"Welcome... to WrestelMania! By the way, I'm an egomaniacal nutjob who is horribly out of touch
with what the fans want!" -- Vince MacMahon, WrestelMania III
("Bigger. Better. Badddddder.")
Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and largely HYPOTHETICAL
edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm recreational-drug enthusiast Canadian Bulldog. We've got lots to get to this week, so let's
hop right to it!
The Only Thing We Have To Get To This Week: Unless you have been living
under a rock (and how's that been working out for you?),
or are really, really dumb, you know that we are just TEN DAYS away from "The Grandpappy Of 'Em All", none other than WrestelMania
XX2!!!
Instead of doing what every Tom, Dick and Pyrofalkon on the Internet are no doubt going to be doing, I thought
I would provide my readers (because my readers ROCK!!!) with an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED preview of what to expect at "the big
show".
The event, that is. Not the obese wrestler of the same name.
So let's get right to it. What are you waiting
for - Pesach?
Name: John Ceno Quote: "World Life!" Finishing Maneuver: The Fuck You Strengths:
Unwavering fan Support Weaknesses: Can't be seen
Name: Triple HHH Quote: "I Am That Darn Good" Finishing Maneuver: Sledgehammer-To-The-Skull Strengths:
24" pythons Weaknesses: Sometimes he cares a little TOO much
So it's finally come down to this -- John Ceno vs. Triple HHH. The match everyone (including YOU!!!) has been
waiting for. It's moments like this I wake up in the morning and thank the good lord above that he decided to make me a wrestling
fan.
And yeah, Ceno ain't winning.
Name: Roy Mystereo Junior Quote: "Andale, Andale, Arriba!" Finishing
Maneuver: The 416 (in Toronto only) Strengths: Does lots of flip-floppy shit Weaknesses: Afraid of the dark
Name: Kur Tangle Quote: "I Suck!" Finishing Maneuver: Stepover-
Toehold- Anklelock Strengths: Broken freaking neck!!! Weaknesses: Doesn't know how to ride a bicycle
Name: Randy Orton! Orton! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!! Quote: "Duh..." Finishing
Maneuver: Standing there; Looking dumb Strengths: Too numerous to mention Weaknesses: Father tends to bleed his HIV-infected
blood on opponents
Canadian Bulldog's recipe for an awesome little main event dish: Take a piping-hot bowl of Olympic gold medal,
(Kur Tangle), add a dash of real-life emotion stemming from someone dedicating the match to their dead brother (Roy Mystereo
Junior), and then stir the pot with a generous helping of douchebag (Randy Orton! Orton! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!!).
Voila
-- you've got yourself some "Smack! Down Stew". Add garlic to taste. Serves family of four. Do NOT reheat. Mmmm Mmmm Good!!!
Name: Vince MacMahon Quote: "This Interview... IS OVER!!!" Finishing
Maneuver: The Whattamaneuver/Atomic Assflex Strengths: If he wants, say, Battle Kat, to show up on his next show, then
brother, Battle Kat is gonna be there! Weaknesses: Broke both his kneecaps in a freak Royal Rumble accident
Name: "Heartburn Kid" Sean McMichaels Quote: "I'm Just A Sexy Boy
(Sexy Boy). I'm Not Your Boy Toy (Boy Toy)." Finishing Maneuver: That Lame-Ass Shit Where He Falls Down, Flat On His Back
And Then Kips Up. I Mean, Does Anyone NOT See That Coming Anymore? Strengths: The power of Christ Weaknesses: Still
hasn't deciphered The Da Vinci Code.
For years now, Vince MacMahon and Sean McMichaels have been feuding over which of them did more damage to
the life of Brent "Hate Man" Hurt. Now, they're taking their friendly debate to the ring!
Look for Shane O' Max to
run out to the ring and distract HKB! And then HKB will call out NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass)
superstar Stink, because they're both Born-Again Christian Cages! And then the two of them will fight the MacMahon family!
But then Stephoney MacMahon will run and say that she's going into labor! So the match will get transferred to the lobby of
a Chicago hospital! The one that they used to film "ER" and "Saint Elsewhere" in! And while Vinnie Max paces in the hallway,
McMichaels will hit him with a superkick! And then they'll both fall down, but McMichaels will kip up first! Just like he
always does! And then the baby will born, and the father will be... BRENT "HATE MAN" HURT! And he'll say "Triple HHH didn't
screw Stephoney; Brent Hurt screwed Stephoney!" Which is a great way to pay off a nine-year old storyline! But Triple HHH
won't care because it's just a storyline anyways, and in reality, Brent isn't really Stephoney's type! She more goes for muscular
jerks! And then while everyone is confused over the sudden turn of events, Vince MacMahon will call Mary Jannetty from prison,
and spring him on bail! But by the time he's out of jail and has signed all the necessary paperwork, not to mention traveled
to Chicago, the match will have long ended! And it will be the best ending ever!
