"GONE WITH THE WHIM" v1.1 by Jerry D. Withers (aka Furrball T. Cat) (jwithers@tcfn.org) As far as bright, sunny days in Acme Acres went, this particular day was not one of them. A few dark clouds loomed on the horizon; however, the students of Acme Looniversity gave them no thought. They had other things on their collective minds. Getting through their junior year in one piece, for one thing. Making it through "Wild Takes 101," for another. They knew that if they failed this class, they might just as well look for work at DiC. Or even worse...Filmation! "Today, class, we're gonna review what many feel to be the most important part of toondom," Prof. Bugs Bunny began. He hadn't gone that far before being rudely interrupted. "Yeah, the _residuals!_" Montana Max quipped. The class couldn't help but snicker at that. Bugs approached him. "Ya know, Max, that was pretty good. If dis were 'Smart Remarks' class, I'd give ya an A+!" "Really?" "Really...BUT IT AIN'T!" Bugs snapped, "So pipe down!" Monty suddenly felt himself shrinking to an inch-and-a-half tall! "Yes, sir..." he replied in a voice three octaves higher than normal. With some semblance of order restored, Bugs continued, walking in front of an ominous-looking black machine that looked like it might have come from an old sci-fi film, except for the familiar 'WB' shield on the front. The class recognized it immediately. The ACME Take-O-Prompter. "I was referrin' to masterin' your Wild Takes," he said. Plucky groaned, remembering the trouble he'd gotten himself into the _last_ time he'd tried to do a take -- the infamous "Clampett Corneal Catastrophe," where he turned into a giant eyeball, and then got stuck! 'Here we go again,' he thought, expecting the worst. He had no idea yet how right he'd be, as a small gust of wind picked up a stray leaf and slammed it against a window with such force that the leaf thought, 'Oh, my head...' before slumping down to the ground again. Bugs continued to speak. "If you haven't got dese mastered, you might as well look for work at DiC... or woise yet, Filmation!" he laughed. Then, singling out one student to start the ball rolling, he said, "Monty, since you wanna be the center of attention today, why don't ya give us a demonstration of the 'Avery Ah-OOO-Gah!'?" Max jumped at the chance. After all, the 'Avery' was his specialty. Goodness knows, he'd had _more_ than enough practice at it; and whatever else could be said about the little weasel, everybody (grudgingly) acknowledged that Max had actually developed it into an art form. Taking his spot next to the 'Take-O-Prompter', he chortled, "Stand back, peasants; you ain't seen nothing yet!" Babs was furious. "Why, that little spotlight-grubbing..." Buster managed to restrain her. "Take it easy, Babsie," he grinned. With that, Bugs activated the machine. Without warning, a small square shadow appeared where Max was standing... and grew larger... and _larger_... and LARGER... and when Max looked up, he noticed that he was directly in the path of a falling Egyptian pyramid... and it was coming at him point first! Monty's eyes flew out of their sockets and expanded to twice his size, while a loud klaxxon horn sound emanated from his open mouth! Bugs pressed another button, and the pyramid disappeared as quickly as it had first appeared. "Whew! Thank goodness _that's_ over," Monty muttered under his breath. But for whatever reasons he had, Bugs wasn't through with him yet. 'Dat's what YOU think!' he thought, pressing another button. Suddenly an elephant appeared above Monty. Needless to say, they BOTH were surprised! "mother..." was all Monty could muster before the perplexed pachyderm landed on top of him and crashed through the floor! Max crawled out of the newly-created hole and weakly muttered, "...Did anybody get the license number of that TRUNK?" before collapsing. Bugs winked at the class. "Ain't I a stinker?" They couldn't have agreed more. "Say, Bugs," Mary Melody asked, "what happened to the elephant? Did he just disappear like the pyramid?" "Nah," he replied conspiratorially. "I sent him across the lot to 'Larroquette'!" "I _thought_ he looked familiar!" Mary laughed. Bugs resumed. "Speaking of stinkers... no offense meant... Fifi, why not show us what you've been woiking on?" The pretty skunkette