BEAUTY AND THE VAMP
(Beauty and the Beast)
Once upon a time, there was a young girl called Integral Hellsing, who lived in a happy little cottage with her surogate daddy Walter.
Young Integral used to be a sweet young thing who wore sweet little dresses, loved roses and all that. However, one day after a particularly bad quarrel with her uncle, to which she has refused to comment on to date, Integral Hellsing started wearing suits and smoking cigars. She also developed a penchant for shooting everything and anything that irritated her.
One day, daddy Walter went to the habour to collect his usual stock of iron wires. You see, daddy Walter was a ghoul-buster of sorts. Daddy Walter was however, informed that the ship carrying his store of specially fabricated iron wires had sunk and that only the factory that manufactured the same had been destroyed in a landslide.
“[censored]. Now, I’ll have to kill those pesky zombies with a gun or something and that’s so messy. What will my fangurls say?” Daddy Walter was horrified. “I’m ruined.”
So poor daddy Walter left the habour, wailing away. So distraught was the poor man, he did not realize that he had wandered to a new part of the neighbourhood.
“Damn, these new buildings are getting uglier and uglier. It looks like some noveau riche Victorian cake.”
Just then, his tummy growled. Daddy Walter realized that in his distress at realizing his stock of iron wires had sunk to the bottom of the sea, he had missed lunch. He also realized that there was not a single house within sight of this grotesque Victorian mansion, from which the most delicious smells were coming.
“Ah, maybe I can get a bite.” Daddy Walter knocked hesitantly on the door. To his surprise, the doors opened before he touched them. “What the. Oh, automated sliding doors … how backdated I am.”
Stepping in cautiously, daddy Walter was surprised to see a table full of delicacies. Food galore. Normally, daddy Walter would have been more circumspect, but he was really hungry today, and the banquet was making his mouth water.
“Maybe just a little bite?”
A little bite led to a second little bite. Before he knew it, daddy Walter had finished all the food on the table. “Oops. Integral will be so mad with me, she’s always nagging about my cholesterol levels, but damn that was good.”
Daddy Walter left a 50-dollar bill on the table. “I hope they don’t get too mad,” he thought as he scribbled a note of apology. “I hope Integral doesn’t find out too.”
As he walked out of the place, however, he could not help but catch sight of a beautiful white rose bush near the gates.
A sign said “GO AWAY”, but daddy Walter was tempted. The white rose, so beautiful, could be just the thing to restore the gentle disposition of his little Integral.
Either that, or it would save him the explanation of why he had been missing for the last 3 hours.
He plucked the flower, turning, he bumped face to face with a tall man, no a tall Victorian dandy of a man with a red coat and a wide rimmed hat and … fangs.
“Ahhh … what a gross shade of red!” daddy Walter exclaimed.
“WHAT?! I had this specially tailored for this stupid skit and you say it’s UGLY???”
“But Alucard, it’s gross. And with pink trimmings? You’re a vampire not a bloody Vower Enuff girl!!!”
“SHUT UP THE BOTH OF YOU AND ON WITH THE STORY!” bellowed the author, restoring peace and order.
“Ahhh … what are you?” daddy Walter exclaimed.
“I’m the owner of this new convenience store,” exclaimed the Vamp. “You are trespassing and breaking in. We aren’t open until next Tuesday.”
The Vamp stared at the white rose in daddy Walter’s hand. “MY WHITE ROSE!!!” he bellowed.
“I’m sorry. I wanted to bring something back for my daughter … and I … I …”
“I’m not even going to start on you guzzling all my food samples. DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK FOR MRS POT THERE TO CUT THEM UP?” the Vamp yelled.
Daddy Walter looked sheepishly at Mrs Pot (Victoria dressed up in a ridiculous pot suit) before bursting out in insane laughter.
“Walter-san, be serious. Alucard, stop laughing and NO Victoria, don’t fidget with your costume.” The author nagged as she chided her errant cast. “Come on, let’s get this over and done with so we can all go home for tea.”
Daddy Walter looked sheepishly at Mrs Pot. “Uhm, I couldn’t help but notice that there was no garlic in the food.”
Mrs Pot looked sulkily at daddy Walter, “We’re vamps. Vamps don’t like garlic in general.”
“Oh I’m sorry.”
