| a Lund", a/k/a taking my ball and going home, I've just two
words for ya… CHECK (MY WEBSITE POLL) OUT!
Wow, more than SEVEN FRICKING THOUSAND votes on this most important subject!!! I'm flattered; I truly am.
And now, onto the news…
An open letter to Chavito Guerrera,
Canadian Bulldog (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). I have watched
your entire family grow up in this business: Mondo, Hector, Eddie, Tito, Chavito Cola Classic,
et cetera. And you're easily my favorite of the bunch (that is still alive, and can speak English).
My question: what the FUCK were you thinking when you turned your back on your
best friend in the entire world Roy Mystereo Junior? Sure, he's been booked to look like an ass on Friday! Night! Smack!
Down this past year, but is that worth Turning Bad over? I don't think so!!!
Might I suggest that instead of letting your famous Latin Tempers boil
over, the two of you just sit down over a latté and some French crullers
and get to heart of the problem? It worked for Triple HHH and Sean McMichaels; surely it can work for you too.
Oh, and enough with the "retirement" angle, already. Everyone knows how those
always turn out to be phony in the end.
Peace, out,
B-Dawg
A big ITR "Mazel Tov" goes out to proud parents Triple HHH and Stephoney MacMahon-Taker-Test-Helmsley
on the birth of their baby daughter Aurora MacMahon-Helmsley Era. And a note to wrestling's only royal couple and their
new "Billion Dollar Princess": Even though he didn't get invited to the baby shower, my gift is in the mail.
Hardee Boyz Mystery: World Wrestling Federtainment Corporation Incorporation Limited
Corporation and Jeff Hardee have amicably agreed to part ways… to return to the ring! And Jeff had to tell NWA
T&A (National Tits & Ass) to take their $55 a month and shove it! And now The Abyss will have no one left
to fight every other month! And Jeff's new gimmick will be that he's mad at ThEdge and The Returning Leeta!
But not for the reason his brother hates them, but because he has a secret man-crush on "The Rated E For Everyone Superstar"!
Because he has teh gay! Only it won't go very far because Jeff will have an overdose on drugs in three weeks and die! And
no one will be able to tell for several weeks after that because he looks half-dead already anyways! And Mike Hardy Version
2.0 For Windows and Sharon More will continue to cart him to arenas in their rental car because they can't tell
the difference! And he'll probably STILL get a chance to go over Roy Mystereo Junior at one point! Because everyone
else on Smack! Down already has! And it will be the best comeback ever!
EVER!!!
Speaking of NWA T&A, I've heard that… heh, just kidding. I've heard nothing. Are these guys still
even around?
From the most popular man in the ring… to the most popular man on the silver screen? Numerous people are predicting that for young John Ceno, who is set to star in the upcoming WWE Films production The Maureen.
Not only are there early Oscar Rumblings, but some are saying that this could do for his film career what Ceno Evil
did for The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain! Does this film have Spinning Box Office Gold written all over it? BANK
ON IT!!!
E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub!
E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub!: As a public service to my
billions of readers, here are the next several ECW on Spike TV main events:
August 15: ECW Champion The Best Show vs. Sylvan Grenouille
August 22: "Mr. Monday In The Bank" Rod Van-Damme vs. Coach Man
August 29: Saboo and King Bookie vs. Vampire Guy and Michael Coal
September 5: (BACK TO SCHOOL EDITION) Sand Man vs. Visceria
September 12: Canadian Bulldog's Birthday (ECW Cancelled)
September 19: Three-Way Dance -- Johnny Dreamer vs. Paul Herman vs. Torrie Watson
September 26: "Dream Partners Tag Team Match" -- D-Generated X vs. The Spirit Squadron
Kogan Knows Best? I DON'T THINK SO!!!: The medical results are in, and former WWE
Hall of Famer Hollywood Hal Logan will be UNABLE to appear in his match at SuperSlam. Instead, Randy Orton!
ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!! will have to take on Kogan's Homely Daughter in a one-on-one, loser-must-have-sex match.
Serves "The Hulkstor" right for trying to walk at such an advanced age (42).
