Which are film critics saying about Jon Cena in The Marina?
(A)
"Sucktacular!"
(B) "StraighttoDVDriffic."
(C) "Whatthefucktertaining."
(D)
"SHNITSKY!!!"
(E) Yes.
Be sure to register your vote at the official Inside The Ropes website (Motto: "May contain traces of peanuts."). And here's how you stupid marks voted last time:
Which 90's star should WWE bring back next?
(A)
Zak Gowan - 3 %
(B) T.L. Crapper - 6 %
(C) SHNITSKY!!!
- 6 %
(D)
Flyin' Bryan The Pill Man - 45 %
(E) Yes. - 39 %
And now, onto the news…
Next week, World Wrestling Federtainment Inc. Corp. Ltd. will present its third semi-annual Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw Hardcore Homecoming II. The four-hour primetime special will feature superstars
including, but not limited to:
- ECW Champion The Best Show
- Chavita
Guerrera (w/ Vickie Sue Guerrera)
- Triple
HHH
- The
Bad Boss Man
- "Heartburn
Kid" Sean McMichaels
- SHNITSKY!!!
- Kur
Tangle
- Assorted
Others
Watch for all three brands to start fighting over which one sucks the most, as judged by 1wrestling.com! And they'll probably have a food fight or something similarly amusing! And you just KNOW that pie will end up in the face
of ThEdge! And he'll complain how it’s a big conspiracy that everyone is
trying to pieface him! And then D-Generated X will throw Queen Charlene into the ass of King Bookie! But it turns out she's
into freaky stuff like that! And so is Randy Orton! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!!
And, to a lesser extent, Saboo! And then Stripper
Kelly will strip down her clothes (NAKED!) and reveal that she's really See 'Em
Punk in drag! And then Hollywood Hal Kogan will enter the ring with his Jailbait Daughter to announce that they're resurrecting a FOURTH brand in WWE --
the return of the XWF (No Primadonnas Allowed)!
Only most of their big stars are dead! And it will be the reunion show ever!
EVER!!!
What the HELL has gotten into Benjamin Shelton lately? One minute,
he's a happy-go-lucky International Champion and Mama's Boy, and now… HE'S A RACIST?!? Maybe you best steer clear of
sexy Coach Man with your hate-filled comments, lest he fire yo' ass and then you
ain't won't have a job… NOWWWWW!
Speaking of fired: Say goodbye to Justin Incredible, who was shitcanned
this week because he used to be a member of Ex-Factor, and Cid Cash, who was booted because he looked too much
like Oren Heart. Could The Hardy Brotherz, Deacon Bautista and Shane MacMahon be far behind on
the unemployment line? BANK ON IT!!!
Last week, I regret to report that I erroin eron ereonusly wrongly reported that Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld was leaving World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. Inc. LLC. Folks, I was simply incorrect.
While I'm at it, I'd like to mention a few other errors I may have made over the years…
As you all know unless you're idiots, we are just three weeks away from Friday! Night! Smack! Down's next
shitty PPV Have Mercy. Here is an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED preview of what to expect:
Main Event
King's Crown On The Line
King Bookie vs. Bobby Lashleroux
All hail King Bookie! All hail King Bookie! All hail King Bookie! All hail King Bookie! All hail King Bookie!
All hail King Bookie! All hail King Bookie! All hail King Bookie! All hail King Bookie! All hail King Bookie! All hail King
Bookie! All hail King Bookie!
I expect Lashleroux to win here.
Main Event
Filler
Deacon Bautista vs. Fat Finley (with L'il Bastard)
Every once in a great while, a match comes along that exceeds our expectations. A match that challenges both
competitors and pushes their limits, showing that they have something to prove. A match that… aw, fuck it. This isn't
one of those matches.
Main Event
U.S.A. Title On The Line
The Old-School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly
Like He Used To vs. Kevin Kennedy (KEN-NE-DY!)
