"Rest In Piece" 
     -- The Ordertaker, 1961-2003

Welcome, everyone, to the latest EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes, your one-stop shop for news, rumors, gossip and, uh, things. I'm Canadian Bulldog, and we've got tons to get to this week. But before we start, a quick trivia question:

How many people will watch Wrestle Mania XXX this weekend?

(a) 25 billion
(b) 250 billion
(c) 250,0000 zillion
(d) Just me and Mike Hardy Version 2.0

Make sure to vote for your choice at the official Inside The Ropes website. Oh, and here are the results from my last EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED poll conducted like ten weeks ago before my severe case of depression hiatus:

Who were the original members of The Click?

(A) Sean McMichaels, Triple HHH and Deacon Bautista - 21 percent
(B) Roadog Jamie James, Ex-Pack, Big Ass Barry Gun and China - 18 percent
(C) Jason Credible, Ex-Pack and Al Bert - 0 percent
(D) Big Sex Killer Kevin Nash, Scott 'Last Hall' Call and Eric Bischov - 25 percent
(E) All of the above - 34 percent

We start things off this week on a sad note, unless you're the type of person who enjoys reading about dead wrestlers - in which case, things are looking up for you, pally!!!

Ray "Hercules" Hernandez, best known to the wrestling universe as Ray, died last week at the age of Something. Longtime fans will remember he got his start in the business working as Millionaire Man Teddy B. Assey's slave. When that didn't work out, he became part of the popular Power and Glory tag team, pairing up with Paul Glory. He was also in WCW for a while as Super Vader before striking it rich with a Disney movie patterned after his career.

He will be missed by many, presuming he has a large family.

Another piece of negative news comes to us from the Ring Of Horror promotion. It appears as though company founder Ron Fierstein was caught on television doing something unscrupulous. I haven't been able to nail down the full details yet, but what could possibly be bad enough to end someone's career in the lucrative field of minor league wrestling? Besides booking Cocoa Beware on one of your shows, that is.

As it so happens, my top source, totalbs@hotmail.com, sent me a copy of an Internet Transcript that Fierstein had with an innocent, 13 year old boy!!! What follows may offend some people (though, honestly, if that's the case, you're probably reading the wrong column anyways):

ROHVideo: Hi there.
Innocent13YearOldBoy: Hi.
ROHVideo: How YOU doin'?
Innocent13YearOldBoy: Good, thanks.
ROHVideo: Wanna have sex?
Innocent13YearOldBoy: Do I ever!
ROHVideo: Great! Why don't you come over? I live in my parents basement, where I edit minor-league wrestling DVD's.
Innocent13YearOldBoy: Dad?
ROHVideo: Timmy?
(longish pause)
Innocent13YearOldBoy: Aw, man.
ROHVideo: What the fuck!?!
Innocent13YearOldBoy: Dad, I don't understand
ROHVideo: Timmy, you should be ashamed of yourself!
Innocent13YearOldBoy: *I* should be ashamed of myself????
(longer pause)
Canadian_Bulldog: Hey, how's everyone doing tonight?
ROHVideo: What?
Canadian_Bulldog: Oh, I get it. You're pretending to be Stone Cold. If ya wanna chat with me, gimme an 'Oh Hell Yeah'!!!
Innocent13YearOldBoy: Do you mind? This is kind of a private conversation!
Canadian_Bulldog: But isn't this the Online Onslaught chat room?
Jeb: Yes it is. And I maintain that Orton sucks!!!
Canadian_Bulldog: Hey guys!!!
OOMatt: This room needs a little more Kane!
OORick: I am The All-Knowing Rick. Heed my words or thou shalt be stricken down. STRICKEN DOWN!!!!!!!
Innocent13YearOldBoy: I'm outta here
(long pause)
ROHVideo: So uh... any 13 year-old boys out there?

OORick signed off at 11:49 p.m.

By the way, there's some big wrestling event coming up this Saturday. Which one? Oh, I don't know, how about WRESTLE MANIA XXX, where everything old is new again?!? It's only the best wrestling show EVER!!!

To help you fucking morons fans get better prepared for the big daddy of 'em all, here's an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED preview of what to look forward to:

Triple HHH Vs. Canadian Crippler Chris Benwah Vs. Heartburn Kid Sean McMichaels -- Non-Ladder Three-Way Dance for Undisputed Raw World Title

Behind all the hype and glamour that went in to this match is a story. A story of someone who overcame the odds. A story of people telling him he'd never get into the main event. A story of the underdog who underwent major surgery just to get back into the sport he loves. A story of a man who had to claw his way back to the top, surprising both casual and hardcore fans in the process. Despite that incredible story, though, I still think that Triple HHH doesn't have what it takes to win.

