Jerry The King Lawyer: I'm
not sure it's a cage match, actually, but… hey, since when did I become the serious one? Look, J.R.; puppies! Woo hoo!
Good Ol' J.R. Ewing: I would
appreciate it if you'd stop staring at my chest, bah gawd! And now, let's pass it onto our broadcast colleagues from Friday!
Night! Smack! Down!, Michael Coal and Justin
Breadshaw Lagerfeld.
Michael Coal: Thank you, J.R.
Tonight, in addition to the Rumble match, it will be WWE Undisputed Other World Champion Deacon
Bautista against Kevin Kennedy (KEN-NE-DY!). What about it, JLB?
Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld:
Coal, you little twit, this may very well be the most important evening in WWE history, but your crappy announcing isn't going
to help
Michael Coal: Hmm. What can
I say? I actually agree. Let's turn things over to our Spanish Announcing Guys!
Spanish Announcing Guy # 1: ¿Yo no sé hablar realmente
español muy bien, de modo que por qué no parloteamos nosotros apenas en y en acerca del 30 hombre Retumba Royale esta noche
y ocasionalmente añade algunos nombres reconocibles de inglés como El Undertaker
y Sean McMichaels? ¡Será el mejor igual jamás!
Spanish Announcing Guy # 2: ¡JAMAS!!!
Spanish Announcing Guy # 1: Ahora tomémoslo a
nuestros colegas en EC F'N W - Joe E. Estilos y Tazzzzzzzzzzz.
Joe E. Styles: Welcome, everyone,
to…
Good Ol' J.R. Ewing: Sorry
to cut you off there, Joe E., but we’re actually short on time. We’re not even going to have time for the other
matches tonight because we had to go through all those announcer introductions, bah gawd!
Jerry The King Lawyer: The
tribute video we did to the people WWE just fired probably didn’t help either.
Good Ol’ J.R. Ewing: Let’s
get started with the Rumble, bah gawd!
Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld:
Here it is, the Rumble Royale, the most dangerous match in professional wrestling.
Tony Schiavauntey: This is,
without a doubt, the greatest moment in the history of our industry!
Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld:
Shut up, Coal. You’re ruining everything!
Michael Coal: But I…
didn’t say any… oh, look it’s time for the first wrestler.
“The
World’s Fattest Love Machine…”
Michael Coal: It’s none
other than big, bad Visceria! I doubt
anyone will be able to throw this guy out. Even though he’s been in numerous battle royals over the years and always
manages to lose them.
“How
do ya like me now? Now that I still have a job and guys like Sylvester Turkey
have been canned?”
Tazzzzzz: And the wrestler
who drew number two… ECW’s very own Bob “Hardwood” Holly.
Wow, the opening few minutes of this match oughta suck ass.
Good Ol’ J.R. Ewing:
No one has ever broken his Masterlock, bah gawd!
Jerry “The King” Lawyer: Who are you talking about, J.R.? Did you forget to take your pills again?
Good Ol’ J.R. Ewing:
Stone Cold! Stone Cold! STONE COLD!!!
Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld:
And just like that, Holly is gone. I can’t believe that Visceria busted out that somersault plancha. But that just shows
you why this is the most important, dangerous, vicious, bone-crunching match in wrestling.
BZZZZZT!
BONG! BONG!
Michael Coal: Here
comes The Old School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like He Used To! Is it possible
“The Death Man” has finally met his match this time in the 450-pound Visceria?
Joe E. Styles: Well, I’d
have to think that…
Jerry “The King” Lawyer: Sorry to interrupt you there, but I just wanted to mention that this year’s Rumble Royale is being sponsored
by the book Thanks For The Compliment: Canadian Bulldog’s Nuttiest Letters Ever! EVER!!! And the official theme song of the Rumble Royale is “Family Ties” by the band Darth Vader Sings.
BZZZZZT!
“Oh…
Oh… Sean! I think I’m cute… I know I’m sexy… I can’t believe… that this song’s
still around…”
Spanish Announcing Guy # 2: Ahora es tiempo para
el número de luchador cuatro. Y es... “The Heartburn Kid” Sean McMichaels.
