We've got a lot to get to this week, but first this:
An open letter to The American Bigass, The Ordertaker:
Hello, Mr. Ordertaker. I know you read the Internet religiously, so please just shut up for a minute
and listen to my advice.
Your current gimmick of wearing sexy leather chaps and riding to the ring in your bicycle is "cute",
but it's not what brought you to the dance, so to speak.
What I think you need to do is return your roots and become The Dead Guy character again.
Think about it: The old music, the old scary entrance that made fans crap their pants in fear (or so
I've heard) and the habit of no-selling moves that brought you your fame.
Only this time… don't change completely. Grow your hair out only a little bit, and still keep
part of your biker costume. The fans will never know what hit them. I'm telling you -- it's RATINGS GOLD, BABY!!!
So please, Mr. Ordertaker, make sure to do a half-assed return to your old gimmick. It's what the world
really wants to see.
Peace, out,
Canadian Bulldog
P.S. Maybe you should just allow Simon Diamond Page to keep stalking your Homely Wife
until he eventually murders her or what have you. Then, you can go after HIS WIFE (who's a nude model in real life!). You
can thank me later!!!
As you all know by now unless you're dumb, the WFF is about to embark on its most successful angle
ever, a little something called:
For the longest time, Vince MacMahon thought he was the smartest man in wrestling.
But obviously he DIDN'T plan on his brother Shane O' Max buying Ted Turnor's WCW and his mother Stephoney
forcing Paul Herman into bankruptcy so that she could buy ECW.
Now, the two sides are set to clash!!! On one side, you have classic WWF stars such as Chris Benwah,
Crash Hardy and K-Quick. On the other side are some of WCW and ECW's finest such as Mick Awesome, Lanny
Storm and Johnny Dreamer.
Hopefully, they'll be able to completely run this angle into the ground prematurely by squashing the
non-WWF guys and then killing off the other brand in less than a year. That way, they can bring in the big names from WCW
like Ricky Flare, The Nouveau World Order, Bill Goldenberg and Eric Bischov AFTER the storyline
has already failed. Then they should create two separate brands and not use the WCW name at all. And then they can give Bob
Orton's Punk-Ass Kid a push as the biggest star in the company about three years from now.
(What? I'm not wrong 100 percent of the time, you know.)
After weeks of wondering whether he'd "fight the good fight" or not, thank GOODNESS Stoned Cold
Steve Austen has decided NOT to abandon the WWF brand and join the WCW/ECW/XPW/NWA/TNA/ROH Alliance. Now The
Memphis Rattlesnake can finally get back to doing what he does best -- playing guitar and talking.
Besides, can you imagine what would happen if Austen decided to take his ball and go home one day?
The entire company would be ripped to its very foundation!!!
You know what would be a GREAT idea? What if someone rounded up all the WCW rejects, added some wrestlers
that no one's ever heard of, hired Vince Rousseau to book the whole thing and put in on pay-per-view every week for
$10 a pop? I smell a winner!!!
Speaking of can't miss business ideas: We are now just seven months away from the debut of Vince
MacMahon's XFL (Xcellent Football League). Will this become the biggest sports success story of the decade? BANK ON IT!!!
While I'm all for Spike TV Dudley pursuing a relationship with Molly Hardy, I can't help
but think their families don't approve. Because of their religious differences, et cetera.
Triple HHH Injury Update, Week Six: Everyone's favorite superstar is now able to walk again
without the assistance of crutches OR steroids. As you all know, The Criminal Assassin tore his right… uh…
leg… bone… thingy after pieces of the glass ceiling were placed in it, when he was FORCED to do the J.O.B. to
Chris Benwah and Chuck Jericho in a tag team match. Hopefully, he'll be able to return to the circled square
one day soon, but not before they show us Music Videos of him Rehabbing numerous weeks in a row.
Here's a great Booking Idea: Maybe they should get Breadshaw away from the mid-card in
his Acquelytes Protection Association team and have him win the world title. Huh? Huh? What do you think?
Recently, I had the opportunity to sit down and speak over the telephone with retired WCW superstar
The Sting. What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript that may not be reprinted without the expressed written
permission of Oldline Onslut, which isn't actually a stand-alone website yet, but JUST YOU WAIT!!!
CB: Hello, is this Sting?
S: Yes. But it's this Sting. Not the Sting that you're looking for.
CB: So, wait? You're this Sting?
S: That's right.
CB: Not this Sting?
S: Dude, that's The Crow.
CB: Thanks for the compliment!!!
S: So… uh, do you
want to interview me for anything?
CB: No thanks!!! I wouldn't know what to ask Sting anyways.
S: I think you mean Sting.
CB: This interview… IS OVER!!! (Hangs up).
S: What a sucker! He doesn't realize we're roommates
in real life!!!
If there's anyone that you're dying for me to interview, drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com. The e-mail will probably reach me when I actually GET that address several years from now.
Finally, let's open things up to some Q & A…
Q: Bulldog, what can you tell me about Hulk Hogan?
A: Nothing.
Q: Who do you see as the future of wrestling?
A: Thanks for the compliment!!! I can definitely see
Big Ass Billy Gun making a huge comeback someday soon, perhaps as a Gay Guy. And don't forget about the UNSTOPPABLE
DUO of TNA -- The Test and Fat Albert. All three of those guys should be around for a long while to come.
Q: Hey, Bulldog. Instead of writing open letters in your column, you should try sending the wrestlers
e-mails.
Peace, out,
Johnny ITR
P.S. Any job openings?
A: Let's get real, Johnny ITR (if indeed that is
your real name!). How many professional wrestlers do YOU think would be dumb enough to write me back?
Q: You know… pretending to predict things that will happen three years from now isn't really
that funny. Not your finest hour. A: Tell me about it! And it took me three days to come up with some of this shit, too.
That about does it for this week. If you have any questions, concerns, compliments, or if you just
want to join my XFL rotisserie league, drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.