'Latin Heat' Eddie Guerrera Vs. Kur Tangle -- Match for the Undisputed Other World Title

Betrayal. Injustice. Cruelty.
One man is a hero. The other a traitor.
Only one can survive.

I don't know about who will win the match, but you have to admit -- that was one hell of a haiku.

The Next Best Thing Brock Lesnor Vs. Stoned Cold Sheriff Austen -- Special Referee Bill Goldenberg

Here's a match that technical wrestling fans have been clamoring to see for ages. Look for you-know-who to come out on top. And we'll finally get to see what happened to Sheriff Austen's Stolen Bicycle!!!

The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain Vs. ????

Someone has come back from Kain's past to track him down and possibly murder him. Who is it? Tune in this weekend to find out!
Even though World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. is trying its best to keep Kain's opponent a secret, they managed to leak out a clue over at wwf.com: "Will the dead man keep his unbeaten streak at WrestleMania alive?". In this humble scribe's opinion, no way. Bank on it!!!

The Rocko Rock Connection (Mick Farley and Rocky Maivia) Vs. Revolution (Ricky Flare, Randy Orson and Deacon Bautista) -- Loser Gets Head Shaved

The team of best-selling authors and actors have this one wrapped up, as was evidenced on this week's edition of Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw when they handily defeated the trio of a horny old lady, a middle-aged man and Jimminy 'Superfreak' Snuka.

Other, Less Important Matches:

John Ceno Vs. The Best Show -- Flag Match

Time to bust some Bulldoganomics, which is in no way copying PWTorch's Derek Kurrgan:

Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo
Yo! Yo yo yo
You can't see me
World life!

Which, I think just about says it all.

Y J Stinger Chuck Jericho Vs. The Christian -- With Tritch Stratus in a neutral corner

This one has everything; sexual tension, sexual frustration and sexual violence!!! Too close to call.

The Acquelytes Protection Association Vs. The World's Best Goddam Tag Team Vs. The Dudley Brotherz Vs. Bookie T and Harvey Dee Vs. The Bash 'Em Brothers (w/Queen Shaneequa) Vs. Mark Cade and Garrison Jindrak Vs. Rikishi Phatu and your Mother Too and Scotty The Hotty Vs. Los Resistance -- Tag Team Schmoz

Look for the team of to come out on top!!!

Chavito Guerrera Junior Vs. The Winner Of The Little Heavyweight Battle Royale

Expect one of Takajiri's Assorted Ninjas (likely Sato) to come out on top of this one and narrowly defeat Chavito, right before Good Ol' JR Ewing writes in his Roth Report that "the cruiserweight division is starting to build some momentum", which means that it will close down.

Queen Vicktoria Vs. Mighty Molly Hardy -- Match That Will Probably Get Stuck On SUnDaY NiGHT hEaT While John Matthews And Roo Go On For Twenty Minutes About What A Spectacle WMXXX Is Going To Be, And Order Now, Because Pay-Per-View Operators Are Standing By.

Wow. A Girls' Title Match on the biggest show of the year. Go figure!!!

That about sums up Wrestle Mania. Be sure to drop me a line about YOUR WrestleMania predictions, thoughts and, if at all possible, the results (because I can no longer afford paper-view). Thanks in advance!!!

Finally, let's open things up to a little Q & A, shall we?

