"A Pool And Its Party Are Soon Started..." by Jerry D. Withers ("Furrball T. Cat"/jwithers@tcfn.org) (NOTE: Not much to say about this one, except that after all the angst of the "Rhubella Cycle", I felt it was time for the Toonsters to just kick off their worries and dive into some good old-fashioned mindless lunacy. Just the way we love 'em. So... bring your swimsuit, and let the show begin...) ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ In Acme Acres, there was an old saying: 'If you didn't like the weather, wait a few minutes. It would _always_ get worse!' Even more so on the weekends. Rhubella Rat was ready to sign a major document and have a notary sojac swear to that fact. "Talk about global warming," she confided to Emily Bunny, who was feeling the heat almost as profusely as Ruby was. "No thanks," Emily replied. "It's too hot." "Yeah, and it's only October!" added Eric Bunny, who was fanning himself with one of his ears. Ruby glanced over in his direction. "Hey, waft a little bit of that breeze over _our_ way, will you, fella?" she asked, in as syrupy a tone as she could muster. He smiled uncomfortably. "Gee, I'd like to, but if I did that, then I'd start flying." Emily glared at her boyfriend. "Come off it, you know that sort of thing only happens in cartoons!" Ruby and Eric exchanged puzzled looks. "And what do you think _this_ is, kid, a nature documentary?" Ruby finally asked. "Oh, right, I forgot..." Emily giggled, embarrassed. Ruby mumbled something or other about having to start hanging around with toons her own age again... and on it went, as the trio approached Weenie Burgers. Emily made a face. "Gee, Rhubella, don't you think it's a little hot for fast food right now?" Ruby had a glint in her eyes. "Let me explain the facts of life to you, Emmy..." "Good; I never DID figure out why that show was so popular..." Eric dragged his hand over his face, while Ruby wondered if the '3 strikes -- you're out!' law could apply to toons as well. Emily _had_ to be doing this on purpose... "Emily... let me try putting it another way..." Ruby inched closer until she was right next to Emily's ears. "IS THE SUN BAKING YOUR BRAINS???" she yelled. The pupils in Emily's eyes spun around in concentric circles, making a rattling noise as they did so. When they finally stopped, she glared angrily at Ruby. "Don't ever _DO_ that!" she yelled. Ruby pretended not to notice. "Yeah, sure, right, whatever." She placed her hands on Emily's shoulders. "I'm going to give this one more try, and then I'm gonna buy back my introduction to you... do the words, 'Inside Air Conditioning' mean _anything_ to you at all?" Emily opened her mouth, but Ruby quickly cut her off. "And if you even THINK about saying it's a home repair manual from Time-Life Books, I'll..." The honking of a car horn thankfully spared Ruby any further headaches, not to mention possibly sparing Emily's life! It was Ruby's mom. "There you are, dear; I've been looking all over for you," Rhonda said. "Hi, Mom. What's up?" She noticed Rhonda was unusually excited. Roberta, Ruby's 5-year-old sister, was strapped in the back seat. "Can't tell you, it's a surprise..." Rhonda grinned. "A surprise, huh?" Ruby raised an eyebrow. Roberta spoke. "Yeah they dug a big hole in the backyard and I think they're gonna fill it full of water and then they're gonna see if the producers of 'Dull House' can hold their breath while wearin' cement Reeboks which reminds me can we go home 'cos I gotta go to the BAF-room!" Ruby shook her head, laughing to herself. "Dear, I thought you took care of that before we left," Rhonda said. "Yeah I know but I wanna get back and undo what I did before you get home... oops!" "Kid, are you sure you want to leave it at that?" Ruby asked her. Roberta sat there with her arms folded across her chest, and a scowl on her muzzle. "I refuse to say another word without my mouthpiece present!" Eric turned to Emily. "Sounds to me like she's been doing a pretty good job up 'til now!" "Be nice..." Emily replied, borrowing one of her sister Babs's best known catchphrases. Ruby opened the rear door, and paused. "Well, you guys wanna come over and beat the heat, or what?" The Bunnies didn't need to