Other matches being "penciled in" for the paper-view include:
- D-Generated X
vs. Declan and Aurora Rose MacMahon
- ThEdge vs. John Ceno
(Special "Yup, Again" Match)
- Roy Mystereo Junior vs. Chavito
Guerrera Non-Classic (Winner gets right to rip off Eddie forever)
- The Old-School Ordertaker Who Looks
Exactly Like He Used To Vs. The Great Collie (cage made entirely out of drinking straws)
- Deacon Bautista vs. "Al
Hail" King Bookie (The first "worked shoot" in wrestling since Bulldog-Falkon '06)
- The Best Show vs. Steve
Romero ("Extreme Rules" Match)
If you're like me, wondering why the quality on Friday! Night! Smack! Down! has dropped in recent days
weeks months years always… well, WONDER NO LONGER!!! Recently, I had the chance to sit down and
talk over the telephone with District Manager T.D. Long. What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript:
CB: Hello, Teddy?
TL: Hi, I'm Teddy Ruxpin.
CB: Thanks for the compliment!!! Question number one: Why are so many superstars claiming they're "injured"
when we really know that's just code for "on lots of drugs"?
TL: You're my best friend in the whole wide world!
CB: Don't try to sweet-talk your way out of this, playa. Question number two: How come Palmer Carson
hasn't been on television for the past couple of weeks? Probably "network business", am I right?
TL: Would you like to hear a story?
CB: I've had just about enough of your "stories", mister! Question number three: Did you hire The Great
Collie under your "new talent initiative" because of his in-ring wizardry? Or because of his mad mic skillz?
TL: Turn over my cassette to hear side two of the story.
CB: Oh, no! I'm not buying any of yo' Haterade, playa - buhlee dat. Question number four…
TL: Turn over my cassette now.
CB: But what about the time you…
TL: NOW!
CB: But I just…
TL: NOW!!!
CB: Forget it! This interview… IS OVER!!! (Hangs up phone)
TL: Holla.
Is there anyone out there
you're dying for me to interview? Well, don't bother, because my phone service has been disconnected recently.
One last thing before I leave you this week. Those of you who peruse the OO message boards may have noticed
my good friend PyroFalkon complaining about my latest prank on him. Unless you believe the popular theory that I'M
really Pyro, in which case this is apparently me complaining about myself:
It's about fucking time I say something publicly about this...
Canadian
Bulldog, you've gone too far. The constant barrage of insults are bad enough, but you put in my e-mail address in one of your
shitty columns, and this time don't have the decency to TELL PEOPLE it's my address. I've gotten several e-mails already,
including one from some idiot named Gordus Maximus. Really... GORDUS MAXIMUS? Probably just you in disguise as usual.
I'm
making a request, here... Rick, you've got to do something. End Bulldog's relationship with this site. I'm tired of working
hard on things like the stat recaps and PPV precaps just to be shit on weekly by a hack.
Anyone who agrees with me,
reply to this thread and support me. Maybe with enough of us talking, Rick will listen to reason. Call it a retirement, call
it a firing, whatever. I don't want to see his name connected to this site from this day forward.
And Rick, edit those
links to get rid of my e-mail address.
So… instead of pretending this comment didn't exist (much like does with the rest of the IWC), our own
Webmaster Rick Scherer actually e-mailed me with the following request:
Hey, Bulldog (don't pretend like you don't know that's one of my favorite Beatles songs!) --
I'm not sure what the deal is with you and PyroFalkon, but I'm guessing this is one of those deals where,
if you quit harping on it, the whole stupid thing would just go away.
And even if it doesn't? Well, maybe you want to score the points for being the bigger man and taking the
high road.... I'm not sure who you're trying to impress by picking on a less-popular columnist, but I can't imagine there
being any good reason for you to continue fanning these flames. So do me a favor and maybe think about just dropping it.
Thanks....
Rick
Let me address both of these remarks:
Pyro, you cowardly Wad -- don't forget that YOU started this "feud" way back when. Not me. You don't really
think you can win, do you? You haven't heard the last of me, just because you "told on me", you little fucking pussy.
And while I'm at it: gee, I sure hope no one signs this guy up for spam of a questionable nature (such as "R#al dizc0untz on ci@li$ and Vi@gr%").
Oh, and Rick -- thanks for backing me up on this, man. Really appreciate it.
No offense, but I think we all know how valuable I am to OO. I've already been recruited by one other site, while several others have sent out feelers over the years. We both know I could find work elsewhere in an instant.
People are calling for your head all the time for your constant whining about WWE, NWA T&A, local sports teams, etc. Yet the one time I even talk
about quitting my writing, people FLOCK to my defense (well, all except the Tulane Law Boyz, but whatevs). They love me; they really love me.
Does Oldline Onslut need Canadian Bulldog a hell of a lot more than Canadian Bulldog needs Oldline Onslut?
BANK ON IT!!! And remember, if you heard
it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes. | 