smiled, approached the machine, and addressed the class. "Merci, Professor Bugs," she said. "Well, since Max already deed the 'Ah-OOO-Gah du Averee', I see no reason to repeat eet; so, instead, I give you... pause for, how you say, dramatique effect..." she smiled, "'Les Corneal Catastrophe du Clampett'!" And quicker than you could say 'Patrick Brion,' Fifi immediately transformed herself into a huge violet eyeball. Furrball took one look, yowled, and hid in the safety of his desk, opening the front so just his eyes showed, and giving out a quick "Mwrow?" in response. "Dat's pretty good, Fifi," Bugs said, adding almost as an afterthought, "not to mention totally sickmaking! Would ya mind...?" "Oh, pardonne," she laughed, and quickly changed back to her familiar self, bowing to the cheers of the class. The only one who wasn't cheering, of course, was Plucky. "Oh, sure," he groused. "She can get out of it just like _that_..." Buster leaned over. "She stayed calm, pal. That's why you had such trouble getting out of it, remember?" "Yeah, yeah; don't remind me..." Fifi took her seat, but couldn't resist needling Plucky just a little. "Vous see, monsieur Plucky? Eet ees easy when vous know _how_..." Babs leaned over to address her. "Er, Feef, you sure you wanna be doing this?" Fifi grinned. "Doing what, Babs?" "You know full well what," Plucky responded. "I could've done that just as quickly, you know..." "SURE vous could," Fifi yawned. "Darn right!" "And what makes vous think so?" "Oh, nothing... it's just that everybody knows that boys are MUCH better at takes than girls!" Fifi stopped smiling... and started glaring at Plucky. "C'est WHAT???" she shouted at the top of her lungs. The rest of the class muttered a low "Oh-oh!" Plucky had just pushed the wrong button. If there was one thing everybody knew, it's that you never made a sexist remark like that to Fifi LaFume! Unfortunately, such knowledge never entered Plucky's thickly feathered skull. "You heard me the first time!" Fifi was livid. "Monsieur, as President and founder of 'Women Against Male Chauvinist Pigs,' you have offended my honor, and the honor of girls everywhere!" "Oh yeah, LaFume? Well, you've offended the breathing passages of EVERYBODY, everywhere!" Fifi was now well past livid. "THAT EES EET!!" Bugs quickly tried to restore order (or, what passed for it at the Looniversity). "Er, look, kids, maybe we could have this discussion some other time; like, say, 50 years from now?" To his, and everyone else's, surprise, they both turned on him. "AH, SHADDUPP!!" they yelled. The class let out an extra-large, one-size- fits-all "GASP!" This was the worst breach of student etiquette anybody could ever remember seeing. Nobody, but NOBODY, _EVER_ told Bugs Bunny to "SHADDUPP!!"--Not if they expected to graduate, that is--with OR without honors! Surprisingly, Bugs took it all in stride. "So, it's gonna be a duel, is it, kids?" Fifi growled, "Oui!" "Oui, too!" answered Plucky. Bugs started to say something, but was distracted by a commotion in the hall. "Just a minute," he said, opening the door. Dennis Weaver was being chased down the hallway by an eighteen-wheeler. "Hey!" Bugs shouted. "Wrong 'Duel', you joiks!!" They stopped, Dennis said, "Sorry," and they crept out of view, never to be seen again except on video and TBS reruns. Bugs closed the door. "Where was I?... oh, yeah... All right, a duel you want, a duel you shall get!" Meanwhile, the few dark clouds outside had increased in number, and the small breeze had started to become a medium-sized blast, but nobody noticed... yet. They were all concentrating on the storm brewing INSIDE the classroom. Bugs took his place by the Prompter. "I'll probably regret dis," he muttered to himself. Out loud, he said, "Okay, here are the rules..." Before anybody could stop her, Babs did one of her spin-takes, and re-appeared in an Australian bush outfit. "Rule #1--NO POOFTAHS!" When this failed to get a response, she changed back, and sat down glumly in her seat. "Boy, that'll be the last time I steal a joke from Monty Python!" "No, it won't!" Buster shouted. Bugs began to wonder when it was he'd first lost control of this class. "As I was ABOUT to say," he said, glaring at a now thoroughly embarrassed Buster and Babs, "Fifi and Plucky will