EVER!!!
Name: The Classic Old-School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like He Used To Quote:
"Your Dead" Finishing Maneuver: The One Where He Sits On The Guy And Drops Him On His Head Strengths: Ummm... he never
loses? Weaknesses: Kryptonite
Name: "The World's Fattest Man" Sexual Mark Chocolate Quote: "Hey Hey Hey!" Finishing
Maneuver: This Would Suggest He's Ever Won A Match Strengths: Plenty Weaknesses: Plenty
Will The Ordertaker rise from the ashes to confront his toughest challenge ever (EVER!!!)? Or will Sexual
Mark Chocolate add another notch to his undefeated streak of never losing (or competing) at a WrestelMania?
BANK ON
IT!!!
Name: ThEdge Quote: (Sigh) "BANK ON IT!!!" Finishing Maneuver: Gore Strengths:
Adept at stealing things (girlfriends, catchphrases) Weaknesses: Let's just say he's not exactly "Sexton Hardcastle" in
the Bedroom (Thanks for the tip, Leeta!)
Name: Cactus Jack Manson Quote: "Blam Blam! Blam Blam!" Finishing Maneuver:
Oh, Like It Matters... Strengths: Can write up one hell of a blog Weaknesses: Let's just say he's not exactly "Dude
Love" in the kitchen (I have NO idea what that means!)
For some unexplained reason, the "Rated E For Everyone Superstar" has a massive chip on his shoulders these
days. But instead of taking it out on losers like Mike Hardy, ThEdge decided to pick a fight with former hardcore legend Mick
Farley.
Hopefully, this feud will end the way it started - with Farley offering to get ThEdge and The Christian a round
of sodas while they relax in their dressing room, because "Sodas Rule!".
Name: Bobby Lashleroux Quote: "What? Pardon?" Finishing Maneuver:
Reverse Gutplex Strengths: "It doesn't look he's missed too many meals." Weaknesses: "Where do you go to get weighed
when you're that big? The meat scales?"
Name: Sheldon Benjamin Quote: "Ain't No Stopping Me... NAH!" (Sorry,
Matt) Finishing Maneuver: Stinger Deathlock Strengths: "I wouldn't buy a used car from him." Weaknesses: "Pandemonium
has broken loose!"
Name: Mike Hardy Version 3.3 For Professionals Quote: "Guess What?
I May Die After All" Finishing Maneuver: See also Henry, Mark Strengths: "He can beat any superstar here on any given
night." Weaknesses: "Look out! Excedrin headache number nine!"
Name: Rod Van-Damme Quote: "`Scuse Me While I Kiss The Sky" Finishing
Maneuver: Five-Star Frog Press (Reduced To Four And A Half Stars After Scott Keeth Got Through With It) Strengths: "A miscarriage
of justice, right here in the Garden." Weaknesses: "Those size sixteen boots, right in the kisser."
Name: Fat Finley Quote: "Frosted Lucky Charms - They're Magically
Delicious, BITCH!" Finishing Maneuver: Irish Whip Strengths: "Highway robbery is what that was!" Weaknesses: "Nailed
him there in the external occipital pertuberance."
Name: "Nature Guy" Ricky Flare Quote: "Woo hoo!" Finishing Maneuver:
Feature-Four Legstop Strengths: "WILL YOU STOP?" Weaknesses: "The two of them couldn't get lost together."
Anything can happen in this type of match. ANYTHING!
Mind you, I highly doubt that, say, Mike
Hardy will turn into a Transformer (probably that bastard Optimus Prime) and start crushing his opposition!
Or for
that matter, I wouldn't bank on Sheldon Benjamin getting a bucket of green slime on his head after he says "I don't know"
a la syndicated television show "You Can't Do That On Television".
I also wouldn't expect Ricky Flare and Fat Finley
to tour retirement homes in the Florida Panhandle with their brand-new musical.
Don't hold your breath for Rod Van-Damme
to rapidly transform into a crime-fighting walrus, either. Unless he hallucinates it, that is.
And while we're at it,
I really doubt that Bobby Lashleroux will spontaneously combust.
So I guess the match will be fairly predictable.
Name: John Bradshaw Breadshaw Lagerfeld Quote: "Everyone has a price for the
Million Dollar Man JLB! Ahahahahahahahahaha!" Finishing Maneuver: Clothesline From Hell Texas Strengths: Rapes rookies
in the shower Veteran Weaknesses: Veteran Rapes rookies in the shower
Name: Chris Benwah Quote: " " Finishing Maneuver: Crippler Cross-Faced Chicken
Wing Strengths: One mean mothafucka on the mic Weaknesses: Lack of technical expertise will make it hard for him to
keep up
George Hackenschmidt. Lou Thesz. Nick Bockwinkel. "Whipper" Billy Watson. Eddie Graham.
