Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and RETROSPECTIVE-FILLED
look at 2006. The first six months of the year will be presented this week, followed by the next six months next week (or
whenever I feel like it).
Oh, and I should point out that guest artist Bulldog Junior (age 6) is filling in for his father, while
Canadian Bulldog is on vacation:
And now, on with the Year That Was:
JANUARY
Roy Mystereo Junior realizes his childhood dream of exploiting the death of the late, great "Latin Heat" Eddie Guerrera.
WWE introduces The Spirit Squadron
(Mikey! Nicky! Johnny! Kenny! Jeffy! Billy! Dolly! Ida Know! Not Me!), a stable that will go on to headline Raw shows for
most of 2006.
No, seriously.
ThEdge cashes in his "BANK
ON IT!!!" title opportunity to defeat WWE Champion Jon Cena at the New Year's Resolution PPV. For some reason, the
crowd boos Cena, cheers Chris Masterpiece and then boos ThEdge. We can only conclude from this that fans are total
idiots.
Manager Melita, wanting to
get noticed by Deacon Bautista, pulls the old "you raped me" scam. Sure, when she does it, it's "cute", but
when I try it, suddenly I'm "the bad guy". Oh, and "The Aminal" may have lost his belt or something; I forget.
Former Olympic Hero Kur Tangle,
who was never given his just due by World Wrestling Entertainment, appears on Friday! Night! Smack! Down! and immediately
wins their version of the "world" title.
Sheldon Benjamin, wanting to
prove that he should be taken seriously as a competitor, brings out his momma (played by television's Nell Carter)
to make sure he gets a fair shake.
Not much happened in NWA T&A (National
Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass). Sure, Stink made his return to the promotion about a month after his boots, trenchcoat
and baseball bat did, but nothing BIG happened.
Not much happened in NWA T&A (National
Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass). Well, except for Double Jeff Jarrod losing the NWA strap and leaving wrestling
forever (~NOT!), but nothing BIG happened.
Randy Orton! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!!
marks the legacy of the late, great "Latin Heat" Eddie Guerrera by insinuatingensinuatinginsenyouating
saying that Eddie is in hell. On the bright side, it's not as though Randy was really headed to heaven in the first place…
Speaking of Orton, his Hall of Fame
father, Father! FATHER! BAH GAWD, FATHER!!! agrees to amicably part ways with WWE after spilling his AIDS-infected
blood all over The Heartbreakeners (Romeo and Michelle), who head over to WWE.com and announce that The Cocks
(Dick and Penis) are being fired.
Mickey Jane cemented her reputation
as a stalker and lunatic when she announced that she wanted to sleep with WWE Girls' Champion Tritch Stratus. Coincidentally,
I also cemented my reputation as a stalker and lunatic when I (CENSORED BY OO'S LEGAL DEPARTMENT).
Friday! Night! Smack! Down! District
Manager T.D. Long realizes the one ingredient that's been missing from his show: Mexican midgets!
World Champion Kur Tangle,
who was constantly screwed by WWE, scores a clean pinfall victory over The Classic Old-School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly
Like He Used To in the main event of Norway Out.
"The Heartburn Kid" Sean McMichaels becomes the newest member of the "Mr. MacMahon Kiss My Ass Club", joining such luminaries as William Royal,
Jim Roth and Mick Farley (though his induction may have come later on in the year; don't remember). He only
agreed to the task after being knocked out from drinking poisoned water (or even worse – Dasani. Ewwwww).
After a 30-year absence, Saturday
Night Live's Main Event returns to network television, ruining yet another classic memory for long time wrestling fans. I'm
sorry, but a Stoned Cold Steve Austen-JLB beer-drinking segment is no substitute for a good Leaping Lenny Poffo-Weedwhackers
sausage-stuffing segment.
Former somethingorother Brent "Hatman"
Hurt agrees to appear on WWE television as part of the Hall of Fame ceremony. In other news, hell freezes over.
Kur Tangle, who never got a
fair shake from those bastards at WWE, is positioned to headline WrestelMania.
Roy Mystereo Junior honors
the legacy of the late, great "Latin Heat" Eddie Guerrera by getting thrown into said WrestelMania main event as a
result of pity by Friday! Night! Smack! Down district manager T.D. Long.
Not much happened in NWA T&A (National
Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass). Unless you count Samoa Jones losing an "Ultimate XXX" match but still somehow remains
"undefeated", but nothing BIG happened.
ITR of the month: Eight Is Enough(come on, the "Being Mr. Fuji" prank alone was worth the price of admission). Non-ITR of the month: The Monday Night Wars.
APRIL
WrestleMania XXX2 (BIG TIME!!!) ends
with the unstoppable Jon Cena and the quite-stoppable Roy Mystereo Junior as champions. Still, the absolute
highlight of the show is when Millionaire Man Teddy Beassey challenges Mean Eugene to a basketball-dribbling
contest backstage.
Well, for me, anyways.