each get one turn. Whoever can get out of their take in the shortest time will be declared the winner. And the take in question is... pause for redundant effect... THE FRIZ FRIZZLE!" Fifi and Plucky groaned loudly. The one take in all toondom they hadn't practiced, and it WOULD be _THAT_ one! Plucky turned to Fifi. "Er, it's not too late to call this off, you know..." "Yes, eet ees..." "Ah, well... you wanna go first?" But he was now talking to a blank spot, as Fifi had already taken her place. "Vous may fire when ready, Monsieur Bugs," she said. Bugs did so, and where Fifi had once stood, there was now a small pile of smoldering purple ashes with a pair of violet eyes in them! She blinked twice, and suddenly reappeared to the applause of her classmates. "1.2 seconds! That's a new Loo record!" Bugs said. As Fifi was returning to her seat, she looked out the window. What she saw frightened her. The wind was picking up more force, hurling objects every which way and that. This, she knew, presented the potential for calamity. And she wasn't thinking 'coyote', either. She hurried back to Bugs. "Monsieur, I feel maybe we should drop the whole theeng," she said shakily. Bugs had never seen her so nervous before, but he sensed she was definitely afraid of _something_. And when she pointed to his right, suddenly he knew what it was. More important, he suddenly knew _why_. "Under da circumstances, kid, I think you're right," he said reassuringly. Unfortunately, Plucky was growing impatient. "Hey, what's going on here, anyway? Are we gonna get to ME, or what?" he snapped. Fifi approached him, mildly panicked. "Plucky maybe vous were right maybe boys are how vous say better at thees maybe we should both take cover..." "WHAT? Nothin' doing', sister! You're not gonna sweet talk your way outta THIS one, LaFume! Not while there's a school record to break!" "But, Plucky," she pleaded. "But NOTHING!" he snapped back, and flung her away. Unfortunately, he flung Fifi right against the 'on' button of the Prompter, and in an instant, Plucky was a smoldering pile of kelly green ashes, with eyes! Buster and Babs ran to Fifi's side, and were about to say something rude to Plucky. They never got the chance. The wind had shaped itself into a fist, and pounded against the classroom window. _CRASH!!!_ Before anybody could stop it--as if they knew how--glass was flying everywhere, desks were sailing, papers were flying around the room; but that wasn't the major problem. To everyone's shock, the wind swirled around the room, picked up Plucky (what there was of him) and carried his ashes out of the room and sent them far over Acme Acres! "PLUCKY!" Fifi screamed. "NO!!!" Then she fainted. As the students and Bugs watched with a mix of fascination and horror, the storm dissipated almost as quickly as it had attacked. Needless to say, the shock of seeing what had happened to Plucky had turned everybody white. Mary Melody, however, had turned light blue! "Hey, what is _this_?" she snapped. Elmyra presented her with a little gold statuette. "On behalf of the Academy," she said, "I wish to present you with this award for 'Best Special Effects (Visual) By A Peripheral Cartoon Character In A Work Of Fiction'!" As Mary stared at her, Elmyra muttered sadly, "It was my only line..." Putting her head in her hands, Mary groaned, "I've GOT to transfer OUT of this school!" Meanwhile, Fifi was just coming out of it. Babs helped her sit up. "How is she?" Buster asked cautiously. Babs glared at him. "How do you THINK she is?" She turned to Fifi. "How are ya, Feef?" Fifi was a nervous wreck. "Oh, Babs," she started to say, but found it hard to continue while crying. "Poor Plucky... eet ees all moi fault... le sob!!" Babs put her arm around her friend to console her. "There, there, Feef, it's not your fault," she said softly. Then, unable to resist, she chirped, "It was Plucky's!" Fifi was in no mood for humor, though. "Sorry..." "Oh, sure, blame the duck, why don't you?" At that, everyone gasped. "PLUCKY?!?" "Well, who were you expecting, The Avon Lady?" Everyone looked around the room, but nobody could see him. Fifi turned to Babs. "Please, Babs, thees ees not funny..." "Believe me, Feef, I may be a great mimic, but there's no way I can do THAT voice! Plucky, is that really you?" "Yes, it's