soon enough)? Click here for the first installment in 2004, and here for last year's contribution.
And now, this year's edition - seven soon-to-be holiday favorites. So gather a batch of your favorite carolers,
crack open a can of Whoop Nog, and enjoy:
Christmas Carols, If They Were Written About Modern-Day Wrestlers, And Sometimes
Didn't Exactly Rhyme™, Part Three
(Sung to the tune of "Good King Wenceslas")
Good King Booker T looked out On the set of Smack-Down He wants
all to hail him With his scepter, and crown
Tells Big Dave to worship him, Much the same with Lash-ley At
this rate, all he will get, Are The Miz and Ash-ley
"Hither, Regal, stand by me Can you dig it, sucka? Tell
Finlay to do the same, and His Bastard motherfucka."
"Sire, while I hail you, I've grown tired of this gim-mick, I'd
rather go on pay-per-view, And let the fans see my-dick."
"Bring me good opponents, and our pay-per-views, they
will sell. Peasants want to see their King And possibly, Queen Shar-mell."
(Sung to the tune of "Deck The Halls")
Deck the halls with Balls
Mahoney Fa-la-la-la-la, la-E-C-Dub This "new breed" crap's all so phony Fa-la-la-la-la, la-E-C-Dub
I want wrestling that is hardcore Fa-la-la, la-la-la,
la-E-C-Dub And by that, I don't mean Shannon Moore Fa-la-la-la-la, la-E-C-Dub.
See the show that made Paul E. cry Fa-la-la-la-la, la-E-C-Dub Maybe they'll cancel it from Sci-Fi Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-E-C-Dub
Hardcore Holly ain't extreme Fa-la-la-la-la, la-E-C-Dub He just makes me want to scream Fa-la-la-la-la, la-E-C-Dub.
Yes, there's Sabu and R-V-D Fa-la-la-la-la, la-E-C-Dub But what's the deal with Rene Dupree? Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-E-C-Dub
Get The Dudleys, or what about Raven? Fa-la-la-la-la, la-E-C-Dub Next, we'll hear that you've signed Maven Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-E-C-Dub.
(Sung to the tune of "It's beginning
to look a lot like Christmas")
It's beginning to look a lot like Thunder In the Impact Zone; Their big stars are more or less, Guys who used
to be TBS With a roster that makes me groan.
It's beginning to look a lot like Thunder, With Sting and Steiner, too, But the scariest sight, I'd say Is
watching good ol' Double J Heading up the crew.
They call it TNA, yet the announcer is Mike Tenay All that's missing are Tony and The Brain It's not Great American
Bash, so why the hell is Kevin Nash, In a big role each show - are they insane?
It's beginning to look a lot like Thunder Ev'rywhere you go; All they need to do, is hire Ernest Miller, too All
they've ripped off the whole damn show.
(Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")
Let's get ready, to suck it! You don't care? I say "fuck it" We'll
do what we want, Like it or not Livin' in a D-X Wonderland.
Gone away, is The King of Kings Here to stay, is some guy who brings Jokes
rejected by, The writers of "American Pie" Livin' in a D-X Wonderland.
In the arena, we can find some fat guy, Book him like the second
coming of Brock. He'll ask for a push, and we'll say "No, man" This is for a joke about Vince liking cock.
Later on, we'll conspire, We'll tell Vince, the marks are liars, We're
sticking around, "Are you ready?" "Break it down!" Livin' in a D-X Wonderland.
Livin' in a D-X Wonderland. Livin' in a D-X Wonderland.
(Sung to the tune of "Do You Hear What I Hear?")
Said the champion to all of the fans, "You can't see what I see In
your seats where you're all hating me, You can't see what I see A star, a star, trying to get pushed But all you
people want to do is jeer, All you people want to do is jeer.
Said the champion to a bunch of stupid marks, "You
can't see what I see Trying to sound cool, joking about poop and pee, You can't see what I see A champ, a champ,
hoping to get props, Is it too much to ask for a cheer? Is it too much to ask for a cheer?"
Said the champion
to the King of Kings, "You can't see what I see Now you'll never, again agree to job to me, You can't see what I
see, The Game-uh, will-uh, probably beat me-uh Even though the champ is still hee-yah, Even though the champ is still
hee-yah."
Said the champion to Vince McMahon, "You can't see what I see, These fans, they fucking hate me, You
can't see what I see, I know your plans, but I really must appeal. You guys SO need to make me a heel, You guys SO
need to make me a heel."
(Sung to the tune of "Jingle Bell Rock")
Where is the, where is the, where is The Rock? He has been out, for three or four years Asking your name, then
he makes you ashamed That kind of crap always gets some cheers.
Where is the, where is the, where is The Rock? I thought for sure, he'd be back by now Criss-crossin' the ring,
and then droppin' the elbow, And then raisin' his brow.
What a bright time, it's the right time For The Great One to return to the ring It's a swell time, for "If Ya
Smell…" time All we need is the "it" for him to "just bring".
Giddy-up, Brahma Bull, where have you gone? What do you mean, "Hollywood"? Not to make gloom, but I saw you in
"Doom", I think it's time for the, The re-turn of the, People's Champion… The Rock!
(Sung to tune of "So This Is Christmas")
So this is the Rumble and who's gonna win? I know one thing for sure, it won't be Jerry
Lynn.
And so this is the Rumble who'll win it this year? It could be the biggest match, in a young wrestler's career.
Will it be Trevor Murdoch? Or perhaps M.V.P.? They have about as good a chance At winning as me.
And so this is the Rumble (Raw is War...) for weak and for strong (...and I guess SmackDown!, too) Though they'll
all be tossed out, After Undertaker's "bong!"
Oh, ya know he's gonna win it Instead of, say, C.M. Punk I'd
rather Triple H won it all Or, hell, Terry Funk.
A very merry Rumble and a happy new year lets hope it's a good one though with Taker, I fear…
Any comments? Suggestions?
Other yuletide classics? Well maybe it would have been good to point that out BEFORE I wrote this column, jackass!
And remember, if you heard
it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.
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