Good Ol’ J.R. Ewing: Rob
Simmons was a two-time All-American with Florida State University, and he won the coveted Heisman trophy by scoring four touchdowns,
not in one season, but in one game.
Jerry “The King” Lawyer: That’s great to know, J.R., but… he’s not even in the match tonight, and… aw, screw it. Look,
Visceria is humping McMichaels. Woo hoo!
BZZZZZT!
“Oooooh,
Chavo! Yes, yes, Chavo! Come on, Chavo, harder… harder… faster, Chavo! Give it to me, Chavo! Yes, yes… YESSSSSSSSSSS!”
Tazz: Not for nothin’,
Cole, but that could only be the music of Chavita Guerrera Junior. This one should
be a rocketbusta!
Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld:
Cole, you stupid moron, I once had the opportunity to rape Chavita in the shower, and you can tell he comes from a traditional
wrestling family.
Michael Coal: What are you
even TALKING ABOUT? Anyways, it looks as though Visceria has been eliminated by The Ordertaker. Who would have seen that coming?
Certainly not me, because I’ve only been calling wrestling matches for the past 10 years.
BZZZZZT!
“You
think you know me? You will never… HEY! Nothing you could say!... On this day, I see clearly… HEY!... Everything
is… HEY!”
Jerry “The King” Lawyer: That could only be the combined music of Rated ORK, the tag team champions
of ThEdge and Randy Orton! ORTON! BAH
GAWD, ORTON!!!
Good Ol’ J.R. Ewing: Orton!
ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!!
Joe E. Styles: How come they’re
both coming into the ring toge…
Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld:
Will you look at that? They’re teaming up with Chavito and putting the boots to McMichaels! While Ordertaker is sitting
in the corner reading a book! This may be the most brilliant strategy I have ever witnessed!
BZZZZZT!
“Exit light/Enter night/Take my hand/Off to never never land/Something’s wrong, shut the light/Heavy
thoughts tonight/And they aren’t of snow white/Dreams of war, dreams of liars/Dreams of dragons fire/And of things that
will bite/Sleep with one eye open/Gripping your pillow tight/Exit light/Enter night/Take my hand/Off to never never land/Now
I lay me down to sleep/Pray the lord my soul to keep/If I die before I wake/Pray the lord my soul to take/Hush little baby,
don't say a word/And never mind that noise you heard/It’s just the beast under your bed/In your closet, in your head/Exit
light/Enter night/Grain of sand/Exit light/Enter night/Take my hand/We’re off to never never land…”
Tazz: Listen to that entrance
music for Sand Man, Coal! This is off the hook!
Michael Coal: Although he’s
already been eliminated, courtesy of The Ordertaker. The Phenomenal One is on fire tonight.
Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: If you don’t
shut up with the clichés, Coal, I’m gonna punch you in the face!
BZZZZZT!
“I like
to stab people who aren’t cool.”
Michael Coal: Here comes Charlita Caribbean Cruel to the ring!
Good Ol’ J.R. Ewing: Charlita!
Chavita! Charlita! Chavita! BAH GAWD!!!
Joe E. Styles: At this point
in the match, it…
BZZZZZT!
“My name
is Finlay, and I like to fight! I also enjoy dancing, singing, long walks on the beach and quiet evenings at home.”
Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: Will
you shut up for a minute, Coal? Now we’re about to see a real street fighter in action. Fat Finlay is, beyond the shadow of a doubt, the toughest guy I have ever raped in the shower.
Jerry “The King” Lawyer: And look, JLB, he brought his L’il Bastard with him! Woo hoo! That’s
so funny – him being a midget and all!
Bobby “The Brian” Heenan: The other day, I saw him doing pushups under a ’57 Chevy.
Jerry “The King” Lawyer: Ahahahahahahaha! Priceless!
Spanish Announcing Guy # 1: Acabamos
de preguntars si podemos ir a casa ahora, porque no hay mucho para nosotros hacer?
BZZZZZT!
“One
Of A Kind! Doo doo doo DOO doo doo DOO doo doo DOO doo doo doo; Doo doo doo DOO doo doo DOO doo doo DOO doo doo doo!”