Kur Tangle, who apparently
is detested by the higher-ups at WWE, loses his title at 'Mania without having to take the pinfall.
Although you knew this was going to
happen eventually, it still comes as a shock when Vince MacMahon and son Shane O' Max refuse to job to God
on pay-per-view. Happy Easter, everyone!
Chavita Guerrera Junior memorializes
the late, great "Latin Heat" Eddie Guerrera by losing a match against Sheldon Benjamin that he'd dedicated to
his uncle.
Chavita, that is; not Sheldon.
Inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame
ceremony this year: Mean Jean Okerfeld, Tony "Sir U.S.A" Atlas, Sexsational Sherry, The Jackblacks and William
"The Freezer" Parry as well as Several Others Who I Can't Remember Right Now. Expected next year: Killer Ken
Rasnick, "Iron" Mike Sharp, The Conquistadores, Allendra Blaze and Mongoose McMichaels.
Debuting in WWE this month are a massive,
muscular giant and a fat, stereotypical Samoan. Guess which one got over.
Nothing much happened in NWA T&A
(National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass). Sure, they held an entire paper-view event featuring cage matches, but... wait,
nothing big really did happen this time.
The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain makes his feature film debut, and celebrates his newfound success by pretending to tear out the eye of former tag
team partner The Best Show. Just like Tom Hancks always does.
Joe E. Styles cuts a shoot
promo on Good Ol' Jim Roth, Jerry "The King" Lawyer and That Bastard Johnny Ace before QUITTING World
Wrestling Federtainment Corporation Inc. Ltd. forever. GOOD RIDDANCE!!!
Kur Tangle, who has never been
rewarded for his talent in WWE, is selected, along with Rod Van-Damme, as the top draft picks for New ECW.
Bookie T defeats Bobby Lashleroux
in the finals of the King O' The Ring, becoming the first person since King Mabelle(known to newer fans as Visceria) to use the tired "royalty" gimmick to get over.
John Breadshaw Lagerfeld honors
the late, great "Latin Heat" Eddie Guerrera by making his good friend Roy Mystereo Junior look like a chump
on a weekly basis.
Fat Finley, wanting to prove
that he should be taken seriously as a competitor, hires a leprechaun (played by Mini-Me) to make sure he gets a fair
shake.
Nothing much happened in NWA T&A
(National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass). True, Big Sex Killer Kevin Nash entered the XXX Division, and Stink
teamed up with Samoa Jones, but nothing BIG happened.
The "WWE Presents ECW Presents WWE's
ECW's One More Night" paper-view features Randy Orton! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!!, Jerry "The King" Lawyer, Jon Cena,
Kur Tangle, The Best Show, Roy Mystereo Junior and others. But thankfully, the re-launch of "New ECW" (as some
call it) is all about the old-school, baby! Oh, and also the debuts of a vampire, a zombie, a fat male stripper and some guy
known as "Macho Libre".
No, seriously.
Canadian Earthquake (real name:
John Tenuta) dies at the age of Something. We're sure he's in a better place now, jumping up and down in place
on clouds and performing sit-down splashes to heaven's many jobbers. WWE marks his passing by, uh, tarnishing the legacy of
the late, great "Latin Heat" Eddie Guerrera.
"Heartburn Kid" Sean McMichaels
and "The King of Queens" Triple HHH re-form their D-Generated X stable and have got just two words for ya: Nostalgia
Sells!
Canadian Bulldog moves to a
new home (not all of these are wrestling-related, FYI).
Reigning Hardcore champion Mick
Farley vows to have terrible 2-out-of-3-falls match on PPV against Nature Guy Ricky Flare, which must be the exact
same strategy that the guys on Friday! Night! Smack! Down! have been using for years.
"Mr. Monday In The Bank" Rod Van-Damme
becomes only the third man to unify the WWE and New ECW championships. He's expected to have a long and prosperous reign,
provided he doesn't do anything, you know, INCREDIBLY FUCKING STUPID to ruin it.
The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain
is his own worst enemy, literally, when he battles himself on PPV. And yet it's probably the most bankable angle he's been
involved with for years.
Kur Tangle, whom WWE is trying
to ruin, loses to Randy Orton! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!! on the "Die Hard With A Venegeance" PPV. Okay, fine, not all
of them are so ironic…
On the June 26th edition of Eric
Bischov's Monday Night Raw,the undefeated "Samodian Bulldogzer Umagla" battles Kimala The Ugandan Headbanger.
This is what happens… when wrestling stereotypes collide!
Nothing much happened in NWA T&A
(National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass). Sure, Double Jeff Jarrod won the Ugly Gold Strap in an overblown finish
that included Stink, The Christian's Cage, Earl Hefner, Lenny Zybsko, Jim Coronet and Numerous Others, but nothing
BIG happened.
And that about wraps 'er up for the first six months of the year. If you have any questions, suggestions,
comments or (ugh) corrections, drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.
