(A) DON'T
SAY THAT DATE!!! (B) Buying
Canadian Bulldog's book. (C) Seeing a movie. (D) Seeing a movie that WON'T suck. (E) Yes.
Be sure to vote for your choice at the official and newly-renovated ITR website. Oh, and here's how you stupid marks voted last time:
What do you think of the resurrection of ECW?
(A) Fine. - 16 % (B) Shit - Paul Herman still owes me money! -
32 % (C) Are they bringing back Eddie too? - 29 % (D)
I'd rather see the resurrection of the AWF. - 9 % (E) Yes. - 12 %
And now, onto the news…
Now Can You Dig That Shootfight… SUCKAAAAAAAAAA!:
What was supposed to be a routine commercial shoot for SummerScam about wrestlers
fighting on a beach, or in a swimming pool, or some crap, turned UGLY last week.
According to insider sources, Bookie T got upset that Bautista never
thanked him for making him his "Deacon" in an earlier angle! And Bookie shouted "Tell me you didn't just say that"! And then
Bookie was going to fight him, but his arm was injured! So Smack! Down District Manager T.D.
Long stepped in and said "Hold on a minute, playa! If you can't start a fight, then you're gonna have to pick a substitute!
Buhlee dat! Holla holla!" So Bookie chose none other than Triple HHH! But "The
Criminal Assassin" looked at the situation and said "Fuck you" and then laughed for some reason! So Bookie had to fight Bautista
himself and offered to engage him a test of strength! And then Bautista gave him the "thumbs down" signal and powerbombed
him through a table! But then Bookie's homely wife Charlene told him to get up!
So he did! And then he delivered the Spin-a-roni! And it was the best legitimate fight ever!
EVER!!!
What, exactly, is Big Sex Killer Kevin Nash's
problem? One day, he's running WCW like a well-oiled machine… and then all of a sudden, he's picking on the little XXX Division wrestlers over in NWA T&A
(National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass)? What gives, Kev? Sure, you'll never have a problem going over pint-sized grapplers
like Shark Guy and Sonjay Duck, but
you don't have to FLAUNT IT!!! Why not pick on someone your own size, such as The
Great Kallie? Or Giant Gonzelles? Or Chewbacca?
In other big NWA T&A news this week… hahahaha, just kidding.
Between Triple HHH turning on his real-life brother-in-law
Shane O' Max, and former Hardcore Legend Mick
Farley turning on his real-life father Terrible Terry Fuck, we should stop
calling the show Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw Is War, and start calling it
Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw is UNPREDICTABLE!!!
My Name Is PyroFalkon, And I Like To Be A Wad:
I promised you about this exciting moment several weeks ago! Then I forgot about it entirely! Then I remembered again!
My trusty apprentice Johnny ITR recently found a PHOTOGRAPH of former (Webmaster Rick
Scherer recently said to him: "You're FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRED!") Oldline Onslut columnist PyroFalkon:
Now… there's nothing wrong with the picture, per se. And I'm comfortable enough in my
manliness to say that he's a somewhat good looking guy.
But I didn't pleasure myself to his picture last night or anything, no sir! No, I was
looking at a picture of former WWE Girls' Champion Tritch Stratus! Yeah, yeah,
that's totally what I meant! And she was naked! COMPLETELY NAKED! And she was having sex in the picture! With me!
Uh… EVER!!!
Anyways, we're getting off topic. My point is that we now have photographic evidence of this
Wad in action. Now I was going to provide some sort of creative photo-shopping
gag (e.g. a pic of him in a wrestling ring against SHNITSKY!!!, or him in sexy…
I mean, Tritch in sexy underwear), but then I thought of a better, less creepy, idea.
What if YOU stupid marks were to send me creative photos of Pyrofalkon, using this hot photo
as a base? Be as rude, vile and disgusting as you want! I mean, what's PyroWad
gonna do - sue me? Maybe he'd sue YOU, but not me…
Send your entries into bulldog@onlineonslaught.com. Enter early and enter often. The winning photo will be featured in a future ITR, and you will be immortalized forever
for your artistic acumen.
What are "they all going to find out" on May 19th? That The Big Stupid Red Machine
Kain can't act!!!