really me, and I'm not happy right now!" Fifi smiled slightly. "Eet's really him..." "This is too weird, even for 'Tiny Toons'," Buster said. "Like, maybe not, or some junk!" It was Shirley the Loon who spoke. "I am definitely picking up some mondo-repulsive Plucky vibes!" Now Bugs was confused. "Err...how's dat again, Shirley?" "It's like, so simple and stuff," she answered. "Plucky has this, like, really powerful aura..." "Yeah," Buster quipped. "I've been after him to use a stronger deodorant..." Bugs and Shirley gave him an 'Oh, PLEASE!' look. "Sorry..." "Trust me on this, dudes," Shirl continued. "Any duck that can take as many anvils as Plucky can, is _not_ going to be that easy to get rid of... believe me, I've tried..." "Gee, thanks, Shirl," the disembodied duck said. "...I think..." "See what I mean?" she smiled. "Yeah, I see," Bugs said. Actually, he didn't; he just wanted to go home. He had to look over the script for 'Carrotblanca'. "So," Buster ventured, "you think if you concentrated hard enough, that maybe you could pull his aura in a little clearer, Shirley? This is like trying to watch the Fox network!" "Hmmm..." she answered. "I can _try_..." So saying, she closed her eyes, crossed her legs, and went into her mantra. "OhwhataloonIam, OhwhataloonIam, OhwhataloonIam..." Before their eyes, Plucky slowly began to come into view. Well, not completely; he was somewhere between transparent and opaque, but at least he could be seen. Shirley had to stop, as she was getting a headache. "Sorry, dudes, like, that's the best I can do." "How long do vous think he'll stay like thees?" Fifi asked. Shirley sighed. "Hard to say. He's obstinate, but he's not exactly invincible..." She fumbled for the right way to phrase it. "Well, let's put it THIS way..." and she whispered something into Buster's ear. "Yipes!" Buster said quietly. He knew now what had to be done. He also knew he--or Plucky--wouldn't have much time. He motioned for Fifi and Babs to join him out in the hall. "So, what's going on?" asked Babs. Buster reached into his sweater and pulled out his trusty copy of 'Toon Trauma', and quickly turned to a certain page. The look on his face told Babs that the jokes would have to wait for a while. "It's bad, isn't it?" "Bad, yeah... hopeless, not quite... Do you think you can find Calamity and Beeper?" "They're probably on the track," Babs answered, looking at her watch. "Playing the horses at their age?" Buster winked. (Okay, maybe ALL the jokes didn't have to wait...) "I said, 'ON the track,' not 'AT,' you idiot! They're on the relay team, remember?" Buster slapped his forehead before Babs did it for him. "Of course! Can you get them over to the science lab?" "No problem," she smiled, and took off. Before Buster had a chance to say anything else, Babs returned with Calamity Coyote and Little Beeper. "So what kept you?" Buster asked. Calamity held up a sign: 'Traffic!' "I mighta known..." Fifi spoke. "Pardonnez moi, Buster, but why do vous need me?" Buster cleared his throat. This was the hard part. "Well, according to 'Toon Trauma', the Friz Frizzle should never be performed in a heavily ventilated area..." Tears started to form in her eyes. "Please, Buster, do not remind me..." He felt sorry for her, but had to continue. "Fifi, please," he said softly. "This is important, and we really NEED you for this!" She wiped her eyes, and steeled herself. "Good girl," he said, handing her another book, pointing to a certain page. "Is this what I think it is?" Fifi looked at the book with a mixture of bewilderment and shock. "An ordure blanc for French postcards?!? REALLY, Buster...!" "WHAT?" Babs shrieked. "Lemme see that, mister!" But Buster was too quick for her. "Heh-heh, oh my, how did THAT get there?" He fidgeted around a bit before finally producing another book. "Where was I... oh, yeah," he said, picking up his cue. "Is THIS what I think it is?" Fifi pored over the page in question. For the first time since Plucky's 'disappearance', she was smiling as she read it. To Buster, this was a good sign. Fifi would be all right, and NOW was when she'd be needed most of all. "Oui! Zat ees a, how you say, 'Toon Replicator Device'!" "GREAT! Let's get down to the lab!" As the quintet made their way there, Babs was still giving Buster