be asked twice. "Why not?" Emily answered. "I've always wanted to see if Biller and Moyett could hold their breath while wearing cement Reeboks!" "Makes _my_ day," Eric added. -0- Rhonda had been planning this for months; and finally, there it was. As Roberta blabbed, it was a pretty fair sized hole in the ground... okay, it was one of your more deluxe, top of the line swimming pools, but somehow, Roberta described it much better (even if not quite accurately; but then, they had to account for her age (5), and her overactive imagination.) Ruby and the Bunnies looked at it in awe. "Well, don't just stand there," Rhonda smiled. "It's not for decoration, you know..." Emily was way ahead of her, and did a quick spin-change. Unfortunately, when she stopped, she'd obviously forgotten _one_ important detail. "Hey! That rabbit's _nekkid_!!" Roberta squealed. "EEEEP!" Emily blushed, trying to cover up as best she could, to gales of laughter from Ruby. Eric was no help, either; although he did cover his eyes, he couldn't resist peeking. This flustered Emily even more. At that moment, to make matters worse, Hamton drove by at the wheel of a tour bus. "And to your right is a naked bunny!" he announced, laughing maniacally as he drove away. Rhonda considered this briefly. "Something about him _scares_ me, Rhubella..." "Could it be that he doesn't have a driver's license yet?" Ruby said, just before they heard the sounds of a tour bus crashing into a tree. Meanwhile, poor Emily was losing control. "HELP!!!" she shouted. As if on cue, to a pompous fanfare (which sounded suspiciously like the TTA theme), Buster and Babs appeared carrying a huge black screen which read, 'CENSORED!'; and without saying a word, but smiling ever-so-foolishly, paraded in front of Emily. When they passed out of frame, Babs's sister was wearing one of the latest designer swimsuits! "What was all THAT about?" Eric asked, startled. "About 15 seconds, by my watch..." Ruby answered lazily. "Okay, Mom, this pool wasn't here this morning..." Rhonda smiled. "If you mean, how'd I get it installed so fast? Simple; it's the start of the off-season." Emily countered, "But, Mrs. R., it's October!" "So, you can think of a better off-season?" "December?" "She's got you there, Mom," Ruby smirked, and then paused for a brief moment. "Say, you know, I'll bet the gang would love to come over for a pool party," she hinted a little too loudly. As if on cue, suddenly the entire senior class (it seemed) arrived, as well as Fifi, Shirley, Plucky, Mortimer, Robin, Mary Melody, Arnold, Gogo, etc. Rhonda raised an eyebrow in Ruby's direction. "So what else are they teaching you at Acme, dear?" Rhubella could only cringe in embarrassment. 'Those classes in 'literal comedy' could have waited for some other time to start paying off,' she told herself... -0- As soon as a smidgeon of order was restored (and Eric snagged an extra pair of trunks!), Ruby tried laying down some of the ground rules; but when you're young, overheated, and enjoying yourself (so to speak), the only ground rule that applies is (audience, everybody...) THERE ARE NO RULES! She finally had to ask herself where in the heck her mom was. From inside came the answer. "_CANNONBALL_!" Rhonda yelled at the top of her lungs, and made a mad dash from the kitchen towards the pool. Ruby could only stand there--she didn't know whether to be amazed or appalled!--as her mom, wearing another one of the latest designer swimsuits, flew through the air, sending the rest of the partygoers ducking for cover. At the last possible second, however, she literally stopped in mid-air, and did a slow pirouette as she landed on the edge of the pool, curtsying as she did so! Ruby's friends and classmates, after the sensation of being had by a seasoned professional had worn off, could only applaud. "MO-ther!" was all Ruby could say. Rhonda smiled. "When _you_ get your own pool, you can do what _you_ like!" Ruby wondered for the first time just how much suppressed toonacy had been lying dormant in her mom, anyway. Oh, well, she thought, hers was not to reason why... -0- The problem, of course, with living in the suburbs and throwing a harmless--albeit _noisy_--pool party for a bunch