"THE BLOOMIN' LOONIES" by Jennifer Cleckley (RottinKid@aol.com), helped and/or hindered by Jerry D. Withers (Furrball T. Cat) (jwithers@tcfn.org) =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Well, just when you thought it was safe to read TTA fanfict, 'The Washington/Ohio Connection' strikes again! MWAHAHAHA!! Yes, friends, just when... what's that? Shut up and get on with the story? Okay... -- "Furrball! 8{)" *Sigh* (Unsuccessfully hiding a cricket bat behind her back) He does tend to go on so. Oh well, like the man said, we're back with another story about the Loonies. We thought you'd like to see how Nigel did at football practice. Among other things. ;) -- "Rottin Kid" =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= TTA: THE BLOOMIN' LOONIES 2 - "Football: It's A Looney Old Game (No Matter HOW You Play It)" v1.4a -0- Nigel's wandering feet had led him to the now-empty campus. The moon shone on his solitary figure, giving his white fur a silvery sheen and washing out the color of his new letter jacket, making it look only a very pale blue. The albino gazed up at the new dorm building and realized that he had been wanting someone to talk to. Lionel and Lizbeth tended to inject matters with unneeded levity; Lola had more than enough on her already; with Bethany there was a language barrier; and he hardly dared to talk with Rhubella because of Roddy's jealousy. Nigel looked up at the building again, then quickly retraced his steps. He returned clutching a long-stemmed rose. The rodent hoped that it would make up for his coming over unannounced. He ventured into the dorm, and discovered that there was a directory of the occupants hanging on the wall by the front entrance. Nigel breathed a sigh of relief. He did not wish to disturb the dorm monitor just for directions. He found her room, and ventured forth once again. He reached her door, and gazed at it thoughtfully. Nigel reached to knock, then immediately had second thoughts. After all, impulsive visits like this one seldom included phone calls to their recipients. He had no guarantee that she was alone, or even at home for that matter. A beautiful girl like RuBarb could easily get a date. Nigel pulled his hand away from the door, and dropped it to his side with a frustrated sigh. He reached into his pocket, and brought out a roll of masking tape. 'Next time call, you bloomin' idgit,' Nigel thought to himself as he taped the rose to her door. When it was securely fastened, the rat started trudging back the way he came. A process which took him all of two steps, before he noticed that there was a rectangular beam of light illuminating his path, accompanied by the sound of an opening door. "Nigel?" RuBarb asked, somewhat surprised. Then she saw the rose on her door, and was _really_ surprised. "Oh, for me? You shouldn't have..." "What can I say?" he smiled. "I'm a sentimental young fool, I guess..." "No, more like a fool, period," she smiled back, pointing to a sign on the wall next to her door which he had obviously missed seeing, and which bore two words: "WET PAINT!" "Oh, no," he half-grimaced, half-grinned. Sheepishly, he peeled off the tape and hoped he hadn't caused any major damage to the paint job. Luckily, he hadn't. "I thought you said there wasn't anything wrong with your eyes," RuBarb reminded him, batting her eyelashes playfully. Nigel shrugged. "I lied. Sue me." RuBarb sensed an air of melancholy about the rat that wasn't there that morning, and which seemed out of character for him (even though she'd only met him that day). "Something's wrong, isn't it?" she asked. "How could you tell?" She grinned slyly. "Feline intuition?" Nigel shrugged. "I'll accept that." "Well, don't just stand there like a lox, Nigel. Come in and tell me all about it." Nigel gulped. "Um, not that it's any of my business, RuBarb, but won't you get in trouble if you have a boy in your dorm?" "At 7:45 in the evening? Not likely," she smiled. That explanation seemed to satisfy Nige for the moment. -0- "Vegetarian pizza, extra cheese?" RuBarb asked Nigel cheerfully, as she picked up the phone to call the Acme Pizzeria. "Hm?... Oh, sure," Nige replied, still not quite sure where to begin. No sooner had she hung up the phone than a knock came on her door. Nigel opened it. There in the hallway stood Little Beeper, holding what looked to be the mother-in-law of all pizzas. "RuBarb? Your dinner for 12 is here!" he called to her, taking it off of Beeper's wings. "Already?!?" She fished in her purse for the pizza payment, but Nigel interrupted her. "Please, allow me," he smiled, rummaging in his pockets for some stray cash, and hoping he actually had some. "I know I've got 10 bob around here _somewhere_..." he muttered. "'Bob?'" RuBarb asked. "Nige, _please_, let me pay for this... at least until you get used to American currency..." she winked. "Fair enough," he shrugged. 'Just as well,' he thought. 'I didn't have a bleedin' sou on me!' RuBarb paid Beeper, he beeped and took off, and the unlikely couple sat down for an unscheduled (but delicious) meal. "Let me guess," she said, looking at him with those emerald green eyes that would make _any_ male toon lose track of his thoughts. "This has got something to do with the football team, hasn't it?" "On the money," he sighed ruefully. "I don't know what I got myself into, to be honest. I don't know anything about American football. To me, it's an overequipped version of Rugby! Now, _English_ football, _there's_ a SPORT!" "You mean soccer?" Ordinarily, Nigel would've inserted a bad pun here (something along the lines of, 'No, I didn't even shake her hand!'), but he wasn't in a punning mood at the moment. "Whatever," he half-smiled. "Why did I even let him talk me into this?" "Him _who_?" "Oh, you know, that small green duck with a mouth the size of Heathrow Airport, and an ego the size of Wales!" "Oh, Plucky," RuBarb smiled. They were interrupted at that point by another knock on the door. "RuBarb?" asked the lightly accented voice from the hallway. RuBarb gasped. "Ohmigosh! Penelope!!" Outside her door, Penelope could smell the unmistakable aroma of an Acme vegetarian pizza with extra cheese. There were no rules against pizza in the dorms; but, she _had_ heard Nigel; and, co-ed dorm or not, there _were_ rules about THAT. "RuBarb?" she asked again. "Are you entertaining a boy in there?" Before the kitten could stop him, Nigel called out, "No, as a matter of fact, I've never been so miserable in my entire life!" Penelope pondered this for a second, finally said "Oh," and went on her way. Halfway down the hall, she stopped, quickly turned her head back with this _look_ on her face, shrugged, and continued on her way, muttering something about crazy kids. Meanwhile, RuBarb addressed Nigel. "Are you _really_ that miserable?" He grinned half-heartedly. "Well, not as miserable as I _was_ before I got here, that's for sure." Then her eyes lit up. "I know! We need some _mood_ music!" she said as she dashed over to her stereo and slipped on an LP. Nigel wasn't sure what she considered 'mood music', but he found out quickly enough, as her stereo blared the comforting lyrics, "I got the money, I got the place/You got the figure, you got the face/Let's get together, the two of us over a glass of champagne..." Nigel's jaw dropped with an audible clang. "Where did you find THAT one?" he asked, delightedly. "I haven't heard _that_ song in _years!