None
of these people have ever held the WWE's "USA" title before. So why the hell does John Breadshaw Lagerfeld need to? Or Chris
Benwah, for that matter?
Name: Tritch Stratus Quote: "Hahaha - Ohhhh..." (FROM THE STARTING OF HER THEME
SONG!!!) Finishing Maneuver: The Stratus Symbol, Or Some Shit Strengths: Easy on the eyes, if you catch my meaning! Weaknesses:
None
Name: Mickey Jane Quote: "Don't ask me; I'm just a girl." Finishing
Maneuver: Flying Jalapeno Strengths: Kind of psychotic, if you catch my meaning! Weaknesses: On level 13, if you go
to the door on the left, you will be indestructible for the rest of the game.
No one is quite sure what came between these two, once inseparable chums.
One can only guess that,
because all women seem to like pornography, that the relationship between these two ugly young women disintegrated after they
found out that fellow Diva Candace Cameron was going to be in "Hustler" instead of them.
Yet, let's hope that for the
sake of their friendship, and for the sake of Tritch Stratus's ugly boyfriend that can't tell the two of them apart, that
WrestelMania isn't the end of a story, but the beginning of a new chapter in Tritch and Mickey Jane's relationship.
Name: The Best Show & The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain Quote: "We're Here
To Pump (CLAP!) You Up! Finishing Maneuver: Something That Involves Both A Choke And Slamming Strengths: Can execute
most of them "fat freakjob" moves Weaknesses: 1) Light 2) Water 3) Being fed after midnight
Name: Charlita Carribbean Cruel & Chris Masterpiece Quote: "I Like To Stab
People Who Aren't Cool" Finishing Maneuver: Double Flying Jalapeno Strengths: Brains AND brawn -- it's the perfect combination. Weaknesses:
Masterpiece once tried to put a Masterlock on Charlita's apple
Look for the team of to come out on top.
Name: Boogey Man Quote: "I'm Boogey Man, And I'm Comin' To Kill Ya!" Finishing
Maneuver: The Worm (Get it? Get it?) Strengths: Master of in-ring psychology Weaknesses: Just kidding
Name: Bookie T & Charlene Quote: "I'm Gonna Git Ya... SUCKAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Finishing
Maneuver: Spinaroney Strengths: Came here to kick ass to chew bubble gum, and is all out of bubble gum (also, ass) Weaknesses:
Can't let go of his Harlem roots
Do you believe in miracles?
If so, "Boogey vs. Bookie" could be the match for you. Every year, WrestelMania
produces one "dream" match for the ages. Last year, it was Hollywood Hal Kogan vs. Mohachmed Hussein. The year before that,
it was... uh... well... Look, I don't remember, okay? It's because of an inner-ear problem I have that causes me to sometimes
forget... uh... forget... uh...
My new book, "Thanks For The Compliment: Canadian Bulldog's
Nuttiest Letters Ever! EVER!!!" is still available!
Name: Torrie Watson Quote: "Your ass is grass, and I'm gonna smoke it!" Finishing
Maneuver: Bra Pull? Strengths: As talented a wrestler as she is an actor Weaknesses: Billy The Kid-Sized Man has been
holding her back for years.
Name: Candace Cameron Quote: "Listen to my annoying voice!" Finishing Maneuver:
Really, now... Strengths: Don't discount to the power of the magic wand Weaknesses: Can't let go of her Harlem roots
This bout isn't without precedent. The usage of pillows goes far back in this world of what we call stupid
fake wrestling.
The first such incident, according to historians, was in 1988, when "The Leaping Legend" Lenny
Zybybybsko handed "Perfect Man" Kirk Henning a loaded pillow to help him win the AWA World Title.
A second incident
appeared in 1993 during the WWE's "King O' The Ring" PPV, when a phony photographer threw a flaming pillow at Hal Kogan's
face, causing him to be momentarily distracted and lose the title to Yozokuna.
Of course, the most famous incident
occurred in early 2000, when booker Vince Rousseau told Double Jeff Jarrod to lay down and lose the WCW title to a large blue
sofa cushion. And let us not forget the thrilling "TLCP" (Tables, Ladders, Chairs and Pillows) match between The Hardy Brotherz,
The Dudley Brotherz and ThEdge and Christian Brotherz.
We can only hope that this match can live up to its famous predecessors.
So
there you have it -- WMXX2 from top to bottom. I'll be back next week with something VERY special (okay, I have no ideas yet),
but feel free to drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's... Inside The Ropes.
