"Stand back - Hurricane Charley is coming through!" 
        -- Hurricane Helmsley, 2002.

Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, or as I'm known on the street, C-Biddy. We've got a ton to get to this week, so let's get right to it!!! But first, a quick poll:

Who will win the $25 Million Raw Diva Dodgeball Challenge?
(A) Karmala
(B) Chandra
(C) Stacy Keebler
(D) Stephen Richards In Drag
(E) Yes

Be sure to vote for your choice at the official Inside The Ropes website (and then enter the contest on Inside Pulse.com) for your chance to win $1,000!!! And here are the results from our last poll:

Who does Nature Guy Ricky Flare hate the most, according to his new book To Beat The Man?:
Mick Farley - 4 %
Robocop - 9 %
Scott Keeth - 18 %
Bert 'Hate Man' Hart - 27 %
Yes - 40 %

According to my secret, top-level WWE sources (I owe you one, D-Von!), the impending marriage between The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain and The Returning Pregnant Leeta is about to undertake a SHOCKING TWIST!!! (Pun fully intended!)

First, they will get married on television without a hitch, as is usually the case with wrestling weddings. Then, two weeks later, they will air the following vignette at the happy couple's house:

K: Honey, I'm home.
L: Where have you been?
K: I was just out having a beer with the boys…
L: Maybe you should have thought to call home. Dinner is ruined!
K: I'm… I'm sorry. I just didn't think…
L: That's your problem. You never think!
K: Look, I don't need to take this…
L: The hell you don't! Now don't forget to clean the toilet. We've got company coming over tomorrow.
K: Company?
L: Yes, Jeff's going to be in town checking out a new rehab center.
K: Aw, crap. Then I'm gonna have to hide the painkillers until he's gone. Why do we always have to have YOUR friends over anyways?
L: Oh, I'm sorry. That's not true. Just last week, we had YOUR father over for dessert.
K: Yeah, but…
L: That fat fucking pig didn't even say thank you when I made his favorite chocolate-layer cake!
K: He's buried in a concrete tomb! What the hell do you want from him?
L: I JUST WANT SOME RESPECT! (Crying) I work my ass off here cleaning this house, and all you do is set things on fire.
K: IT'S WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING!!!
L: Matt was right; you don't love me at all…
K: I thought we established that months ago…
L: I knew I was making a mistake by agreeing to marry you because Matt lost a wrestling match.
K: Well, let me tell YOU something, bitch! You aren't exactly Katie Vick in the bedroom department!
L: And you're no Jeff... I mean Matt!
K: Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!
L: This… just isn't working out.
K: What the hell do you want from me?
L: I WANT A DIVORCE!!!

The story will be continued until they find out next week that Paul Burier was once married to the Hardee Boyz's mother, so that the child is actually incestuous. Ewwwww!!!

The NWA TNA (National Wrestling Alliance Tits and Ass) promotion has made a business decision to limit their PPV's from being once every four days to holding them "every once in a while", according to company owner Double Jeff Jarrod. The reason being is that they want more time to build storylines and make their matches seem more special. Also, no one's watching anyways.

FOCK FEAR: Former WWE competitor Stoned Cold Sheriff Austen was arrested recently for killing his ex-girlfriend. Sources say this might delay his eventual return to the company.

Oldline Onslut Completely Obscure Wrestling Reference Of The Week: Reader completelyfakealias@yahoo.com writes: "The other night, I was watching the sci-fi channel on TV and they were showing the film 2001: A Space Odyssey. Guess what music they played? The entrance theme for Ric Flair! What are the odds?"

As you're probably aware by now, World Wrestling Federtainment Corporation Limited Plc Inc. Co. and Sabel The Wild Cat have agreed to amicably part ways, shortly after the slutty old hag respected diva granted an interview to yours truly. Did the two events just happen to coincide with each other, or was it a mere coincidence? BANK ON IT!!!

The people's champion, a/k/a Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld, has hired Orlando Jackson as his new "Secretary of State". He was first going to be JLB's bodyguard, but then the writers didn't want to copy the storyline of when Millionare Man Teddy Beasse hired Virgin.

DID YOU KNOW?: Vince MacMahon, who doubles as the chairman of WWF parent company Trojan Sports, was once arrested for distributing anabolic asteroids to all of his wrestlers? He even spent 10 years in a federal prison and was later sent to the electric chair!!! (Thanks to reader totalbs@hotmail.com for submitting this week's 'Did You Know?').

What former WCW superstar is in talks to help kickstart the Smack! Down brand? If you find out, please let me know!!!