For weeks now, Mr. Kennedy (KEN-NE-DY!) has been bragging that, unlike the other 45,000 superstars who thought
they had the secret to beat Ordertaker, he has the secret to finally topple The Death Man for good. And when Taker gets into the ring, Kennedy (KEN-NE-DY!) will
shoot him through the heart and Taker will die. Only it won't be one of those "gimmicked" guns you can buy at Wall-Mart, it will be the real thing.
And, uh, then he'll die.
Main Event
Crappy Tag Team Title Match
Brian "Speedy" Kendricks and Paul England
vs. That Guy Who Looks Kind of Like Bobby Eaton and The Other Guy
Look for the team of to come out on top.
Main Event
Little Heavyweight Title Match
Mike Hardy Version 2.0 For Workstations
vs. Gregory Helmsley
These two used to be the best of friends, then Gregory slept with Mike's girlfriend. Or something. Look, this
is the opening match on a Smack! Down! paper-view. WHO GIVES A CRAP?!?!
Main Event
The debut of V.I.P.
For months now, we've sat on the edge of our seats (FYI - VERY uncomfortable doing that for more than a week
at any given time), wondering whether Montreal Vivacious Porterhouse would sign
with Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw, Friday! Night! Smack! Down, ECW or, perhaps, something in Japan.
Now, we don't have to sit on the edge any longer (and a good thing, because my ass is KILLING ME) because
VIP will FINALLY make his debut! And probably lose to Tatatatatatanka or some shit.
I'm Ba-ack! And betta than ever! (EVER!!!): As you all know, Eric Bischov, the former district manager of Eric Bischov's Monday Right Raw, returned to the big time to discuss
his new book, Cash Causes Compensation.
Fortunately, I was able to snag an "advance" copy of the manuscript that Bischov just received from WWE Publishing
Corp. Here are some excerpts to whet your appetite:
...
Putting Nash and Hall together was a masterstroke. Here you had two recognizable names from the World Wrestling
Federation and, at first blush, it appeared as though they were still working for an
okay move, but it was nothing compared to the true genius of Vince. When we added Hogan to the mix, it was truly an
impressive combination. I knew that Mr. McMahon was eventually going to kick our
ass in the ratings, just like he did against the federal government.
...
We rounded up a lot of great talent from Mexico, Japan and elsewhere wrestlers WWE didn't want anyways because they sucked. I honestly think that was one of the reasons we kept
beating we cheated to occasionally top Raw in the ratings.
...
Don't get me wrong. I have nothing but respect for Ric Flair in the ring -- hell, I used to watch his matches
against Dusty Rhodes at the Omni Jimmy Superfly Snuka against Don Muraco, which
is available all this month on WWE 24/7 -- but he I often rubbed
people the wrong way. When he no-showed that taping of Thunder to watch his son's wrestling tournament, I knew I had to
take swift action So I suspended Flair for no good reason. P.S. His friend Triple
H rules!.
...
It was tough at times I was never really
good at competing against Vince, but I think I became a formidable competitor over time because all I knew how to do was spend Ted Turner's billions. And it goes without saying that without the competition
from WCW, Vince's product has become stale, because the man is clearly a fighter I
am a big dick. Oops, did I say Vince earlier? I meant to say Mr. McMahon.
...
Russo was a real asshole to work with.
...
When Vince decided Mr. McMahon was gracious enough to bring
me into WWE, I was more than a little skeptical. What did he want from me? How long was he planning on humiliating me for?
Was he going to twist my words? I just didn't know couldn't believe my luck! That
said, I had fun in my role on Raw thank my lucky stars every day that Mr. McMahon
allowed me to work for his company.
...
After I was taken off television FIRRRRRRRRRRRREDDDDDDDD
by WWE, I took my wife Loree Stupid and the kids, and we went on a long
vacation. You know, my quality of life is tremendous right now, and I have very little to complain about I have a retard for a nephew. Ahahahahaha! I am so lame.
Finally, here are some more collectable ITR Trading Cards for your friends and enemies to enjoy:
That about does it for this week. If you have any questions, comments or wicked propositions for me, drop
me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes. | 