the third degree about those postcards, and Buster was still being evasive. By the time they'd reached the lab, Buster had (barely) recovered his wits long enough to explain what he had in mind. "Okay, before we start, there's something I have to tell you." He paused, took a deep breath, then continued. "We need to get this thing finished and ready to go in a hurry, because Shirley can only maintain Plucky's aura for just so long. Feef, we can build the replicator, but you're gonna have to talk us through it!" Fifi fixed her most determined gaze on Buster. "I am ready!" Babs raised a hand. "Excuse me, but how come Fifi has to talk you through this?" "Because, Babsie, the instructions are all in French, and none of the rest of us can read it!" Babs eyed them suspiciously. "_None_ of you guys can read French?" Calamity held up another sign:' No se habla Francais!' Beeper held up another one: 'Moi neither!' Buster just shrugged. Babs sighed, "Mother said there'd be scripts like this. Okay, blue ears, so Fifi's gonna translate; but what about after we get the thing built? And what's it _do_, anyway?" Buster was way ahead of her. "First, we send Beeper out to find the rest of Plucky..." Calamity bristled: 'Why HIM?' Buster continued. "Because we need somebody REALLY fast, and in this case, that's Beeper." He paused. "Look, we've got just a short amount of time to pull this off..." Babs interrupted him. "And if we can't?" Buster sighed. "Then... somebody else gets his Warner Bros. parking space." The severity of what he said hit them like the proverbial anvil. "Say no more, Buster," Babs replied. She was deadly serious this time. They all were. Buster smiled. "Let's DO IT!" In what seemed like no time at all, they were finished. Now, if only it worked. If only Plucky were still there. If only they still had time. Buster sighed. That was a heck of a lot of 'if only's to try and squeeze into a single paragraph. He had one more piece of unfinished business to attend to. He pulled a pager from his sweater and contacted the teacher's lounge. Immediately, the lab phone rang, and he answered it. "Eh, what's up, Buster?" "How'd ya know?" "Who else would be callin' me at this point in the story?" "True... Listen, is Plucky still around? We need him down in the science lab, pronto." "I'll tell Shirley, how's dat?" "Good enough. Thanks." "Eh, don't mention it." No sooner did Buster hang up the phone, than Plucky and Shirley came in. "Don't you ever knock?" he kidded them. "So, Pluckster, how's things?" "Watch it, rabbit," Plucky warned him. "Are you finished with whatever it is you're doin' here? I don't exactly relish playing 'The Glass-Bottomed Duck,' ya know!" "We know, we know," Buster and Babs said in unison. "Hey, Shirley," Babs added, "I wasn't aware you could maintain his aura this long!" "Like, I didn't have to. I merely told Plucky that if he didn't stay calm, I'd fricassee him!" "Gee, twice in one day. How lucky can a guy get?" Plucky responded. "So, what's going on here, anyway?" He was looking in particular at Beeper, who had been outfitted with a small saddle, on which was mounted... "A VACUUM CLEANER?" Plucky laughed. "What's with THAT?" Babs replied, "Well, as I understand it, this thing's been specifically adapted to collect all of your ashes; and when it's full, we simply empty them into this thing here..." and she pointed to a large machine with a column of plexiglass attached, "wherein they mix with your aura, and voila, you should be as good as new." She turned to Buster. "Is that about right?" He shrugged. "Sounds close enough to me." Plucky groaned. "Oh, great! The possibility of my continued existence is in the hands of the cast of 'Beakman's World'!" "Is that a chicken joke?" Babs squawked, a la JoAnne Worley. "No, more like a programming joke," Plucky answered. Buster sighed. Keeping Plucky calm was one thing. Getting him to shut up was another. "Ready, Beeper?" Babs asked. "Beep! Beep!" he replied, taking off. "I guess that's a yes," Buster acknowledged. "So, you guys built this doo-hickey all by yourselves?" Plucky asked. Buster replied, "Yep, but we couldn'ta done it without Fifi..." "FIFI?!?" Plucky yelled angrily. Buster suddenly realized he'd blown it big time. "SHE'S the reason I'm in this mess in the first place..." He