(A) Triple HHH.
(B) Bruno Santamartina.
(C) Carolina Hurricanes superstar Rod Brind'Amour
(D) All
of the above.
(E) Yes.
Be sure to vote for your choice at the official Inside The Ropes website (motto: "Now with 40 percent more pop-up viruses"). And here's how you all voted last time:
What will you be doing on May 19th?
(A) DON'T SAY THAT DATE!!! -- 15 %
(B) Buying Canadian Bulldog's book -- 25 %
(C) Seeing a movie --
17 %
(D) Seeing a movie that WON'T suck -- 23 %
(E) Yes -- 19 %
And now, on to the news…
I got just 25 words for ya: Now that Vince MacMahon has forced Triple HHH
to kiss his sexy bare ass, will The Criminal Assassin remain a heel forever? BANK ON IT!!!
I don't understand youngster Chavita Guerrera Junior. One minute, he's feuding with WWE Flyweight Champion
Roy Mystereo Junior and the next minute… he's Roy's MANAGER? Who died and gave him an official WWE manager's
license?
Look for Chavita to copy his cousin "Latin Heat" Eddie Guerrera by stealing Roy-Roy's Low-Riser!
And then he'll tell Roy that he's the REAL father of his son Dominick! And then he'll die while brushing his teeth!
And then someone else (probably The Mizzzzzzzz) will dedicate his career to Chavita! And it will be the best case of
life imitating art ever!
EVER!!!
One Kain? Two Kains? That's WAY too many Kains, in this young scribe's humble opinion.
Gimme Just One More Night: As you all know by now unless you're nazis, World Wrestling
Federtainment Incorporated Incorporated Inc. is just TWELVE DAYS away from the WWE Presents ECW Presents WWE's ECW's One
More Night Again For Old Times' Sake II paper-view spectacular. Here is an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED preview of what you stupid
marks can expect:
Main Event
Spinning World Title Match
John Ceno vs.
"Mr. Monday In The Bank" Rod-Van Damme
Wait, wait, wait -- RDV is in the main event? What the fuck is up with that? Expect Ceno to win handily
with either his Fuck You finisher, his Shut The Fuck Up submission move, or his Five Knuffle Snuffle.
Main Event
Undisputed Other World Title Match
Roy
Mystereo Junior vs. Saboo
Hey, guys: 1996 called -- they want their PWI Superstars Dream Match back! Of course, that was before Saboo
had to have fucking stitches surgically removed from his brain, and Roy had to surgically remove wins from his fucking record!
ECW vs WWE Dream Match
Mick Farley and "The Rated E For Everyone Superstar" ThEdge
vs. "Terrible" Terry Fuck and Johnny Dreamer
This all started when Farley opened up his Hard Core Belt out of its protective glass casing and tried
to sell it on eBuy, but then ThEdge tried to buy it and his PayPal declined. So they decided to split the belt instead! But
that angered Fuck, who said "Fuck! I'm Terry Fucking Fuck and you stupid fucks can't fucking do that!"
Thus, the match.
Main Event
Hometown Hero Challenge Match
Kur Tangle
vs. Randy Orton! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!!
Folks, this match is what Extreme Championship Fuckin' Wrestling is all about -- former Olympic medallists
and complete morons, well-established by another company before they ever set foot in an ECW ring. Commissioner Paul Herman
must be so fucking proud.
Main Event
When Overweight Announcers Collide!
Jerry
"The King" Lawyer vs. Tazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
This one has the makings of becoming the best fat fuck commentator versus other fat fuck commentator match
since Mean Gene Okerfeld battled Mike Madden during the final days of WCW.
Main Event
Impromptu Unannounced Match For No Apparent Reason
Danny Boring, Hamish Roadkill and "Japanese Hacksaw" Yoshihira Takajiri vs. Juventud Guerrero, Super Nutty and
Psychotic
Look for the team of to come out on top. Fuck.
Also confirmed by my independent sources to appear on the show: "New" Jack, Sand Man, Balls Maloney, Chris Candida and His Fat Wife, The Blow Meanie, "The Franchise"
Shawn Douglas, The Dudley Brotherz (but not those lame-ass ripoff ones currently in National Wrestling Alliance Tits &
Ass; the ORIGINALS), SHNITSKY!!!, Bryan The Pill Man, Bruno Santamartina, Andrew The French Giant and possibly C.W.
Andersen.