_" She handed him the autographed album cover to "Sailor Greatest Hits Vol. 1". "Oh, I've had this for a while," she smiled. "I can make a tape of it if you like..." "Would you really?" Nigel asked, his paws held before him in an entreating gesture. "I would be ever so grateful." "Yes, I really would," RuBarb laughed as she returned to the table and snagged herself another slice. "Thank you," Nigel grinned, briefly happy, then dropped back into his gloom. The cat munched on her pizza watching the rat nibble his slice, listening to the music, and looking as blue as his jersey. "Something else about being shanghaied into being team captain has still got you down, doesn't it?" she finally asked. "Am I that obvious?" "Yes, as a matter of fact, you are." "You're right again, RuBarb," Nigel sighed, then looked at the feline with a slight smile. "I keep having to say that to you. I get the feeling that I'm going to have to for a while yet. Oh, well. Anyway, it's just finding out one of the wonderful synonyms to 'team captain' that's getting to me." "And that is...?" "'Scapegoat'." "Knowing Plucky, I'm really not surprised," RuBarb uttered sourly, propping her head on a paw. "You thinking about backing out?" "No, actually. It may be a flaw, I guess, but I feel that I should see it through to the end. A responsibility to the team, you could say." The black kitten sighed, shaking her head. "You've been conned into being the captain of a team you're probably uncertain of, for a game you don't know how to play, and you feel like you've got a responsibility to see it through to the end?" she asked looking straight into his near-salmon colored eyes to see if he was actually serious. "Yes. Why?" "Just wondering," RuBarb sighed again. "I don't know if you're being noble, or just insane." "The latter is the more likely candidate," Nigel said self-deprecatingly. "After all, how many rats do you know..." The rest he mumbled, so that she could barely hear him. "Come again?" "How many rats you know are crazy enough..." He trailed off into mumbling again. "Crazy enough to what, Nigel?" the kitten asked, becoming slightly exasperated. "Crazy enough to have a crush on a cat," the albino finally managed at an audible level. -0- Milleway's (THE most expensive restaurant in Acme Acres) could be overwhelming to a first-time diner who had never had the "privilege" of eating there. Everything about the place, from the decor, to the fancy menus, to the attitude of the maitre'd, simply _screamed_ the word "snooty". Roderick Rat was already beginning to think that just this once, he'd bitten off more than he could chew... and he hadn't even _ordered_ anything yet! However, he tried to forget about the huge gaping crater this would eventually leave in his wallet, and instead concentrated on the reason he was here to begin with; namely, to try and patch things up with Rhubella. And after his earlier behavior at the Mega Mall, and what happened between them that afternoon at Acme Loo, he had a feeling that he was going to need the 'Acme Extra Large Super Jumbo Size' Patch Kit. If he was uncomfortable, however (and he _was_), Ruby didn't notice. Either that, or she was pretending. "You know, Roddy," she gushed, "you _really_ didn't have to do this..." "I _DIDN'T?!?" he asked. "Great! Let's go..." And at that, he got out of his seat and prepared to leave. Ruby slammed him back down into it. Forcibly. "Ooooch!" "Don't be hasty, loverboy," she cooed. "I meant that _figuratively_." "That's kind of what I 'figured'," Roddy punned weakly, while trying to figure out some way to check if he still had a gluteus maximus after that slam without anybody noticing. Unfortunately for him, apparently somebody did. "Hey, Roddy! What are YOU doing here? Slumming with the great washed?" A pained expression came to Roddy as he covered his face with his paws. "Oh, murder! It _can't_ be!!" But it could, and it was. Buster & Babs. He glared daggers at the blue bunny, as Ruby tried unsuccessfully to suppress a giggle; if the truth were known, she was enjoying watching Roddy squirm. "What are YOU two doing here?" he demanded. "A cameo," grinned Buster. "What else?" "Well, bye-ee," Babs smiled. See ya. Wouldn't wanna be ya... ever." "Be nice, Babsie." After they left, Roddy grumbled, "Boy, they'll let ANYONE eat here!" "Well, Roddy, they said Milleway's was expensive, not _exclusive_!" Ruby tried calming him down. "You'd think those two could at least be _original_," he added, still grumbling. "Didn't they already use that bit in 'Hoops Du Jour'?" A look of briefly stunned amazement came over Ruby. "I think you're right, Roddy." She pondered this revelation for a moment. "What do you think it means?" "It means one of the writers is stuck for ideas, _that's_ what it means!" "I'll bet I know which one, too," Ruby smirked. At that moment, a waiter brought a cell phone on a platter to their table. "Thanks," Ruby told him. "We'll eat it later." The look on the waiter's face told her that he didn't get it. "Oh, _LIGHTEN_UP!_" Ruby snapped at him. "Don't tell me this place is a 'humor-free zone', for Pete's sake! SHEESH!" She answered the phone. "Hello?... Uh-huh... What's that?... WHAT?!?" she screeched, her eyes turning bright red. "Well, same to you, fella!" she snapped, slamming the phone down on the platter, breaking it in half. The waiter, startled at this display of temperament on Rhubella's part, meekly picked the platter off of the table and ran back to wherever he'd come from as fast as his legs could carry him. Quickly. Even Roddy was a little unnerved by this; and _he_ was the one who'd informed Nigel of her fiery temper by comparing her mercy to a Rottweiler. "Er, babe, who was that?" "Oh, some jerk who says I should quit with this 'fourth wall' stuff and try to be _real!