As WrestleMania 22 fast approaches, I'm reminded of the last time I actually gave a shit about this business we call stupid fake wrestling. That would be the era of "The Monday Night Wars".

I thought I'd go back and look in great detail at the five-year period in which the World Wrestling Federation's Monday Night Raw and World Championship Wrestling's Monday Nitro were competitive with each other.

In this jumbo-sized column (which will have roughly 500,000 words; enough text to fill a small book), we're going to examine what was going on during these years, why it was important to the industry, and why it's still fascinatingly relevant to the business today.

We'll also look at the key players, including Stone Cold Steve Austin, Eric Bischoff, "Nature Boy" Ric Flair, Mick "Mankind" Foley, Scott Hall, Bret "Hitman" Hart, Hulk Hogan, Prince Iaukea, Lex Luger, Kevin Nash, "Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels, The Rock, Vince Russo, Randy "Macho Man" Savage, Gene Snitsky, Sting, Triple H, The Undertaker and Vince McMahon, and how their contributions helped shape the Monday Night Wars.

We're also going to examine some of the most important storylines and angles from the era, which ones worked and which ones failed, which ones went too far, who thought up each of them and the exact date each one was concocted. We'll compare them with all of the current storylines in WWE and TNA (yes, INCLUDING the stupid Jackie Gayda angle), and see whether bookers have learned from past mistakes. They haven't.

We'll also have an in-depth examination of weekly Nielsen ratings, when each show would typically peak, which types of segments worked better than others, and how the producers of Nitro and Raw used that to their advantage.

We'll also look at the guaranteed salaries, contracts, outside advertising and other intangibles that shaped this legendary rivalry.

To get your weekly subscription started, you can do so by Visa or Mastercard by sending… whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa WHOA!!!

Wait a second - doing all that stuff might require some, you know, actual research. Screw that!

Instead, what I'm going to do is take a look at fifteen ten eight several key weeks during those years. Here, then, is The True Wrestling Story of The Monday Night Wars.

Monday Night Raw

Key Performers: Rad Radford, Dr. Isaac Yankem, DDS, Savio Vega.

Key Storylines: Billionaire Ted announces a comeback for his Geriatric Gladiators; (The Real) Jim Cornette launches into a "shoot promo" about how all wrestlers take steroids; Henry O. Godwinn finally "goes all the way" with Sunny only to find out she's really just Phineas in drag; Jake "The Snake" Roberts passes out mid-ring for no apparent reason.

Main Event: Bret "Hit Man" Hart and William Shatner vs. Jerry "The King" Lawler and Mr. Sulu.

Monday Nitro

Key Performers: nWo, nWo and nWo.

Key Storylines: The nWo attacks everyone on the roster, except for Bobby Eaton; Eric Bischoff calls Vince McMahon a homosexual nazi - and he hasn't even turned heel yet!; Brian Pillman passes out mid-ring for no apparent reason.

Main Event: The nWo vs. Rey Mysterio Jr., El Dandy, Juventud Guerrera, Super Calo, Psychosis, Ultimo Dragon, Villano 3, The Silver Kings, Mil Mascaras and Hector Garza in a special "Losers must join the nWo" match.

Ratings Battle: Raw 0.00005; Nitro 7.4

Bulldog's Winner: Nitro had a lot of fresh, innovative storylines going for it, such as the nWo angle and… and, uh… well, that's not really important. What matters is that they're pushing the nWo. By the way, every single time I type "nWo", the auto-correct function changes it to "now". IF I WANTED TO SAY "now", I WOULD JUST FUCKING TYPE "now"! DAMMIT!!!! Anyways, Nitro wins.

Monday Night Raw

Key Performers: Shawn Michaels, Triple H, Mick Foley, Kane. My, how things have changed over the years!

Key Storylines: Bret "Hitman" Hart is fondly remembered in a touching video tribute entitled "You Fucking Suck, Shitbag Hoser!"; D-Generation X (mostly Chyna) rapes Helen Hart; Ahmed Johnson accidentally kills a fan.

Main Event: Sable vs. Jacquelyn in the 3^rd annual "Hot Chickz Show Off Their Titz" match.

Monday Nitro

Key Performers: Hollywood Hulk Hogan; Others.

Key Storylines: The nWo (or, if you will, "now") threaten to murder Bret "Hitman" Hart if he doesn't join the group by midnight tonight. Unfortunately, the show is only the air until 11 p.m.; Sting shows up in mid-ring to scare off Hollywood Hulk Hogan, so Hollywood Hulk Hogan orders the nWo to destroy him. Unfortunately, it's not the real Sting, it's just Hollywood Hulk Hogan in disguise.

Main Event: "Rowdy" Roddy Piper vs. Logic.

Ratings Battle: Raw 0.01; Nitro 47376.2

Bulldog's Winner: The Vince Russo-inspired "Crash TV" makes it hard for me to favor Raw, yet I just watched the EXACT same episode of Nitro two weeks earlier. So even though the ratings difference isn't crystal-clear, Raw wins by default.

