Happy Days Are Here Again

NOTE TO WEBMASTER RICK SCHERER

Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). I was in the midst of writing this week's column on Saturday night when tragedy struck. Without giving all of the gory details, just know that it involves "injuries" and Sexual Mark Chocolate. Bottom line -- once again I won't have a column for you this week.

Still, I'm not going to go all "Erin Anderson" on you and leave you without anything to print. Do you remember how, whenever I get tied up on other business trips, libel litigation and the like, I whip out an old Retro ITR from days gone by? And do you remember how, last fall, I found a vintage column written by my old man, Canadian Bulldog Sr.?

Well, it turns out that I'm actually a THIRD-GENERATION wrestling columnist!!! That's right -- my grandfather was the originator of Inside The Ropes!!! Though, to be completely honest, it was less about wrestling those days and more a newsletter discussing his political views. Still -- Inside The Ropes…

So ladies and gentlemen, get ready to travel back to Depression-era America for this VERY early edition of Inside The Ropes. As for me, I'll try to be back next week, provided my little Mizzark makes it through surgery okay.

Peace, out!
B-Dawg

Originally published February 3, 1959
Inside The Ropes: The Bees' Knees, Stalin's Superiority and MORE~!!!

"All Hail King George VI! All Hail King George VI! All Hail King George VI! All Hail King George VI! All Hail King George VI! All Hail King George VI! All Hail King George VI! All Hail King George VI!"
-- William Royal Senior

Welcome, cats and chicks, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and SLIGHTLY RACIST edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Grandpa Bulldog. We've got more news than a greaser in brand new threads, so let's make the scene…

Hot Rod: Yessir, my brand new Chevy El Comino is boss. Sure, it cost me a lot of bread, but it can really burn rubber! Not sure what that has to do with wrestling; just thought I'd mention it.

I'll be the first to admit that Gorgeous Greg has all the tools to rise to the top of the game, what with his long, flowing locks

and perfume atomizer. BUT DOES HE HAVE TO BE SUCH A DAMNED PRISSY???

Can you imagine what would happen if other fellas started dressing like dames? America, and to a lesser extent, Canada, would be ruined! RUINED!!! I don't want a world like that for my grandson, or else he'll probably turn out to be one of them no-good evil gays!

(Note: The opinions expressed by Grandpa Bulldog are his own and don't necessarily reflect those of Online Onslaught.)

Speaking of "The Game", veteran grappler Single H continues to hold back young talent! And he gets away with it because he's really theson-in-law of Jess MacMahon! Still, I will give him full marks for having a well-groomed moustache, because it's the best handlebar ever!

EVER!!!

Does Coca Cola still have cocaine in it? Or did I miss that trend?

There is no finer wrestler these days than "The Big OO" Bob Orton! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!! Senior. Here's hoping he doesn't die any time soon.

What do you mean "too soon"? Too soon for what? It's 1959, REMEMBER?

(Note: The opinions expressed by Grandpa Bulldog are his own and don't necessarily reflect those of Online Onslaught.)

The latest ratings are in, and it looks as though wrestling on The Dumont Network captured a 3.4 share on Monday, losing the night to both Texaco Star Theater With Milton Berle and I Love Lucy. However, Old-Tyme Wresstleing From Missourah did quite well on the American Broadcasting Corporation Radio Network.

Be on the lookout for newcomer BooBoo Brazil and his Cocobutt OF DOOM whenever he wrestles at an armory near you. Does the young Brazilian have what it takes to single-handedly break the color barrier and become a top star in wrestling? BET ON IT!!!

This just in: Pyrofalkon is a Wet Rag!!!

You know what really razzes my berries? Foreign wrestlers! I mean, why the devil do they need to feature Russkies and Japs and Other No-Good Pinko Commies in OUR "sport of kings"? I think this Cold War we're having, right around this rough timeframe, should turn into a Hot War, so we can blow all those foreigners' brains out! I'm beggin ya, Ike, pull the damn trigger already! Don't let Sir Winston Burchill take all the credit for the destruction of non-Americans!!!

(Note: The opinions expressed by Grandpa Bulldog are his own and don't necessarily reflect those of Online Onslaught.)

Recently, I had the chance to sit down and speak over the telegraph to wrestling legend Johnny "The Hammer" Valentine. What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript, which may not be reprinted if you are, or if you know of, a communist:

GB: Is this Johnny Valentine? (STOP)

JV: Actually, this is John Wayne (STOP). But the telephone has been around for some time now (STOP). Why are you using this outdated piece of equipment? (STOP)

GB: Thanks for the accolades!!! (STOP) Question number one: What were you thinking when you injured Chico Santana with your patented figure-four legstop? (STOP)

JV: I'm afraid I have no idea what you're talking about, cowboy (STOP).

GB: Question number two: Is the whole business a work? (STOP) Or is it fake? (STOP)

JV: What's your problem, pilgrim? (STOP) I'm not the guy you're looking for. (STOP)

GB: Question number three: Why do you wear that shinguard thing? (STOP)

JV: Look, partner. (STOP) I don't have time for this nonsense. (STOP) I'm supposed to warn my friends Ritchie Valens, Buddy Holly and The Big Bopper about stepping on some plane today. (STOP) I only hope I'm not too late on account of your malarkey. (STOP)

GB: That's it. This telegram… IS OVER!!! (Stop)

JV: There are just some things a man can't run away from. (STOP)

(Note: The opinions expressed by Grandpa Bulldog are his own and … well, actually, those ones are pretty close to ours. Screw it.)

Finally, here are some collectable ITR trading cards that can currently be found in packages of Unfiltered Cigarettes:

Well, that about does it week for this week. If you're wondering why this is shorter than my… er, my grandson's columns, it's because this is the fifties, and everything is in short supply! Stupid marks!!!

And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes. Later, gators!