_ As IF!!" "You're really starting to take this humor stuff _seriously_, aren't you, babe?" Roddy allowed a little smile to cross his features. "THERE'S an oxymoron," Ruby noted caustically. Then, taking a couple of deep breaths to calm herself down, she smiled, primped her hair, and said, "So, was there anything you wanted to talk about?" "Er... um... not particularly," Roddy fudged. This was clearly going to be a _long_ evening... -0- "HURK!!!" This was RuBarb's reply to Nigel's previous declaration, accomplished with very little effort on her part by the comparatively simple act of choking on her pizza. The minute she said that, Nigel knew two things: 1) He shouldn't have said it, and 2) RuBarb was in trouble; her usually black face started turning blue. In class, this might be considered funny. Of course, they weren't, and it wasn't. Nigel tried as best he could to perform the Slapstick Maneuver (and hoping to heck he got it right the first time)... and just at that moment, who should wander in to the dorm, unannounced, but Penelope. "RuBarb?" she asked, not yet aware of what was happening. Then she spotted Nigel trying -- and not quite succeeding -- to perform the Slapstick, and (as all dorm mothers will) naturally assumed the worst. "NIGEL!!" she shouted, startling the poor rat, who clearly had no idea what he was doing. "What do you think you're doing?" "Didn't you just read the last paragraph? I haven't the foggiest! Oh, and by the way, can you give me a hand here?" he asked desperately. "Are you _kidding?_" Penelope asked. "If you think I'm going to give you a round of applause for _that_..." "No, I mean RuBarb seems to be choking on her pizza..." "Oh!" replied the cat, who quickly shoved Nige out of the way (and against the wall, knocking him unconscious), and successfully managed to dislodge the pizza (in manners way too disgusting to be recounted here), which then sailed across the room and through the open doorway, just as Plucky stuck his head in. "Say, guys," he said, "I hope you don't mind me barging in like this, but..." *SPLAT!* He paused, took a beat, and muttered, "Okay, I guess you _do_..." before leaving the way he'd came. RuBarb finally managed to catch her breath as the color returned to her face (or disappeared from it, depending on your opinion of whether or not black counts as a color). "Thank you, Penelope," she gasped. Then, quickly looking around the room, she added, "What happened to Nigel?" before finally spotting him, still against the wall. He was slumped upside down (in a most undignified pose), and it was all the felines could do to keep from laughing at him; but since, at the moment, he was still out of it, it's doubtful whether or not he'd have even heard them. As much as she wanted to remain, Penelope insisted that RuBarb get some rest, and since Rue was in no shape to argue, she went into her bedroom to do just that. Finally, Nigel snapped out of it. Shaking his head, he said to Penelope, "Remind me never to get on the bad side of you, mum." He looked around for the younger cat. "Is RuBarb okay?" "I think so," Penelope reassured him. "Nigel, just _what_ was going on in here, anyway?" "It's all my fault," he admitted dejectedly. "We were just having pizza, and I stupidly told her I had a crush on her, and I guess that's when her pizza went down the wrong pipe." He gazed down at the floor and added, "I guess I blew it again..." "Again?" "Yeah. You see, back when I was at Soho Prep, I had this crush on this really cute girl, but it was all terribly one sided..." Nigel sighed again, as his shoulders and ears went to half-mast. "Oh well. You probably don't wish to hear of my romantic failures." He went to the table, closed the pizza box, and handed it to Penelope. "Would you keep this for RuBarb? I don't know if these dorms 'ave kitchens, and wot not." Before the elder feline could answer, Nigel then cleaned up the table they had eaten from, and turned off the kitten's stereo, carefully packing the LP into its cover. Without another word, he picked up his jacket and left. -0- The next morning, Nigel left for the Loo bright and early. He arrived just as the library opened, and went to looking up the differences in American Football and Rugby. This was how he discovered something that gave him new hope about the upcoming game. He copied the rules, along with his discovery, then went to the outside of his home room to look them all over. "Hallo there, Nige," Lizbeth said, grinning down at her brother. "Missed you this mornin'. You're serious about that football stuff, ay wot?" "Well, it's a good thing that I am, sis," Nigel said smiling up at the bunny. "'Specially if I wish to do a good job for the team." Lizzy sat by him, and squeezed his shoulder encouragingly. Home room started, and everybody came in a rush. Nigel was somewhat toward the back, Lizbeth was sitting behind a rather dissembling gray bunny, and Lionel somehow managed to sit by Miranda. Elmer, inexplicably, was running a bit late to class this morning, and everybody took advantage. Lizzy chatted with the bunny in front of her, who was named Emily, Nigel looked over his notes about football, and Leo started flirting outrageously with Miranda, who was blushing and giggling like crazy. Then she started giving as good as she got, but before they could start to get really outlandish with their declarations Elmer walked into the room. From that moment, homeroom proceeded as usual. The bell rang, and the school day started in earnest. Nigel trotted through the hallway, looking out for any puddles, or other slippery spots. He did not want to run into RuBarb, literally or figuratively, until he worked up the courage to apologize to her about... well, everything. Thinking about last night only made the albino feel guilty all over again, and his shoulders slumped as he sighed dejectedly. 