DVD this: WWE has recently released TONS of brand new DVD's, such as ones for Superstar
Barry Graham, the Monday Night Wars and WrestelMania X-7. But are they stopping there? NO WAY!!! Here are
five new collections that should be on shelves soon:
He's been called a "pioneer", a "visionary" and a "jobber" by industry watchers. Now relive the legendary
career of Hillbilly Jim in this new five-disc collection. Highlights include Hillbilly's start as a fan discovered
in the audience by Hulk Hogan; his subsequent losses on every single episode of Saturday Night's Main Event, WWE Superstars
of Wrestling, WWE Calvacade, WWE Prime Time Wrestling and WWE Maple Leaf Wrestling. All this plus hilarious backstage skits
involving porcupines, pigs and goats. Approx. running time: 90 minutes.
Mohammad Hassan -- a household name and icon in sports-entertainment. His intensity
was unparalleled. His controversial personality is equally unmatched. Learn about the man and the myth from the people who
witnessed his meteoric rise in a victory over Jerry "The King" Lawler at New Year's Revolution. Hear from the Superstars
who worked with the man. Did he burn out or drop out? Relive his feuds with Eugene, Shawn Michaels, The Undertaker
and more. 10-time WWE Champion Triple H calls Mohammad "the most unprofessional guy I've ever worked with, even though
I never did." WWE Chairman Vince McMahon recalls how Hassan "lived his character a little too much" and was
probably a real terrorist. And Eric Bischoff gets blamed for the whole thing. Approx. running time: 41 minutes.
Big Bubba Rogers. Diesel. Virgil. Mr. Hughes. Jesus. Chyna. None of these
people really deserve their own DVD. Yet combined, they have been around for a long time, protecting their charges, running
interference and, in many cases, taking an unnecessary beating after the bell. Highlights include Hughes getting schooled
by Ken Shamrock after a legit fight, Virgil being destroyed by Brutus The Barber Beefcake on an episode of WWE
Wrestling Challenge, and Jesus getting into a feud with a prominent wrestling writer. Approx. running time: 8 minutes.
George Hackenschmidt helped usher in a new era of sports- entertainment, thanks
to his plain black wrestling trunks, hour-long restholds and non-existent mic skills. His innovative style has been liberally
borrowed for the last 100 years by the likes of current WWE Legends Hulk Hogan, Jesse "The Body" Ventura, Triple H, Max
Moon and many more. Highlights include absolutely no video footage, as all of it was destroyed in a 1946 fire. Approx.
running time: 6 hours.
Born into Good friends with Mexico’s first family
of sports-entertainment, Rey Mysterio's career choice was only natural. In the ring, Rey was very unbeatable.
He was part of the most popular tag team wrestling in Mexico. Fans worldwide were captivated with his high-flying
style. Soon, he moved to Japan and experienced similar success. After returning to the United States, Rey's
friend Eddie faced a challenge he was not prepared for: addiction. Surviving a car accident that almost killed him, Rey's
friend Eddie felt he was bulletproof, resulting in reckless behavior that put his life, career and marriage in jeopardy. Then
it all fell apart. The true test of any man is how he handles adversity. In one of the most inspiring stories in the history
of sports-entertainment, Rey's friend Eddie Guerrero not only regained his life, he surpassed his wildest dreams. This is
his story. Well, his friend Rey's story. Sort of. Highlights include his match against Rey Mysterio Eddie
Guerrero. Approx. running time: 48 seconds.
Wow, those all sound FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC! Finally, I just wanted to update everyone on my "Pyrofalkon Is A
Wad" photo contest.
Now, I started this a few weeks back, in honor of former (and FIRED!!!) OO columnist Pyrofalkon. Apparently, His Royal Wadness has some "problems"
with those of us still on the web site (he's probably referring to Matt Horking and Adam Gesundheit) sullying
his "good" name, so I guess it wouldn't be cool for people to harass him via e-mail. I mean, what's the worst he can do to me? Complain again?
Anyhoo, the contest is still on -- and feel free to keep sending me your entries via bulldog@onlineonslaught.com -- but here are some exemplary ones I've seen in recent weeks:
This first one is from someone who calls himself F. Ron Hubbard:
Wow, Ron, thanks for the compliment!!! Now here's one from The Shockmaster:
Wow -- I've got to say that one wasn't… my… FAULT!!! And finally, here's something from some (sexy)
kid named C. Bulldog:
Hoo boy, you slay me, C. Bulldog. That's probably the best doctored photo ever!
EVER!!!
Well, that about does it for this week. Remember, if you have any questions, compliments or restraining orders,
drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes. | 
