Who should end Umagla's undefeated streak?
(A) Vince MacMahon (B)
Some Jobber (C) Eddie (D) SHNITSKY!!! (E)
Yes
Be sure to vote for your choice at the official Inside The Ropes website (motto: "Finally updated after, like, six months.") And here's how you all voted
back when I was (heh) working you stupid marks:
Should Bulldog Retire ITR?
(A) Yes - 81 % (B)
No - 17 % (C)
Don't Ask Me; I'm Just A Girl - 0 % (D) She Suuuuuuure Is - 0 %
And now, onto the news…
Rapid Wolverine Returning?: Canadian Crippler Chris Benwah has just about recovered from his steroid abuse injury earlier this year! And he's
going to return to his roots, namely Friday! Night! Smack! Down! And even his
"Benwah is returning" vignette will be given ***** by The Wrestling Observant Newsletter!
And announcer John Breadshaw Lagerfeld will say "I'm never even heard of that
guy, dagnabbit!" even though he was his best man at his wedding! And in his first televised match back, he'll lose to Native
Indian-American Tatatatatatanka! And then the Hollywood Writer Monkeys™ will come up with a gimmick for him where he's Asthmatic! So then Dean Simon and The Jimini will steal his asthma puffer! And it will be the least satisfying return to wrestling ever!
EVER!!!
Memo to Fat Finley: Do you think, just by beating
the living crap out of Deacon Bautista with your nightstick and carrying Little Midget around with you everywhere, that makes you some kind of a tough guy?
And if so, do you think you can teach me how to
be a tough guy? My old man gave up on my years ago, and I flunked karate back in the early 90's…
Former Little Heavyweight Champion Ex-Pack (Sean Whitman) made a "surprise" (which means FAKE!!!) appearance last week at a
house show in Tampa, supporting his storyline friends in D-Generated X, as well
as Area Resident Jeb Tennyson Lund. Does this mean he's definitely for sure headed
back to WWE forever, or was he just there to score some free cocaine? BANK ON IT!!!
Who Betta Than Canyon?: Former WWE superstar Chris Canyon recently tried to get publicity AGAIN by telling the world he's gay. Then after he showed up at the
SAME house show as Ex-Pac and tried to get some attention, he ranted about it on myspace.
But I wonder, maybe it would help the guy to just be more truthful. So I've rewritten part
of his blog, substituting every time he casually mentions his sexual preference with the real reason why Vince MacMahon doesn't want him anymore:
Now, as recently as a few weeks ago, my goal was
to return to the WWE, I guess in some ways not wanting to believe that I was really fired because I suck. But I was curious. Several attempts to contact and talk to
the WWE about a possible return went unanswered. And in trying to find out about
the potential for a return, I found out from people within the WWE that my suspicions about being fired because I suck, according
to them, were correct.
One person high up on the corporate side confirmed that Vince knew that I sucked
and that was at least part of the reason that I was released. This person told
me that Vince has said in the past, "it is my company, and I can hire and fire whoever I want for whatever reason I want." And, although morally I do not agree with that statement, in some ways I see his point
and in some ways I agree with him… if it was a private company. But the
WWE is a public company, and Vince's top priority should be turning a profit for his stockholders. He should not allow any of his personal animosity or prejudices towards any groups or individuals affect
decisions that may affect potential profit for his stockholders. But that is
just my opinion.
I also heard from a high profile wrestler who was in both the WWE and WCW who said
that he was aware of an agent who had also known that I sucked (it was not a well kept secret within the industry for many
years), and that this agent would often talk of me sucking and he would refer to me in some circles as "that shi**y wrestler,"
and "that loser." This agent was often responsible for my matches (the agent
is often the liaison between the wrestlers and Vince McMahon), and on several occasions, I know that he lied to Vince about
things that I had said and did. I do believe that may have also been a factor
in my being fired, but again, you can form your own opinions.
Some late-breaking news from NWA T&A (National Wrestling Tits & Ass). It seems that… heh, just kidding.
Bizarre: As you all know unless you're stupid, we are just THIRTY-FIVE days away from
WWE's next paper-view spectacular, Unforgiving. Now, because it is taking place
in my home town of Toronto (motto: "Best Wrestling City Ever! EVER!!!"), I feel
I am an expert on exactly what will go down. Here is an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED preview:
Main Event Tables, Ladders, Chairs, Desks,
Lamps, Two Nightstands and One Broken Sofa-bed Match Jon "The Marina" Cena vs. ThEdge
The natural inclination for Toronto fans would be
to "boo" Cena because he's, well, lame, and cheer ThEdge because he's a hometown boy, and also because he stole my catchphrase
more than a year ago.
But because Toronto is "Bizarro World", we'll start
cheering Cena! Even when he makes lame raps like this:
Yo, yo, yo…
I'm here in
The T Dot, the home of Da Leafs, ThEdge is teh gay, 'cause he doesn't wear briefs! And because he's from Canada, ThEdge
likes free trade, Even though he's teh gay and he never gets laid!