'Par for the bloody course, old boy,' he thought to himself, his ears joining his shoulders at half-mast. The white rat caught a glimpse of the black kitten from the corner of his eye just in time. He hurried on to class keeping as far away from her as he could, but still trying to seem like he had not seen her. He was, however, none too sure he'd succeeded. A paw tapped him on his shoulder, and a female voice asked, "Nigel?" "REALP!" he yipped, as he, his notes, and his books flew straight up and landed in the same spot three seconds later with a resounding *CRASH*! Rhubella bent down until they were almost eye to eye. "Nigel, are you all right? Say something!" "Ouch," he croaked. "Close enough," Ruby smiled, helping the poor fellow back up. "You're awfully skittish this morning, aren't you?" "Comes from years of practice, Ruby," he grinned, dusting himself off and picking up his books. He nervously looked around the hall. "I shouldn't even be seen talking to you, you know..." "Says WHO?!?" Ruby demanded defiantly. "Look, if you're still worried about Roddy, forget about it. We straightened that all out last night at Milleway's. I told him as far as I'm concerned, you're a classmate, and nothing else." "That's all?" "Well," Ruby added hesitantly, "there was more, but I don't think you're entitled to know _everything_." "Er, no, what I meant was, am I only a classmate?" "Oh, _that_," Ruby giggled, embarrassed. "No, of course not. You're also, I hope, a friend." "So, everything's square between us as far as Roddy's concerned?" "It is as far as I'm concerned." "No problem," Nigel smiled. "I shan't pry." "Thanks for understanding," Ruby said. She paused thoughtfully. "Roddy was right about you, after all." "Oh? About what?" "You really _are_ a gentleman... er, gentletoon." "Comes from years of practice, Ruby," he repeated with a wink. He looked at his watch, and gulped. "Ooops! Gotta get to class!" This morning, it was Chase Scenes 101 (Daffy Duck, Professor, filling in for Wile E. Coyote, who had had an accident with some ACME props). "See you later, ay wot?" He smiled, and dashed down the hall, under the impression that maybe this _wouldn't_ be such a bad day after all. Ruby, meanwhile, realized that she, too, had better hotfoot it to _her_ next class as well. In doing so, she almost slipped on a piece of paper on the floor. Fortunately, she caught herself in the nick of time. Reaching down to pick up the offending paper, she was about to throw it away, muttering something about having to do Pete's job for him and not liking it, when the writing on said paper caught her eye. "What?" she said, to no one there. "'Rules and Similarities between American and English Football'?" Quickly realizing this must be Nigel's, she stuffed it in her blouse pocket. "I can give it to him later," she said lazily, as she headed to "Peripherals 101"... -0- Inside the classroom, the albino took a seat a ways away from where Rue usually sat, and hoped that she would not be able to see him too well. He checked the slate, then started to look up the chapter on chase scenes. The very first type covered was 'Cat and Mouse'. Everybody had gotten into the room by then, as well as Daffy himself, so Nigel took a look about the room. There was one cat, RuBarb, but no mice that he could see. The albino rat chuckled to himself, and wondered how they were going to pull the example off for that one. He found out quickly enough. "Well, clath, you all know that there are projecth for thith chapter on chathe thenes, showing the exampleth thereof. For our firtht type, however, we are going to have to compromithe, thinthe there are no mithe in our period," Daffy explained as he perused the class register. "So for the 'cat and mouthe' thene, we'll have to uthe a rat. RuBarb Purrenthtein, and Nigel Carrotte have thith project." Nigel stared at Professor Duck aghast, then sank into his desk. Daffy, blissfully unaware of Nigel's discomfort, continued assigning the projects to pairs of students. As they took their places, RuBarb whispered in Nigel's ear, "I've been looking for you all morning! Where _were_ you?" Nige gulped uncomfortably. "Well, Rue, it's, um, er, ah... " Rue merely raised an eyebrow. "Oh, for crying out loud, Nige, if you don't want to _say_ you were in the bathroom all morning, then don't!" She smiled suggestively, and added, "If I didn't know better, I'd think you were trying to avoid me." "How'd you guess?" The question came out of his mouth a little _too_ quickly for either of their comfort. "Er, what I meant, was... oh, bloody 'eck, what's the use?" The shrill whistle blown by Daffy, which signalled the start of the exercise, distracted him long enough for RuBarb to swipe at him with her claws. Nigel fell to the floor in neatly sliced sections, one at a time, before reconstituting himself. "HEY!!" he shouted. "I thought this was a chase class, not 'slice and dice'!" "Ooops! Sorry, Nige," Rue apologized, resheathing her claws. "I forgot..." Daffy blew his whistle again. "Hey, what ith thith?" he sputtered impatiently. "You're thuppothed to be chathing him, not dithcuthing the weather! Now GO!!" "Yeth, thir," they replied, unconsciously mimicking him, then tearing around the room like they were running the four-minute mile, stopping only briefly to wield cartoon slapstick havoc on each other. -0- The rest of that day went fairly normal for Nige. (At least, as normal as a day at Acme Loo could get, which wasn't much.) He was on his way to football practice, in fact, when he ran smack dab into RuBarb again. *CRASH!* The two of them sat there, dazed, for a few seconds, before shaking it off. "Terribly sorry," Nigel said, as they both got up, a little wobbly from their encounter. "'Aven't we bumped into each other before?" "We'll have to watch that," Rue noted wryly. Nigel noticed that there was a slightly hurt look on her face. And it wasn't from their 'close encounter', or a result of the chase class, either. "Now, why were you trying to avoid me?" Nigel spoke softly. "Look, Rue, it's not what you're thinking. It's just that... well, I really bollixed it up big time last night. I said some things I probably shouldn't 'ave..." "Like you have a crush on a cat, what say?" "Um, yeah, what say," Nigel admitted. "And I didn't do too well the rest of the night, either..." He paused uncomfortably, unsure of the direction this conversation was heading, but he knew he had to get the words out. "Look, Rue, you've probably got a lot more exciting prospects... er, no, that's not right, is it? What I mean is..." "Nigel, can I tell you something?" RuBarb replied softly. The rat nodded slowly, as Rue got close to whisper in his ear. Then, at the last second, she yelled, full force, "GET OVER YOURSELF, WILL YOU?" He had to shake his head twice to get the ringing to stop. "AY-yi-YI-yi-YI!!!" he said. "Look," she added, a little quieter this time, "I think I know what you mean, but that's not how it is. You're the first boy who's shown any interest in me at all..." Now RuBarb found it hard to come up with the right words. "Well, I'm just not sure how I'm supposed to react