The Oldline Onslut Completely Obscure Wrestling Reference
Of The Week is sent to us by loyal ITR reader 8.ardent@adgenix.fr, who writes:
"Last week, I was camping with my friends and one of the guys was bitten by a cobra and died. It reminded me of the time when
Jake The Snake Roberts did that to Macho
Man Randy Savage at This Tuesday In Texas. Only Savage ended up okay."
Looking for a hot new book to read? Check this one out! Ha - I fooled you, didn't I? You thought I was going to plug this book, but then I didn't. Totally faked you out. You should have seen the look on your face…
Rumor Killer: Is it true that E-C-Dub is really
coming back? NO!!!
As you all know by now unless you're dunb, World Wrestling Federtainment Incorporated Inc.
is just SEVEN DAYS away from its next paper-view spectacular, Judgmental Day.
What follows is an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED preview of what to expect. Oh, and to break up the monotony of doing this same
running gag 15 times a year make things a little more exciting, I've asked Smack! Down announcers Mitchell Coal and Tazzzzzzzz to lend their expertice esxpter
xpertyies advice:
Main Event Roy Mystereo
Junior vs. John "Breadshaw" Lagerfeld Undisputed Other World Title on the line
Coal: Roy Mystereo is clearly the underdog here, because he's really, really, really, really,
really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really small.
Tazzzzzzzz: It's like this, Coal. A lotta people think that JLB has this bad boy all wrapped
up, but it should be off the hook.
Main Event Bobby Lashleroux
vs. Bookie T King
At The Ring Semi-Finals
Coal: I like this matchup, because both competitors are black. And Roy Mystereo is really,
really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really small.
Tazzzzzzzz: No doubt about it, Coal. You're lookin' at an off the hook confrontation here
that'll separate the men from the boys, Cole.
The Classic Old-School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly
Like He Used To vs. The Great Kallie (w/ Duhvari) Casket Match Or Some Crap
Coal: No one's ever delivered a beating to The Ordertaker like this guy. Except for the one
he had a few months before this one. Or the one before that. Or the one before that. One thing's for sure, though, partner:
The Great Kallie isn't really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really,
really small.
Tazzzzzzzz: Lemme tell ya, Coal. I'm thinking that 'Taker won't be able to overcome the odds,
and he'll lay down for the new guy. Because I'm a tool.
Main Event Kur Tangle
vs. Sexual Mark Chocolate
Coal: This one could be the highlight of the night, because both men are former Olympians.
FYI -- Roy Mystereo? Really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really,
really small.
Tazzzzzzzz: I hear ya, Coal, but the bottom line is that Tangle's a former Olympic hero, while
Mark's just a fat piece of shit. Uh, I mean, he can beat any given competitor on any given night. Or maybe that was S.D. Jones…
Main Event M&M
vs. Bryan "Speedy" Kendricks and Some
Other Douche Imaginary Tag Team Title match
Coal: Look for the team of to come out on top.
Tazzzzzz: Now, let's see here, Coal. M&M have jobbed to Kendricks and Douche four times
in a row now. Which leads me to believe that we're going to have NEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS! This one should be off the fuckin'
hook!
Main Event Melita
vs. Jillian Mole Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaat-Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!
Coal: Will this be match of the night? BANK ON IT!!!
Tazzzzzzzzz: Thanks for the compliment!!!
Main Event Canadian
Crippler Chris Benwah vs. Fat Finley No build up needed. Or at least no build up given.
Coal: I don't think you understand what I'm saying here -- Roy Mystereo is really, really,
really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really small. REALLY SMALL!!!
Tazzzzzzzzzz: Straight up, word, fo shizzle, Coal! Talk to the hand, girlfriend!
Do you think it matters what you think about my predictions? Well… IT DOESN'T MATTER
WHAT YOU THINK!!! (The following Nostalgia Moment™ was brought you to be the refurbished Inside The Ropes website.)
And finally, here are five BRAND NEW ITR Trading Cards™. After we hit 100 cards last week, I realized that it was time for "Series Two". Note the multitude of differences in this latest series of cards:
Well, that about does it for this week. If you have questions, comments, or happen to have
any single friends you want to hook me up with, drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes. |