of fun-starved teenage toons is that, sooner or later, some grumpy neighbor is bound to make waves. (No pun intended.) And in this case, when that neighbor is one of your teachers, the headaches multiply. Especially if it's Daffy Duck. "What in the Yosemite Sam Hill is going on over there?" he sputtered. "Don't those pagans know I've had a hard day at work?" As far as Daffy was concerned, he'd stopped delivery on the milk of toony kindness _long_ ago. Daphne Duck didn't know what her hubby was on about, but she had a feeling she'd soon learn, whether she wanted to or not! "But, Daffy..." she drawled. That was as far as she got. "I tell you, it's _criminal_, and something oughta be done about it _right_now_!... You go talk to them." "Yes, Wonga!" she replied sarcastically, as Daffy practically pushed her out of the house. 'Why did I ever marry that duck?' she thought. Reluctantly, she rang the Rats' doorbell. Rhonda answered it. "Yes... oh, hi, Daphne!" "Hi yourself, Ronnie. Sounds like you're having some sort of a riot over here! Nothing _too_ formal, ah hope..." she added, noticing her neighbor's unusual apparel. "Wha... oh, this!" Rhonda laughed. "You'll have to excuse me; but we just had our new pool installed, and my daughter decided to throw a party..." "Oh, that's nice, Ronnie... isn't it a little late in the year to get a pool installed?" "It's the off-season... say, you wanna have a look at it? Maybe I could get some pointers from you on poolside etiquette..." "Why, sure thing..." Daphne said as they made their way to the pool. Meanwhile, back at the house next door, it seemed like an eternity to Daffy since he had last seen Daphne. "Hmmmm... now where did she get to?" he asked himself, conveniently forgetting the fact that he had sent her next door... until he heard "WA-HOO!" yelled in a familiar Southern drawl, followed by the sound of a BIG splash! Daffy suddenly remembered where she had gone. "Hmph... traitor!" he grumbled. He went over to the window and opened it to yell his beak off, but was immediately clobbered with a beach ball. "THAT does it!" he finally snapped. Ruby appeared at the window. "Hi, mister, can we have our ball back?" she giggled. Daffy leaned out the window for emphasis. "_NO_!" It slammed shut on him, also for emphasis. "URK!!" Ruby rushed up to him. "Gee, Daffy, doesn't that hurt?" "If you only _knew_..." he muttered. "No thanks; Margot gave me a free sample last month, remember?" she winced. "Well, I've gotta get back to the party. If you can slide outta there, you're welcome to drop in..." And she dashed back home, leaving Daffy hanging there, as it were. "I _HATE_ kids!" he muttered as he slithered back inside. -0- Meanwhile, back at the ranch... er, _pool_, the toons were having more fun than they should be allowed to have (so to speak). "So much for poolside etiquette," Rhonda sighed. Daphne gave her a sly glance. "You'll have to punch me up on the web for that, Ron..." "No, thanks. Ruby's the computer-literate one in our family." "Oh, that reminds me," Rhubella added, "the window slammed shut on Daffy..." "Again?" Daphne chuckled. "Was he leaning out of it and yelling his darn fool beak off at the time?" Ruby nodded. "Serves him right, the big jerk, for sending me over to do his dirty work... Oh, I'm sorry, ah forgot why ah came over here in the first place..." Ruby quickly put 2 and 2 together. "Were we having too much fun?" "Daffy thinks so..." "Oh yeah, you _did_ mention something about a riot, didn't you?" Rhonda interjected. "I'm sorry..." "Don't sweat it," Daphne reassured her. "He just needs to cool off..." "Well, why didn't you SAY so?" Ruby replied, and turned to the gang. "Troops, we're going on a recon mission!" Getting into the spirit of the dialogue, Mary asked, "What's our objective, SIR?" Ruby smiled wickedly. "One wet blanket..." -0- At that very moment, Daffy was on a little mission of his own. He'd just finished placing a phone call to those purveyors of all things a toon could ever need for any purpose whatsoever... The ACME [tm] Corporation! An evil smile spread across his beak as he thought about what lay in store for the party next door. A knock on the door interrupted his gloating, but he