around you. Never mind that we're supposed to be natural enemies..." Nigel took her paws in his, and looked again in those emerald green eyes of hers. "Look, luv," he smiled, "what's natural about _this_ place, eh?" He winked for emphasis. That did it. They both broke up laughing at that simple fact. Then, without warning, Rue threw her arms around Nigel and hugged him tightly, planting a big fat kiss on him. "MmmmmmmMMM!" He looked around nervously, just to make sure they weren't being watched. "You know somethin', Rue?" he said when he had finally caught his breath. "What's that?" "I think..." "You think _what_?" He wiggled his eyebrows playfully. "I think we're gonna flunk that chase scene course!" "I think you're right," she agreed. She fished around in her purse, and handed him a cassette. "Oh, here's that tape you wanted." "Thanks, Rue," Nigel smiled. He put it in his jacket... and that's when he began to panic. "Oh oh," he said slowly, quickly rummaging through his pockets as if he were trying to find something else. "My _notes_ are gone!" "Your _what?_" Rue asked, confused. Nigel looked at the wall clock. "I'll explain later, luv! I guess I'll just have to fake it today..." He started to dash to the football field, but stopped suddenly, and turned to look at RuBarb. "Are we still on for that dinner then?" "I... sure, of course," Rue replied quickly. "Oh, Nige, one more thing?" "Yes?" She looked at him point-blank, with a gleam in her eyes and a smile on her face. "They teach classes in the Slapstick Maneuver tomorrow. Take them!" -0- Lizbeth walked through the halls chatting with Emily Bunny, who she met in homeroom, and Robin Rabbit, who she was introduced to by Emily in first period. Lizzy was privately glad to have met some girls that would actually talk to her, compared to those stuck-up snobs back at Soho. As they walked and talked, relatives came, somehow, into the conversation. That was when Lizbeth found out that Emily was one of Babs's myriad younger siblings. "No lie?" Lizzy asked giggling impishly. "No lie," Emily stated. "Cor, I met _'er_ at the airport. Very first day in Acme Acres, or America for that matter." "Oh dear," giggled Robin. "I bet THAT was traumatic." Emily glared at the yellow bunny, who just laughed. "We-ell, not really. At least not until I got into 'er bloomin' car." "Oh, NO!" moaned the two girls in chorus. "Oh YES," returned Lizbeth. "I swear, she bloody well HAS to be one of the worst drivers that I've ever ridden with. Right up there with my Grandma Sadie!" "You're kidding, right?" Emily asked in disbelief. "Your grandmother drives worse than Babs does?" "I'd say it's a tie, meself. Let me tell you about it," Lizzy started, then launched into the tale of JUST how bad her grandmother can possibly drive, and on London streets no less! They soon had to stop for Robin and Emily's laughing, and Lizzy stood nearby looking about, while waiting for them to recover. She froze, stood rigid, and stared for the longest time, before she got Robin's attention, and pointed to a trench-coat clad figure. "WHO is _THAT_?" Lizbeth asked breathlessly. "Him? That's Adam Fox. He writes for the school paper, I think." "He's a _cute_ blighter, ain't he?" "Well, he is if you go for foxes." "Tis an option," Lizzy giggled, seeing their odd looks at her. "Leo likes Miranda Mink, and Nigel's got a crush on RuBarb. Guess us Carrottes have a liking for odd couples." -0- Nigel quickly suited up for practice with a song in his heart and regulation football shoes on his feet. He waited along with the other players on the bench as Coach Bugs Bunny addressed them. "Okay, now when I call out your names, lemme hear ya..." he said as he looked on his clipboard. "Nigel Carrotte?" "Yes?... I mean, here!" "Hamton J. Pig?" "Here!" "Eric Bunny?" "Here!" "Mortimer Bunny?" "Here!" "Dizzy?" "Me here!" "Calamity?" The coyote held up a sign, which read, "Yo!" "Fowlmouth?" "You bet yer dadgum..." "Er, I'll take dat as a 'yes' and move on," Bugs said, none too quickly. This got a laugh from the rest of the team. He scanned down the clipboard and continued the roll call, finally reaching the last name. "And Plucky Duck?" "Present and accounted for, chief!" he replied brightly. "_That_ remains to be seen," Nigel grumbled good-naturedly. "Umm... yeah," Bugs said nonchalantly. He then organized the players onto the field for some tackling practice. As luck would have it, Nigel wound up against Plucky. "Say, Ducky..." "That's 'Plucky'..." "Right... tell me again why you couldn't be the captain this time? Something about 'Sal Hepatica'?" "Who?... Oh, you mean my sciatica..." "Yeah, that," Nigel grinned. "How is it?" "Oh, it's terrible, Nigel. You have no idea..." "Oh?" he retorted. "Then tell me this... why are you out here takin' football practice in _your_ condition?" "_What_ condition?" Plucky replied absent-mindedly. "I feel great!" "That's what _you_ think," Nigel grinned wickedly, as the whistle blew to signal the start of practice. The look that came over Plucky's face at that precise moment was priceless. It was as if the biggest anvil in the universe was about to hit him head on, and he knew it. "moth..." *POW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!* "...er..." Plucky barely managed to finish that word after Nigel had literally steamrolled right over him. He got up, only to hear the whistle again, and have Nigel knock him face down into the playing field. "Oh, look," he said absently. "Dirt!" Then he collapsed completely. "Cut dat out, duck," Bugs ordered. He then turned to Nigel. "Eh, Carrotte, ya t'ink maybe ya can go a little _softer_ on him next time? Ducks bruise easily, ya know..." Bugs chuckled. Plucky gulped. "_Next_ time?" he asked wobbilly. Unbeknownst to anybody, this spectacle was being closely observed (from a safe distance) by Roderick and Danforth, who were watching from a hidden vantage point. "They don't look so tough," Danforth remarked. "We could probably take them in the first quarter and coast the rest of the game!" Roddy had to agree with his partner's assessment. "You know, you're right." He then trained his super-powered ACME videocam- binocs on the albino rat. "The one that worries me is Nigel. He plays like he means business!" "What makes you think that?" Danforth asked. "It's obvious, isn't it? He's had to play some Rugby at sometime or other in his life," he reasoned, as he continued to focus on Nige. "Those players _live_ for punishment! He could be tough." Meanwhile, Bugs ordered the players to take five, which was fine with Plucky especially. As the grounds crew tried to scrape him up off the field, the remaining players sat down on the bench. Nigel was feeling particularly well pleased with himself, when he felt a tap on his shoulder. "Yes?... Oh, Rhubella! What are _you_ doing here?" "You dropped something in the hallway this morning," she told him, reaching for his football notes. Back in their hiding place, Roddy was still rattling on about Nigel's performance on the field. "Did you see the moves he put on Plucky?" "Plucky, nothing," Danforth countered. "What about the moves he's putting on Rhubella?" "Wha--?" Roddy quickly peered through his video/binocs just in time to see Ruby handing a note to Nigel. "Why, that..." He threw down his binocs in disgust. "That tears it, Danforth!" He was starting to foam at the mouth again. "That rat is _history!