Q: I AM 65 YEARS OLD MAN.I AM FROM DUBAI{UNITED ARAB EMIRATE}.I OWN TWO BUSINESSES IN DUBAI.I AM MARRIED WITH TWO CHILDREN.MY WIFE AND TWO CHILDREN DIED IN A CAR ACCIDENT SIX YEARS AGO.PRESENTLY, I AM IN A HOSPITAL RECEIVING TREATMENT. EVER SINCE, I HAVE BEEN HELPING ORPHANS IN ORPHANAGE/MOTHERLESS HOME. I HAVE ALSO DONATED SOME MONEY TO THE ORPHANS IN SUDAN, SOUTHAFRICA,CAMEROON,BRAZIL,SPAIN, AUSTRIA AND GERMANY.BEFORE I BE CAME ILL,I SENT SOME MONEY{10.5MILLION DOLLARS}TEN MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS IN A BOX THROUGH A DIPLOMAT FRIEND OF MINE.THE CONSIGNMENT IS PRESENTLY IN LONDON(ENGLAND) PRESENTLY, I AM IN A HOSPITAL, MY DOCTORS TOLD ME THAT I HAVE CANCER OF THE LUNGS THAT I HAVE FEW MONTHS TO LIVE. PLEASE,I BEG YOU IN THE NAME OF GOD TO HELP ME MAKE ARRANGEMENT WITH THIS DIPLOMAT FRIEND OF MINE ON HOW TO COLLECT{BOX} AFTER COLLECTING THE MONEY{BOX} FROM HIM IN LONDON, YOU WILL NOW HELP ME TO TAKE THE MONEY {$10.5 MILLION}BOX TO ANY ORHANPANGE HOME IN LONDON OR ANY OTHER ORPHANANAGE HOME CLOSE TO YOU,QUOTING MY NAME AS THE DONOR. I AM OFFERING YOU $2m OF THE SUM OF $10.5MILLION FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE. MAY THE GOOD GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY. I AWAIT YOUR URGENT RESPONSE.
A: Thanks for the compliment!!! All I have to say is, it's about damn time some of you Dubaians recognized everything I've done for your community and pay me back what I rightfully deserve. No problem helping you out in taking the money to your orphanage. My credit card info is on its way!!!

Q: Dear Canadian Bulldog, I don't mean to be negative but I don't find your column enjoyable at all. I don't get the point. Are you trying to be funny or what????
A: I don't know; that sounded pretty negative to me.

Q: I think Stoned Cold would kick your ass in a shoot fight.
A: Did I ask for your opinion? Oh, wait, I did ask for it a few weeks ago. Okay, my bad.

Q: WE ARE PLEASE TO INFORM YOU OF THE ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE WINNERS OF LOTTERY PRIMITIVA SWEEPSTAKES/INTERNATIONAL PROGRAMS HELD ON 15 TH JANUARY 2004. YOUR CONTACT IS ATTACHED TO THE TICKET NUMBER 004-05117963-198, WITH SERIAL NUMBER 99375 DREW THE LUCKY NUMBERS 01-15-37-38-48-49 AND CONSEQUENTLY WON THE LOTTERY IN CATEGORY 1B. YOU HAVE BEEN THEREFORE APPROVED THE SUM OF 800,500.00(EIGHT HUNDRED THOUSAND, FIVE HUNDRED EUROS) CREDITED TO THE FILE NUMBER:LP/2656043/ES/104. THIS IS FROM THE TOTAL PRICE MONEY OF 31.472.765.00 SHARED AMONG THE TWENTY THREE LOCAL AND INTERNATIONAL WINNERS IN ALL CATEGORIES. ALL PARTICIPANTS WERE SELECTED THROUGH COMPUTER BALOTTING SYSTEM DRAWN FROM 45,000.00 NAMES FROM AUSTRALIA, NEW ZEALAND, AFRICA, EUROPE,AMERICA AND ASIA AS PART OF OUR INTERNATIONAL PROMOTION PROGRAM WHICH IS CONDUCTED EVERY TWO YEARS. CONGRATULATIONS!!! YOUR FUND IS NOW INSURED TO YOUR CONTACT. DUE TO THE COMPUTER MIX-UP OF SOME NUMBERS AND CONTACTS, WE ASK YOU TO KEEP THIS AWARD STRICKLY FROM PUBLIC NOTICE UNTILL YOUR CLAIM HAS BEING PROCESSED AND YOUR MONEY REMITTED TO YOUR NOMINATED ACCOUNT.THIS IS PART OF OUR SECURITY ADVICE TO AVOID DOUBLE CLAIMING OR UNSCRUPULOUS ACTS BY THE PARTICIPANTS OF THIS PROGRAM. CONGRATULATIONS AGAIN FROM ALL OUR STAFF.
A: Wow! This AND the Dubai thing happening on the same day!!! What are the odds?!? I haven't felt this lucky since the time I was 12 and they offered me that time-share resort in Philly with the ROH founder.

Well, that about does it at this week. Until next time, make sure to catch WrestleMania, live and only on pay-per-view, brought to you by Snickers Cruncher. Hungry? Crunch this!!! Also, we'll get to find out if my subliminal advertising program works. Remember, if you heard it here first, it's... Inside The Ropes!!!