Tazzzzz: Now things are gonna
get interesting, Coal. Rod Van Damme is a former WWE and ECW Champion, and…
oh, crap, he’s been eliminated by Chavita Guerrera. That was fast.
Michael Coal: Out, along with
him, is Charlita. The Ordertaker is on a roll!
Joe E. Styles: It…
Good Ol’ J.R. Ewing: HOW
DO YOU LEARN TO FALL OFF A 20-FOOT LADDER???
BZZZZZT!
“All
Hail King Bookie! All Hail King Bookie! All Hail King Bookie! All Hail King Bookie! All Hail King Bookie! All Hail King Bookie!
All Hail King Bookie! All Hail King Bookie! All Hail King Bookie! All Hail King Bookie! All Hail King Bookie!”
Good Ol’ J.R. Ewing: By
hellfire and brimstone, that’s gotta be The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain!
Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld:
Actually, it’s Booker King, one of the most talented wrestlers in history
that I’ve ever raped in the shower. I can see how you’d get the two mixed up. But let’s add Kain in there
as well, just because Bulldog’s fingers are hurting from all the typing he’s done so far.
Michael Coal: It looks as
though Chavita Guerrera Junior is history, after a powerful chokeslam by The Ordertaker!
Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld:
SHUT THE FUCK UP, COAL!
BZZZZZT!
“Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
(cough cough) oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”
Jerry “The King” Lawyer: It’s time for the “Nature Guy” Ricky Flare, and he
could very well be the guy to win this whole thing.
Tazzzzzzz: How often do you
get to see the five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time WCW Champion and one time World Champion in the ring
against the sixteen-time, sixteen-time, sixteen-time, sixteen-time, sixteen-time, sixteen-time, sixteen-time, sixteen-time,
sixteen-time, sixteen-time, sixteen-time, sixteen-time, sixteen-time, sixteen-time, sixteen-time, sixteen-time World Champion?
Michael Coal: And how about
this? The Brotherz Of Destruction have turned on one other, and The Ordertaker
has just eliminated his own flesh and blood Ka…
Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: (Glares
disapprovingly)
Michael Coal: I mean, uh…
nothing…
BZZZZZT!
“Time
to play the game! Time to play the game! Muhuhuhahahahaha…”
Jerry “The King” Lawyer: That must one of three surprise entrants this year. It’s… none other than Triple HHH’s Good Quad!
Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: Don’t
you dare disrespect that quad, Coal! That is, without a doubt, the toughest limb in wrestling today.
Joe E. Styles: I’m not
sure how well…
BZZZZZT!
“Doo
doo doo doo DOO doo doo doo doo DOO! Doo doo doo doo DOO doo doo doo doo doo DOO doo DOO!”
Michael Coal: Those doo's
are the unmistakable music of United States Champion Canadian Crippler Chris Benwah!
Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: And
while we’re at it, say goodbye to Fat Finlay. So long, ya big Irish bastard! See you in the shower room, loverboy!
Good Ol’ J.R. Ewing: WILL
SOMEONE PLEASE STOP THE DAMN MATCH?
BZZZZZT
Whatever Saboo’s
Music Sounds Like
Tazz: The mood is about to
change now, Coal! Here comes "The Homicidal, Genocidal, Suicidal, Pesticidal, Herbicidal,
Dance Recital" Saboo, and once he…
Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld:
He’s been thrown out by The Ordertaker! Ha ha! How do you like them apples,
Coal?
Michael Coal: Um… fine?
BZZZZZT!
“Ain’t
no stopping me… NAH!”
Jerry “The King” Lawyer: Here comes one half of The World’s Best Goddamn Tag Team, Sheldon Benjamin. But I kind of wonder why his partner Charlie Horse
wasn’t entered in this thing?
Good Ol’ J.R. Ewing: It’s
because he’s African-American, dammit! Fucking racist promoters!
Joe E. Styles: Meanwhile,
Chris…
Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: …
Benwah has been eliminated by Triple HHH’s Good Quad.
Joe E. Styles: That’s
what I was trying to…
Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld:
Yeah, yeah, shut up. Whatever.
BZZZZZT!