_" Danforth knew better than to ask which one he meant... -0- Watching from the opposite sidelines, Lionel and Miranda were discussing the way the practice was going. "Don't you think Nigel is being a little too tough on Plucky?" Miranda asked sardonically. Lionel considered this question, and all of the possible moral and ethical ramifications therein, and then finally answered with a response that was the hallmark of British rationale. "No." "Neither do I," Miranda agreed, handing him a can. "Soda?" "Yes it is," he replied. "Oh, puh-_leeeze!_," Miranda moaned, in a perfect over-the-top delivery that assured her a long career in cartoons. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a figure approaching the unsuspecting Nigel and Ruby. "Say, Leo," she wondered aloud, "look over there. Isn't that... Roderick?" Lionel squinted a bit. "I believe you're right, Miranda!" "Think we should do something?" "No. Trust me, Nige can jolly well take care of 'imself," he reassured her. "An' besides, the whole bloody team's there. Unless he's as stupid as I think he is, Roddy won't _dare_ try anything!" Miranda brought a paw to her mouth. "I hope you're right," she said nervously. Unfortunately, Leo was wrong. Roddy's jealousy had finally gone beyond mere stupidity to uncontrollable insanity. "CARROTTE!!" he yelled as he approached the two rats. Ruby winced sharply, as though she knew this moment would finally come. "Oh, not _again_," she whined, eyes closed, not daring to look. Nigel just sat there on the bench, stoically. "I say, old chap, 'aven't we _been_ through this once before?" he smiled at Roderick. "And as I recall, you were sadly mistaken _then_, too." Ruby then attempted to defuse the situation before it could possibly get any worse. "Roderick, will you get _out_ of here, already? I don't know what you're thinking..." "Who says I was thinking _anything_?" he snapped at her, not realizing how that sounded. "Her point exactly," Nigel added cheerfully, giving Roddy his best cheese-eating grin. "_You_ keep out of this!" Roddy snapped. "This is between me and Rhubella..." "And the football team," Leo said, as he and Miranda finally arrived on the scene. Roddy paused for a moment to consider the suddenly changing backdrop, which was being filled - quite rapidly _and_ conveniently - by the Acme Loo Football Squad, all of whom looked like they were just itching to get their hands on one Roderick Rat, Esq. "Er... heh heh... well, when you put it like _that_..." he gulped. "Not that it matters any," Nigel said nonchalantly, "but I think that the _least_ you could do is allow one of us a chance to try and clear the air..." he added, grinning even wider now, "That is, before tackling practice resumes, eh wot?" The rest of the squad gave their most threatening growls for backup music. This convinced Roddy to cool his jets, at least temporarily. "Go on..." "Well," Hamton suddenly sobbed, as if he were going to confession, "I cheated on my diet today! I didn't _mean_ to have that extra sandwich..." Everybody - Roddy, Ruby, Bugs, the whole _team_, et al - looked slightly askew at the groveling pig. "NOT YOU!" they all yelled as one. "Oh... never mind..." "Way to boost credibility in the _machismo_ department, Hambone," Plucky glowered at him, as the embarrassed porker stepped into the background. "But I thought I saw Ruby passing you a... well..." Roddy was now a little embarrassed himself. Nigel fished around for the piece of paper he was sure was the cause of this latest unpleasantness. "Could _this_ be the 'a... well...' you had in mind, Roddo?" Nige asked, handing it to Roddy. "Yeah," the rat seethed angrily, "and _don't_ call me 'Roddo'!" He quickly grabbed the note from Nigel's grasp, and started to read what he thought was on the note before he'd even _seen_ the note! "My dearest Nigel," he began, and then actually saw what was on it. "'Rules and Similarities between American and English... Football?'" As the whole group rocked with laughter, Roddy suddenly gave an embarrassed chuckle himself, as he handed the note back to Nigel. "I... er... I've never been so embarrassed in my entire life..." he finally admitted. "Take a number and be seated," Ruby added sourly, before tearing into Roddy for the umpteenth time in their relationship. "There, are you satisfied now?" Roddy looked around for a convenient escape route. Unluckily for him, there was none to be found; so, he had to take his medicine like a... well, like a rat. Motioning to Nigel to come close, the white rat did so. "Er, Carrotte... public apology time again?" Roddy whispered hesitantly. "I should bloomin' well think _so_, mate," Nigel winked. "'Cos the alternatives don't _look_ so bleedin' hot..." "I see your point, Carrotte," Roddy admitted begrudgingly. Breaking out of the confab, he turned to Rhubella, who was still glaring at him. He quickly summoned Nigel back. "Do I _really_ want to go through with this?" he whispered, the panic starting to rise in his voice. "Do you really 'ave a _choice_?" "Not as such..." "Well, there's your answer," Nige grinned. Taking what could possibly have been for him his last deep breath on Earth, Roddy exhaled, and turned back to Rhubella. "Look, babe, I blew it, okay?" he began. "I made a mistake, and I'm... I'm..." The veins in his neck were clearly starting to show as he struggled to say 'it'. Finally, he bowed his head and muttered, "I'm sorry." Ruby sighed a sigh that was a combination of deep frustration, mingled with deep relief that things hadn't escalated out of control. "Roddy, I don't know what gets _into_ you sometimes," she said. "Stupidity mixed with a high level of moronishness?" Miranda chirped brightly. Ruby glared at her with