didn't care. Opening it, he saw Ruby and the gang. "Lemme guess, you still want your ball back?" he asked, and tossed it back to her. "Thanks, Daffy, but we're here to apologize." "The whole bunch of ya?" They nodded as if on cue. "Wait a minute," he said, suspicion in his voice. "This isn't 'The Stepford Toons', is it?" "No, nothing like that," Robin said. "We just realized that we couldn't really have a party without our favorite professor, is all..." "Really?... I mean, well, of course, you youngsters COULD use some pointers on how to _really_ tear the joint up," Daffy answered, his ego kicking into overdrive. "Well, don't just stand there, Prof, lead the way," Ruby laughed. Daffy was only too happy to do so... but he should have paid attention to the fact that Ruby and Robin were lagging behind the others. "Ruby, did you see...?" Robin whispered. "I saw it," she answered with a grin. "And don't worry about it..." -0- Back at the pool, Daphne greeted Daffy with a curt, "Hello, Wonga!" "If you say so, dear," he replied, then turned to the toons. "Now pay attention, because you're only gonna see this ONCE! Girls, hang on to your boyfriends..." So saying, he went into a triple-somersault with a double-helix and a four-lane half-gaynor, and dove in. The resultant splash covered half of the gang, but they didn't care. Rhubella wasn't one of them, however, as she suddenly remembered (she claimed) something important she had to check on her computer. Having then done that, she made a swift phone call, and then rejoined the rest of the revellers. "Gee, Ruby," Emily began, "you missed all the fun..." "That's what _you_ think, kid," she whispered conspiratorially, leaving Emily to wonder what she meant... but not for much longer, as she then told Emily what was about to happen. Emily's eyes grew wide when she heard it; then, Ruby told her to simply pass it on to the others, which she did. By the time it reached the last toonster, they all understood. Daffy was too busy showing off to notice, and so into it, that he'd completely forgotten by now that call to the Acme Corp.... until he heard the sound of helicopters overhead! From their safe view inside the house, the toons all watched with imminent glee as Ruby contacted the Acme Choppers via cell-phone. "Okay, boys, let 'er go!" From his _unsafe_ view in the middle of the pool, Daffy was frozen to the spot as the hatches opened in the choppers, and he was immediately covered in... "What the... FLOUR?" he sputtered, puzzled to no end. "But I ordered CEMENT..." He suddenly realized he had witnesses, and could do nothing else but laugh in embarrassment. "Yes, we know, Daf," Ruby said, then turned to Rhonda. "Mom, I'm sorry, I know what you told me about hacking the net and all that, and I promise I'll never do it again, but when I saw Daffy's order by his phone, I _had_ to run interference..." "So THAT'S where you disappeared to," Rhonda smiled. "Don't worry about it, dear." She glared at Daffy. "And as for _you_, Mister Blister..." Daphne ran a little interference of her own at this point. "No, wait, Ronnie, let ME handle this..." Rhonda raised an eyebrow skeptically. "Well... if you know what you're doing..." "Trust me," she cooed; then she snapped at Daffy, who was becoming increasingly pasty by now, "Okay, mister--MARCH!!!" He knew she meant business. "Yes, dear," he said quietly, as he made his way out of the pool and back home... but not before he turned to Rhubella. "You're... _you're_..." "Desthpicable, yeah, I know; and that's one of my good points! See you on Monday, Prof?" "_Count_ on it, girlie!" "AH SAID _MARCH_!!!!!" Daphne yelled, like a drill sergeant gone mad. "And pick up those feet! Were you born in a swamp, mister?" "As a matter of fact..." "SHADDUPP!!!!!" "(Gulp!) Yes, dear..." Rhonda studied the pool. "Oh, dear, this is going to be..." "No problem, Mom," Ruby reassured her, and turned to the gang. "Okay, you know your line; on the count of three... one... two... THREE!" As one, they all yelled at the top of their lungs: "PARRRRRRRR-TYYYYY!!" From out of nowhere, and on cue, to boot, Dizzy Devil appeared, diving into the pool and cleaning up any residue the choppers had left. "Mmmmmm," he