“Oh,
you didn’t know? Well your ass better calllll somebody…”
Good Ol’ J.R. Ewing: Bah
gawd, Roaddog Jamie James and Big Ass
Billy Gun have returned to the WWE, bah gawd!
Jerry The King Lawyer: Actually,
the music department screwed up. It’s actually Mike and Jeff Hardee, who
are entering the Rumble together.
Spanish Announcing Guy # 2: ¿Ah, el perro de presa
seguro se apresura las cosas aquí, no es él?
BZZZZZT!
“We are
the Nation… of Domination!”
Good Ol’ J.R. Ewing:
Ron Simmons was a two-time All-American with…
Jerry “The King” Lawyer: You already said that! And besides, this isn’t Faarooque; the music
department is playing the wrong song again. It’s Chris Masterpiece.
Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld:
Look at the body on that kid. Oh, the things I could do to him in the shower. For example, rape.
Good Ol' J.R. Ewing: Rated
ORK has tossed out Triple HHH's Good Quad! QUAD BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD! QUAD!
Joe E. Styles: Why am I even
here if…
BZZZZZT!
"We're not
the Mounties. We're handsome, we've brave, we're strong. We're not the Mounties. And we control the law…"
Good Ol’ J.R. Ewing:
Bah gawd, those damn Dudley Brotherz! Damn them all to hell!
Tazzzzzz: Well, you weren't
even close this time, J.R. It's the reunited M&M, Johnny Night Ro and Freddie Mercury. And that means Mercury is the
second of three surprise entrants tonight.
Jerry "The King" Lawyer: Woo
hoo! Look at Melita, bending over all sexy like that!
Good Ol' J.R. Ewing: King,
why are you not wearing any pants on under there, bah gawd?
Jerry "The King" Lawyer: Uh…
isn't it time for the next "Bzzzzt"?
BZZZZZT!
"Ex-paaaaaaack!
You think you can tell us what to do?"
Tazz: That's actually not
Ex-Pack; it's ECW's own Vampire Guy (w/ Hot
Vampire Chick), and… shit! He's already been tossed out. What the hell?
Jerry "The King" Lawyer: Woo
hoo! Look at Hot Vampire Chick's puppies, J.R.!
Spanish Announcing Guy # 2: Lawler
es un pervertido tan maldito.
Michael Coal: Vampire Guy
will have some good company because M&M and The Hardy Brotherz have all eliminated each other. Somehow.
Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld:
Ordertaker's going after Booker King. And his royal majesty has fallen down faster than Bam Bam!
Good Ol' J.R. Ewing: BAH GAWD!
Show some respect!!!
Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: WHAT?
I meant Terry "Bam Bam" Gordie. He's been dead for years. Surely the statute of
limitations on jokes about him have been lifted by now.
Michael "S.P." Hayes: Sometimes,
late at night, I can still hear him speaking to me... (sniff).
BZZZZZT!
"Don't go messin'
with a country boy, a country boy, a country boy. Don't go messin…"
Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: That
music could only mean the arrival of Montenacious Vivacious Porterhouse, aka VIP. He's the most exciting superstar ever!
Michael Coal: EVER!!!
Jerry "The King" Lawyer: This
has to be one of the strangest developments in Rumble Royale history! Ricky Flare and Sean McMichaels just shoulderblocked
each other and began spontaneously bleeding. EMT's are removing them both from the match.
BZZZZZT!
"You…
look… so… good to me."
Tazzzzzzz: Instead of that
being Reeco, it's actually Timmy Dreamer.
And now he's out. Crap!
Joe E. Styles: I find it a
little suspicious that…
Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: SHUT
UP, COAL!!! Keep your damn opinions to yourself!
BZZZZZT!
"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…
what a rush!"
Good Ol' J.R. Ewing: Bah gawd,
here comes the greatest tag team to ever set foot in a WWE ring! The Road Warriers,
Hog and Mammal!
Jerry "The King" Lawyer: No,
it's just the music situation again. In reality, it's Kenneth Dykstra on his way
to the ring.
Good Ol' J.R. Ewing: Do I still work for Bill Wattz?
Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: It
looks as though Masterpiece and VIP have eliminated Ordertaker from the ring! Just kidding; it's the other way around.
BZZZZZT!