blazing red eyes and growled fiercely. Miranda shrank back into her wheelchair nervously. "WATCH IT!" Ruby snapped at Miranda, who became even more tense, and grabbed onto the armrests. "No, Ruby, actually, she's right," Roddy said softly. "I _am_ stupid and a bit of a moron when it comes to you, and I apologize... to both you _and_ Nigel," he added, "if that'll make you feel any better..." That seemed to have the effect that was desired. As quickly as she'd come close to blowing the entire emotional fusebox, Ruby quickly calmed down. Unfortunately, the same could not be said of Miranda. Even more so for Lionel, who was unaware of her rather peculiar problem, but was about to find out. "Miranda, are you all right?" he asked, leaning in closely, putting a comforting paw on her shoulders. His timing could not have been more worse. Too late, Ruby realized what she had accidentally initiated. "Lionel, stand back!" she yelled frantically, but to no avail. Before he knew what was happening, Miranda was going through one of her rapid spin-changes, and he was caught smack in the middle of it! "WHOOOOAAAAHHHHH!" the unfortunate rabbit yelled, as if he were taking his first roller-coaster ride. Finally, after only a few seconds, she stopped. As usual, her chair was cast off to one side, and she was standing up. Shaking her head to clear the cobwebs that usually accompanied this sort of thing, she readjusted her glasses. "Leo, are you all... right?" she inquired, before finally getting a good look at him. "Oh, dear..." she said, giggling. "What's so funny?" Lionel asked. "How come you're standin' up? And why are you wearing my clothes...?" And that's when he looked down. "Oh-oh," he said sheepishly, as he realized _he_ was now wearing Miranda's dress. And, as baggy as _his_ outfit was on her, the opposite could be said for him! "Ooops!" Miranda continued to giggle. "Sorry, Leo..." Leo wasn't consoled. Especially when Nigel started singing an old Who song: "I'm a boy, I'm a boy, but my mum won't admit it...", and the rest of the squad joined in with, "I'm a boy, I'm a boy, but if I say I am, I get it!" "All right, cut it out!" Leo begged them. Instead, they launched into "I Enjoy Being A Girl"! His situation was only made worse when Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Sam strolled by at that moment. They took one look at Lionel, shook their heads sadly, and walked on. "It's not what it looks like, honest!" he yelled after them. "_Shore_ it ain't," Sam yelled back. "Do you suppose _all_ wabbits are that way?" Elmer asked, his voice trailing off into the distance. Leo fixed Nigel an icy glance as if to say, "My own _brother_..." Nigel merely shrugged helplessly. Ruby, meanwhile, approached the mink tentatively. "Sorry about that, shortcake... I forgot..." "Never mind _that_," Miranda said, as the urgency of her situation suddenly occurred to her. "What's going to happen when I spin _again_?" "_AGAIN?!?_" Leo chimed in. "Well, for one thing," Ruby finally reasoned after a couple of seconds of thought, "I hope you're wearing something _under_ all that!" "RU-by..." Miranda wailed, just before she spun again. Leo deftly made a quick grab for his clothing as it sailed off of the hapless mink. Ruby, meanwhile, quickly grabbed the nearest stadium blanket. Nigel, following her lead, did the same. As it turned out, Ruby's instincts proved correct when Leo took inventory of his now recovered wardrobe and discovered, shall we say, one or two items that just _didn't_ belong to him! Sheepishly, he handed them over to Ruby, who cocked one eyebrow in his direction, but said little else. As Miranda slowed down to a stop, Ruby deftly threw the blanket on top of her before she could be embarrassed any further, rapidly returning the mink's 'personals' to her as she did so. Likewise, Nigel tossed the other blanket on top of his equally hapless brother, who was only too happy to get back into his own outfit. Bugs, too, did his part for toon modesty, ordering the team to make an about face, with just enough inflection in his voice to make it clearly understood that that's what they were to do if they knew what was good for them, but not without adding, "You too, Plucky!" Plucky snapped his fingers and started grumbling, but he, too, turned his back on events as they happened (so to speak). Besides, he reasoned, Shirley would never understand. "Now," Lionel uttered, as he carefully struggled with Miranda's dress so he wouldn't ruin it, "would somebody care to explain wot the bloody... 'eck just happened?" "Uhm...," murmured a very embarrassed mink, "an uncontrolled spin-change. I tend to go into them whenever I get nervous or tense." "Ah," the rabbit uttered. "Guess waitin' to go into more detail about ourselves till our dinner date was a bit of a bad idea, ay wot?" He reached out from beneath his blanket, and handed Rhubella Miranda's dress to return to her. This was done, much to the poor girl's relief. "Guess so," Miranda grunted, struggling into her dress beneath the blanket. "It was YOUR idea, though." "Well, I'm only a lupine, Randi-luv," Leo said removing the blanket, relieved, and fully dressed again. "I'm allowed to 'ave bad ideas ev'ry now and again." The mink finished getting dressed _just_ as her legs gave out. She landed with a slight thud, oofing, then grumbling about therapy. She then sat up with an extremely perturbed look on her face, stayed that way for a few seconds, then turned to Leo and gave him this _look_. "'Randi-luv'???" she asked. "Just a nickname I was trying out. Didn't like it, ay wot?" Leo explained blithely. He then walked over to Miranda, and picked her up, much to her surprise. "Need a lift?" he asked with a cheery wink. "Guess I *did*," Miranda replied, looking wryly at the fact that she was already _lifted_. "I also need to be taken back to my chair." "DON'T start," Rhubella groaned, rolling her eyes upward, as if asking for divine assistance with those two. "Those two" just did their imitation of Nigel's cheese-eating grin. "Somethin' I need to be warned 'bout?" Nigel asked, raising an eyebrow at Ruby. "Just be glad you don't have 'Snappy Comebacks' with them," Ruby explained with a grimace. "They were paired off against each other." Nigel thought about it, remembering their outrageous flirting from that morning, and their present banter. He then started giggling like mad. Leo, with a massive dignity that only the English can come up with in the most impossible of situations, just started carrying Miranda to her wheelchair. He had not gotten