continued in this vein for another minute before a scream from Fifi caught everyone's attention. "Buster! We're LOSING him!!" She was right. Plucky was starting to fade away again! Buster lost all control (or what passed for it). "Plucky, CALM DOWN! We need to have you at full strength for this to work! Don't fade out on us _now_, pal!!" He looked frantically at his wristwatch. "Where the heck is Beeper? He shoulda been _back_ by now!!!" Babs took over. "Buster?" she cooed. "Yeah?" "ROPE IT IN!!!!!" When order had been restored, she smiled. "I've ALWAYS wanted to say that line." She turned to Shirley, but the loon was already at work. "OhwhataloonIam, ohwhataloonIam..." Plucky faded back into view. Shirley collapsed. "I'm sorry, dudes, like, I can't keep doing this," she admitted as Fifi helped her to a chair. "It's, like, taking way too much out of me, and junk..." Buster was about to tell her not to apologize, when an alarm sounded on Calamity's wrist. He held up another sign: 'HE'S GOT HIM!' "YES!!" Buster shouted. No sooner had he finished with that, than Beeper returned. "Beep! Beep!" Plucky couldn't resist. "So, what kept you?" Beeper looked at him and gave him a loud Bronx cheer! Plucky wiped his eyes. "Serves me right for asking," he muttered. Babs led Plucky to the plexiglass chamber. "This way, Mr. First Nighter!" she gushed. Plucky didn't get it. He looked to Buster for help, but he didn't have a clue, either. Babs gritted her teeth. "It was a radio show, you jerks!" Buster and Plucky mouthed an "Ohhhh...", but Babs was still sore. "You'd think there'd be ONE lousy reference joke in this crummy story that these clothheads would GET!" she sulked. Meanwhile, Fifi was busy attaching a hose between the replicator and the 'out' nozzle on the vacuum cleaner. "All, how you say, set, Buster!" "Wait a minute," Plucky said. "Don't I get any last words or something?" Shirley glared at him. "Sorry, dude, but 'I DON'T WANNA DIE!!' screamed at the top of your lungs doesn't count!" By this time, the entire class had assembled in the lab. Buster looked at Plucky. "So who invited all these tacky people?" "Beats me," the Pluckster quipped. "I thought they were _your_ tacky friends!" He paused. "Buster, can I say something?" "No," he answered, and flipped the switch on the machine. He turned to Fifi, who was standing by the vacuum cleaner. "NOW!" he shouted. Fifi switched it on, and the whole class watched, fascinated, as the plexiglass glowed bright green, while the ashes swirled around and mixed with Plucky's aura. Fifi gasped excitedly. "Eet's working! Eet's _working_!!" Indeed it was. The ashes continued to swirl; and slowly, but surely, the form in the tube began to solidify into a most recognizable--albeit obnoxious--shape. Buster looked at his watch. "5... 4... 3... 2... 1... SWITCH OFF!" At that command, both he and Fifi did just that. "Plucky, you can come out now," he said. "Why, what did I miss?" Buster didn't know whether to laugh or scream. He chose laughing. "Get outta there, you idiot!" he replied, opening the replicator door. Plucky did, to the cheers of his classmates. Even Calamity and Beeper were exchanging high fives... er, rather, fours. But to Buster and Babs, the best sight in the room was that of Plucky and Fifi hugging each other, their battle of the sexes forgotten--for a while, anyway. Plucky turned to Buster. "Hey, thanks a lot for getting me out of this, pal..." "Aw, don't mention it..." "Okay, I won't..." Buster grabbed Plucky by the arm. "Hold it, duck! Let me finish. It's Fifi you should be thanking. All the instructions for building this thing were in French, and only she could translate them." "But it was Fifi who..." "But NOTHING, duck!" Buster finally snapped. "Face it, the only one who got you into this mess in the first place was YOU! Fifi's the one who got you out!" This was met with incredulous looks and a big 'WHAT?!?' sign from Calamity, Beeper and Shirley. "Ooops!" Buster added, red-faced. "Heh-heh, would you believe 'partially'?" They flipped the sign over to read, 'That's BETTER!' "Whew!" Buster concluded, as Bugs entered the lab. "So, everything's back to quasi-normal?" he asked, munching on his omnipresent carrot. "Just about," Babs said, prodding the duck. "Hey, Mr. Gratitude, isn't there something you should be telling Fifi?" Plucky knew when he was beat. Hesitantly, he approached her. "Er, Feef," he began, but found it hard to continue. She smiled. "Oui?" "Er, um... I just wanted to say... I... I..." She batted her eyelashes playfully. "Oui, Plucky?" He finally blurted it out. "I COULDA BEAT YOU IF THAT WIND HADN'T BEEN BLOWING!" "VOUS COULD NOT!!" "I COULD, TOO!!!" "VOUS WANT A REMATCH, MONSIEUR MALE-CHAUVINIST PIG-DUCK????" "VOUS BET I DO!!!!!" "_HOLD IT!!!!!!