"Folks, a major wrestling company has just purchased WCW. Who is it? I can't talk about
here on television, but CALL ME ON THE HOTLINE! 1-900-909-9900. Kids, be sure to get your parents permission before…
nah, fuck it. Call anyways." -- Mean Jean Okerland, trying to make
a quick buck during the final edition of Monday
Night Ro, 2001.
Welcome, everyone, to the latest edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, the only
person in the business who has never been General Manager of Raw. We've got a whole lot to get to this week, but first, a
quick poll:
Who will be the next NEW World Champion? (A) Definitely not Triple HHH. No sir. (B)
SHNITSKY!!! (C) Coach Man (D) Hardwood Holly (E) Yes.
Be sure to vote for your choice at the official Inside The Ropes website. Selected visitors will be deluged with Pop-Up Advertisements That Probably Contain Viruses. Oh,
and here are the results of our most recent poll:
Who will win the next Tuff Enuff? (A) Who the hell cares - 82 % (B) Yes - 17 %
And now, onto the news…
World Title SHAKEUP!!!: As mentioned above (before the part where I told you that my website gave off
viruses), absolutely NO ONE knows who the undisputed World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. Ltd. Inc. Raw World Champion is!!!
Not even head writer Vince MacMahon!!!
And it's his job to know these things!!! And now when I look up the rankings in PWI it will say "Title
Vacant: See Page 55 for Ratings Analysis"!!!
!!!
The normally shy and reserved MacMahon offered the following statement:
"Quite frankly, we here at World Wrestling Entertainment are listening to what you, the fans
are saying. And quite frankly, you the fans have decided that not having a champion makes for a more exciting action-adventure
series, quite frankly. And if you don't like that, PAL, then why don't we settle this tonight… in this very ring! One,
two, three, he got him; no, wait, it was two. Come on, Jess, get up there and dance with Hillbily Jim. Anything can
happen here in the World Wrestling Federation Entertainment. It's un-be-lievable. Ah ha ha ha! Screw you, you're FIRRRRREDDDDDDDD!"
What the HELL is Marvin's problem these days? One minute, he's all best friends with Mean
Eugene and William Royal, and now… he hates them??? What gives, Marv? These two gave you start in this business
(probably) and now you're all like "Thanks for nothing. Don't go there, girlfriend. Talk to the hand!"? Sometimes, I just
don't get this crazy, mixed-up business at all…
Pay-Per-Snooze: Unless you're all a bunch of idiots (or just kind of forgot), WWEE presents its latest
paper-view spectacular Our Mageddon in just seven weeks. The following is an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED preview of what
to expect:
Main Event Three Way Dance For The Undisputed Other
World Title Justin "Breadshaw" Lagerfeld Vs. The Classic Old-School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like He Used
To Vs. Bookie T Vs.
Someone Else Whose Name Escapes Me At The Moment
If listening to Mike Cole and Tazzzzzzz has taught us anything, it's that unlike the last 75
times, JLB is definitely fighting "Against All Odds" now. Or maybe JLB's "Sussudio" now? I don't know; it's some Phil
Collins song. Perhaps "One More Night"? All I know is that he seems to have an invisible touch, yeah. He reaches in, and
grabs right hold of your heart.
Main Event United States of America Championship John Ceno Vs. Jesus Christ
The WWE's self-professed "gangsta rapper" may have bitten off more than he can chew this time, challenging
the "Holy One" to a streetfight.
A few questions pop into my mind:
(1) Whose decision was it to turn the prophet heel? (2) Is having this match so close to Christmas
such a hot idea? (3) Why not have him feud with Michaels instead? I mean, at least there's money in that program. (4)
Does this make Satan a de facto face? (5) Why do they call it a "street fight" if it doesn't take place on
the street?
Main Event Triple Threat The Best Show Vs. Kur
Tangle, Lucifer Rains & Mark Gingerale
Yeah… I've got nothing here.
Main Event Fake Tag Team Titles Match Team Japance (Robbie Dupree &
Kenzosaki Sakasaki) Vs. Roy 'n' Rod (Roy Mysterio
& Rod Van-Damme)
If you look at the rich history of Smack! Down tag team champions (The Bash 'Em Brothers, Roy
Mysterio & ThEdge, Rikishi Phatu & Reeco, Don Marie & Al Wilson, Roy Mysterio & Al Wilson),
never before has a tag team title match seemed so random.
Main Event Girls Match; Probably In A Bowl of Dishwater
or Paste or Peanut Butter Jackie Gay Vs. Don Marie Special ENFORCER referee: Charlie Horse
Put the kids to bed for this one, because it's sure to be… one of the best give and take chain-wrestling
matches of the modern era. BANK ON IT!!!
Main Event Tuff Enuff Challenge One Tuff Enuff Kid vs. The Other One
According to a recent survey, 82 percent of respondents don't care who will win this thing. So why
the hell should I?
Last-Minute Gift Ideas: So Christmas is just around the corner (as mentioned by my blasphemous references
a few paragraphs ago), and you haven't done any shopping yet... OH GEEZ, that reminds me, I've gotta run!!!
Oh, wait, I forgot that I'm Jewish. Oy vey… anyways, let's say you need to buy something for
that wrestling-lover on your list. What to buy? Well, here are a few suggestions, courtesy of The Notorious D.O.G.:
Do you have someone on your list who likes to play board games? If so, why? I mean, that's so
last year. Anyways, try this one on for size…
For the younger fans, perhaps this Mr. SHNITSKY Potato Head is just the thing to stuff their
stockings with. And if they don't like it… It's Not My Fault!!!
If your gift-recipient is looking to build a better body, forget Triple HHH's New Book That He
Uses To Hold Benwah and Jericho Down With and think about getting one of these fine items:
What - time - is - it? It's time, it's time, it's time to get this beautiful wall clock:
If you are more of a "traditionalist" and insist on getting a gift that's both practical AND tacky,
how about a soap-on-a-rope shaped like everyone's favorite WWE champion? (Warning: do not drop in the shower)
Finally, if you're lucky enough to have a special someone in your life and weren't DUMPED BY YOUR
FUCKING WIFE - DAMMIT!!! I WANT TO DIE!!!!!… uh… then perhaps you can show her how much you care for her. By wearing
the finest new men's cologne:
If none of those things don't interest you, I'm sure there's tons more useless junk over at my BulldogZone merchandise center. Order now for guaranteed Christmas delivery. I guess. Maybe not; I've never ordered from them before.
Anyways, that about does it for this week. If you have any comments, suggestions, questions or Ortonopoly
game pieces, be sure to drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside the Ropes.