very far when Miranda giggled. It was that cute, rapid-fire giggle of hers that could herald just about anything. Leo, himself, had been gifted with it for some of his more creative and inspired snappy comebacks. They were rather flirtatious, as well, they pouncing on the chance to continue their sessions from homeroom. "What's so funny, luv?" the bunny inquired of the mirthful mink. "Nothing much," chuckled Miranda. "You carrying me like this reminded me of a scene from..." Suddenly, her eyes grew wide as she realized something. "Leo! Drop me! NOW!" "DROP you?!" Lionel sputtered. "Miranda, don't be-EEEEEEEE!" It was at that moment that Miranda went into another spin change, and the hapless rabbit was brought along for the ride _again_! When they finally stopped, Leo still held Miranda in his arms, but both of their wardrobes had been radically changed. "Ab... ab... absurd," the rabbit managed to finally pant out. "_ABSURD_?!" "Yes, Miranda, absurd," Leo declared. "To ask me to drop you _just_ as you're going into a spin-change? I believe that qualifies. Look, you, I'd rather be drag-dressed as Minerva Mink than to put you into a situation where you'd be hurt." Miranda blinked in surprise, and stared at Leo for a long moment. "Uhm...," she murmured, blushing slightly, "why Minerva Mink?" "I was thinking of what would be the worst possible experience," Leo replied with a shrug. "I mean being pursued by that poor girl's drooling fanboys would definitely be the worst, don't you think?" "E-yeah," Miranda uttered with a grimace. "That definitely would." "It's almost ridiculous. There was this one bloke at Soho that practically worshipped Minerva. Ah well, let's assess the damage, ay wot?" "Actually, the two of you are done up rather spiffily," Nigel observed thoughtfully. "Dressed like something from that American historical drama film... something about a hurricane in the south..." "'Gone With The Wind'," Miranda giggled. "That was what being carried in Leo's arms reminded me of." "Well, it's not every day I get compared with Clark Gable," Lionel chuckled, grinning at his passenger. "I do wonder just how long _this_ one's going to last, though." As if on cue, they went into the spin cycle again, bouncing about the bleachers for about a minute, before they both landed in Miranda's chair. Lionel was sitting in it, with Miranda in his lap. "Well, this is cozy. Where are you 'eaded, miss?" Leo observed, imitating a London cabby. The mink giggled, and whispered in Leo's ear. "Righty-o." With that they wheeled to the exit. "Well, that was entertaining," Nigel observed. "I guess we'd better get back to practice, ay wot? Oh, and since there was no lastin' damage done, we won't be usin' poor Roddy for a tackling dummy. Ruby, 'ere, will be doin' enough damage to him, and she doesn't need any help from the likes of us." There were a few disappointed looks in the crowd, but most were somewhat sympathetic. They had heard about Rhubella's famous temper. "We MIGHT want to use that duck over there, if you just MUST have a Perfecto Preppie for tackling practice," the rat continued, squinting at Danforth, who had stayed to see the carnage. To a man, the football team turned to Danny's position. Though he was a bit away, they all grinned wickedly, and started to advance upon the hapless duck. The look on Danforth's face was a classic fear-take, and with a loud "EEEP!", he ran out of the stadium. Ruby chuckled watching this, and then clamped Roddy's arm in a vise-like grip. She hauled him out of the bleachers, waving to Nigel as she went. "Well, that's a wash," Nigel observed noting the now-empty spot that held Danforth. "Ah, well. Now that I've got my notes back, I can ask you an important question, Coach." "Eh, what's dat, Nigel?" Bugs asked casually. "Don't forget we've still got practice ta get t'rough." "Well, according to my notes, we don't actually play AMERICAN Football here at Acme Loo..." "So we play Toon Football," Bugs uttered with a shrug. "What's da big deal?" "We-ell, according to the rules to Toon Football, pretty much anything goes as long as it's legal," Nigel said perusing his notes. "So I was wondering if I could teach the lads some Rugby moves to give them a bit of an edge?" "Dat COULD woik, Doc," Bugs said with a grin... -0- FIN. For now, at least. ;) =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Story (C) August, 1998 by Jennifer Cleckley and Jerry D. Withers. Version 1.1 (Revised) (C) January 10, 1999 by same. Version 1.2 (Revised even further) (C) February 4, 2000 by same. Version 1.3 (Revised beyond all known limits) (C) March 14, 2000, also by same. Version 1.4 (Revised for the last time!) (C) April 18, 2000 by same. Version 1.4a (C) July 19, 2000 by same. All Rights Reserved. This is a work of fan fiction, and is not meant to be taken as canon. All Tiny Toon Adventures characters (C) 1998, 1999 Warner Bros. Animation/Amblin Entertainment. All Looney Tunes characters are (C) 1998, 1999 Warner Bros. Animation, Inc, and are, as usual, used without permission, but with a whole lotta love. (And just the right amount of irreverence.) The following characters are original, and are property of their respective creators: "The Bloomin' Loonies" (who are STILL Lizbeth, Lionel and Nigel Carrotte, by the way) (C) 1997, 1998 Jennifer Cleckley. "Miranda Mink" and "RuBarb" (C) 1997, 1998 Jerry D. Withers. "Emily Bunny" and "Eric Bunny" (C) KeV Beeley. "Adam Fox" (C) 1997 Eric42. The following song has been quoted with kind permission from the composer: "A Glass Of Champagne" (written by Georg Kajanus) by SAILOR, from the album TROUBLE, (C) 1975 Epic Records Ltd./Sony Music Entertainment, U.K. (C)Warner-Chappell Music, Ltd./Sashay Music. All rights reserved. The following song has been quoted without permission: "I'm A Boy" (Pete Townshend) by THE WHO (C) 1966 Reaction Records, Ltd. [First LP release: MEATY, BEATY, BIG & BOUNCY (C) 1971 Track Records, Ltd./Decca Records, Inc.] And, as usual, Furrball thanks the RottinKid for the tuna fish hoagies and chocolate milk, imaginary as they may have been, and delicious as always. :) Keep your eyes glued to this website for THE BLOOMIN' LOONIES 2 1/2: "Football: It's STILL A Looney Old Game...", coming soon to a computer monitor near you! TTFN! :: tag :: (Lizbeth, Lionel and Nigel peer out of the concentric neon circles.) Lizbeth: "What's Dot Warner got that I 'aven't?" Lionel and Nigel (in unison): "Tress MacNeille's voice?" (Liz gives them a dirty look) :: end tag :: =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=