Recently, I had the chance to sit down and talk over the telephone to former WWE AND WWF World Champion, The Heart Burn Kid. What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript:

CB: Is this Sean Michaels?
SM: Yeah. Who's this?
CB: Canadian Bulldog.
SM: Bulldog, huh? That's a pretty good porn name. You'd probably have to lose the Canadian part, though…
CB: Thanks for the compliment!!! Question number one: what do you say when people call you… well, a little effeminate?
SM: WHO'S SAYING THAT?
CB: (Panicking) Uh… er… Scott Keeth!!!
SM: Don't listen to him, pal. I'm all man!
CB: Question number two: where did you come up with Sweet Chin Music?
SM: Sweet… what? I don't remember that film…
CB: It's not a film, stupid; it's a move…
SM: A move, huh? Well, I've got lots of unique "moves". Just ask the ladies!!! Heh heh heh…
CB: Heh heh heh (winks)
SM: Heh heh heh… Ha Ha Ha Ha (Laughs uncontrollably)
CB: (Laughs uncontrollably)… I… I… don't get it.
SM: Uh…
CB: Question number three: What advice would you give youngsters trying to "make it" in the business?
SM: Pace yourself, work out, drink lots of fluids, and it never hurts to pack your own lubricant.
CB: Uh… Does that, er, improve your… workrate?
SM: All the time, buddy. ALL THE TIME! (Laughs again)
CB: Ha ha ha… yeahhhhhh… Question number four: Does all the bleeding you've done on camera affect your brain?
SM: BLEEDING? I've done a lot of different things on camera, but I don't remember ever bleeding…
CB: I guess that answers my question. Question number five…
SM: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Look, kid, I'd love to stick around and answer your Insane Questions, but I've in the middle of shooting a three-way.
CB: Oh, wow! Sorry I didn't know you were working again yet. Who with -- Chris Benwah and Randy Orson?
SM: WHAT? I told you already… I AM STRAIGHT!!!
CB: In that case… THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!!! (Hangs up)
SM: I'm such a sexy boy…

If there's anyone your life wouldn't be complete without having me interview, drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com. 

Now it's time for a little something I like to call:

Letters From A Nut

This week's is a bit different, in the sense that these people have all previously appeared in a previous column (yes, I am trying to milk this thing for as long as I can). However, these are follow-ups that appeared after publication of said columns. Some of the responses are quite good.

Dear Shark Guy, 

Thanks for your letter of July 27th. I've been a little busy lately, which should be evident by the time you're done reading this... 

We were all set to go with the grand opening of the Wawa store, when tragedy stuck. The repo man (and no, not the wrestler!) took away all of our merchandise. By the time they had cleaned out all of our locations, I wasn't left with a pot to piss in (they took that away too). Now I am facing a federal grand jury on a bunch of crazy allegations -- misappropriation of funds, abuse of securities rules, theft, price-gouging -- you name it, they threw it at me. 

The thing is, I'm totally innocent. I am not AT ALL affiliated with the mafia, no matter what they claim. My lawyers say it probably won't get that far, but if we go to courts, would you be willing to testify as a 'character witness'? 

All you'd have to say is that you know who I am, know I'm a decent guy, and that I'd even contacted you for my grand opening before all this mob shit went down. Which proves, in my mind, that I'm on the level! Let me know what you think ASAP. 

Peace, out, 
Canadian Bulldog

Reply:
Hey bro, My schedule has been really nuts lately and I don't want to tell you I can do something and then not have the time. I wish you the best of luck and hope you are able to clear your name. Shark

Reply:
Canadian Bulldog, 

I never heard anything back from you. What is the status? 

Let me know, Thanks, 
Dan "The Beast" Severn 
www.the-beast.com
www.the-dangerzone.com

Dear Mr. Severne, 

Thanks for your response. We are still actively searching for someone to be the "voice" of Canadian Bulldog Realty. Are you interested? 

Here's how it would go down: There is another agent in town by the name of Rick Scherer. He's known for going off on long, boring tangents before getting down to business. Stuff about Dayton, the Cincinatti Reds, dodgeball.... you know what I mean. In the advertisement we're planning, you would barge into his office, throw him on the desk, and apply a full nelson until he cries into his Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. This would make for enthralling and entertaining advertising, we think. 

Funds are a little short right now, but we'd be willing to part with as many of these lovely Canadian Bulldog Realty T-Shirts as you could handle. Let us know if you need directions to Scherer's office, etc. We'll supply the cameraman. 

All the best, 
Canadian Bulldog CEO, 
Canadian Bulldog Enterprises

Reply:
Still interested!!!!! Yes!!!! I leave out of town tomorrow, and won't be back till the 21st. Give me a call and we can discuss the details or send them in an e-mail. Thanks, Dan "The Beast" Severn

And finally, this was a leftover from the now-infamous war of words between myself and the webmaster for Playguy Buddy Rose. The last thing I had asked him is whether he'd seen my Johnny ITR wristwatch. Here's the response…

Reply:
Yes I have. If you bend over and look up your a$$, you can find it and see what time it is. It's time to get that son of of a bitch watch, out of your a$$. Make sure you wash it again, because I am sure this isn't the first time you lost it.lol, This is why your "timing" is so far off. 

The Webmaster, 
Kurt

Dear Webmaster Kurt, I know you are, but what am I? Peace, out, Canadian Bulldog