smiled, smacking his chops like a true connoisseur. "Gold Medal!" "Now, it's a _party_!" Mary stated. Ruby rushed to correct her. "Not just yet..." She let out a really loud whistle, and Buster and Babs reappeared as if by magic. "NOW, it's a PARTY!" And it pretty much went that way 'til the late hours of the night. -0- "There's one thing I don't understand, Ruby," Rhonda said as Ruby helped her with the after-pool-party clean-up, which was surprisingly minimal. "How did you _know_ what Daffy was up to... unless you're turning psychic on me?" "No, Mom, don't start calling me 'Shirley'!" Rhubella laughed. "It's simple. Remember when we went over to get Daffy?" "Yeah..." "Well, when he answered the door, I noticed that next to his phone, he had an order blank from the Acme Corp., and it mentioned Item #26,'The Cement Snowfall'. Now, if you know Daffy..." "And I do..." Rhonda sighed. "...Then you know he isn't _about_ to do anything unless it benefits him, and him only, right? Well, when I saw that, I thought it spelled trouble..." "And that's what prompted you to hack Acme's shopping list?" "Yeah... they keep really detailed records, Mom, but their security isn't worth a hill of beans! I think they got it from Acme!" Ruby laughed. "So, I found out what Daffy had ordered," and then she switched to a perfect impersonation of 'the little black duck' himself, "and called up Acme and told them I wanted to change my order! And the best part of it is, he gets hoist on his own petard, and _still_ has to foot the bill for it all!" Rhonda sighed deeply. "Rhu-BEL-la Ma-RIE..." "I said I was sorry, Mom..." "I know... but not _half_ as sorry as that explanation!" "Well, what did you expect? I had to close that plot hole _somehow_!" "Ruby?" "Yes, Mom?" "If you're so smart, how do we get out of this story?" Rhubella thought for a second, then brightened. "Like _this_..." and she pulled down a window shade that read, simply, T h e E N D A WARNER BROS. CARTOON MADE IN BURBANK, U.S.A. From behind the shade, there came an uncomfortable pause. Finally, Rhonda cleared her throat. "That's your solution?" "Oh, for pete's sake, Mom, when you got a crummy story with no plot like _this_ one, you _have_ to end it with a cheap gag and hope that it saves your tail!" "That's what you're learning at Acme?" There was another uncomfortable pause. "Well... yeah..." Rhonda sighed. "Okay, Mom, how would _you_ end it?" "Watch and learn, young lady... like _THIS_..." So saying, Rhonda gave the shade a real good yank, and the scene immediately shifted to the Ducks' living room, where Daphne was happily applying the last strip of damp newspaper to her still-pasty husband! "Now, don't move," she drawled sweetly. "Ah wanna get my camera..." The scene quickly pan-wiped back to the Rats. "You see, young woman? You _don't_ know everything yet!" Rhubella Rat sighed good-naturedly. "I guess I don't, at that... good night, Mom." "Good night, dear." ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ THE END. Story (C) August 21, 1996 by Jerry D. Withers. All TINY TOON ADVENTURES characters (C) 1990 Warner Bros./Amblin Entertainment. All LOONEY TUNES characters (C) 1990 Warner Bros. Used without permission, but with respect and just the slightest bit of irreverence. The following characters are original, followed by their creators: Rhonda and Roberta Rat (C) 1996 by ME! Robin Rabbit (C) 1996 by Colin Feder. Emily Bunny (C) 1996 by KeV Beeley. Eric Bunny (C) 1996 by KeV Beeley and Dennis Falk. The author thanks the above-named writers for letting him play with their toons again ;) Special thanks to the Acme Corporation, and to General Mills, the makers of Gold Medal Flour. Special thanks and a tip of the iceberg to Kevin for his suggestions. And again, thanks to HKUriah for posting this, the Tri-Cities Free-Net for giving me the webspace to do it in, the Mid-Columbia Library (Pasco, WA branch) for supplying the computers, and you for reading it. This has been a work of fanfic masquerading as a complete and total waste of time. THE LESSON FOR TODAY, KIDS: ----------------------------- NEVER ORDER ANYTHING FROM THE ACME CORPORATION! [tag]:(Byron Basset): "woof." (C) 1997 Jerry D. Withers (jwithers@tcfn.org)