Mrs Pot ambled off after grumbling about the author having a strong Alucard x Integral bias.
The Vamp looked at daddy Walter, stuffing the $50 bill back into his pockets. “You have a daughter heh?”
“Yes,” sighed daddy Walter, “and she’s one hellauv of gal.”
“Sounds like you’re having problems.”
“She used to be a sweet young thing like her mother but look at her now. Oh sweet rose, how I’ve failed her sweet mother. Bless her dear soul.” Daddy Walter started sobbing.
“There there … don’t cry.
Hey wait a minute, I’m supposed to be a gruff Vamp. Uhm, HA!!!
I don’t care. As payment for
stealing my white rose. You must give
me your daughter.”
”What? NO!”
“I’ll throw in a 10 year supply of floss.”
“Floss?”
“Floss for vampires. Hardy stuff. Could replace your lost stocks of wires.”
“Uhm.”
“And a 10% discount on all products at my store.”
“DEAL!”
And so, kicking and screaming, Integral was dragged to the Vamp’s store.
“@^&*($)!_~~!!!” [Bang Bang] "Hey!!!"
“Sorry dear, but I really needed the floss. Be good. And Mr Vamp, I don't believe you managed to wrench the gun out of her hands ... got to go ...” said daddy Walter as he narrowly missed the vase aimed for his head.
“#@*&^t)($+)*!!!”
“That's Mrs Pot's favorite vase. Ah nevermind. You must stop swearing young lady.” growled the Vamp, who was at the same time, leering at her.
“Wow, he looks hot,” thought Integral, returning the leers. “What’s it to you?”
"That's it! Get into the room, we're having a talk." snarled the Vamp as he removed his coat and his hat. "Who's afraid of you!" screeched Integral as she loosened her boots. Angrily, both stomped into the room. Seconds later, muffled sounds of "I didn't know you could do that with bullets" were heard. In the meanwhile, Mrs Pot sulked miserably in the kitchen, complaining that she would have rather got the role of Beauty.
Hours later, a satisfied Vamp stepped out with a suitably unrepetent Integral. “Look here, I’m your boss now and what I says goes or we can TALK about it again!”
“Alucard you idiot, why are you grinning like that?”
“What? I’ve always wanted to say that. And you find me hot?”
“No I don’t you numbskull, but the script requires me to say stupid things.”
“So how do you explain just now when you ... heh heh, was that in the script too?”
“Seven green bottles hanging on the wall ...” Integral sang as she stuffed her fingers into her ears, "I CAN'T HEAR YOU ..."
“WILL YOU BOTH GET ON WITH THE SHOW? And the script is NOT STUPID!” screeched the exasperated author.
And so Integra was forced to wear a dress and an apron and to smile sweetly at customers as she worked at the Vamp’s store.
She didn’t really mind it that much but for the fact the Vamp had confiscated her trousers, her cigars, her guns and would suitably “deal” with her each time she swore. Both of them didn't seem to mind the daily morning, evening, mid-afternoon and 4:30 prep talks though.
Uhm, as to exactly what her punishment for bad language was, we wouldn’t say … it’s best left unknown.
“Hey, I’m only giving her what she asks for, “ shrugged the Vamp *.
And so, they all lived happily ever after … all except Mrs Pots that is, she dumped her costume and was last seen stalking angrily off the set.
Alucard: That’s it?
Kit: Yes that’s it.
Integral: What kind of story was that? It had no meaning, no story scope and really, what sort of ending was that?
Kit: No idea, but my time is up and so we must end.
Walter: Ano Kit-san, you really must brush up on your story telling skills.
Kit: Yeah yeah, whatever. Let’s go before these 2 start /again/.
Walter: Oh yes … let’s do go.
Integral and Alucard: What?
Kit: Don’t break too much stuff okay? We’re going. Enjoy your game of Cluedo.**
And so the Vamp and the Beauty spent a good and long nite on a happy, healthy game of Cluedo while the author happily drooled over her stash of fanarts from her crack-customer with her favorite bish.
~ The End ~
*See part I of White Rose - a Midnightsummer’s Nightmare
to see what happened the last time Integral swore
** Sorry private joke, Reins would know. As we said last nite “Rope … in the Cellar. More Cluedo hon?”