"He's just
a common man. Workin' hard with his hands. He's an Amerrrrr-ican Dream!"
Michael Coal: And here comes
Miz "The Mizz" Mizzington. This reality-television star could be the difference
maker, as we come down to the last few entrants.
Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: I'm
gonna be a difference-maker on your ass in the shower if you don't keep quiet!
Good Ol' J.R. Ewing: Horowitz
wins! Horowitz wins!
Jerry "The King" Lawyer: Have
you started inhaling barbeque sauce now or something?
BZZZZZT!
"Don't treat
me like a woman. Don't treat me like a man. Don't treat me like you know me. Treat me for just who I am."
Tazzzzzzz: That's apparently
the music for our 29th entrant, ECW's See 'Em Punk. And he's been eliminated
already. Big fuckin' deal.
Jerry "The King" Lawyer": Mizz
and Dysktra have just been eliminated. Because they suck.
Joe E. Styles: So that means…
Michael Coal: So that means
that entrant number 30 is next.
Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: Thanks
for stating the obvious, you stupid fucking nerd.
BZZZZZT!
"Money money
money money (Money)." Not the Ted DiBeassey version, but the one they use on The Apprentice.
Good Ol' J.R. Ewing: BAH GAWD!
I can't believe it - number 30 is none other than billionaire Gerald Trump!!!
Jerry "The King" Lawyer: And
for once, J.R., you're not making up shit. That really is Trump, entering the Rumble! Woo hoo!
Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: Coal,
this is one of the most famous, wealthiest, entrepreneurs in the world, so don't insult the people by belittling Trump's contributions
to this match.
Michael Coal: Well, JLB, I
didn't…
Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: SHUT
UP!
Michael Coal: No, YOU shut
up! I've had it up to here with you talking down to me, insulting me, and raping me in the shower. Well, the shower stuff
is fine, but you can NOT talk to me like that anymore!
Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: I…
never realized you felt that way.
Joe E. Styles: But…
Michael Coal: Perhaps if you
spent less time raping guys in the shower and more time listening to my needs, you would have understood that.
Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: I
admit; I have been very selfish lately.
Michael Coal: It's not just
"lately". This goes back to the supershow tapings in Washington. Would it have killed you to take some "us" time so that we
could explore our feelings?
Joe E. Styles: Guys…
Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: But,
Michael, I just thought…
Michael Coal: That's exactly
the problem! You "thought". You never ASKED! How can I ever trust you if we can't even talk about our issues, openly and honestly?
Joe E. Styles: Will you two
just…
Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: I
have a lot of learning to do.
Michael Coal: Yes. Learning and loving.
Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: (Sniff)
I'm sorry, Michael. Can you give this selfish Texan a second chance?
Michael Coal: I wouldn't have
it any other way, partner.
Joe E. Styles: IF YOU TWO
CAN STOP PLAYING DOCTOR FUCKING PHIL FOR TWO FUCKING MINUTES, I JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT TRUMP HAS ELIMINATED ORDERTAKER AND
RATED ORK, AND HE'S THE 2007 RUMBLE ROYALE WINNER!!!
Good Ol' J.R. Ewing: TRUMP!
TRUMP! BAH GAWD, TRUMP!!! HE'S TAKING THE MICROPHONE.
Gerald Trump: Good evening,
everyone. People want to know why I, a self-made billionaire, or however the hell I made my money, would want to enter a wrestling
match. No, it's not because it's been a lifelong ambition of mine. It's not to boost ratings for my shitty television show.
It's not even to set up an angle with Vince MacMahon at WrestelMania XXX3. It's
because I am going to take this opportunity today to reveal my true identity.
Jerry "The King" Lawyer: Trump
is taking off his wig… and now his mask… I can't believe it. He's really…
Joe E. Styles: OH MY GOD!
It's Canadian Bulldog!!!
Spanish Announcing Guy # 1: Ah sí, es cierto.
El perro de presa ganó el Retumba aquí, aquí y aquí.
Good Ol' J.R. Ewing: Canadian
Bulldog has won the Rumble Royale for the fourth straight year, bah gawd!!! For all the other announcers, I'm Gordon Soley! Good night, everyone! |