_" Bugs finally screamed. They both fell silent. Making sure he had their undivided attention, he continued. "In light of what happened today, why don't we just call it a draw, and I'll award duplicate prizes...?" "WHAT?" Monty shrieked. "You didn't say anything about PRIZES! My 'Avery' was much better than their stupid 'Frizzles' any day!" There was no stopping him. "I want that prize, and I want it _now_, you dumb bunny!!" "_OH-OH!!_" the class gasped again. Plucky and Fifi looked at each other. Suddenly, they knew what was coming. Plucky smiled. "Er, gee, Bugs," he said, a little too loudly, "I've been thinking it over, and I've decided maybe Max deserves it after all! What do you think, Feef?" He gave her a sly wink, but she was already ahead of him. "Plucky ees right, monsieur. Monty's take was much better than either one of ours." She was really laying the merde on thick, but Max didn't notice. "I say, if he wants the prize, vous should give it to him!" Bugs hesitated only slightly. "You're sure about this?" Fifi and Plucky nodded. "Oh, yes, we're sure!!" "That's better," Monty harumphed, rubbing his hands in greedy anticipation. "So, what do I win?" "Win? I should _SAY_ so!" Bugs smiled. Then he dropped the bomb. "I WAS gonna give these two a month's suspension for tellin' me to 'shaddupp', but since you feel you deserve it twice as much, that's JUST what you'll get!" "HUH???" Monty asked, not quite comprehending the implication of what Bugs had said. "Two... TWO MONTHS?" "Let dat be a lesson to ya, Max..." Bugs inched closer, until they were eyeball to eyeball. "Don't EVER call me a 'dumb bunny' again, okay?" "AAAAUUUGGH!" Monty screamed, and exploded on the spot! When the smoke cleared, there was a small pile of ashes, with a puzzled pair of eyes, where Max had been. "No doubt about it," Plucky smirked. "He DEFINITELY deserved the prize!" "Oui!" Fifi agreed. "He didn't even have to use ze Promptair!" Bugs addressed them. "Look, youse kids have been through enough today. How's 'bout I take ya to Weenie Burger? My treat?" He paused. "But only if ya both promise NEVER to tell me to 'shaddupp' again..." Fifi laughed. "Vous have, how you say, a deal!" "Same here," agreed Plucky. "Good," Bugs said. As they left, a small breeze wafted through an open window and carried Monty's ashes away. "Oh, not again!" he thought. Outside, Bugs, Plucky & Fifi, now joined by Shirley and the two Bunnies (no relation!), were treated to the bizarre sight of powdered Montana Max flying over Acme Acres, and Beeper trying to catch up to him! Plucky couldn't stop himself. "Ya know, gang, I probably shouldn't say this..." The others knew what he was going to say, but couldn't resist. "But..." "Well, it's just that I've always thought that if Monty wasn't careful..." "He wouldn't dare," Babs whispered to Buster. "Yes he would," Buster replied. "Go on..." "...That he'd wind up making a complete ASH of himself!!!" +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Story (C) 1991, 1996 by Jerry D. Withers. Version 1.1 (Revised) (C) February 4, 2000 by same. All Rights Reserved. All characters (C) 1991, 1996 Warner Bros./Amblin Entertainment. This story is in no means an attempt to make a claim on those copyrights. Again, thanks to Kevin for posting this turkey, the Tri-Cities Free-Net for giving me the webspace to do it, and (if I haven't thanked them before, let me do so now) the Mid-Columbia Library (Pasco, WA branch) for the computer facilities. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- This ART has not yet been DECO-rated. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Autoclaving turns this story brown. Let me know what you think, gang. My e-mail is STILL: jwithers@tcfn.org. My web-site is: http://J_Withers.tripod.com/furrball.htm And KATH SOUCIE IS A BABE!!! Thank you.