 

Monday Night Raw

Key Performers: Vince McMahon, Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Key Storylines: Vince McMahon says that tonight, in this very ring, if Stone Cold Steve Austin doesn't give up drinking beer and instead become a wine connoisseur, he'll be fired; Dude Love and Goldust are ordered by Vince McMahon to take Stone Cold Steve Austin on a tour of Napa Valley wineries; hilarious results ensue.

Main Event: Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Goldust and Dude Love with Vince McMahon as a special referee, and pinfalls don't count unless Stone Cold Steve Austin is being pinned by Vince McMahon.

Monday Nitro

Key Performers: Hulk Hogan, Rowdy Roddy Piper, Paul Orndorff, Mr. T.

Key Storylines: WWI Message Board favorite Bill Goldberg reaches 85-and-0 in his undefeated streak, but Tony Schiavone accidentally calls it 83-and-2; Scott Hall gets horribly wasted at some guy's Nitro party; Mama (from Mama's Family) returns as the latest nWo recruit.

Main Event: Dean Malenko and Chris Jericho vs. Eddie Guerrero and vs… hahahaha, just kidding! It's Eric Bischoff vs. J.J. Dillon in a Fijian Strap Match.

Ratings Battle: Raw 6.1 Nitro 3.1

Bulldog's Winner: I liked the first 90 minutes or so of the Austin-McMahon segment, but you just can't beat Mama calling Big Bubba Rogers a "damn lunkhead". Nitro wins.

Monday Night Raw

Key Performers: Vince McMahon, Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Key Storylines: Vince McMahon says that tonight, in this very ring, if Stone Cold Steve Austin doesn't surrender the title, he'll have to face both The Undertaker and Kane; Austin refuses and sprays McMahon with a cup of Shawn Michaels' Urine for some reason; hilarious results ensue; D-Generation X breaks into WCW headquarters and steal The Giant's merchandise checks.

Main Event: Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Vince McMahon, Shane McMahon, The Rock, D-Lo Brown and Droz.

Monday Nitro

Key Performers: nWo Hollywood, nWo Wolfpac, nWo Japan, nWo Elite, nWo Black and White, nWo Orange and Green, nWo Mauve.

Key Storylines: Eric Bischoff criticizes the WWF for rehashing the same tired storylines over and over again; the nWo continues its pursuit of Sting; Bret Hart cries quietly in a corner.

Main Event: Diamond Dallas Page, Jay Leno and Karl Malone vs. Kevin Nash, Dennis Rodman and David Letterman.

Ratings Battle: Raw 7.9 Nitro 0.5

Bulldog's Winner: What can I say - I'm a sucker for a good "spilled urine" sketch. Raw wins.

Monday Night Raw

Key Performers: Rikishi and Too Cool, Prince Albert, The Godfather.

Key Storylines: Paul Bearer and Kane place a death curse on British Bulldog, Curt Hennig, Big Bossman, Crash Holly and Eddie Guerrero; The McMahon-Helmsley Era agrees to part ways with Mankind and wishes him the best in future endeavors.

Main Event: Triple H squashes someone. Hey, it's not like EVERYTHING has changed.

Monday Nitro

Key Performers: The Dog, Screamin' Norman Smiley, Meng, The Wall, and a bunch of other Shitty Guys.

Key Storylines: Lex Luger and Buff Bagwell inject each other with drugs; Harlem Heat 2000 realize their gimmick only has three months of shelf life left; Mama gets sneak-attacked by Vinton.

Main Event: Ric Flair vs. Bill Goldberg vs. Kevin Nash vs. Vince Russo.

Ratings Battle: Raw 5.5 Nitro 0.01

Bulldog's Winner: Clearly, no one was watching Nitro anymore (except for me, which is why no other records of this show exist). So I gave it the pity vote.

 

Monday Night Raw

Key Performers: Chris Jericho, Chris Benoit, The Dudley Boyz, Kurt Angle.

Key Storylines: The Right to Censor launches into a tirade about how much Nitro sucks; The Rock corrects them and says that Thunder sucks, too; Commissioner Foley gives a shameless plug for his new book (I hate it when people do that); Vince McMahon feels up Trish Stratus.

Main Event: Triple H squashes someone.

Monday Nitro

Key Performers: Road Warrior Animal, Buff Bagwell, Ernest "The Cat" Miller.

Key Storylines: Scott Steiner beats up a bunch of fifth-graders; the announcers hype that "the new owners will be here to save us any day now!".

Main Event: Road Warrior Animal vs. Buff Bagwell vs. Ernest "The Cat" Miller.

Ratings Battle: Raw 8.9 Nitro 0.000000000001

Bulldog's Winner: Uh, yeah…

Shortly thereafter, of course, WWF purchased WCW, creating the most exciting interpromotional war that entire year. However, that ended The Monday Night Wars. Because a lot of the big names from this era have since faded away, I thought you may be interested in learning what they're up to these days:

The Dog is now Dog The Bounty Hunter

Scott Hall is probably drunk somewhere.

Billionaire Ted runs a successful deli in Tampa.

Meng reads to seniors every Wednesday night at the local community center.

Irwin R. Shyster was, ironically, indicted on tax fraud in 2002.

Thelma "Mama" Harper enjoyed a second life in wrestling as Mama Benjamin. Uh, somehow.

Triple H was never heard from again.

For "True Wrestling Stories", I'm Canadian Bulldog.