again. Kind of. During the triple threat wedding of catchphrase-stealer ThEdge, slut The Returning Leeta and foot-fetishist SHNITSKY!!!, Hardy's music begins to play. But that doesn't mean VI is coming back to WWE. Right, marks? RIGHT? You fools…

-       Deacon Bautista and Triple HHH squared off for the third and final time in their thrilling series of PPV battles. Oops, did I mention that Bautista turned? Aw, crap…

-       ITR of the month: O Canada!
 

Can't wait to hear how the rest of the year pans out? (Spoiler alert: you're going to have to.) Tune in next week, same ITR time, same ITR channel for 2005: The Best Year In Wrestling Ever! EVER!!! (Part Two). And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.