He has been replaced by the man known as 'the mad scientist of wrestling', because he used to mix
drugs when he ran ECW. He was also the co-host of WCW Power Hour along with Misty Hyatte, and played Fat
Announcer # 1 in the remake of the movie Roller Jam. Up until recently, he was guiding the career of promising
youngster HI-DAN-RIKE.
Yes, I could only be speaking of the one and only Paul Herman. Can he single-handedly save the
Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw brand? BANK ON IT!!!
Rumor has it that Simon Diamond Page and Stoned Cold Sheriff Austen are hard at work
creating their own Reality Television Show, filling a void that is desperately needed on network TV right now.
As luck would have it, my apprentice Johnny ITR has secured a copy of the script from the show's
pilot:
Host: Welcome to the House of Pain. Let's meet our contestants: a 28 year-old unemployed musician from
Denver; a 36 year-old fitness instructor from Portland; a 23 year-old construction worker from Long Island; a 66 year-old
grandmother from Chicago; a 39 year-old former world heavyweight champion from Victoria, Texas; and a 58 year-old wrestler
turned motivational speaker from The Diamond Mine.
(individual interviews; behind closed doors)
Construction Worker: I had no idea what would happen when we all moved in together in the same house.
Motivational Speaker: Hey, bro, I had no idea if this would work, but I'm always think positive. It's
Positively Page all the way, bro. SELF HIGH-FIVE! We all had to make the best of it and make it work. YA LOVE ME, YA HATE
ME, YOU'LL NEVER FORGET ME!
Fitness Instructor: Right away, I noticed that two of the men seemed to have a secret language. It
was all "work" this, and "shoot" that, a "rib" here and a "painkiller" there. They were obviously forming an alliance.
Former World Champion: Sure, we were part of the Alliance angle after Vince bought WCW, but that was
a long time ago. We were just ribbin' her. The silly bitch was onto us from the first day me and Page arrived in tha damn
house. I turned to her and said "Are ya accusing me of lying? WHAT? Makin' up stories? WHAT? Telling tales? WHAT? A fib? WHAT?"
And that's all I got tah say about that.
Musician: I just wanted everyone to get along. Things were going fine until Page invited his old neighbor,
some guy Bischoff, over for dinner. That wasn't a pleasant evening.
Motivational Speaker: Yo, if anyone's gonna try to steal my socks outta my sock drawer, they're gonna
FEEL - THE - BANG!
Grandmother: I was surprised, to the say the least. He asked me to throw him a beer, and well, I believe
that alcoholic beverages shouldn't be consumed at breakfast. Then he kicked me in the stomach, put my neck over his arm, and
dropped down. It wasn't very nice of that young man.
Former World Champion: If you wanna see me give Granny a stunner, gimme an Oh Hell Yeah! WHAT? I said,
Oh Hell Yeah!
Motivational Speaker: And that's not a Bad Thing, that's… a Good Thing. BANG!
Internet Wrestling Columnist: This reality show… IS OVER!!!
Viva La Rasta: Eddie Guerrera has given up his addiction to crack cocaine because he's now addicted
to… defeating Lucifer Rains!!! The sexy newcomer interfered in Latin Heat's Best of 3 Falls Series match against
Kur Tangle, and now Guerrera says he won't be happy until he can defeat Rains and drive off to a victory party in his
Low Riser.
Speaking of drug addicts, Jeff Hardee duked it out with Double Jeff Jarrod this week
in the most highly anticipated match in NWA T and A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits and Ass) history.
Because the match took place after ITR's press deadline (Webmaster Rick Scherer gets quite ornery
if he doesn't his columns at least two weeks in advance), I hadn't yet watched the big title match. And even if it had happened
before deadline… well, who's kidding who here?
This was the last regular Wednesday paper-view for T and A before they switch to an all-new format
of straight-to-video events. Will this latest promotional concept make them the biggest wrestling company in the world? YES!!!
Things are out of hand over on Smack! Down now that WWE World Champion Justin "Breadshaw" Lagerfeld
has loaned his championship to his assistant Orlando Hudson. Can't General Manager T.D. Long do anything to
return the belt back to its rightful and very deserving owner?
Unless you're a moron and know nothing about nothing, you're aware that World Wrestling Federtainment
Corp. Inc. Ltd. LLC's latest paper-view spectacular is right around the corner (next month). Here, then, is an EXCLUSIVE,
JAM-PACKED preview of what to expect at Unforgiving:
MAIN EVENT
"Lund Killer" Randy Orson
Vs. Triple HHH -- Inferno Match
I never thought it would get to this, but the two former leaders of
Revolution are letting their emotions get to them, which has forced them to Do The Unthinkable and have a wrestling
match - for the title! As Randy is fond of saying: "You know, Triple HHH, I… you… the… um… well…
you know. I'm going to beat you, Triple HHH. I'm going to beat you, Triple HHH. Beat you!"
MAIN EVENT
"Heartburn Kid" Sean McMichaels Vs. The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain -- Winner gets to fuck Leeta
This match
actually started taking shape two months ago, when Kain decapitated HKB with a steel chair. But then McMichaels began praying
to Jesus and is now coming back… as a Saint!!! This match has "scientific classic" written all over it.
MAIN EVENT
Y J Stinger Chuck Jericho
Vs. The Christian -- Ladder On A Pole Match for the vacant International Title
Ever since The Christian's
former brother and life partner TheEdge was injured with a life-threatening groin pull, the vacant Hi-C title has been
up for grabs. This bout will probably settle the issue once and for all. Or maybe not. Then again… maybe it will. Or
it might not.
MAIN EVENT
Tritch Stratus Vs.
Queen Vicktoria -- Winner Gets Rights To The "GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO" Song
Look
for Stephen Richards In Drag to interfere in this one, followed by Troublemaker Tyson In Drag, then Eric
Bischov In Drag will run out and say "This match isn't over until I say it's over!" Then Mean Eugene In Drag will
run out and kiss his Uncle Eric (because they're lesbians now, remember?) and that will prompt Billy and Chucky to
double-date with them and then The Three Man Warning will come out from hiding and attack everyone because they're
opposed to the concept of Gay Marriage. Then Presidential Candidate John Carey will drive down to the ring in
his campaign van and clean house. And it will be the best match EVER!!!
MAIN EVENT
William Royal and
Canadian Crippler Chris Benwah Vs. Nature Guy Ricky Flare and Deacon Bautista -- Special "Geez, Last
Month I Was In The Main Event And Now I'm Part Of This Shit" Match
Tensions will be high in this match, for some
reason. What you DON'T know is that Revolution is secretly scouting their young, sexy opponents and want one of them to join
Revolution. Which one? Only time will tell.
Oh, hell, it's Benwah.
MAIN EVENT
The Rookie Monster Rhino Richards and Takajiri Vs. Los Resistance -- Special "Uh, I Guess This Is Supposed To Be For The Tag
Team Titles" Match
Look for the team of to come out on top.
Finally, let's go to the gimmick that never dies; a little something I like to call…