Except by
Leeta, of course.
World Life!
So then we'll start booing ThEdge, and he'll shout "This is bogus! You people here in Toronto
suck! BANK ON IT!!!". And because of that, we'll start cheering him. So then he'll smile and say "Well, at least Toronto fans
recognize good talent" so then we'll boo him again.
Main Event Hell In The Cage D-Generated X
(Triple HHH, Sean McMichaels) vs. The Corporate Ministry (Vince MacMahon, Shane O' Max and The Best Show)
For days now, those crazy kids have been causing all kinds of headaches for Vinnie Max, calling him a jerk, insulting his sexiness and playing pranks on world dignitaries.
Now it's time for the family MacMahon to shine. Watch for Best Show to dive off the top of
the cage backwards in a spectacular stunt, but because it's happening in Toronto, we're going to boo him for it.
International Title Jeff Hardee's vs. Johnny Night Ro (with Melita)
Ever since WWE brought The Christmas Engima back,
fans have been asking one question: "Why?".
Nonetheless, look for this one to be a "Wellness Program Rejects Special" because Hardee's
was fired for doing drugs, and Night Ro was suspended for the same thing a while ago (or maybe it was his partner. Who knows?
Either way, the Toronto fans will boo both of them out of the building).
Main Event Girls Title Match The Returning
Leeta vs. The Retiring Tritch Stratus
Look for Tritch to win the strap here in her final match, because that's what WWE always does
for wrestlers on their way out, and then she'll thank all of her fans for supporting her all this time (especially those of
us originally from Southern York Region - wink, wink), so that the Toronto fans can start booing her and supporting Leeta
instead. But because Leeta and ThEdge are real-life boyfriend and girlfriend, the Toronto fans will crap on it because they
hate romance!
Main Event Charlita Caribbean Cruel vs. Randy Orton! ORTON!! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!!
Because we in Toronto are a diverse and multi-cultural city that accepts all types of races,
religions and other stereotypes, look for us to boo everyone involved here.
Main Event Crap-Ass Tag Titles On The Line The
Highwhackers vs. The Spirit Squadron
Look for the team of to come out on top. But because it's in Toronto, they won't!!!
Main Event The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain vs. Umagla (with Armando Jose Estrada Allejandro Essa Rios)
According to top-secret, members-only
booking plans, movie star Kain was supposed to end The Samodian Bulldozerdog's lifelong undefeated
streak. But because it's in Toronto, he'll probably get pinned by Umagla's vicious Thumb
To The Neck finisher. But then a second referee will run to the ring and tell the first referee that it's Toronto, and
the only characters that get over are cheesy nostalgia acts. So then Kain will revert to his previous gimmick (Doctor Isaac Yanks 'Em) and Umagla will revert to his previous gimmick
(Poppa Shango) and the fans will go crazy!!!
Does
"interview" count as one of the Three I's?:
It recently came to light (thank YOU, WWE Mobile Alerts!) that former Olympic hero
Kur Tangle has had to amicably part ways with World Wrestling Federtainment Corp.
Inc. Ltd. Plc. Since then, his true wrestling story has been widely debated. Recently, I sat down and talked over the telephone to the former 5-time, 5-time, 5-time, 5-time
WCW Champion:
CB: Is this Kur Tangle?
KT: Actually, this is former professional
skating superstar Kurt Browning…
CB: Wow, what an obscure reference.
Question number one: why did you hang up the boots?
KT: We call them skates, but the reason
I retired was because I felt I'd done it all, really.
CB: You never won the E-C-Dub title.
KT: Um… I suppose that's true.
Anyways, are you sure you don't have me mixed up with someone else?
CB: Thanks for the compliment!!! Question number two: What are you going to do now that Vince MacMahon has fired your drug-riddled ass?
KT: But I never… he never…
um, well, I did "Skating With Celebrities" recently...
CB: I thought that was Chuck Jericho.
KT: I am so confused…
CB: "Confused" because of the drugs your ass riddled? Or "confused" as in "Chris Canyon"?
KT: The guy who sucks?
CB: Hey, that was MY joke! Question number five: did you REALLY win your Olympic gold medal
with a "broken freaking neck"? Or were you just working people, like PyroFalkon
and I did?
KT: First, I think you skipped a few questions there and second, I didn't win the gold medal.
However, I was in three Olympics, according to Wikipedia…
CB: Oh, so you're changing your story now? I thought you had "integrity"! I thought you had
"intelligence!" I thought you had, uh, something else that started with I! That's it! This interview… IS… OVER!!!
(hangs up)
KT: Wait, the whole PyroFalkon thing was just a work?
CB: It's true! It's damn true!
KT: I thought you already hung up the phone.
CB: Piss off.
If you have anyone that you're DYING for me to interview, drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com.
That about does it for this week. I am STILL working on the next series of collectable ITR
Trading Cards (no thanks to those bastards at Yahoo Photos) so they should be ready soon. And remember, if you heard it here
first, it's… Inside The Ropes. |